Need some advice - seriously depressed :(

[DarkMouse]

Hi all,

I found this place today after a few web searches, and it seems a very nice community so I thought I'd ask here for advice. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible, but knowing me I'll probably drag on...ha.

I'm 18, nearly 19, and I've pretty much known I was gay since I was 12, but I'm only really dealing with it now. My only sexual experience has been with a guy, which I thoroughly enjoyed (hehe) but we sort of went out separate ways and we don't even talk any more. Anyway, I've pretty much come to terms with my sexuality, and I'm not really depressed about that...not directly at least.

What I've really learned about myself is that my attraction to guys is SO much more emotional than it is physical. While I certainly do have my preferences (asian guys ), I'd date the ugliest guy in the world if he had a lovely personality, and likewise turn down the hottest guy if his personality was awful. Sex isn't really that much of a big deal to me at all either, I mean it's important in a relationship and stuff, but when it comes to finding a partner his sex appeal/penis length/all of that really doesn't matter.

This is where things get really depressing for me: it seems to me that loads of gay guys aren't into long term relationships, and instead are intent on casual encounters/friends with benefits style scenarios, which really doesn't appeal to me at all. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places or getting the wrong impression, but it seems that most gay guys just want sex, or a quick hookup. I know this isn't the case with everyone, but it really makes me feel that the odds are stacked high against me...

The other problem I have is with myself. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly, and I'd put myself somewhat above average in terms of appearance. I'm 6', 155lb, medium-long hair which is styled, and I've got a fair amount of body hair, but it's not excessive or anything. But whatever, it's my personality that makes me feel down. Personality wise I'm pretty shy and feminine. I'm into stuff like cooking, music, art, meditation, an so on . (Sorry if this sounds like some covert dating profile , but I'm just trying to give a full picture here, honest!) The gay guys I know in person are nothing like me, and I've generally found it hard to fit in to anything but a small social niché. They're into partying and drinking, while I'm more reserved and shy .

I've had strong crushes on two guys in my life, one who didn't want me as a partner, and another who just wasn't gay. My record isn't really brilliant is it...

Well, I suppose what I really want to know is if I can ever find that one guy who'll love me. Are there guys out there who are like me, and who just want one partner and one relationship, at least for however long it lasts?

I'm really sorry that this is such a long post, but I really needed to get it out there and hopefully get some advice.

Thanks

 

[southguy72000]

Hi DarkMouse- I am just like you! I feel the same way a lot of the time... I know I am gay- and have told everybody, but still get frustrated with the gay men that I meet. Many are caddy, are just concerned with looks, dicks, and whether you are wearing Dolce and Gabbana. Not all gay men are like that of course. I want a serious relationship too- and it just seems like it alludes me. But don't get depressed. You are who you are and you WILL find someone! He could be in the different social circle that you usually don't hang around, or in a different country!

I feel the same way about sex as well... I am much more interested in a man if I can sit down with him and talk about Chopin and piano, show him my paintings, and then take a walk downtown at night. The sex is not the priority for me. The sad thing that I encounter is most I have met jump right to the sex and ignore the rest.

But there are others out there like you! (Me!) and I am sure that there are even more. We will find our guy, I promise.

 

[Mike68]

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places

This may be part of the problem.

Bear in mind also that many guys in your age bracket are just looking for the short-term/hook-up thing.

But fear not, for you are still young and keep looking for that one you want. Im sure you will find him as there are guys that want exactly the same thing as you

 

[bisuperboi2007]

Hi there DarkMouse. There are some gay guys out there that do want serious relationships. I think you should just try short-term relationships as that is what most guys at 18 want at the moment, but just looking for a serious relationship as there may be someone else out there that may also want a serious relationship and is near the same age as you. Also don't feel depressed coz I actually felt depressed for about 3-4 years coz I couldn't find anyone who wanted to date me, but then I found someone who I love and I want it to last forever and he is 19 years old. Although I can't speak for him, but I get the feeling he feels the same, so keep your head up and I'm sure you will find someone

I hope this has helped you.

Also, I notice you are from Kent, which is where I am from, so I woz wondering what town do you live in.

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

Your story sounds like my life(minus the depression and all)

 

[Seasoned]

Hey Dark,

Try not to worry. You sound smart and sure of yourself in matters of importance. Plenty of guys so things as you do and have similar values. They are quietly behind the scenes while the more flamboyant and sexually charged guys are out in front.

The real key for you is to work on your shyness so as to be able to find situations to meet people aside from clubing and hook up sites. As you grow more comfortable and have a wider circle of friends you'll find special guys who will find you special as well.

Best wishes to you.

 

[altlover85]

I would try going to galleries, film festivals, and any other kind of event you like where there will be others with your interests. Perhaps try taking a class or something like that? Maybe a concert?

 

[seven_sins]

I'll bet there are more guys out there who have the same hopes and desires that you than those who are just looking for a quick trip. It is just that they are not as visible. Keep looking. You will find your prince charming. You sound like the ideal guy to me.

 

[DarkMouse]

Thanks everyone,

Reading your replies makes me feel a little better - at least I know that there's some hope. Nice to see that there are some other guys out there with similar values to me.

Anyway, like a lot have you have said, I think I may just be looking in the wrong places, or not looking hard enough to find the right sort of guy.

What do you guys think of online dating sites for this sort of thing? I think I said before that my preference is for Asian guys, and it'd sorta help with that seeing as there's hardly any where I'm from. I've heard mixed things, both from reading threads on here and from other places, so I dunno what you guys would think about them for this particular situation.

Probably seems like I'm dragging this on, but I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to reply and help, I certainly feel better than I did last night.

And @ bisuperboi2007, I'm from Gravesend

 

[rareboy]

Spend your time meeting guys in real time.

Make as many friends and acquaintances as you can; you don't have to fuck them all, you know.

You need one thing. Confidence.

You'll find your guy. But in the meantime why not just enjoy your youth and just some casual hook-ups. It is possible to have fun and not need to be emotionally involved.

When you meet the one, you'll know it.

Risk something.

 

[KaraBulut]

Going into dating at age 18 with the idea that you're going to find a long term relationship is like starting swimming lessons believing you're going to be competing in the Olympics next year.

Dating is supposed to be fun and you have to go into it with the knowledge that most of your dates aren't going to result in a long-term relationship.

Dating is part of the process of learning how to be in a relationship, how to be with another person emotionally and sexually and how to work through issues that come up when your are emotionally involved with another person. And most gay guys get a late start- where most straight guys start dating in their mid-teens, many gay guys don't get started until their early 20s.

You would be much happier if you went into dating with the attitude that you are meeting someone and getting to know them. They may end up a friend. They may end up being a fuckbuddy. They may end up being a short term boyfriend. Even if things don't work out, you take the lessons that you learn from the experience and you get out there and try again.

Eventually, you will meet someone who you are attracted to, whose values are similar to yours and who is ready for a relationship. But for most gay guys, that "ready for a relationship" doesn't happen until their mid to late 20s. In the meantime, just have fun, learn and enjoy.

 

[bisuperboi2007]

Thats cool DarkMouse. I live in Sittingbourne. So you don't actually live that far from me then. It's actually very cool that there is someone else on here that lives in Kent. I never thought there would be someone else from Kent on here

 

[csm123]

Hi,another UK rseident here but lincolnshire this time.I feel sure you will find mr right,there are plenty of people looking for a steady relationship without all the gay scene and partying.

As far as internet dating goes(for me anyway)the only site i found worth joining was gaydar,believe me,once i paid to become a member allowing me access to there search tools there were people on there 1,2,3,miles etc from home.Each profile has their age,interests and who and what there looking for also if they want a hook up or freindship or relationship etc.

Your still young yet dont give up,put it down to expirience and move on.From personal expirience i know how depression can eat away at you so dont suffer in silence,make an appointment to see your doctor and tell him you feel depressed its no differant than going with earache or sore throat,medication is available.

Good luck and get yourself out and meet new friends(good therapy for depresion).

 

[altlover85]

Online dating can work, but it's just like anything else. There will probably be a lot of strike outs and guys that say they want to meet, but don't.

I would follow Kara's advice.