need some advice

[confused104]

I'm fucked up. I just don't think anyone knows it. I feel like pouring out my feelings and this is going to be the first time that I do this kind of thing, so its going to be long. Thanks for reading if you do. If you don't want to, really don't it's no big deal.

So I guess I'll start with who (I think) I am. I'm 18, graduating from high school soon and will be attending one of the top schools in the country. I'm in with the "popular crowd" at school and have some supposedly great friends. My family is perfect.

That obnoxious little stepford wives description of my life is what people see when they see me. In fact, it's what ive been trying to project for so many years. Although they have never explicitly said it, my parents are obsessed with appearances, and I can tell that they are just delighted to have such a "good kid". I, in turn, have grown up under this mindset, and have adopted it wholeheartedly, albeit unwillingly.

As you can tell by now, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, not only about my sexual orientation (hence, this site) and stuff but also about whether my life is actually useful to me or someone else. Don't take me wrong, im not suicidal or any of that kind of thing, but it is depressing to think that I might have wasted my childhood in a fake land of looks (literal and metaphorical) rather than true meaning.

I've also come to the conclusion that my obsession with appearances has led me to deny the full reality of my sexuality for so long. I'm not saying hide, because to hide it would be to act "straight," and almost anyone who meets me can tell that something is a little "off," whether it be from a hand motion or my slightly higher voice or whatever. Many people have suspected that I'm gay, I have just denied it up to this point in some hope of preserving some aspect of myself that I now realize doesn't really exist.

How pathetic is this: at 18, I have never done anything with a guy or a girl. Maybe I think it is more pathetic because I know myself. I am a realist, and know that I am genetically lucky: tall enough, thin, muscular, blonde hair, green eyes. I have been called attractive many times, and I tend to believe it not because of some huge ego that I have, but because it emphasizes the fact that my problem is my mindset and (hopefully) that alone.

While my family is "liberal," they are actually one of those economically liberal, "help the poor and the workers" families rather than one of those "we like gays" liberal families. In fact, I have never heard my father say word "gay." My mom always makes fun of the gay guys on reality tv, while I cringe and then laugh with her, to keep up appearances, of course.

My friends aren't really better. They are all liberal and understanding on the surface, but in reality I know that they are just dumb, shallow popular girls. All girls too. I wish someone would just out me for me. Its not like its not obvious guys.

But that's just it. I've made it not obvious. I tell everyone about my "crushes" on girls, and just asked the most annoying girl to prom because everybody thought that we would be a cute couple. I realize now that I have fucked myself over for when I come out, because I have turned something obvious into something concealed through the power of sheer denial.

I feel that I have come to this time of self-assessment now mainly because I realize that I have been presented with a great opportunity to escape my situation - namely, a very gay-friendly, very great college that i have been accepted to and decided to attend. Importantly, it is 400 miles away from my home, something I made sure of.

The thing is, I want to be myself at college, but I feel that I have so obscured the self that I did have through this act that I have put up throughout high school and before. I really just don't know what to do in terms of rediscovering myself in a new, yet still incredibly stressful environment. And I don't know what to do with the people I leave behind here when I go to college. I almost just want to start anew and separate from everything but I know that I have to deal with the baggage that I have created for myself, somehow.

I don't even know if I actually asked for advice in this, or if I'm being narcissistic or if I'm babbling because its 2:36 am...but if you read this, I truly appreciate you.

 

[MindBlast]

I read it, and an attitude change is in order.

You have to basically tell people that what you've been projecting isn't you, in a roundabout way. You're tired of pretending, I can tell. There's only one thing holding you back: FEAR. Kill it deftly. After you do that (easier said than done), you can just be yourself.

Living in a situation like that is hard for me to relate to. I mean, my parents are proud of me (I'm a geophysicist), and I always did well in school, but I rock the boat. I was a constant thorn in their side growing up; I never accepted rules for what they were. I'd argue the logic of the rules for hours on end, and wouldn't put up with any arbitrary descisions. I would argue with teachers over logic all the time, and one time spit in a teacher's face over ideological differences, and got into physical fights with other guys who would call me a fag. Because of that, coming out (in high school) was not as hard for me, especially since my rugby team backed me up (most of them).

I guess what I'm saying is you'll feel a lot better if you just stand up and give the pretenders a big middle finger. I bet you've never had a serious, deep discussion with any of your so-called friends. In my experience, girls aren't best friend material for a gay guy. There are just some guy things that girls don't get. Why don't you have any good male friends? I would suggest making some ASAP.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Confused104,

First of all...Welcome to JUB!!! Its great to have you on board, and its even better to see you post with such emotion and truth. This is a great forum and I'm sure when you spend a little time here you will realize that you not alone.

And mate, thats truly the thing. Yes this is new to you... and your situation is unique. But its a scenario thats been played out so many times for most of us that you should feel just a little comfort from the words you'll receive from the guys here.

The one thing that worries me most about your post is your lack of self forgiveness. Because you have no reason to beat yourself up the way you do... either about you being a virgin, or having only girls as friends or having something slightly off about you as you say... none at all! You are you. Unique. Individual. Special.

They way you write, the way you explain and communicate, the way you see things... they are the signs of a guy whos intellectual, articulate and growing. Your questions are normal and natural, your concerns real and valid and your decisions are hard and awkward.

But Confused104, all of that points to a guy whos starting to piece his puzzle together, to understand not only himself but his situation. You are reaching a point where you are trying to decide how best to handle your future and to seek that inner happiness and solace that comes when you realise that its time for you take control.

So, its time to listen to you. To what you want... and more importantly need to feel good about who you are.

And if college is the excuse to start over then use it. Dont worry about those at home yet, dont worry about the old friends... go to college with your head high, your confidence high and your self belief high. Go there as you, in everyway.

You dont need to broadcast your sexuality.... theres far more important parts to you than that. But if your asked tell the truth. Find out who values you for who you are from the get go not later when you feel you might lose someone if you tell them then. Be you. Be who you WANT to be. Be who you know you are.

And then, when you understand the freedom and release that comes from finally loving who you are and realizing that acceptance of yourself leads to your acceptance by others, you'll have the tools to deal with family and other friends.

But the most important thing is you do whats right for you. What brings you peice of mind, what allows you to be complete and happy. Its important that you dont let this hold you back and important that you learn that its not the most important thing about you or that it changes you.

If whatever decision you make is based on those things, it will be the right one.

 

[luminum]

Hi Confused. Welcome to the board.

Let me say that if you're going to let abstract facades stop you, then you will NEVER find it "easy" to come out because coming out is never easy. Even if someone else knows or someone else outs you, you will always encounter people in your life who will assume you are straight or who prefer that you're straight and you will have to dispel those assumptions of theirs.

Is it awkward and difficult sometimes? Hell yes. But until society stops being heterosexist, it's going to to be the lay of the land. You are going to have to come clean at some point to someone today, or tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that.

You will find that there is no running from those in your life. Going to college doesn't mean you disappear. It just means that you're away for the majority of the time. Your family will still be your family at home or 400 miles away. You may try to be yourself at college and then fake it at home, but you'll find that after being free 3 months at a time, going back into the cage even for a week or a day will get harder and harder. And having to fake it, when you know you're really someone else, someone who is proud of his sexuality, who has different friends, who has different beliefs than the ones you're "playing" is a Hell all unto itself. In my experience, it's like drowning in an ocean. It sucks.

So my advice is to look at these facades you made up and make the decision to tear them down yourself. You feel you created smoke screens and bound yourself with chains of deceit (at least in part, let's not forget heteronormativity), but only you reserve the power to bust free from them. Who cares if you told someone that you have a "crush" on a girl? It was a lie. It's inherently worthless and the amount of power it holds is entirely up to you. What matters to everyone, yourself included, is the truth.

If you feel that you need to be honest to be happy, then tell whoever it is you want to tell. Don't let your own facades stop you and don't let who other people "thought" you were control who you actually are.

Facing the fact that you may have deceived people in the past means little in the long road to the truth. My cousin and I used to trade "girl" talk all the time, and when I came out to him, he said "So all this time you were just blowing smoke up my ass?" When he saw that I felt bad, he told me he was joking and that he didn't care and that he supported me. If I asked him now, he probably doesn't even remember that I used to deceive him because it's understandable and it was done out of self-preservation, not out of malice or spite toward him.

I know I've gone on a long time, but my basic feeling is this:

- You want to be out, but you're afraid to go against the image that people hold of you and that you've spent your life maintaining. But if you recognize that this "image" was just a facade and does not truly exist, then why are you letting it impede you?

- You also wonder if you can just be yourself at college. Yes, you can. But you cannot hide it or separate it from your past. Trying to do so will suck harder than anything else. Instead, it's best to keep them both on the same page. Who you are in college, if it is truly "you," will be who you are when you go home, when you go to see family, when family comes to see you. In a sense, it's even who you are now--but it's up to you to decide whether you will hide it or not.

- You want to break free from who you "were" in other ways besides being "straight." As friends I know have told me, it's just something that comes with being natural. People often change in college and rarely do they realize it until after they've changed. Few people I know consciously changed. If you know what you're looking for--people who are deeper, people who are truly liberal, people who are not consumed with their appearance, or people who truly spend their time giving back to their communities--then you'll find them. Even if you don't know what you want, it will come through naturally and you'll slowly discover yourself. A friend of mine came from a conservative town and family in western Michigan, and when we knew each other he was "Conservative." But I saw that he changed his status on Facebook to "Moderate" and a year later to "Liberal." I asked him about it and he said that his time in college had exposed him to so many different people and different activities and experiences that he could no longer identify with the preconceptions he held in his past. When I asked him about how his family/friends back home reacted, he said it was basically an exhausting cliche of "coming back an enlightened individual after going to college," but that he'd rather be who he is now, even at the behest of his family than have to pretend whenever he went back home.

Sorry, I know this is long, but I think your post revealed some complex thought processes, many of which I identified with at one point or another in my life. I'd be happy to keep talking to you about this, though.

 

[rareboy]

It must be hard to have been so favoured by fortune.

At 18, if you haven't had sex, I really wouldn't be too worried. When you're 22, come back and we'll talk.

I agree that you are a narcissist. Somehow you are under the delusion that everything is about you and that you must be in control. Firstly, understand that you are about to meet a lot of guys that are just as good looking, smarter and even more advantaged than you.

You're just about to find out that the rest of the world doesn't really care about whether your highschool friends or your family are liberal or have a stick up their ass or whatever. That is all behind you the moment you are at college or university.

From here on in, it is your choice how you behave and who you pick as friends and whether you play straight or be an honest and out gay guy. Totally up to you.

So you're not fucked up.

You haven't wasted anything....yet.

Make us proud.

Study hard, play hard; value substance over appearance.

 

[KaraBulut]

High school is all about the masks that people wear and the superficial things people do to appease teachers, parents and the mediocre masses.

College is your opportunity to figure out what is behind the mask and to be whatever it is you need to be.

Guys like you have it rougher because universities are full of people who were the best and the brightest in their own little world of high school.

If you survive your freshman year, you will find college to be a breath of fresh air.

If you survive your freshman year...

 

[G-Lexington]

I can only speak for myself.

When I entered college, I was a quiet awkward socially-inept guy who never talked to anyone at all if he could help it at all. I didn't know who I was, what I was, or what I wanted to be.

By the end of my Freshmen year, I had made several friends (many of whom I retain to this day, twenty years later). I was well on my way to discovering who I am. And I LOVED it. I loved being me. And, perhaps more exciting, other people loved it, too. Not EVERYBODY, of course, but a good chunk of them.

Ideally, everybody comes out of college a different person than they went in. And that's not even counting the classroom education they got.

Lex

 

[youngnihilist]

Yeah youre not "fucked up", a lot of people are wearing heavy masks in high school and let loose in college. i knew a lot of folks like you, everyone thought they were gay but they never admitted it, then 2 years later in college it's out in the open.

you will have that opportunity to let loose in college. having learned extensively about university age development/student affairs it's the time to branch out from the family and get closer to who you truly are.

 

[confused104]

Thank you everyone for your commentary and advice. I really appreciate you reading my post and taking the time to respond. Just to respond to a few general points that have been aired:

I don't hate myself, and am not usually so down on myself. I do get hard on myself sometimes over the issues that I have been dealing with with my sexuality, but that is the way that I handle a lot of issues. I expect a lot of myself, and end up putting a lot of pressure on myself, but it usually works out for the best. I also pick laid back friends to surround myself with in order to help tone myself down. This self-criticism is something that I dont see changing, but it is also something that I don't see as harmful either.

I do realize and appreciate (most of the time) the incredible advantages in life that I have given. Rest assured, I know that my life could be so much worse. I thought, however, that it was important to expose the advantages that I did posses so that people could give a fuller assessment of my situation, even though I did so at the risk of sounding like a huge narcissist. Although I am still in the process of discovering myself and my sexuality, I chose my college specifically over other colleges in part because of its openness and its gay-friendliness. I felt that this would make it a great environment to aide in my discovery process.

Your replies helped me a lot right away. In fact, I told my closest girl friend (the only one who I actually consider to be a lasting friend, one who I have deep conversations with regularly) today that I'm not straight (but not necessarily totally gay either). This was the first time that I have ever done something like this, and I was pretty proud of myself!

 

[luminum]

Hopefully it turned out well!

Let me see, the most pro-gay school has to be Oberlin, though it's not a top school.

Michigan is a top school and really pro-gay (Go Wolverines!).

Berkley is a no brainer and pretty high up there.

Well, I'll stop trying to guess, but I'm sure you'll enjoy any college you go to.

 

[KaraBulut]

I told my closest girl friend (the only one who I actually consider to be a lasting friend, one who I have deep conversations with regularly) today that I'm not straight (but not necessarily totally gay either).

....and how did it go....?

 

[confused104]

it went really well! she said that she was so glad that i felt that I could talk to her and that everything would work out fine. she is really nice.

 

[youngnihilist]

oberlin is a top liberal arts school. in any case if your university is in the top 50 ranked it should be gay friendly

 

[luminum]

oberlin is a top liberal arts school. in any case if your university is in the top 50 ranked it should be gay friendly

Sorry, you may be right. I think I got that mixed up with their sports program, which, in terms of fencing, is rather small. I just personally always foudn them to be relatively small and obscure albeit really known for it's queer-friendliness. But yes, if your school is top 50 it should be relatively queer-friendly.

 

[confused104]

haha you guys havent guessed it yet, but by all means keep guessing!

 

[youngnihilist]

well let's see, harvard, northwestern, yale, princeton, dartmouth, emory, ucla, cal, uva, tufts, u of chicago, stanford, upenn, duke, columbia, cornell, brown, johns hopkins, vanderbilt, notre dame, unc chapel hill. one of those?

 

[StlKj]

Welcome, congrats, and good luck. Okay, I don't have much advice, because the guys above are so amazing, they've pretty much covered it.

So add one other person who just supports you being happy and true to yourself.

Oh, and a hug.

 

[Cedric]

Here's a top-20 list of gay-friendly colleges. I used to teach at one of them. But then... sigh... I left it for a job at another college that wasn't nearly as progressive. Oh well.... You live and you learn.

http://www.gayrightswatch.com/2005/08/gay-friendly-colleges-ranked-reed.html

 

[luminum]

^ Great advice!

 

[rareboy]

I don't hate myself, and am not usually so down on myself. I do get hard on myself sometimes over the issues that I have been dealing with with my sexuality, but that is the way that I handle a lot of issues. I expect a lot of myself, and end up putting a lot of pressure on myself, but it usually works out for the best. I also pick laid back friends to surround myself with in order to help tone myself down. This self-criticism is something that I dont see changing, but it is also something that I don't see as harmful either.

Actually you are a type A personality with a lot of self doubt and self hate wrestling with self love. There's no doubt that your self love is the greater force and you receive constant validation by letting everyone know that you're tougher on yourself than anyone else could be, but that it just makes you better and better. Just be aware that the balance can tip very easily and I've seen stars in high school go into a spiralling depression once they experience real failure for the first time in college or university, in employment or in love.

Stop it. Right now. You're imperfect. You don't have to beat yourself up and then telling yourself it is for the best.

I'd like not to believe you even pick your laid back friends to tone yourself down, instead of for a lot of other qualities. Or do you do it so that you'll shine all the brighter amid the dullness? Anyhow, stop choosing friends as an extension of you and start thinking of yourself as complementary to them.

Anyhow, when I read your posts, I see someone who is so bottled up and not aware of the damage that a lifetime of constant self criticism can unleash, not only for yourself, but for everyone around you.

You may end up being a sucessful business leader or politician or priest; there are thousands out there just like you, but you may also be continually unhappy and unfulfilled because you never can achieve what you really wanted and no one ever measures up to your high standards.

Work on this.