need some advice.

[clefairy]

okay, so i've been kind of seeing this guy. i've never had a boyfriend or have been intimate with any other guy before so this is all new to me, and i don't know where else to go for advice.

he's 21 and i'm 18. i'm gonna call him dave. a month ago, dave saw me working when he was waiting for my manager to get off work. i am assuming that he asked my manager what my name is, and then promptly added me on facebook. i didn't know who he was at the time, but i thought he was kind of cute, so i accepted his friend request anyway. it was clear from his profile/friends/pictures that he had yellow fever and i automatically knew that he was attracted to me.

so we started chatting a bit on facebook and then i met him in person for the first time when my manager and i got off work early one night. he seemed like a nice guy so i continued to talk to him and he took me out on a few dates after the first meeting.

i've never been so intimate with a guy before, and i haven't been this happy in a while now. he is really great and makes me feel important and good about myself. however, i don't know if it's my own insecurities or what, but i don't trust him.

he always talks about his exes, and the fact that he was ballsy enough to message me on facebook asking if i ever wanted to "hangout sometime" makes me suspicious of how often he actually does that. i may be just one of the many asian boys he is currently talking to---online and/or off. i also wasn't actually going to meet him in person if it wasn't for that night when i conveniently got off work with my boss at the same time. also, he is always coming into the store with different asian guys each time, which honestly makes me pretty jealous. (even though i would never admit that to anyone.)

it is also clear that he is VERY experienced. he definitely knows where to touch and kiss. and there's nothing wrong with that, but i feel so UNexperienced and i don't wanna be bad at kissing or anything.

i do like him, but i am set on NOT dating him, or letting him take my virginity. (although i'm a bit leery that that is all he wants to do anyway.) i do like making out with him, and how he makes me feel. am i being selfish by using him to satisfy 18 years of sexual deprivation and am i using him because i like the attention? i don't feel like i'm using him, but i feel like if i'm not gonna let "us" happen, i should stop letting whatever we have at the moment keep continuing. maybe i just have severe trust issues and i'm refusing to let him in? i don't know. it's a bit disappointing.

i also hope to god he isn't on these forums, that would be really embarrassing lol.

 

[ucfknight12]

All I can say is that if you don't trust him, don't give him your virginity. If he isn't in it for your virginity, he will wait. I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and we still haven't had sex. Sex isn't everything in a relationship so if you do want to consider dating him, make it clear that you don't want to have sex for a while and see if he stays or goes. I'm sorry I can't give you any more help than this

 

[Seasoned]

I look at it this way: whether he is playing you or not the fact that you think he is is enough to alarm you from wanting to become boyfriends. Given your ages it us likely that you will have at least several boyfriends.

It's difficult to combat jealousy, but it's easy to become jealous if two people have different expectations and have made erroreous assuptions. Have a talk with the guy and trust your instincts.

You may change your mind one day, but you seem to want no part of casual sex. My advice is to not be pressured into anything you don't want to do.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

I think back to my gay friend in college. He went out on a few dates with this somewhat older, "world-y" guy, and started sleeping with him soon after. He later discovered that he wasn't the only one, broke up with him, and went through that whole "I'm never dating again" dramatic phase.

It wasn't until several years later that he said "Upon reflection, I loved going out with him, and I loved having sex with him. Why the fuck would I care that there were others?" He basically had thrown a hissy fit because he felt he was SUPPOSED to throw a hissy fit. Because he felt it was supposed to be a "exclusive dating" thing, even though nobody ever said it was, and he didn't truly have a problem with it.

Consider this. If a guy takes another guy home and locks him in a cage for the weekend, he's kidnapping him. Unless the other guy wants to be locked in a cage. At that point, it no longer is a hostage situation - it's two consenting adults doing consensual activities. In a similar way, if you're one of several (Asian) guys he's dating because he's got a thing for them, then you're getting played. Unless you're cool with that. And, at least on some level, you seem to be. You seem to know he's (at the very least) gone this route before, and possibly is doing it right now. But you're still dating him.

So play a bit of let's-pretend. Let's pretend he IS making a play for other guys. Let's say you ask him about it, and he openly admits it. Does that diminish the enjoyment you're getting from your current relationship? If so, then yeah - maybe you should think about cutting it off. But if you still enjoy the attention, the kissing, and whatever might come later...and you enjoy them for what they are, not expecting a committed relationship to come out of this, then I don't see any reason to break it off.

Lex

 

[clefairy]

thank you guys for your insight! they all quite thought-provoking.

It's difficult to combat jealousy, but it's easy to become jealous if two people have different expectations and have made erroreous assuptions. Have a talk with the guy and trust your instincts.

You may change your mind one day, but you seem to want no part of casual sex. My advice is to not be pressured into anything you don't want to do.

i will definitely have a talk with him and talk to him about my suspicions. i don't want to be like most of the guys i know and regret their first time to some guy who was just playing them.

 

[TX-Beau]

It sounds to me like you want him to be only interested in you. Which is fine, but that’s your expectation, not his. You’ve only been out on a few dates with him, that’s pretty early to be expecting commitment. For anyone.

If he hasn’t told you he’s monogamous with you, you don’t have any say in who he dates. If that’s a problem for you, walk away.

If it’s not, listen to Lex.

If you do talk to him, don’t accuse, you don’t have the ground to stand on to make accusations.

It’s fine to tell him you want something exclusive – though I doubt at this stage that’s going to get him to commit.

Dating is the audition for the relationship, not the relationship. What is it exactly that bothers you? That he didn’t immediately drop everything else in favor of you? Or the suspicion that he’s going to cheat on you sometime down the line?

 

[ucfknight12]

It sounds to me like you want him to be only interested in you. Which is fine, but that’s your expectation, not his. You’ve only been out on a few dates with him, that’s pretty early to be expecting commitment. For anyone.

If he hasn’t told you he’s monogamous with you, you don’t have any say in who he dates. If that’s a problem for you, walk away.

If it’s not, listen to Lex.

If you do talk to him, don’t accuse, you don’t have the ground to stand on to make accusations.

It’s fine to tell him you want something exclusive – though I doubt at this stage that’s going to get him to commit.

Dating is the audition for the relationship, not the relationship. What is it exactly that bothers you? That he didn’t immediately drop everything else in favor of you? Or the suspicion that he’s going to cheat on you sometime down the line?

I couldn't have said it better myself, if you want exclusive you need to tell him that and go from there Good luck

 

[KaraBulut]

...
he always talks about his exes, and the fact that he was ballsy enough to message me on facebook asking if i ever wanted to "hangout sometime" makes me suspicious of how often he actually does that. i may be just one of the many asian boys he is currently talking to---online and/or off. ....

it is also clear that he is VERY experienced. he definitely knows where to touch and kiss. and there's nothing wrong with that, but i feel so UNexperienced and i don't wanna be bad at kissing or anything...

i do like him, but i am set on NOT dating him, or letting him take my virginity. (although i'm a bit leery that that is all he wants to do anyway.) i do like making out with him, and how he makes me feel. am i being selfish by using him to satisfy 18 years of sexual deprivation and am i using him because i like the attention? i don't feel like i'm using him, but i feel like if i'm not gonna let "us" happen, i should stop letting whatever we have at the moment keep continuing. maybe i just have severe trust issues and i'm refusing to let him in? i don't know. it's a bit disappointing.

If you're making out with him and having a little fun, it's a little unrealistic not to think about things going further. You're an adult and you have to be responsible in preparing for these things. If you continue down this path with this guy, there's a good chance you'll end up having sex with him. Be real, be prepared and be safe.

The other part of being an adult is being honest with yourself and with the other person.

In being jealous and worrying about him seeing other guys but saying that you don't want to date him, you're indulging in a really mixed set of messages. You don't want to date him yet you don't want him to date other people?

You're young and this is all very new to you. One of the reasons that this situation is so full of mixed messages is that you're being very passive-aggressive in this relationship- letting him pursue you and then putting up barriers so that it doesn't go anywhere.

If you want to make out with this guy and he's okay with that, then make the decision that he's going to be a snuggle-buddy or make-out buddy. Talk to him, be honest with him and don't send these mixed message.

If you really want more and this guy is not the guy you want "more" with, then end this situation where you're using him (or more accurately using each other) and find a guy that you are interested in and spend the time with him instead.

i also hope to god he isn't on these forums, that would be really embarrassing lol.

It sounds like he's more likely to be in FB.

 

[rareboy]

In being jealous and worrying about him seeing other guys but saying that you don't want to date him, you're indulging in a really mixed set of messages. You don't want to date him yet you don't want him to date other people?

this is what struck me.

One of my profs had an expression:

'Either fish or cut bait'.

Passive-aggressive is not a good basis for any relationship.

As Kara has written, just be honest with him. And ask him to be honest with you.

And then see where this friendship goes.

 

[clefairy]

thank you guys.

i honestly don't know what i want this to be. i will keep you guys updated.