Need some advice

[Notorious90]

Hey everyone.

This is my first time ever posting, but I've been surfing JUB for years.

I write because I need some advice. I'm gay, but not out. My best friend is also gay, but not out. In fact, he doesn't even know that I know he's gay. He has never told me about it, and is very private about his love life.

My problem is that I really like him. I have had a thing for him for ages, but only recently discovered that he is actually gay... We pretty much do everything together and sometimes I feel like there is something there, but he doesn't know I'm gay and doesn't know that I know that he's gay, so I feel like I might just be seeing what I WANT to see.

I don't know if it's worth pursuing... Should I speak to him straight out? if I do, then that means I have to explain how I know he is gay and that's something that he has specifically chosen not to share with me.

Or I could get drunk and be affectionate and see how he reacts? Not like try to kiss him, but just touch him a little more than usual or something. I don't know...

The last thing I want is for things to get awkward between us, but I really feel like I have to know if there is anything there...

Any advice?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum.

Come out to him remembering that not every gay person is attracted to every other gay person.

I think it's time for you to start living a full life.

Good luck!

 

[EJMichaels]

...if I do, then that means I have to explain how I know he is gay and that's something that he has specifically chosen not to share with me.

First, what Seasoned said.

Plus, I'm wondering about how you know - that might make a difference in how you deal with him.

 

[HunterM]

Yep. Tell him you're gay. Give him time to process the information. Hopefully, he'll come out to you. He needs his own timing to come out.

 

[sixthson]

You have a good friendship with the potential for more, so don't muck it up with alcohol or any other form of manipulation. Friends shouldn't do that to each others.
And don't confront him about his sexuality until you have faced your own. In a quiet time, when it's just the two of you, tell him you are gay. Leave it at that. If he is gay, but doesn't share it with you, at least you have taken the right steps.

Let us know what happens.

 

[backpacker]

As others have advised, you should come out to him. Don't expect him to immediately come out to you. He may be caught off guard and need some time to process the information. You should to allow him to come out to you on his terms.

You shouldn't tell him you know about his sexuality. Give him a couple of weeks to process things after you come out, then you can always start dropping hints that you suspect. By the way, why are you so sure that he is gay? Is it possible that he left something out for you to find? Are you positive whatever you discovered means he is gay? Unless he has told you personally, there is always room for doubt.

As far as alcohol goes, I don't suggest getting drunk as things may happen that you don't intend.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Notorious90,

Welcome to JUB and good to start with posting over here. Very, very good that you have taken the step to create an account on JUB, and to start posting over here. Feel free to continue with postings, and ask anything you would like to ask.

I agree with other posters over here that you should tell him that you are gay, and do this during a quiet moment when both of you are together. It is totally up to him to open himself to you (or to others), so please don't force him to do this.

I agree with Seasoned that you should try to come out, and not hide anymore to others that you are gay.

I was wondering if you are sure about:

he doesn't know I'm gay and he doesn't know that I know that he's gay.

I mean, you never had any discussion about this topic, so how do you know for sure (1) that he does not know that YOU are gay, and (2) that he is unaware that you know that HE is gay. Any clues?

I mean, you have found out, on one way or another, that he is gay, but why shouldn't he has found out the same about you?

My dear Notorious90, it seems to me that you are not yet anymore 18yo (or something like that), so wouldn't it be time to open yourself and don't hide anymore a very essential part of yourself?

I would like to wish you all the best.

 

[Rolyo85]

You don't actually have to explain how you know. The truth is we are never as deeply in the closet as we think we are. There are little things that betray us regardless of how masculine we might be. Eye contact, certain quality of uncertainty (for the closeted ones)... there are a lot of those things. Just say you figured it out.

That said, you will never have a strong and satisfying relationship with anyone while in the closet.

 

[Notorious90]

Ok.

Firstly thanks heaps for all of the advice guys. In response to your comments/questions:

1. I have already come out to 5 friends and even told 2 of them about my whole "situation" (They are 100% trustworthy so I'm not worried that they would EVER repeat it to anyone). This guy is next on my list, just trying to find the right time to tell him. The LAST thing I want to happen is for things to get awkward between us, so I'm kind of scared to actually tell him. It's not the kind of thing you can undo (as all of you obviously know)

2. How do I know he's gay?
I don't really want to explain the exact details of how it came about to me that he is. All I will say is YES, I am 100% sure he is gay. Literally, no possibility that he is not. However, when around other friends he talks about what he is "looking for in a girlfriend" and how he "doesn't want a wife til 35". basically just stuff that really tries to put out there "HEY I'M INTO GIRLS" as loudly as possible. So, the fact that he obviously has not dealt with himself at all scares me, and makes me think that telling him could end badly. Especially because his family is fairly religious, and I know how devastated he would be if they were ever to find out. Even though the above might make it sound like he is straight, I DEFINITELY know he is into guys. I suppose he could be bisexual, but I don't really think so.
So just to recap lol, he is definitely into guys, and possibly may be into girls, but I doubt it.
Also, he is quite flamboyant. He (like me) has dealt with people his whole life calling him gay, and he has spent his whole life denying it. It took me so long to finally come to terms with myself because my natural reaction for 20 years was to just deny everything. I don't know whether this complicates things (in that he is obviously not comfortable with himself, and his instincts tell him to deny deny deny).

3. Alcohol
I've definitely decided that alcohol is not the way to go. I suppose I only considered it because alcohol is the way I found out about him, so I thought it might have been easier to just get drunk and let my feelings out... But I am not going to do that. Obviously this relationship (and by that I mean friendship) is extremely important to me, and I really want to have complete control over what I say and do when I decide to bring it up.


And now I've said all of that, and just to confuse things, I just want to ask one more question. Or not so much a question, but just share something I guess. Occasionally I do get the feeling that maybe something is there. We literally do pretty much everything together. It's basically like we are going out, but we don't actually go on dates or touch each other at all. There are things he does and says that make me think he wants me to talk about it, like asking me how old I want to be when I get married. However, I feel like I might be over analysing. Maybe I am just hearing what I want to hear, and he genuinely does just think I want to get married to a girl and genuinely does want to know when I want it to happen. Obviously you guys can't know what I'm talking about exactly, but do you think it's a possibility that I am just reading into things and interpreting things the way I want them to be, rather than just seeing them for what they are? Haha very confusing I know, but if anyone else can share any wisdom on this it would be much appreciated.

I think I'm psyching myself out, and I just need to deal with the situation and come out to him (and not mention his sexuality at all). Any more advice, let me know ASAP and I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for all the help guys, I really appreciate it.

N90




P.S. I just re-read my post and I realise alot of it is just chunks of text and word vomit, but I tried to make it readable haha