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Need some advice.

F

FULLTHROTTLE

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First I'd like to say its been a long time since I've come here and a lot has changed for me in the best ways. I came out an feel great and I've met the love of my life, but that's where I need some advice.

So the other day I when I went over to my fiancés house I caught him watching porn. I didn't really care, we talked about it he said he didn't have that much and he promised to delete it all and that he would either limit his porn watching or (I liked this one more) save himself for when I'd come over 8-) well then I did something I'm not proud of... I wanted to see how much he had so I snooped when he was at work because he wouldn't let me see his "small collection". He had more then just a little there were folder and folders of the stuff and lots of pictures. I was a little upset because I was lied to and I wanted to test him some more so a couple days later I asked him if he had deleted it like he promised and he said he had but little did he know I had checked and it was all still there. We eventually got into a little heated discussion( no yelling or anything just talking everything out like we always have) and we made up I thought and we had a nice evening. The next morning I had to leave and he was still pretty much asleep but said "goodbye, I love you and I'll text you when I wake up". I haven't actually heard from him in 2 days now so I'm think he is mad at me. I've seen him post stuff on Facebook and other things but he wont answer me at all so today I only texted him 3 times thinking he just wants some space? What do you think happened and should I go surprise him tomorrow morning with a visit while he is still on bed, you know sneak into bed and cuddle till he wakes up? I just don't like being ignores like this, we've always talked about anything that bothered us and made sure to communicate I feel like I messed up and don't want to lose him.
 
How long have you guys known each other? You refer to your fiance but you do not own the guy! Everybody is entitled to their own private life even if they are married to some one You entered your friends private area without his permission and now you are surprised the relationship is not the same as it was before. You may have 'come out' but I am afraid you will now have to learn how to have a good relationship with a partner if you want a long term relationship.
I think you have got some 'bridges' to rebuild with your finance if your relationship is to survieve !
 
I know what I did was wrong but it shouldn't of caused any problems if he wasn't trying to hide anything. I know I've over reacted and stepped over my boundary. Now i want to make it all up but I'm not sure how I should. Should I go for the morning surprise? I want to show him that I am sorry and that I want this relationship.
 
You're right... I guess its because I had given up looking at porn once we started seeing each other so I thought he did too maybe. I know I love him and I do want the whole package. I'm not perfect especially if you look at how I snooped :( and I know him he does want the whole package. I need to just get over this insecurity I guess you could call it. Thank you guys for helping me so far.
 
Never, never, never ask someone a question when you already know the answer. It's a huge set up. If the issue needs to be discussed lay your cards on the table.

The only person you can control is yourself. I would think most people in relationships masturbate. A lot of people in relationships look at porn. Can porn be a problem? Yes, but it's not up to you to identify his problems unless they interfer with living.

Perhaps porn is a problem for him seeing he minimized his collection and said he'd get rid of it when he had no intention to do so. On some level he's embarrassed or, at least, it would seem so.

No, I wouldn't surprise him. The two of you aren't living together and he deserves his privacy.

Communication is key. No more trick questions and a free flowing, non-judgemental discussion of sexuality, expectations and ground rules is in order. It may be that you aren't comparable with one another, or one or both will need to make some changes.

The best thing you can do for yourself and the relationship is stop parenting him.

Just tonight my husband pulled the parenting act with me. I told him to stop and when he didn't I said I needed to get away for a short while. We are going to have our 29th anniversary next month and I'm here to say that adult to adult communication is essential. So I went for a ride, filled the gas tank, came home and had the needed conversation. The air is cleared and the relationship got stronger.

Take a hint. If you know he has porn don't ask if he does. When cornered, people lie. Use that in all areas of all interpersonal relationships.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you guys.
 
Thank you seasoned. I hate what I did and I know I acted in a, I guess you could say, childish way. I just don't know how I can fix this if I can't even get him to talk to me. The silent treatment has never been what we've done to each other when upset. Like I said we always had great comminication with each other. I've understood what I've done and I'm not going to just let it all go...like I should have in the first place. Im feeling pretty awful right now because of all of this and I just want to go and see him.
 
First of all, porn, jerking of, hell - even going to dating sites - is NOT a problem in a relationship in and of itself. What you think about it and how you choose to censor yourself is not a universal rule that everybody else should follow. Unless - as Seasoned and the rest said - these things can be identified as interfering with your relationship, you have no business demanding that he stop doing them.

You did more than behave in a childish way. You ignored your bf. You have no respect for him, and you do not trust him. If that is so, why are you even with him? Or is this the way you would behave with everyone you date? If so, then you need to examine this and do some self-reflecting. This type of attitude is directly and severely destructive in a relationship, and unless you can suddenly become ten times as mature as you've shown yourself to be, and have an honest conversation admitting your bullshit and apologizing, then I don't see it working with this guy, or any other for that matter.

Why did you check? Why not take his word for it? For that matter, why did you get upset with him watching porn to begin with?
 
Ok, first I do respect and trust my fiancé. This was the first time i have ever acted in such a way and I'm not even sure why, but I realized that I did something very wrong. Also I don't' know why I got upset I guess it was an insecurity issue. I felt like that because he was watching porn that maybe I was maybe being disappointing in bed but I've realized that it really isn't that big of a deal because it hasn't effected our relationship in anyway. I have been self-reflecting these past couple of days and I know that I need to change in those areas and I am going to. I was dumb to ever doubt him or go behind his back like I did and I'm not ever going to do that again. I love, respect, and trust him.

Now I just need to actually talk to him but I don't know how to get him to answer me so we can talk things out like we always have. I really think I should just go over and see him.
 
Yeah, I overreacted. I wish I could go back and stop myself from even doing what I did. When I think about it doing what I did is very out of character. We've always respected each others privacy on certain things and I don't know what made me act like I did. And about "saving it" I think the longest we usually go without seeing each other is 2 days at most especially since both of us are not taking any classes atm. I'm just going to go by after he gets off work and just talk to him, I know how he is he won't mind the unannounced stop by.
 
What's done is done. No point dwelling over it now. Do your best to come clean and be honest. Explain why you did you did. Whatever his response is, is beyond your control and you have to accept it. It's not the end of the world and hopefully you guys will work things out.

With regards to porn... well you're here in a website dedicated to porn. :P jk.
 
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