Need some help with my life

[mar1981]

I have not been on this site in a long time. I am 31 years old, only done very safe stuff with other guys (oral with condoms, mutual masturbation). Back in October I met a guy and began to feel extremely guilty after mutual masturbation and protected oral. This has been a constant problem with anyone I have met. I just feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and feel so alone. Most nights I cry myself to sleep in the pillow. Who am I? Thinking about rather I am gay or not leads to feelings of anxiety and depression.

Having kids is something I wanted with a nice house and proud grandparents (my parents). Back in November I went over to my parents and they asked what the problem was. I told them that I had a sexual encounter with another man that was just mutual masturbation and protected oral sex (it was). I was crying and all upset and went on to explain that it was a one time thing. My father has leukemia is a devot Catholic and my mom was severly injured in a accident...both of them I am very close with.

The guilt from all of this is just killing me. How could I be so selfish? I have since put a stop to everything. I don't look at gay porn or think of men at all. It's like I am a robot anymore with just loneliness, anxiety, guilt and depression. I can no longer in good conscious say that being gay is what is right for me but I also can not date a woman and lie to her...so where does that leave me? Alone.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being gay IS what is right for you. And there is not a single reason in the world why you should feel any amount of guilt over it.

Other people - society, those around you, your parents - have put guilt in your head, and you are neither responsible for it, nor should you nurture it. Being gay is NOT a disease, it is NOT a disorder and it is NOT a sin. Nobody has the right to say otherwise to you, or expect you to listen. But it is your choice to accept this for yourself or not.

What your parents might want, what some hypocritical religion might claim to be true, should be of no concern to you. You do not live for other people, you live for yourself. Your life is your own, and you are the only one who can rejoyce or suffer from how you live it. If you don't take care of your own happiness, nobody else will either.

I am sorry that your parents have problems, and while you should do your best to support them emotionally and in other ways, you should NOT try to repress who you are because of them. Because sorry to be blunt, but whether you masturbated with a guy or had a full blown three-day-weekend orgy tied in a sling with 40 guys plowing your ass, you're just as gay, and it counts just as much. Living a lie is a disservice to yourself, and if someone asks you to do it, then they don't love who you are, but just their own ideas of who you should be. And such people are not good for you, even if they are your own parents.

Some more tough love - you are now 31. You are in your prime, but won't be for much longer. You have now lived roughly 25 years of lying to yourself and the world, repressing your true self and your desires. And for what? For a religion whose enforcers molest children? For parents who would rather you live in misery than be happy? Being gay is a wonderful, powerful thing, but you have to choose to make it so. So you can waste what's left of your youth, become a "confirmed bachelor" and think dark depressed thoughts until you can't take it anymore, or you can embrace who you are, and go explore the world that will open up for you.

Other people have started living later than you. Ask Seasoned. But if you don't want it, nobody can make you happy.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

Barring a chemical imbalance, organized religion is the primary reason behind the majority of our guilt; regardless of denomination, we are indoctrinated with its morals, mores, values, judgments, and condemnations. The sooner we realize that The Bible, The Koran, The Talmud, et. al., are by large of "God" were each fundamentally written BY Man! And only anyone's Higher Power knows exactly how many times edited, reedited, and/or translated (thus losing many of its original intended meaning).

Ultimately, each and every one of us that subscribe to [a] God are going to have to work at that particular relationship, as we do with any other; we are human after all. When anyone else tries to convert me to his or her particular religion, more often than not I will listen to their preaching(s) for a while before finally saying, "Thank you, but no thank you." And if they persist, I will throw them, "okay, fine, your God is better than my God ... and my God is okay with that."

Mr. mar1981, you obviously have some work cut out for yourself to repair the relationship you have with your own conscience and entire sense of self. I'm not encouraging you to go out and suck every willing cock available (safe or unsafe), but somewhat like a recovering alcoholic or addict - you do need to acknowledge and accept your situation. Those with addictive personalities can live happy, productive lives without the bane of their choice. Many heterosexuals and homosexuals also live happy, productive lives without sex. I am not encouraging your self-imposed celibacy, but it is obviously having unwarranted and unnecessary consequences. I feel that you need to acknowledge and accept your homosexual self.

Once you do that, I'm confident that you will realize that it just a part of you and does not define you as a person. Right now, you're probably disavowing that one little facet of you, fighting it tooth and nail - hence your depression at such futility. I teach at a college, and when I allow that to DEFINE me as a person, every other aspect of my life suffers, and I become depressed. We all need to achieve an equilibrium in our every day lives; "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Happiness should not be a goal; it should just happen (and hopefully often).

 

[Seasoned]

You have choices, the first being self-acceptance. How do you get there? Alone, by reading, by meeting LGBT people, and/or with therapy. Without self acceptance none of us are more than shells. The second choice you have, and which you will arrive at through the first choice, is being gay by day as well as night. This "under the duvet" sex life you've been having when, I'm guessing, your horniness is at a breaking point does nothing for you except to tell you that you need a full, honest life, which is what every human being deserves.

I'm gay and Catholic at least to the point where I go to mass and communion occasionally. I like the message of the Church of my boyhood, which was live and let live. I know that's changed now in many parishes and certainly with the Vatican, but my parish is open and liberal. My husband sings in one of their choirs and there are many gay couples who belong to the parish. Almost every Catholic picks and chooses what they believe beginning with every married couple practicing birth control. Being Catholic ought not be your issue and you don't have to give it up unless you want to. You just need to find a priest or parish that separates the basic message from the added on trappings.

I don't understand why you would tell your parents about any of your encounters. There's still a confessional if you feel the need. They are your parents. If you tell them anything, it's that you feel like you're a shell because you haven't been able to be the person you were born to be.

Some of us have a difficult time breaking through heterosexism, but those that have are here to tell you that you can do it too. It's time to stop just being sad. Get pissed that the messages you've received are wrong and detrimental. Get pissed at yourself for not realizing this sooner. Break free and live.

 

[rareboy]

Honey. You need therapy. Really serious, good therapy. I don't think you can do this on your own from what you are saying.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. None.

Your parents shouldn't be your confessional about sex. They hopefully aren't telling you what they do in the bedroom that they feel guilty about.

It could be the religious upbringing. It could be neuro-chemical imbalance. I have no idea. But you are obviously someone who has a lot of misplaced hate for himself and you deserve to be let out of this prison that you are in. And the place to start is to unburden yourself to someone who can help set you free.

Ideally, you can find someone within the religious community who can help you walk your way through this and help you understand that you can be a happy, healthy, loving and loved, sexually fulfilled homo.

 

[Lube]

Selfish? Selfish?

Are you selfish for the color of your hair? The color of your skin? Your left- or right-handedness?

No, of course not. These things just are. Your sexuality is the same thing.

Selfishness is fooling an innocent woman into marrying you and having children based on the false premise that you're straight.

That, my friend, is selfish.

(Been there, done that. Didn't come out until my 40's. don't make the same mistakes I did.)

 

[KaraBulut]

Honestly, this sounds like someone who has an idea of what he wants but doesn't know how to make it all happen.

And that's the point where seeing a therapist will help. You have all the pieces and parts to the puzzle. The therapist can help you figure out how to put them all together.

 

[mar1981]

Thanks for all the replies. I should clarify that religion is not really a issue with me. I can remember being in my early 20s and thinking "this is just a stage" and/or not worry about same sex attraction at all (just keep it hidden). Never worrying about the future and living care free and now I do nothing but worry and have anxiety. Let me give some examples. What is going to happen to me when I am say 70? All alone (most probable)? With a gay partner till one of us dies with no kids of my own (also scarey)? Thinking about these questions and so many others scares the piss out of me and is depressing. I cry so many times thinking in private about how in the past I was so happy and now I am so sad now.

I am seriously considering trying a non-religion based therapy to see if I can change this. There is no problem at all with what others do and I do accept anyone that is gay. Admiration is what I have for those who are openly out...it takes some balls. For me its more like I can't accept this for my life. I feel like I am getting older and time is running out and decisions are going to have to be made for my future or my life may turn into the nightmare that I don't want.

 

[Seasoned]

The nightmare comes from denial and depression. Trust me on this. Planning for your future is different from worrying about it. The "what ifs" are time wasters.

You can have children in your life, if you want them, but that demands at least periodic optimism, because children need hope.

Don't worry what's going to happen when you're 70. If you're going to worry about something, worry about what you can be doing differently by the time your next birthday comes around. First things first.

 

[hylas]

man, you need professional help. eventually you need to get to know other lgbt folks (for friendships only), but first, professional help. nevertheless, a couple of thoghts:

- "I can remember (...) not worrying about same sex attraction at all (just keep it hidden)" / "I cry so many times thinking in private about how in the past I was so happy and now I am so sad now."
you think you were happy then, and perhaps you were, but you were also running from the pain and difficulty of facing your own sexuality and dealing with it. and now its catching up with you. all the repression has made you ill, and now you have to work on getting healthy again.

- "Thinking about rather I am gay or not" well, youre gay. no "thinking about" required. stop obsessing about what sexual acts you did and didnt do with other men. being gay is about the desire, not the act. it doesnt matter if you "only" did mutual masturbation or if you got gang-banged in a dungeon.

- for gods sake, dont tell your parents what sex acts you did and didnt do, with other men or anybody. no parent needs to know that.

- what they do need to know, eventually, is that youre gay and it was not a "one time thing." but thats waaaay off in the far future. first, you need to sort out yourself. so dont worry about it for now. just leave them out of it.

- gay people can have children and form healthy families. (and have a nice house.) you probably cant imagine how happiness can lie that way, if all gay encounters youve had so far were secretive at best, shameful and depressing at worst. once you get healthy, you will see how fulfilling gay love can be.

- "How could I be so selfish?" you, selfish? you have denied your own true self for the sake of people around you - your parents, your church - so much so that youve fallen ill. i think its time you start being selfish, and start taking care of yourself.

i hope you get better... i wish you all the best!

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

Worrying is just a lack of faith, and that faith doesn't have to be in a higher power per se; it can and should [sic] be in yourself. Even without knowing you, I have "faith" that all will work out for you eventually. Like you, "religion aside" statistically you will invariably grow out of your funk -- depression is temporary, where suicide is permanent. Depression stems from our unattained expectations, as in your expectation of you growing out of your same-sex attraction. Well, no offense, but obviously it is not going to be just a stage, so now you have to work through your remaining stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Being gay really can be a shell shock to anyone that truly matters, or it can be just an "okay, whatever". I often joke that my devoutly Catholic mother is still in denial and fervently hopes that I am merely just "going through a phase" at the ripe old age of 30. Sure, she obviously had more hopes of her only son producing biological offspring, but I do have a beautiful adopted son. My being gay is just an identification of a mere facet of my personality; it doesn't define me as a person. I allowed that facet (my sexuality) to define me when I first came out and quickly realized that there is so much more to me. Invariably, those that you choose to come out to will realize that you're not just a condom-sheathed gay cock waiting to fuck ass, but a real and genuine man; obviously, those people of whom I speak are more accepting than you are of your own self. Start with one ... I'm sure that you will be surprised.

 

[layton]

Why'd you tell your parents details, noone needs to know the explicit details.

 

[Telstra]

I have not been on this site in a long time. I am 31 years old, only done very safe stuff with other guys (oral with condoms, mutual masturbation). Back in October I met a guy and began to feel extremely guilty after mutual masturbation and protected oral. This has been a constant problem with anyone I have met. I just feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and feel so alone. Most nights I cry myself to sleep in the pillow. Who am I? Thinking about rather I am gay or not leads to feelings of anxiety and depression.

Having kids is something I wanted with a nice house and proud grandparents (my parents). Back in November I went over to my parents and they asked what the problem was. I told them that I had a sexual encounter with another man that was just mutual masturbation and protected oral sex (it was). I was crying and all upset and went on to explain that it was a one time thing. My father has leukemia is a devot Catholic and my mom was severly injured in a accident...both of them I am very close with.

The guilt from all of this is just killing me. How could I be so selfish? I have since put a stop to everything. I don't look at gay porn or think of men at all. It's like I am a robot anymore with just loneliness, anxiety, guilt and depression. I can no longer in good conscious say that being gay is what is right for me but I also can not date a woman and lie to her...so where does that leave me? Alone.

This is what homophobia is all about.
The fear of people knowing you are a homosexual. It takes a lot of time to knock down the fear.
It will take alot of work. The more men you meet to do naughty staff, the less fear it will become.