Need some pointers on how to better my story writing

[Bryan2o07]

Hey guys I had a story that I started about a year ago the link is here.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=209373

Please if you can read through it and if you have any pointers let me know open to some constructive critisism

 

[Bryan2o07]

By the way i'm working on another story the last one kinda died to say the least
:-(

 

[LonelyFace]

Please don't be offended by my constructive criticism (a lot of it is the same as what others have already noted). It's a great short story made even better by the fact that it's true!

Make sure to become best friends with Spelling/Grammar Check. Other than that, your story isn't too bad. I suppose as an editor would say, 'this is good, but not good enough.'

But it reads as though you're right in front of me telling me about it in a conversation. Granted, that's normally a GOOD thing, and it helped me get more into the story, but it doesn't really flow like it would if it was a book.

Your writing also lacks transitions and character introductions/background info. You refer to Staci as 'the girl that we worked with' but then you start referring to her by name all of a sudden. And we don't really know anything about any of the characters. What do they look like? What were they wearing? What is something unique about their appearance? That sort of thing. Without this stuff, the story seems too rushed and ends up reading a lot like "Hamlet" ('oh look, Ophelia's gone insane all of a sudden!' 'oh wait, Ophelia's dead now I guess!').

And sometimes it's hard to tell who's saying what. :/

Other than that, it's great. Keep going with it, you've already got an audience hooked!

 

[Bryan2o07]

Thanks, I will remember to put some of those things into my next story that I am working on

 

[NoStarDies]

Please don't take any offense to anything I may say, as I'm not trying to be a dick, just giving some feedback on what I think might need some work. With that said:

I agree with the other poster, it doesn't seem to have any transitions and reads jumpy.
You also seem to use a lot of "I" and "I am" to start sentances, which can at times be repeatative, especially if from the start of the story, we get the idea that its from the first person point of veiw, so using I and I am all the time isn't really needed to describe every action the story relayer does.

Also to echo what was said, its always helpful to have someone be your beta reader, to read through and help point out things that don't flow well or proofread it.
I'm sure you could find someone to help out, if not I'd be more the happy to do it for you at some point.

I hope this made sense =/

Xoxo Robby

 

[LonelyFace]

(I'd be more than happy to proofread your work, if you'd like!)

 

[Autolycus]

Frankly, I do not see much wrong with the way in which you presented the story. It comes across as someone telling of his experiences as they happened - it is like someone actually giving a verbal account. This is a perfectly acceptable style of writing, not everything has to be a piece of classical literature!

I agree that you should use a spell checker and also you should use proper punctuation as that makes for easier reading. Otherwise be yourself and do not bother with emulating the styles of other writers.