need to unload some baggage

[Georgiadude]

Ok, here goes well everything.

I am 41 years old and have come to realize that I am gay. I really really thought I was bi. I kept my sexuality a secret and actually struggled with my feelings most of my life. I fell in love with a woman and we got married. We have 2 small children 6 and 8. My marriage was great in the beginning and I didn't have many thoughts about men for a long time. Over the past couple of years my marriage has slowly fallen apart and my attraction to men has increased. I started checking out gay porn on the net and found myself checking out the boys every where we went. I told my wife that I was bi and she couldn't handle it. She told me she wanted a divorce. Our divorce is in the process of being finalized. There have been other issues between us and I think this was just the catalyst. She is not homophobic in the least, we have had numerous friends that are gay and have trusted them with our children. It is just that she doesn't want to be married to someone that is bi or gay for that matter. Since admitting to her that I was bi I have come to the conclusion that I really am gay. I'm 100 percent sure. I'm ok with being gay. It is who I am. My problem is that I am so far in the closet with my family and co workers that I can't even see the door. I am trying to find a new job and have told myself that when I get a new one I am going to tell the truth, when and if the question comes up. At my present job I have heard all of the jokes and stories, comments about gay people. Even if my co workers supported me to my face I know it wouldn't be real and when I turned my back the gossip would start.

We moved to Atlanta 2 years ago and outside of work I don't know anyone that I would call a friend. I am extremely lonely and depressed. To tell you how pathetic I am, I have gone to the all male strip club and hung out with a couple of the dancers. I know they are after my money and are not interested in being a friend, but it is someone to talk to and laugh with. I have told them that I don't have any money and 1 guy still spent most of the evening talking with me between performances. I told him I am gay and it felt good being able to tell another person "my secret". He admitted he is bi and said he is closeted at home as well.

I guess my reason for posting this is to ask for some support from others who may have found out later in their lives they are gay or have been married before figuring out whom they are. If anyone is in the Atlanta area I really could use some friends. I'm really not as big of a loser as this post makes me sound.

thanks for letting me get this load off of my mind.

 

[G-Lexington]

You sound like you're coming to grips with your homosexuality, and that's great. The more you accept it, the easier it'll be.

Do do a search online for gay clubs and organizations in Atlanta - there's TONS. Gay biking clubs, gay volleyball leagues, gay book clubs, whatever. Those are great ways to start meeting some people in a non-sexual setting.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Georgiadude. Your situation is much more common than you might realize. If you haven't already, check out GAMMA (Gay and Married Mens Association). There are chapters in most large cities, and they now have a pretty extensive website. You have many issues, the two largest are the impeding divorce and being in the closet.

With your wife knowing your situation, your ability to stay in the closet could be in jeopardy. What that means in your specific case, I wouldn't know, but I do think it's something you need to consider along the way.

If you get to know some of the guys in GAMMA, you will discover many men who, when they were younger, felt much as you did--that this was something that could either be masked, ignored, or was a minor quirk in an otherwise healthy and happy existence. As we get older, though, it's harder to deny and it's even harder to get aroused except with the object of your true attraction. Men in GAMMA also have experience, in many cases, of dealing with divorce issues and having pre-adolescent children (as in, what to tell them--and when). They also know the issues of guilt and how confusing all this is.

Good luck to you. We know this isn't easy. I hope you find the support you need either here or there. But, mostly, congratulations on taking some very big (and brave) steps to insure your mental health.

 

[ajax49]

You are going through at 41 what I went through at 61. It's rough, but please believe me, it's worth it! I will be happy to share more personal aspects of this. If you are interested, PM me. If you were in the D.C. area, we could meet.

 

[gmoney]

Dude! You are NOT a loser! I am 45 years old. I tried for years and years to deny my true feelings. The way I see it is, I lost the best years of my life trying to deny who I really am. Now that I've accepted it, I've been more happy with my life than ever.

If you want to meet and talk, just pm me. Jav1231 and I are friends too. I look forward to actually meeting you.

 

[Seasoned]

It is a process for all gay people. Think of the difficulty in figuring out that you are different from what society says is "normal." I agree that you need to find gay social venues and that will be a huge help. Therapy with a good therapist wouldn't hurt either. I was married and have 2 children and so grateful that I faced the issue while they were young.

Sending brotherly love and every good wish.

 

[Georgiadude]

Guys,

thanks so much for the support and kind words. I will be back later and PM some of you. I just wanted to let you know I have read your replies and will be updating a little later this evening.

Thanks again. Your friendly advice has helped already.

 

[alley]

Very similar to my situation( no kids here)---many of the guys here have been married and divorced---there are some great Jubbers in the Atlanta area--Gmoney is one---kinda jealous that you live there and can sit and talk with them---

 

[pausanias_usa]

"One step at a time" -- true for someone coming out at any age, or in any situation!

 

[Georgiadude]

hello boys,

first I want to thank each and every one of you for the kind words and support. I really am feeling a little better already. I know I am not the first person to go through this but when it is you, it sure feels like it. I actually haven't cried today. That makes it the first time in 2 weeks.

Please keep the advice coming. I have a long way to go and a lot to learn but with the help of my new friends I'm going to make a new life for myself. I'm really looking forward to being happy again.