Needing advice over a guy with potential

[Just_Believe18]

It's not often I ask for advice, but I went on this date this weekend and wanted to weigh in on what you guys think.

So I started talking to this guy online for a bit and we agreed to meet for dinner to get to know each other. He's my age in our twenties, very cute with dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, and has this down-to-earth personality that is sweet, friendly, and funny.

We both enjoy seeing movies, shared our video gaming past, and could relate to some of the things we enjoy and experienced. He even insisted on paying for dinner, and grabbed the check before I could pull out my wallet (something I'm not used to on a first date because I'm usually the generous one).

We stayed at the restaurant for two full hours talking and having a good time over dinner. Each of us had to go afterwards, but immediately set up a couple more dates this coming week, and I received some very nice texts afterwards that he really liked me.


So you must be asking, JB_18, what's the problem? This guy sounds like a great catch!

Well, despite being a well-rounded guy, there's a drawback. He's a late bloomer. As in, he just came out completely last November. He hasn't even been out a year yet, and his experiences have been limited to a few guys. He's no stranger to relationships though. He's had serious girlfriends, including one he was with for 2 1/2 years. I also know he wants a relationship with a guy, because he told me there was this guy he really liked, but he found out the guy wasn't interested in a boyfriend, just fun. So he ended it with the guy because sex wasn't the only thing he wanted.


Fortunately, it's still early to be thinking about this, but I wanted to get my thoughts out here about the situation before the next couple of dates. What do you guys think? If things continue to go very well, is a relationship practical to pursue with him? I want my next serious relationship to be in the pursuit of the one, not just to have a boyfriend and feel wanted. I can feel wanted by friends and other guys being single.

Would I be setting myself up for heartache if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me understanding the feelings I have about it? I think of the 5 year relationship I had at 18, the experiences I've had afterwards being single for the first time, and where I'm at now. If he's missing most of that...?

 

[altlover85]

I think Wel has given you great advice. I would make sure he knows you are serious after the first few dates. You want to make sure your first experience wasn't a fluke and that you two are compatible, but you don't want to lead him on, if you really feel that you can't just be boyfriends and must be soulmates.

I can understand where you are coming from for sure, but don't be so caught up in the destination that you lose out on some potentially amazing experiences along the way. I know this is a lot easier said than done.

Good luck!

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thanks for some of the input so far, guys.

Let me clarify something. I'm not one of those guys who are only looking for "the one." I'm perfectly content to stay single. What I am saying, is I am not one of those guys who wants to jump in a relationship just so he can can feel loved by having a boyfriend. I know a lot of guys who do this, and naturally the relationship rarely lasts a year.

So if I do get into a relationship, I want it to be with a guy where I could see myself spending my life with him. Sure, I could spend another 5 years and have a memorable relationship, but afterwards, I'll be single again, older, and may have missed out on many other experiences, people, or perhaps the real "one" because I took myself out of the dating pool.

 

[Nomenclature]

So you must be asking, JB_18, what's the problem? This guy sounds like a great catch!

Well, despite being a well-rounded guy, there's a drawback. He's a late bloomer. As in, he just came out completely last November. He hasn't even been out a year yet, and his experiences have been limited to a few guys.

::slaps you on the back of the head::



SO?!


If you stop going out with him for THAT. . .


/facepalm.

 

[sixthson]

I will tell you something you already know: you can't live tomorrow, today. So stop anticipating. His inexperience could be irrelevant. He might be more partner-worthy than you. Just get to know him like you would any friend. Afterall, the man you love and spend your life with should be your best friend. Enjoy getting to know him.

 

[Hot White Trash]

All I can say is good luck. I have no idea how relationships work because I can't figure guys out. The only advice I can give is what someone older and wiser gave me - be honest and be yourself. I don't think you have much control over anything else.

 

[hylas]

i think you should immediatly stop seeing that guy, because your fears are very real. and fears lead to hatred, and hatred leads to the end of the relationship, and we cant have that.





i am, of course, bullshitting. keep seeing him, you dumbass.

 

[Kyanimal]

I can completely understand your concerns, and, yes, they are quite valid ones. Since he is newly out, you are "further down that road", and Know there are things he has not yet discovered/realized. I'm even willing to bet there are things that you have not discovered, yet, either.

I can understand your thoughts of maybe holding him back, or leading him into a situation that he does not fully comprehend. And, I can also sense your concerns of him possibly holding you back, too. You are a "Good Man", JB-18, and your concerns are quite commendable.

I truly do "follow" you! I have been through (with me being the "newby", despite being the "older"), and have also been privy to, similar situations. However, my own circumstances, and those of others that I've been aware of, didn't work out the same. The varying outcomes were entirely dependent on the individuals involved, encompassing their own hopes, perspectives, and unique circumstances. In spite of what we may think, Humans, and LIFE, in general, are not all that predictable!

That said ... I would (Highly, from what you've described) recommend your continuing to pursue that Potential. It's quite possible that He really IS "The One"! "A bird in hand ...", and all that. Yeah! Cliches usually carry some Truth!

Might the two of you run into some problems along the way? Oh, Yes! I can absolutely guarantee it! (Even if he was as "up to speed" as you are.) However, with your perspective/understanding/compassion/concern, I'm quite confident that you have the ability to be teacher/guide if necessary. It's also quite possible, with his own experiences, that he will teach you a few things, too!

All in all, given what you've told us, I think it would be a Tremendous dis-service, to BOTH of You, if you might decide to "bail" on Him simply over "what ifs"! I also believe that if you don't give this guy a chance, it could well end up being one of the biggest regrets of your Life!

Another cliche ... " 'Tis better to Love ..."

Sorry about the inappropriate Caps, my overuse of "quotes", and those cliches! But, hey!, at least I've been laying off the Smilies! (Up until NOW! )

JB-18, I trust you know that I hold You in Very High Regard. I consider You a Man of Integrity. And, I hope, though I'm also fairly sure, that you're catching my drift, here. LIFE is too Short! Follow those "Good Things" that may come your way. And, if they don't quite work out? At least you'll Know! And if they Do work out? WOW!

(Oh, Geeze! I could have simply typed that last paragraph, and been done! )

Wishing You the Very Best!

And, yeah! ... especially now ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[altlover85]

I also have to say there's no reason to stop seeing him. I think feeling anxious because you have more experience than him is also normal, but just recognize it as a feeling and don't let it impede the progress you might have in this relationship. You'll never know how the relationship works out unless you go for it.

 

[KaraBulut]

The problem here is not the guy. It's you. It's all happening a bit fast and it's all too easy.

Just be honest. Today. Tomorrow. And the next day.

If you want to take it slow, be honest about it. If you're not ready to get serious, be honest about it. If you're getting emotionally involved, be honest about that too.

The two of you can decide how fast you want to move. But this is probably a good time to point out... this was just a first date, after all. It's a bit early for a freak-out.

 

[backpacker]

Sure, I could spend another 5 years and have a memorable relationship, but afterwards, I'll be single again, older, and may have missed out on many other experiences, people, or perhaps the real "one" because I took myself out of the dating pool.

I don't think the issue is with him or his inexperience. You don't sound ready to be in a relationship. I think you will be the one wondering what you are missing out on. Was that an issue with your first relationship?

 

[altlover85]

I think when you spend 5 years with somebody and it doesn't work out there is that feeling for some people that you don't want to waste time with someone who's not serious about things.

I think what the OP is saying is he doesn't want to put too much energy and time into this relationship if this guy isn't serious. The new guy's lack of experience is probably a trigger for the OP of feelings of anxiety about this guy possibly not being that serious or needing other things that the OP can't provide.

 

[Corny]

you just met him once. you don't even know him!

go for it ..

you say you are the kind of guy who doesn't want to jump right into a relationship just to "have one". so why are you already so concerned about it? at this point you can't even judge whether he is relationship material or not!

meet him, spend time together, do things. have sex if you want, don't if you don't want to. see what makes him tick, let him see how you tick. maybe you will grow closer. maybe not.
maybe you find a great friend. maybe you find a great lover. maybe you find a great longterm relationship.

maybe it ends up to be a shorter relationship .. so what?
don't see your time together as an investment. make it a gift.

 

[rareboy]

Stop over-thinking and over-rationalizing.

Live in the moment.

Enjoy one another and see where it goes.

 

[slnattak]

How can you 'be out' if you were never in? I don't understand the coming out process, or what you're supposed to do sometimes. I think homoeroticsm is very natural. I'd just enjoy having a good friend.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Update:

So today we had lunch. I treated him to a restaurant on the waterfront, and afterwards we had a nice walk along the river. Still, I have a very positive impression of him and he feels the same way towards me. Unfortunately, he had both a birthday party and a wedding to go to, so we weren't able to spend more time together. His hug to say good-bye was both strong and prolonged. When I told him I had intended to invite him over, he was suddenly very disappointed in how busy he was. The funny part is, he mentioned some tentative plans he had for tomorrow, but when I told him I was available, he predicted they'd probably fall through, and told me to call him tomorrow.

 

[Kyanimal]

There you go!!

And, yeah! ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Just_Believe18]

Update:

It's been a couple weeks now. We've hung out twice since then. With his busy schedule, he had to end up canceling three times on me. When he was able to hang out, I asked him if he wanted to eat near my place or in the city (I hinted he could come over afterwards). He decided the city because he wanted to save on gas. So we had dinner there, where he insisted on paying for the check (saving on gas?) We had a nice walk along the water, and a good time overall. About a week later, we met again for drinks. This time I was more direct about him coming over afterwards, and he immediately made an excuse for time and suggested we hang out again this weekend for dinner and a movie in theaters. After a moment of silence, he kind of laughs nervously and says, "I'm sorry." I just shake my head and laugh that it wasn't a big deal.

I am a little confused why he keeps turning me down. Nothing has to happen, I'd just like to have his company outside of a public setting.

My guess for his behavior is:
1. He likes me, but he's nervous about being alone with me.
2. He's seeing other guys, and he's worried making a decision on one will close his options.

I'm actually pretty cool with the whole situation. It makes me feel relieved that he's not jumping into this to find a fast boyfriend. He can take all the time he needs to figure out what he wants from me.

 

[Corny]

2. He's seeing other guys, and he's worried making a decision on one will close his options.

out of my experience .. that. I don't see something particularly wrong with that as long as you are not leading anybody on.


or .. number 3 .. he is someone who has a difficult time with saying "no" .. he likes you but he really wants to take it slow. he just can't say it like that.

imho .. that would be a good thing while i hate guys who can't say "no", there are far too many guys who are happy to rush it when getting to know a new guy.

 

[Kyanimal]

Update:

I am a little confused why he keeps turning me down. Nothing has to happen, I'd just like to have his company outside of a public setting.

My guess for his behavior is:
1. He likes me, but he's nervous about being alone with me.
2. He's seeing other guys, and he's worried making a decision on one will close his options.

I'm actually pretty cool with the whole situation. It makes me feel relieved that he's not jumping into this to find a fast boyfriend. He can take all the time he needs to figure out what he wants from me.

That's all really sweet, and I'm quite Happy to hear that you two are still managing to get together.

There might be another reason for his reluctance to go to your place, though, and that's why I bolded the red when I quoted you. Is HE absolutely clear on that point? It could be just "jitters" ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz