Hey guys, I was hoping you could give me some advice. I'm going to start by saying that I'm 20 years old and have never been in a relationship before. I was on adam4adam the other day and I met this guy. We messaged for a little bit and he seemed pretty cool so we started to text. This guy is 36. I've met with guys who are around that age before so it wasn't anything new to me. Today when we were texting, this guy asked if I would date someone who was so much older than me. I said that I didn't know. Which is true because I didn't. I said that I would hang out and probably be a fwb but wasn't sure about dating. I don't think this was the response he was wanting because he just said 'oh'. I told him that we could hang out but he said that he wants more. I told him that if we hung out I'd be able to see about something more. He hasn't responded back to this text. I don't know what to do. I feel that if me and him get along well that it could lead to something more. I'm also afraid of what my parents and friends would think of me dating someone so much older. What should I do?
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Needing Some Help
- Thread starter accord98
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borg69unimatrix
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You should do what you feel is right for YOU.
Don't live your life by how you think your friends and parents want you to live.
I see your point about wanting to get to know him, but along the same lines if he's ok to hang out with and Fuck, he should be ok to date/ be in a relationship with. Anything you're willing to do with him short term you should be willing to do long term.
How would you feel if he told you at your age, you're ok to Fuck, but too young to be in a relationship with?
Don't live your life by how you think your friends and parents want you to live.
I see your point about wanting to get to know him, but along the same lines if he's ok to hang out with and Fuck, he should be ok to date/ be in a relationship with. Anything you're willing to do with him short term you should be willing to do long term.
How would you feel if he told you at your age, you're ok to Fuck, but too young to be in a relationship with?
I think I would understand where he is coming from if he said I was too young.
And I know that I shouldn't care what other people think as long as I'm happy but the parents still pay for school so their opinion still kinda matters.
I always pictured myself dating someone around my age so I think I'm having more of a problem of letting that go than his age is.
And I know that I shouldn't care what other people think as long as I'm happy but the parents still pay for school so their opinion still kinda matters.
I always pictured myself dating someone around my age so I think I'm having more of a problem of letting that go than his age is.
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accord98 said:
Dating? You haven't even met him yet!
Don't make this more complicated than it is. You don't have to pick out china patterns for your wedding yet.
Until you meet him, all of this speculation about age and your parents is just analysis-paralysis. Meet for coffee or lunch and go from there... one step at a time.
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If he can't handle your honesty he's not bf material. Your answer made sense to me. There is such a thing as emotional blackmail and I'd say he's prone to it because of the way he's responded. I don't know about anyone else, but I think age is an issue, not necessarily a deal breaker, but an issue nonetheless. You do too, obviously, and the only way to overcome that is meeting up and eventually falling in love. This guy seems to have run out of patience and wants some assurance that you'll fall for him. I wonder what kind if scene he'd cause if you told him that you theoretically could be with someone 14 years older, began dating and then decided he wasn't the right guy for you.
Love has a way of conquering any number of inner voice issues. I'm glad you have the guts to admit what yours is telling you. You could work to actively change it, but you don't have to. As someone who has been with my husband (who's 8 years younger than I) for 30 years and who's son-in-law is 10 years older than my daughter, the advice I give people regarding second thoughts is to go with gut feelings because often it is more difficult to end a relationship than it is to begin one.
Best wishes to you.
Love has a way of conquering any number of inner voice issues. I'm glad you have the guts to admit what yours is telling you. You could work to actively change it, but you don't have to. As someone who has been with my husband (who's 8 years younger than I) for 30 years and who's son-in-law is 10 years older than my daughter, the advice I give people regarding second thoughts is to go with gut feelings because often it is more difficult to end a relationship than it is to begin one.
Best wishes to you.
You're only 20. Relax. If you like him, go out with him, get to know him. If you don't like him, call it off. If you like him enough to see him again, then see him again.
Only do what you are comfortable doing. Don't be pressured to do what you don't want to do. You mentioned you're only comfortable doing a friends with benefits kind of a situation, then, spell that out clearly for him. He's pursuing you because it's apparent that he likes you or has a crush on you. Understandable. Who wouldn't be attracted to a good looking 20 something? It's just human nature, give him a break.
Also, as KaraBulut said, you haven't even met him yet. Analysis-paralysis. Don't over analyze. Just go with it and see him in a public place or somewhere neutral. You can go forward from there. If you don't like it, stop. When in doubt, don't. And listen to your gut instinct. Plus don't let this incident stop you from meeting other guys your age.
I know what you mean about parental oversight. I get it. One way to overcome it is become more self-sufficient. Get a job to get your own place. Finish school - that's very important. After that, establish yourself and be independent; that way you are less influenced by outside forces.
You're young. You'll make several mistakes along the way. Just don't make stupid mistakes that would ruin your future.
Study hard and finish school. Get a job. Save. NEVER do drugs. Don't smoke. Don't drink too much. Don't hang out with the wrong people (you're not a child anymore, you should be able to tell the difference). Carry yourself with good manners always. Did I miss anything? There is nothing I have said here that any good loving parent wouldn't say.
Oh, before I forget, practice safe sex, get tested regularly, gather friends that will value you as a person without prejudice. And one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is: Never go drinking or do drugs when you have a problem (NEVER DO DRUGS AT ALL!) - that has NEVER solved any problems, only makes it worse. A better tactic would be to step back, take some time off to think about it or ask people (like people here, your parents, and friends) how to solve it. If you make a mistake, admit it, fix it, and move on.
I probably sound like your parents because people like me would like to see you happy without you having to go through the mistakes we have done in the past.
Good luck.
Only do what you are comfortable doing. Don't be pressured to do what you don't want to do. You mentioned you're only comfortable doing a friends with benefits kind of a situation, then, spell that out clearly for him. He's pursuing you because it's apparent that he likes you or has a crush on you. Understandable. Who wouldn't be attracted to a good looking 20 something? It's just human nature, give him a break.
Also, as KaraBulut said, you haven't even met him yet. Analysis-paralysis. Don't over analyze. Just go with it and see him in a public place or somewhere neutral. You can go forward from there. If you don't like it, stop. When in doubt, don't. And listen to your gut instinct. Plus don't let this incident stop you from meeting other guys your age.
I know what you mean about parental oversight. I get it. One way to overcome it is become more self-sufficient. Get a job to get your own place. Finish school - that's very important. After that, establish yourself and be independent; that way you are less influenced by outside forces.
You're young. You'll make several mistakes along the way. Just don't make stupid mistakes that would ruin your future.
Study hard and finish school. Get a job. Save. NEVER do drugs. Don't smoke. Don't drink too much. Don't hang out with the wrong people (you're not a child anymore, you should be able to tell the difference). Carry yourself with good manners always. Did I miss anything? There is nothing I have said here that any good loving parent wouldn't say.
Oh, before I forget, practice safe sex, get tested regularly, gather friends that will value you as a person without prejudice. And one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is: Never go drinking or do drugs when you have a problem (NEVER DO DRUGS AT ALL!) - that has NEVER solved any problems, only makes it worse. A better tactic would be to step back, take some time off to think about it or ask people (like people here, your parents, and friends) how to solve it. If you make a mistake, admit it, fix it, and move on.
I probably sound like your parents because people like me would like to see you happy without you having to go through the mistakes we have done in the past.
Good luck.
Thanks guys this has been very helpful! We've only been talking for a few days and we have never met so I don't really know this guy. If he didn't like that I gave him an honest answer than I guess it saved me a lot of time. He has yet to respond to me saying that if we hang out it could lead to more. I guess the ball is in his court. I'm starting to fell like I couldn't care less if he talks to me again. I guess there will always be other fish in the sea.
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Absolutely, my friend. We all have issues, which doesn't necessarily make us good or bad, but definitely complicated. Follow your heart paying attention to any red flags. Don't loose your instinct to be honest. It will save you in ways you'll never know.
You got that right. There always WILL be other fish the sea
"You're gonna need a bigger boat." - Jaws
