Nerves: Seeking Advice...

[Adhesion]

So, yeah, I'm needing some advice.

How do you get over the nerves to be with someone for the first time?

I'm 29, and a virgin of all sorts. And I'm incredibly nervous.

The other day, I met a guy and he was really into me, and wanted to have some fun, but I couldn't get past the nerves to do anything--I couldn't even kiss him like he was begging me to do. But I don't know what was keeping me from acting. I've known I'm attracted to guys since my teens, but I've never acted on it and always considered myself "straight." Hell, it was just last month that I decided to start acting on my interests in guys, and told two of my best friends that I like dudes (no one else I know knows).

So I don't know if it's the nerves of finally coming to terms with who I am, or if it's something else (like maybe I wasn't attracted to the guy? He was kinda cute, but didn't overly excite me) that's stopping me.

Anyhow... How did you get over the first time nerves?

 

[hylas]

youve only been "properly" gay for a month after nearly 20 years of denial. take it slow and cut yourself some slack.

what are you afraid of, anyway? i know many guys are afraid of rejection, but in your case, that didnt seem to be a problem.

 

[Adhesion]

youve only been "properly" gay for a month after nearly 20 years of denial. take it slow and cut yourself some slack.

what are you afraid of, anyway? i know many guys are afraid of rejection, but in your case, that didnt seem to be a problem.

I think I may be subconsciously afraid to go that extra step into admitting that I am. And it's nerve-wracking. Cause I want to, but I couldn't force myself to tell the guy yes, or even kiss him. I just nervously told him no, and kept rejecting him.

And, of course, I've not seen or heard from the guy since. Not that I blame him.

 

[Seasoned]

Some guys seem to be able to do it with anyone, but my guess is that most can't or won't. Perhaps you need someone more aggressive your first time, but, if I were you, I'd reconsider the guy you turned down. He seems very interested and respectful. I bet if you told him you were new at it he'd make love rather than just get off.

 

[Adhesion]

Some guys seem to be able to do it with anyone, but my guess is that most can't or won't. Perhaps you need someone more aggressive your first time, but, if I were you, I'd reconsider the guy you turned down. He seems very interested and respectful. I bet if you told him you were new at it he'd make love rather than just get off.

I had told him that I was new-gay. And I've tried to reach out to him since, but he's been ignoring me. But like I said, I don't blame him. He tried for a good two hours to get me to say yes, and a half hour after that to kiss him.

Nerves suck.

 

[bankside]

What I told my guy was I preferred the idea of a relationship to grow naturally, pacing ourselves. He agreed. That meant I could make out with him which made my knees weak anyway, without the pressure of going any further. When we got comfortable with that, we thought about taking it further and we did, and so on...

The alternative would be to be nervous, go through with it anyway, and have disappointing nervous sex before you're ready. If you go through enough guys like that then probably people get the hang of it, but I preferred to learn with my guy and get comfortable with him along the way.

LOL. It takes two hours for me to take interest in someone at a party. Maybe my guy just has more patience than average...but... I've waited longer than two hours to see my doctor, so maybe this guy you mention has less patience than average...much much less...

 

[Adhesion]

What I told my guy was I preferred the idea of a relationship to grow naturally, pacing ourselves. He agreed. That meant I could make out with him which made my knees weak anyway, without the pressure of going any further. When we got comfortable with that, we thought about taking it further and we did, and so on...

The alternative would be to be nervous, go through with it anyway, and have disappointing nervous sex before you're ready. If you go through enough guys like that then probably people get the hang of it, but I preferred to learn with my guy and get comfortable with him along the way.

LOL. It takes two hours for me to take interest in someone at a party. Maybe my guy just has more patience than average...but... I've waited longer than two hours to see my doctor, so maybe this guy you mention has less patience than average...much much less...

Heh, it seemed like a really long two hours at the time. I ended up leaving because it started getting awkward and uncomfortable, especially at the end when he was begging to be kissed.

Taking it easy like you did would be preferable to me--just easing into it. But, if I could have gotten past the nerves I would have enjoyed the wham-bam right there. Maybe my nerves were just telling me it was wrong for me.

 

[bankside]

Yeah, well I guess deciding what you want would make a difference. I wanted the full meal deal, relationship and everything, which I have with my guy. But the nice part about being guys is that sometimes we can just fuck each other and enjoy the wham-bam aspect of things. (and yes I know there are some women like this too so if the women are reading I know you exist)

I wanted to have a relationship where we could just fuck for the pleasure of it, but I wanted it to be with someone who could make me laugh, who I wanted to spend time with, build a future with and all that... and I wanted all of those things strongly enough that it was worth waiting for.

Anyway, whatever you're looking for you can figure it out slowly. I didn't figure all that out in one evening. And when you're ready for more it will seem right, so just be up front with guys (or this guy) about what you know you want, and don't know, and I'm sure it will work out.

 

[altlover85]

Adhesion, how did you meet this guy? What was the purpose of the visit? It would help me (and possibly others) understand the situation better.

 

[Adhesion]

Adhesion, how did you meet this guy? What was the purpose of the visit? It would help me (and possibly others) understand the situation better.

Met him in a club. So, he was a near total stranger. We exchanged emails the first time, second night is when the two hour gauntlet happened. Haven't been back to the club yet, considering going next weekend. That's going to be awkward if he's there.

 

[Georgiadude]

I may be the only 1 but I get the feeling he was just looking for some action. If he were truly interested in being with you he would understand and not be ignoring you now. I understand him being disappointed but if he were interested in a relationship he would have answered back and tried to talk about it. He sounds like he was looking for some ass, got shot down and has given up on a "lost cause".

My advice on the nerves. Find someone that you really care about and that cares about you. Someone that won't mind taking things slow and at your comfort level. When the relationship feels right the nerves will take care of themselves. something was telling you this situation wasn't right. Listen to that little voice. It's usually spot on.

Steven.

 

[hylas]

forget about that guy. i mean, it would have been nice if it had worked out, i think spontaneous hookups can be nice and even lead to serious relationships. but a) that ship has sailed, no one with self-respect would come back after being rejected like that, and b) he kinda sounds a little useless, anyway. "begging to be kissed"? come on. thats a red flag right there.

better luck next time, and again, dont beat yourself up. if you need to take it slow, you can communicate that, too.

 

[Adhesion]

Yeah, I'm not really worried or going, "OMG, come back!" about the dude.

I'm just trying to find out how to understand my nerves and temper it so I'm not freaked out or wanting to flee every time a guy comes onto me. Taking it slow is probably going to be the only way, even though I really want to .

I appreciate the advice.

 

[Hot White Trash]

I bet if you found someone equally inexperienced you would feel comfortable. Then you both might share the same anxiety and not be scared away by it. Being nervous is normal for any new experience.

 

[crowboy]

What I told my guy was I preferred the idea of a relationship to grow naturally, pacing ourselves. He agreed. That meant I could make out with him which made my knees weak anyway, without the pressure of going any further. When we got comfortable with that, we thought about taking it further and we did, and so on...

Sounds a lot like my experience, not that long ago.

I may be the only 1 but I get the feeling he was just looking for some action. If he were truly interested in being with you he would understand and not be ignoring you now. I understand him being disappointed but if he were interested in a relationship he would have answered back and tried to talk about it. He sounds like he was looking for some ass, got shot down and has given up on a "lost cause".

My advice on the nerves. Find someone that you really care about and that cares about you. Someone that won't mind taking things slow and at your comfort level. When the relationship feels right the nerves will take care of themselves. something was telling you this situation wasn't right. Listen to that little voice. It's usually spot on.

Steven.

Great advice.

I'm just trying to find out how to understand my nerves and temper it so I'm not freaked out or wanting to flee every time a guy comes onto me. Taking it slow is probably going to be the only way, even though I really want to .

I appreciate the advice.

You are on the right track. Trying to understand yourself is a great idea to assist yourself to progress. I believe you will get there mate. I will tell you a little (as brief as I can lol) about my situation.

I came out 10 months ago after over 20 years of ignoring, but not denying who I really was. It took a few months before I got the courage to start to meet people as "friends".

I used an online service to meet people as I did not have the guts to go to a gay bar/club. I knew I had to do something so online seemed the best option for me. I met a few guys and I was always very upfront. I only met "as friends" and I was not up for more and I had not done any more. I believed total honesty was the best way for me.

After meeting a few guys I eventually met a sweet guy my age and we hit it off. He knew of my inexperience and applied no pressure to me at all and said things would be at my pace.

One night at the movies he reached out and held my hand. It was a wonderful feeling and I'll never forget it. I was so excited, and at the end of the evening I wish he kissed me, but he did not. I texted him later and told him that and he said he wanted to but out of respect for me he did not want to push things. I then gave him the go ahead and next we met I had my first kiss. This was only 5 months ago. From kiss we progressed and he ended up being my first (sex). I am so pleased it was with a sweet guy who treated me with respect. I was nervous as hell but he was wonderful and patient. I giggled a lot out of nervousness, and things may not have gone to plan the first time because of my nerves, but in the end it did happen with a great guy. Ultimately we agreed to be friends and we moved on.

Since him however I gained some confidence and continued to meet guys. Had sex with a few, then I met the man I love. We have been together for 3 months now and I am so happy. He is a another sweet guy who is patient with me and knows of my inexperience and never holds that against me. I still get nervous just being naked in front of him, but my nerves are subsiding.

Your nerves will subside too mate. Just remember you are not the only one out there who feels this way. Be honest with others to enable them to help you and understand you. Your inexperience and nerves is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't be pressured into someting you do not want. Don't rush, and enjoy the ride.

 

[Adhesion]

You are on the right track. Trying to understand yourself is a great idea to assist yourself to progress. I believe you will get there mate. I will tell you a little (as brief as I can lol) about my situation.

I came out 10 months ago after over 20 years of ignoring, but not denying who I really was. It took a few months before I got the courage to start to meet people as "friends".

I used an online service to meet people as I did not have the guts to go to a gay bar/club. I knew I had to do something so online seemed the best option for me. I met a few guys and I was always very upfront. I only met "as friends" and I was not up for more and I had not done any more. I believed total honesty was the best way for me.

After meeting a few guys I eventually met a sweet guy my age and we hit it off. He knew of my inexperience and applied no pressure to me at all and said things would be at my pace.

One night at the movies he reached out and held my hand. It was a wonderful feeling and I'll never forget it. I was so excited, and at the end of the evening I wish he kissed me, but he did not. I texted him later and told him that and he said he wanted to but out of respect for me he did not want to push things. I then gave him the go ahead and next we met I had my first kiss. This was only 5 months ago. From kiss we progressed and he ended up being my first (sex). I am so pleased it was with a sweet guy who treated me with respect. I was nervous as hell but he was wonderful and patient. I giggled a lot out of nervousness, and things may not have gone to plan the first time because of my nerves, but in the end it did happen with a great guy. Ultimately we agreed to be friends and we moved on.

Since him however I gained some confidence and continued to meet guys. Had sex with a few, then I met the man I love. We have been together for 3 months now and I am so happy. He is a another sweet guy who is patient with me and knows of my inexperience and never holds that against me. I still get nervous just being naked in front of him, but my nerves are subsiding.

Your nerves will subside too mate. Just remember you are not the only one out there who feels this way. Be honest with others to enable them to help you and understand you. Your inexperience and nerves is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't be pressured into someting you do not want. Don't rush, and enjoy the ride.

Wow.

I love your story! And I'd like to buy that experience, please.

The more I think about it, and I've thought a lot on it last night after I started this thread, that's what's going to have to happen. Yes, I may be impatient and would like to be with a guy now, but that impatience is not coming from the right head. Which is where the conflict, confusion, and nerves are happening... the correct head is telling me I need to go slow. So, that's what I'll do.

<3 Thanks so much for your story and advice. It's helped me a lot.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, a couple of things, a guy begging to be kissed is a turn off for me, and I've been gay for years.

Second, the first time a guy hit on me, I nearly hit him. Why, because acting on all those feelings you have destroys the hypothetical, it's proof.

You're not really even out, and I suspect that what's going on in your head has a large degree of fear in it.

You're not going to be OK with this in real life until you're OK with this in your head.

So, how do you get there? Well, different guys, different strategies.

The thing to remember here is that it's not about the other guy - well so long as you aren't choosing guys that will subconsciously sabotage you. and even that's pretty much about you.

You might start with dealing with your own ambivalence about yourself. How do you really feel about being gay? Does the prospect of being openly gay scare you? Encourage you? What?

Start with yourself, the guys can wait a bit, if you are doing what you posted, you're not ready yet. You'll know you're ready when you stop running.

 

[Adhesion]

OK, a couple of things, a guy begging to be kissed is a turn off for me, and I've been gay for years.

Yeah, it was to me, too. Which is why I ended up leaving because it was becoming awkward and very uncomfortable.

Second, the first time a guy hit on me, I nearly hit him. Why, because acting on all those feelings you have destroys the hypothetical, it's proof.

You're not really even out, and I suspect that what's going on in your head has a large degree of fear in it.

You're not going to be OK with this in real life until you're OK with this in your head.

Wow. I didn't have the strong reaction to hit the guy, just a really strong reaction to run the hell away. Same basic principle, though.

So, how do you get there? Well, different guys, different strategies.

The thing to remember here is that it's not about the other guy - well so long as you aren't choosing guys that will subconsciously sabotage you. and even that's pretty much about you.

You might start with dealing with your own ambivalence about yourself. How do you really feel about being gay? Does the prospect of being openly gay scare you? Encourage you? What?

I know that I'm not comfortable with being gay yet, and that is a big part of the problem. I like guys, I watch gay porn, I even casually glance at guys when I'm out (har!) and about. But I'm such a closet case. Hell, I was crying when I told my first friend last month that I liked guys. She told me that she kind of figured I was sometime back but never said anything, she just kept dropping hints to me that it's okay to tell her. The second friend was easier to tell--and both have been supportive.

And yes, the prospect of being openly gay does scare me to some degree--as you said, it would be proof not just a hypothetical anymore. I come from a very Conservative family (not religious at all, mind you, just Conservative), and I'm deathly afraid of them finding out right now because I don't know how they'd react. When I was a teen, my parents found gay porn on my computer once. I blamed viruses and maleware, and it's never been talked about since (because I got good at hiding and deleting traces ). They think I'm straight, though. They think I go to some crappy bar uptown every week, when I'm going downtown to the gay club, and keep trying to give me advice and tips on how to talk to women.

Start with yourself, the guys can wait a bit, if you are doing what you posted, you're not ready yet. You'll know you're ready when you stop running.

You're right. I've probably thrown myself into this far faster than I should have out of being eager but not really ready. It was at my friend's suggestion that I go to the gay club, because I've been wanting to make some local friends (worked telecommute from my house for the past 9 years, all my friends / work people are in other states). I just need to slow down and get comfortable with myself.

 

[altlover85]

If you enjoyed yourself at the club, I would continue to go to it.

Are there any LGBT community centers around you?

 

[Adhesion]

If you enjoyed yourself at the club, I would continue to go to it.

Are there any LGBT community centers around you?

I do enjoy the club. Have met and talked to on a regular basis some good guys and it's fun.

No, no community centers. Just two gay bars/clubs (the one I visit, and another one that is more bar than club).