New boyfriend feeling insecure

[TomahawkEagle]

I've recently started going out with an 18 year old guy for about 4 weeks now. At first we seemed to be a good fit for eachother. He's studying at uni and I'm working full time.

This is my very first relationship (yes at age 30). And for my bf, it's his first gay relationship though he's had gfs before.

At first I was happy that I've found someone though we do have differences in terms of politics. He swings to the right and I more for the left though not as far as socialism and communism. That's not a problem in itself because we don't talk about politics.

Here's the problem. Lately he's been saying that I'm "very vague" when he talks to me and I seem to be hiding something. When he asks me to stay for the night, I say I can't because I need to go to work the following morning (being a Monday). When he want to jump into the shower with my, I say that I don't have my towel with me and he only had little ones which are not adequate. (Just a note that I did have my towel the previous week I fooled around with him though didn't use it).

Now my bf feels that I'm hiding something and I'm cheating on him or have some other "motive". Do these sort of insecure feelings happen often. I certainly am not hiding anything and if things were to go open, it would be discussed first.

 

[KaraBulut]

Now my bf feels that I'm hiding something and I'm cheating on him or have some other "motive". Do these sort of insecure feelings happen often. I certainly am not hiding anything and if things were to go open, it would be discussed first.

You are from different generations. His generation is used to seeing gay and lesbian people treated without prejudice. Your generation was still a bit more reserved.

An 18 year old who is new to sex and the freedom of taking a shower with a guy sees jumping in the shower together as a spontaneous show of lust. He doesn't understand why you would worry about a towel when you have the prospect of having a hot 18 year old naked body as a shower toy.

Add to this the difference in your ages and the differences between being an employed 30 year old versus being a fresh-out-of-high-school 18 year old, and you can see why a lot of these younger-older relationships can be a challenge.

The only way to respond to these kinds of accusations is with a question. "Why do you think I'm hiding something?", "What do you feel like I'm hiding?".

And perhaps you should give some thought to things that you can do to be a little more "in to the moment", spontaneous and demonstrative. That's probably what the real issue is.

 

[Horschallen]

Try agreeing to disagree with him on politics. Jump into the shower, even if all he had were small ones. Pack an overnight and keep it in car all times for those unexpected nights. Eat whatever food he prepared out of the box. Appreciate his friends. Just appreciate him for who he is and let him grow at his pace. He is a young man, after all.

I once dated someone 20 years younger than me for four months, and I eventually learned to accept him rather than try to change him. There were times when he accused me of being too parent-like with him. Enjoy your time with him and try not to overwhelm him with your experience, cultivated tastes, etc.

 

[HunterM]

If you want to keep this relationship, don't let petty little things get in the way for both of you spending time together.

When he asks me to stay for the night, I say I can't because I need to go to work the following morning (being a Monday).

What does working on a Monday have to do with spending a night together? Let's say the relationship is going so well that you both moved in and live together...and sleeping on the same bed as a couple. Would you still be giving him the same excuse that you can't sleep with him on Sunday night because you have to go to work on a Monday?

Next time, tell him, "Sure, I'm staying for the night. But I have to get up early in the morning to go back to my place to change before going to work." Or pack an extra set of toothbrush, toothpaste or toilettry with you and leave it in his place so you can spend the night at his place.

When he want to jump into the shower with my, I say that I don't have my towel with me and he only had little ones which are not adequate. (Just a note that I did have my towel the previous week I fooled around with him though didn't use it).

If he has little towels, then use a bunch of them to substitude with your personal large towel to dry yourself and him off. Improvise. We're talking about just taking a shower together, right? This is not a do or die situation. It is a good thing that he finds you attractive...and wants to bond with you physically.

He's being open and spontaneous. If I were him, I would start feeling you're the one with insecurity issues.

 

[glorff]

Ask him if it is alright to leave a set of work clothes at his place "just in case". If it is then buy another alarm clock and a set of BIG towels and go with the flow. Spontaneity, flexibility and vigor are the best things when dealing someone that age. Just make sure he understands that you have responsibilities.

 

[anchihiro]

Maybe because he's young and spontaneous. You have been so used to doing all certain things by yourself that youre only looking at the practical side of things. Instead try throwing a bit more caution to the wind, it increases romance.

 

[Seasoned]

Oh, boy. The ageism expressed here is a bit much. The young are spontaneous and the older are not? Believe me these are not age related differences; these are style and personality differences. Youth doesn't have the market on spontaneity. He is not suddenly going to change when he turns 30.

People have survived age differences and people have survived personality and style differences. The question is connection. What are your connections? Towels are not the issue when it comes to showering together, so find out what the real objection is. Is his housekeeping not up to your standards? Do you have a good body image of yourself.

Anything can factor in when it comes to incompatibility, but the reverse is also true. The intangible connection element is what is essential. That why my partner and I have been together for 28 years on Wednesday with an 8 year difference. We argue about lots of things but we are emotionally and spiritually connected.

Concentrate on your connectivity. Age is a factor only if you allow it to be one. Compromise is the key, but it needs to come from both of you. If the issue was towels you would have bought some new ones by now.

 

[RavenCWG]

I've recently started going out with an 18 year old guy for about 4 weeks now. At first we seemed to be a good fit for eachother. He's studying at uni and I'm working full time.

This is my very first relationship (yes at age 30). And for my bf, it's his first gay relationship though he's had gfs before.

At first I was happy that I've found someone though we do have differences in terms of politics. He swings to the right and I more for the left though not as far as socialism and communism. That's not a problem in itself because we don't talk about politics.

Here's the problem. Lately he's been saying that I'm "very vague" when he talks to me and I seem to be hiding something. When he asks me to stay for the night, I say I can't because I need to go to work the following morning (being a Monday). When he want to jump into the shower with my, I say that I don't have my towel with me and he only had little ones which are not adequate. (Just a note that I did have my towel the previous week I fooled around with him though didn't use it).

Now my bf feels that I'm hiding something and I'm cheating on him or have some other "motive". Do these sort of insecure feelings happen often. I certainly am not hiding anything and if things were to go open, it would be discussed first.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I can, just from the little bit you wrote, tell WHY he’s feeling insecure about the way you respond to him and about you guys’ relationship. I think I would be feeling about the same way.

You start off mentioning how you two have different political views, but that it doesn’t matter because you don’t talk about it. Well, obviously it does matter or you wouldn’t have brought it up. Furthremore, I suspect that is not the only uncomfortable subject(s) you avoid talking to him about.

Second, it sounds to me like he is trying really hard to show you that he likes you and wants to spend time with you and to be close to you, but you keep coming up with excuses why you “can’t” do things, which only makes you sound like you are either not interested in him or, as he supposes, that you are instead interested in someone else.

-- “When he asks me to stay for the night, I say I can't …”
-- “When he want to jump into the shower with me, I say that I don't have my towel…”

You may have what you deem to be justifiable reasons for not wanting to do those things right at those moments; but to him, I’m sure they sound like pretty lame excuses, and a sign that you simply aren’t all that into him. I can’t imagine why he would be feeling insecure.

You say that this is your first ever relationship, and maybe that is the problem. You’ve wanted a bf for so long, but now that you have one, and the newness has worn off, you lack the experience to truly know what it means to BE in a relationship, or what it takes to build or maintain that relationship. You are use to living your life and doing things your way…the way you have always done them. Now suddenly you have someone else who wants to be part of your life; but he doesn’t want to be just some small a piece of your life, like some “activity” you do when it fits into your schedule and doesn’t interfere with your statis quo. He wants to feel special. He needs to know that he is important to you, and that you value your relationship with him. Being in a relationship means being willing to do something different, to make yourself vulnerable, to step outside your comfort zone, and to sometimes be willing to put the other person, and his needs and desires ahead of your own. That does not mean that you have to give up everything that makes you, you, nor does it mean that you always have to do exclusively what he wants (he has to learn to take your feelings and needs into consideration too); but what you do have to do is to sit down and TALK with him about things, be open and transparent, find out what each other’s needs and expectations are, and where necessary set some appropriate boundaries.

I apologize if my reaction to your question seems a bit harsh. It’s just that you have managed to get the one thing that I so desperately want—the attention an affection of a young 18 y/o guy—and yet you don’t really seem (at least from the limited context of what you’ve written) to be appreciating him or his attempts to be close to you. If I were in your position I would be doing everything in my power to make sure he knew just how much he meant to me and to ensure that he felt comfortable, happy, and secure in our relationship. If anything, I fear that I would go too far the other direction, and smother him with way too much attention (which I fully admit is not a good thing either).

 

[maxpowr9]

my ex used to pull that card with me a bit and it always annoyed me. he had no problems sleeping over at my place when I had to work the next morning, but when the situation was reversed and he had work, I was out on my ass at 11 pm (even though I assured him that I really had no problem with having to wake up at the butt crack of dawn even on my day off)

Yah I've been in those situations before too and that is a tell-tale sign of an immanent breakup.
Honestly it sounds like he is deeply insecure and you lesser so. The sleeping together on a work/school night is tough and I personally wouldn't hold it against you. If he can't really respect your "boundary", that is his problem then. I don't like having guests over on work nights past a respectable hour (11pm usually). Of course the major problem is I have a dog and a cat and they get too excited when I have guests which in turn keep me up.

As for the shower/towel thing, that is your problem. If you can't share your personal items (except a toothbrush) and you consider each other boyfriends, I don't care if you use a facecloth to dry yourself, that is a poor excuse to get out of an intimate moment.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Thanks guys for the input. Guess one issue that I have to deal with is that it's my first relationship with either a guy or girl.

Looks like insecurity is an issue. We were going out on Sunday (as I mentioned in my first post) and I was asked if I had plans on Tuesday night. I said I was going out to dinner with some friends after work.

On the Tuesday afternoon, I get a message from him asking if I was interested in meeting up with him and his friends. Here's the problem, my phone was on silent mode and tucked in my backpack at work. As work is being a real bitch lately, I had to stay back until 7:30PM and was meeting up with my mates at 8PM nearby. I was in a hurry so grabbed my stuff and dashed out the door at the office. When I went to grab my phone out of my backpack at 9PM, I realised that my phone was on silent and there were 12 missed calls from my bf's number and a few from another phone number that I don't recognise. I immediately tried calling back with no luck so I sent an SMS thanking him for the invite and that I already had plans for the night. Even hoped the guys had fun too.

When I get home just about to tuck into bed, at 11:30PM, my bf calls. He clearly sounded drunk and kept on asking why I didn't pick up the call, what was I doing over the weekend and whether I had plans the next night. He kept repeating things and got upset when I couldn't tell when he was joking about things during the conversation.

One thing I didn't like about that late night phone call was that he called asking me to come over to his place because he wanted to fuck me. Mind you I wouldn't mind a fuck but the way the situation was mapped out it looked like he was only after the sex and I don't like that. Also didn't like the way he was talking to me. When I said I was too tired to travel, he then goes on asking if he should look for another boyfriend.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thanks guys for the input. Guess one issue that I have to deal with is that it's my first relationship with either a guy or girl.

If he's 18, he probably doesn't have that much experience either.

And he's making the kind of mistakes that inexperienced guys make- selfishness, obsessive calling, dialing while intoxicated, drama queen kinds of mistakes.

Hopefully, things will work out and the two of you will communicate better but from the sound of things, the prospects for the future don't look good.

 

[maxpowr9]

If he's 18, he probably doesn't have that much experience either.

And he's making the kind of mistakes that inexperienced guys make- selfishness, obsessive calling, dialing while intoxicated, drama queen kinds of mistakes.

Hopefully, things will work out and the two of you will communicate better but from the sound of things, the prospects for the future don't look good.

I would somewhat like to agree but the obsessive calling is a sign of a breakup. Even at 18, you wouldn't call your friends 12x unless you were facing death in the face. No different for a BF. I can chalk it up to inexperience but it is a lesson he has to learn one way or another.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Things have fallen apart....we didn't "break up" but my now ex-bf ran off back to another guy's place (again intoxicated) at a friend's birthday gathering in front of me and other guests who know us.

And I can't blame the guy my ex-bf ran off with because he didn't know the guy he was hitting on was attached.

Not going to cry but feeling angry, frustrated and relieved that I don't need to have "the talk".

Next time I come across a potential partner, think I'll stick to someone closer to my age.

 

[navigaytion]

Next time I come across a potential partner, think I'll stick to someone closer to my age.

That is probably the most important lesson you could learn from this. Often, too many older guys don't, so good on you .