I have been quietly lurking in the background for some time and haven’t really felt comfortable dispensing advice and up till now didn’t have a question or a smart ass comment to post. Now, I am posting a problem as I have no place else to turn or go – that is without costing me an arm and a leg. Sorry but this post will be long – I know the length as I wrote it out first.
Background on me. I am 44, gay, not out to anyone yet I think and feel that many have a “feeling” about me. I live in a very small town in the backwoods of northern Wisconsin. There are no clubs, bars, spas, associations, gay groups, gay churches, etc near that don’t entail a minimum of a day’s drive and an overnight stay. My encounters with other guys to date have been sparse and all have been “quickies” and there haven’t ever been any feelings attached or recurrence of meetings. My gaydar is rather foggy and it usually tunes into things several years after the fact then it likes, “You should’ve had a V-8!” My first experience with another guy was my sophomore year in college.
A little more about me. I am the middle child of a family of 5, oldest of the second family as my sisters were 11 and 8 when I came along and have two brothers younger and we were all 18 months apart. My father was an alcoholic and kind of shiftless. My father was cold, uncaring, uneducated and in his alcoholic hazes was abusive as hell and damn near criminal. We kids got beat up, thrown around, hair pulled out and just plain ignored by him. My mother had a pot of chili thrown over her off the stove and a cement encased boot knocked over her head knocking her out and splitting her scalp. My sister had her head shoved through a wall and I had a ketchup bottle smashed down on my plate splattering ketchup, glass and food all over every one. Just because I was the seventh person to ask for ketchup when the meal was hot dogs and french fries. My mother is the strongest person that I have ever met and have ever known. She endured a lot. My mother finally had enough and got a divorce when I was 8. We were the first family in our community to get a divorce and the first Catholic family to do so. I don’t have a lot of memories of my father – good ones any ways – and I have a lot of my mother raising us kids and putting us through school and some of us through college. I do have a lot of memories of getting teased and beaten up by the others after the divorce. That soured me on relationships and friendships with others. I have never really wanted to get to close to anyone after getting burned by them. Years later a co-worker asked me why I had such a shell around me. Mother made sure we had access to further education if we wanted and my sister went into nursing and eventually more training to become a PA and I got a degree in education, taught, and then went into administration. I will come back to that part in a bit. My two younger brothers went into service and my other sister married and worked.
In a way I would describe my family as dysfunctional in the way we related to each other and did things. Most of us are loners and would rather be by ourselves and none of us really were too hip on the big family gatherings. That is except for my oldest sister who tries to bring everyone together. Feelings are not shared and view points on things are not discussed. All of my life I have felt so alone, so lonely, so unfulfilled. Sure I had some people to talk to, had activities to keep me busy and such but nothing that ran deep. Certainly nothing social in nature and nothing meaningful as far as my inner needs and wants. I worked every day and when not in school I was working weekends and summers for my family on the farm and during the school year was gone most nights either coaching or reffing. Keeping busy kept the mind off things I guess. Another thing is that I can look back at things and even now I notice and try to be conscious of it and that is depression. I will get into funks and just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be around people and don’t want to go out, don’t want to work even. Some of this is normal stuff I guess in everyone and probably to some extent more so in the gay community but the repeated times and frequency of occurrence is what I notice as not being normal. I just got over a bout of it that lasted about 2 weeks where I didn’t want to do anything and had stuff piling up around me.
Now I want to go back to the other point about my job that I left above and that is what these bouts with depression and the feeling of loneliness and being all alone in this world caused and that is that the internet became a lifeline for me in my search for happiness and that missing part of my being. The person that would make my life complete. About 10 years ago I fucked up my life, my career, my whole being using the internet at work in the evenings and the school tracked the usage and I was confronted on it. I lost my job, my dignity, my sense of being; I lost who I was and what I thought I was. I was humiliated, ashamed, and disgraced by it and I have been trying to rebuild the trust and my good name ever since.
I have since lost a sister to cancer in the spring of 2002 and a brother to suicide in 2003. Through my sisters short illness, I was the person that held the family together, took care of her, accompanied her to the doctor appointments and treatments and was the one who carried her out of her house the last time on the last trip to the hospital. It was me that she turned to when she wanted to talk and near the end when she wanted to talk about dying and what came after, it was me. Her funeral was left up to me to plan and take care of. Same is true of my brother. It was me that kept everyone going and again making all the arrangements and taking care of the legal part. Then in the winter of 2005 my father had problems, started a fire and has health issues. Who did he turn to for help? Me. After my brother died he decided that he wanted to be back in the family. So now I have responsibility over him too. In the fall of 2005 my mother got sick after a summer of running to the doctors and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Again, it has befallen me to be the primary caregiver to her and it has been me who has been there for every doctor test, every exam, the two surgeries, all the chemo and radiation and subsequent illness from them. I told someone a short time ago that I don’t have a life right now of my own as I am on autopilot for everyone else. I haven’t had any time away from this for three years. It is every day, every week, and every month. I wake up to it and go to sleep with it.
Sorry this is getting so long but when one is getting free counseling and the dime isn’t mine, I think you need to get a big view of things and see things in somewhat of a full perspective. Also, as you can see, I love to write. Now before I move to my question there is one final aspect of my being, of who I am and how I function that I think, I feel, I believe you need to know in order to put my problem, issue into focus. I know that some of you will discount this part, some will laugh, some will turn away, some will think I am certifiable, and a few of you will think about it. This has to do with connections with the other side, with the paranormal or just plain psychic. I am going to give you some background on it as it relates to me and then what happened which relates to my problem.
My brother was a deputy sheriff and was involved in an accident with his squad in May of 2003. I had done a ride along with him the night before. That night any way, I was tired from doing the ride along and working all day so I went to bed early, like just around 9 p.m. which is also the same time that he checked on. I had just fallen asleep when I saw two bright white lights flashing around the room and weaving. They appeared to be headlights and I got up and looked around outside as I was sure someone was in the yard or ditch. Nothing. I got back into bed and had just fallen asleep once again when I saw the flashing of red, white, and blue lights, emergency colors. Again I woke up and looked outside as I was sure there was something out there. Nothing. I went back to sleep and had a peaceful night and the next morning as I was sitting watching a little TV before church the phone rang to tell me that my brother had been in an accident with his squad when he went to swerve to miss an oncoming car in his lane on a crest of a hill and put his car through a ditch, over a culvert and up a set of guide wires. It had taken them about a half-hour to find him as his transmission was cut off and then it took them another hour or so to get him out of the car. My dream was at 9 p.m. and his accident was at 11 p.m.
That September, he came around for Labor Day and spent time at home. At the time we thought nothing of it but afterwards it all clicked. That Friday, my brother committed suicide and was found on Monday evening and we were notified by a knock on the door late that night when the Sheriff came to tell us what she found. Now, on that Friday night I had a dream that my brother was dead and that he had died of a gunshot wound. Also, in the dream, I was told what he wanted for his funeral and I used what I was told to plan his funeral with. We know about when he died from piecing things together afterwards and the phone calls he was making.
I could also talk about the angels that are around, the knock on the door at 5 a.m., the touch on my mothers shoulder at night, the radio being tuned to different stations, the microwave being unplugged and the smell of smoke inside and outside that I smell. That goes back to my fear of fires after our house burnt in 1970.
Then in 2004 or 2005, not sure of exactly when as I didn’t write the date down, but it was somewhere near the end of one or the start of the other as I was getting ready for bed, a very soft, peaceful, pleasing, soothing female voice says, “Sean, (no spelling given), 18-19 years old, from the area.” I go and write it down and wonder what it meant. I tuck the paper away for reference later.
The internet is still a big connection for me to the world outside and one night I was chatting on gay.com. I was talking with this fellow and we were talking about my interests and the fact that I was looking for a LTR and that my interests are in the younger guys. I have always felt that way and all the while I have been aging; my interests have remained with the younger guys. Every one has their flavor of tea. Any ways, he tells me about this site called Silver Daddies and after a couple weeks I go and check it out and sign up and create a profile. So I was on their in the chat room in early 2006 and I get a private chat. We start shooting the breeze and on the next session or shortly after, we move to Yahoo and we start talking and sharing about each other. Now, that very first time that we chatted, when he privated me, I had this most wonderful sensation come over me that I can only describe as being absolute peace and harmony. It felt as though the weight that had been on me had been removed. I describe it as a presence being there with me. So as we shoot the shit I find out that his name is Sean, that he is 18 and lives 2 hours south of me. I immediately look for my note on my desk and read it over to myself. As the year progresses, we chat more and talk about a lot of different stuff, we share about our families and our lives and stuff. When he privated me he told me that he was seeing, dating someone. I don’t know. We never did exchange phone information as he was uncomfortable sharing that with someone that you don’t know all that well and I fully understand that. The world can be a damn scary place and the internet is not the safest of places to be. I thought things were going well and he told me that he was looking for a LTR and wasn’t up for quickies and one nighters. I agreed with him. Then in August I got sick with the worse kidney stone attack and ended up in the hospital and had two surgeries to get rotor rooted out. I was just getting back on my feet after Labor Day when a friend had a stroke and I had to go into farming full time for him. Through this all the computer and the internet were the last thing I had time for. I farmed then until mid October when my mom got sick again and went in for surgery. Got back in November and we I got back online and we chatted again. In early December we actually exchanged phone numbers and called and talked for almost three hours that first night. Later that month I was going to be in his town to be with my niece for the day and that if he was free we could do lunch. It turns out he was in St. Louis with a family thing that weekend. I then got an email message from him telling me about his trip and then he says he isn’t sure about things and doesn’t think we will be anything more than friends. I was fine with that and ok with it, not exactly what I wanted to hear but we can’t dictate to others. I said I would do that and work with him on that. Conversations got shorter and longer apart. He wasn’t seeing anyone at the time nor was he in discussion with anyone, at least from what he told me.
So along about February I write him a letter after not hearing from him for over a month. It was a long one, like this one!! In it I told him how I felt about him, how I felt in my heart, how I cared about him, and wanted only for him to be happy. And that if he decided that we shouldn’t be friends any more then that is fine and that I would just move on and work on getting him out of my heart. He was a big part in my heart and I cared about him and thought about all the time and prayed for his well being and for guidance to come to him. I tried to be as straight forward as I could yet also to be kind and gentle and I thought I was being honest and that I was expressing love and care and not being spiteful or hurtful. I get a response back from him stating that he was hurt and didn’t understand and that he was sorry for being such a rotten friend and that he wished me well in my life. I didn’t want him to be hurt so I sent him a note apologizing for the letter and that I should have done a better job of explaining things and that if he wanted to be friends or whatever, and then I was still game. We started talking again and calling on the phone. I was going to be in town again for my niece, she goes to college there, and I said that if he had some time we could meet for some conversation and a lunch or whatever. I wasn’t looking to bed him and told him so. He tells me that he is leaving in a week for Vegas. I find out later in the summer that he is doing an internship with his brothers company there and would return again in the fall. We talked via an email message once all summer.
So this summer I get down again and after returning from Vermont in July I was resting during the day and dozed off. I awoke from a sleep in somewhat of a semi-sleep state. It wasn’t like I was awake yet I didn’t feel as though I was asleep. Any way, during this event, I was sleeping with my head on Sean’s chest and when I woke up I looked up and into his eyes and face and he was smiling at me. I smiled back and went back to sleep. That same day, but didn’t know it until the next day, I received a text message on my cell phone that stated, “Call your significant other.” It is so weird because there is no identification as to who sent it, no return number, and on my phone bill, the incoming text message doesn’t show up as ever being received, yet I have it saved on my phone. That same morning the radio came on for the alarm clock and the station was different. I listened and the station was from the town that Sean lives in. I looked at the dial and it was still set at 92 yet the station that was on the air and coming over the airwaves was 106. The next day everything was back to normal. Then this summer, one night as I lay in bed getting ready to fall asleep, that same female voice returns in the calm, soothing, peaceful and comforting tone and states, “He just needs time.” A couple weeks later it returns again and this times states, “He is the one but he has some things to work through.”
The other thing that has been happening to me and has been going on is also very weird and I can’t explain it other than that voice again saying “You will remain pure until.” Ever since I met Sean and started talking to him, I have not been able to establish any other contacts with anyone else. For example, if I go into a chat room on Silver Daddies or Gay.com, no one privates me any more, no one checks out my profile, and it is damn near impossible to get someone to respond back when I private with a hello or some other greeting. It is almost as if there is something blocking things. There have been a couple guys that I have talked to a couple times and now their profiles are gone, they don’t respond to emails, they don’t respond to messenger. It is almost as if they vanished. And also, being human and yeah I know I said I wasn’t looking for quickies, there are times in our lives when Rosie Palm and the Five Sisters just don’t quite work out and one does get horny and wants to get off a different way. It is just surprising that I can’t even get a quickie to happen and if I stop by the usual “cruise” spot, there is no one around and they were all well staffed!! It is almost like nothing can happen to me sexually with anyone else until what?
Sean is the youngest in a family of 7 of Catholic parents who are going through some difficulties and contemplating divorce. Many of his older siblings are married or have long-term friends working towards marriage. He did come out to his family last summer late when one of his brother’s wives made a remark about gays. His family accepts him fully. His family is also quite successful in life and business and one might just say they have that certain good luck charm or karma. I will also say that we have seen pictures and have also cammed and so we each know what the other looks like. The first several times we chatted I had no idea what he looked like other than what he described. The very first time I saw him I thought he was the most beautiful person alive. Now I am no prince charming and certainly far from the most of anything. He is beautiful but he won’t make the cover of GQ but then beauty is in the eye of the beholder and beauty is something that can be lost quickly but the beauty of ones soul can not ever be tarnished.
Now after all of that I get to where my problems and issues start. I don’t know if I am ready to hear what any of you think, feel or say, but I will promise that I will read what you have to say and think about it seriously.
Sean has since returned home for school and started school once again. We have talked once on the phone since when I called him and we talked for about 15 minutes.
My problems, issues, questions are: Am I nuts? Is there something wrong with me? Seeing how I have so little background and experience here, what is going on? What is Sean telling me? What is he trying to tell me? What is he feeling? Where do I go from here besides the nut house? I am totally lost, totally frustrated. Is there something here or is it time for me to “fish or cut bait?”
Background on me. I am 44, gay, not out to anyone yet I think and feel that many have a “feeling” about me. I live in a very small town in the backwoods of northern Wisconsin. There are no clubs, bars, spas, associations, gay groups, gay churches, etc near that don’t entail a minimum of a day’s drive and an overnight stay. My encounters with other guys to date have been sparse and all have been “quickies” and there haven’t ever been any feelings attached or recurrence of meetings. My gaydar is rather foggy and it usually tunes into things several years after the fact then it likes, “You should’ve had a V-8!” My first experience with another guy was my sophomore year in college.
A little more about me. I am the middle child of a family of 5, oldest of the second family as my sisters were 11 and 8 when I came along and have two brothers younger and we were all 18 months apart. My father was an alcoholic and kind of shiftless. My father was cold, uncaring, uneducated and in his alcoholic hazes was abusive as hell and damn near criminal. We kids got beat up, thrown around, hair pulled out and just plain ignored by him. My mother had a pot of chili thrown over her off the stove and a cement encased boot knocked over her head knocking her out and splitting her scalp. My sister had her head shoved through a wall and I had a ketchup bottle smashed down on my plate splattering ketchup, glass and food all over every one. Just because I was the seventh person to ask for ketchup when the meal was hot dogs and french fries. My mother is the strongest person that I have ever met and have ever known. She endured a lot. My mother finally had enough and got a divorce when I was 8. We were the first family in our community to get a divorce and the first Catholic family to do so. I don’t have a lot of memories of my father – good ones any ways – and I have a lot of my mother raising us kids and putting us through school and some of us through college. I do have a lot of memories of getting teased and beaten up by the others after the divorce. That soured me on relationships and friendships with others. I have never really wanted to get to close to anyone after getting burned by them. Years later a co-worker asked me why I had such a shell around me. Mother made sure we had access to further education if we wanted and my sister went into nursing and eventually more training to become a PA and I got a degree in education, taught, and then went into administration. I will come back to that part in a bit. My two younger brothers went into service and my other sister married and worked.
In a way I would describe my family as dysfunctional in the way we related to each other and did things. Most of us are loners and would rather be by ourselves and none of us really were too hip on the big family gatherings. That is except for my oldest sister who tries to bring everyone together. Feelings are not shared and view points on things are not discussed. All of my life I have felt so alone, so lonely, so unfulfilled. Sure I had some people to talk to, had activities to keep me busy and such but nothing that ran deep. Certainly nothing social in nature and nothing meaningful as far as my inner needs and wants. I worked every day and when not in school I was working weekends and summers for my family on the farm and during the school year was gone most nights either coaching or reffing. Keeping busy kept the mind off things I guess. Another thing is that I can look back at things and even now I notice and try to be conscious of it and that is depression. I will get into funks and just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be around people and don’t want to go out, don’t want to work even. Some of this is normal stuff I guess in everyone and probably to some extent more so in the gay community but the repeated times and frequency of occurrence is what I notice as not being normal. I just got over a bout of it that lasted about 2 weeks where I didn’t want to do anything and had stuff piling up around me.
Now I want to go back to the other point about my job that I left above and that is what these bouts with depression and the feeling of loneliness and being all alone in this world caused and that is that the internet became a lifeline for me in my search for happiness and that missing part of my being. The person that would make my life complete. About 10 years ago I fucked up my life, my career, my whole being using the internet at work in the evenings and the school tracked the usage and I was confronted on it. I lost my job, my dignity, my sense of being; I lost who I was and what I thought I was. I was humiliated, ashamed, and disgraced by it and I have been trying to rebuild the trust and my good name ever since.
I have since lost a sister to cancer in the spring of 2002 and a brother to suicide in 2003. Through my sisters short illness, I was the person that held the family together, took care of her, accompanied her to the doctor appointments and treatments and was the one who carried her out of her house the last time on the last trip to the hospital. It was me that she turned to when she wanted to talk and near the end when she wanted to talk about dying and what came after, it was me. Her funeral was left up to me to plan and take care of. Same is true of my brother. It was me that kept everyone going and again making all the arrangements and taking care of the legal part. Then in the winter of 2005 my father had problems, started a fire and has health issues. Who did he turn to for help? Me. After my brother died he decided that he wanted to be back in the family. So now I have responsibility over him too. In the fall of 2005 my mother got sick after a summer of running to the doctors and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Again, it has befallen me to be the primary caregiver to her and it has been me who has been there for every doctor test, every exam, the two surgeries, all the chemo and radiation and subsequent illness from them. I told someone a short time ago that I don’t have a life right now of my own as I am on autopilot for everyone else. I haven’t had any time away from this for three years. It is every day, every week, and every month. I wake up to it and go to sleep with it.
Sorry this is getting so long but when one is getting free counseling and the dime isn’t mine, I think you need to get a big view of things and see things in somewhat of a full perspective. Also, as you can see, I love to write. Now before I move to my question there is one final aspect of my being, of who I am and how I function that I think, I feel, I believe you need to know in order to put my problem, issue into focus. I know that some of you will discount this part, some will laugh, some will turn away, some will think I am certifiable, and a few of you will think about it. This has to do with connections with the other side, with the paranormal or just plain psychic. I am going to give you some background on it as it relates to me and then what happened which relates to my problem.
My brother was a deputy sheriff and was involved in an accident with his squad in May of 2003. I had done a ride along with him the night before. That night any way, I was tired from doing the ride along and working all day so I went to bed early, like just around 9 p.m. which is also the same time that he checked on. I had just fallen asleep when I saw two bright white lights flashing around the room and weaving. They appeared to be headlights and I got up and looked around outside as I was sure someone was in the yard or ditch. Nothing. I got back into bed and had just fallen asleep once again when I saw the flashing of red, white, and blue lights, emergency colors. Again I woke up and looked outside as I was sure there was something out there. Nothing. I went back to sleep and had a peaceful night and the next morning as I was sitting watching a little TV before church the phone rang to tell me that my brother had been in an accident with his squad when he went to swerve to miss an oncoming car in his lane on a crest of a hill and put his car through a ditch, over a culvert and up a set of guide wires. It had taken them about a half-hour to find him as his transmission was cut off and then it took them another hour or so to get him out of the car. My dream was at 9 p.m. and his accident was at 11 p.m.
That September, he came around for Labor Day and spent time at home. At the time we thought nothing of it but afterwards it all clicked. That Friday, my brother committed suicide and was found on Monday evening and we were notified by a knock on the door late that night when the Sheriff came to tell us what she found. Now, on that Friday night I had a dream that my brother was dead and that he had died of a gunshot wound. Also, in the dream, I was told what he wanted for his funeral and I used what I was told to plan his funeral with. We know about when he died from piecing things together afterwards and the phone calls he was making.
I could also talk about the angels that are around, the knock on the door at 5 a.m., the touch on my mothers shoulder at night, the radio being tuned to different stations, the microwave being unplugged and the smell of smoke inside and outside that I smell. That goes back to my fear of fires after our house burnt in 1970.
Then in 2004 or 2005, not sure of exactly when as I didn’t write the date down, but it was somewhere near the end of one or the start of the other as I was getting ready for bed, a very soft, peaceful, pleasing, soothing female voice says, “Sean, (no spelling given), 18-19 years old, from the area.” I go and write it down and wonder what it meant. I tuck the paper away for reference later.
The internet is still a big connection for me to the world outside and one night I was chatting on gay.com. I was talking with this fellow and we were talking about my interests and the fact that I was looking for a LTR and that my interests are in the younger guys. I have always felt that way and all the while I have been aging; my interests have remained with the younger guys. Every one has their flavor of tea. Any ways, he tells me about this site called Silver Daddies and after a couple weeks I go and check it out and sign up and create a profile. So I was on their in the chat room in early 2006 and I get a private chat. We start shooting the breeze and on the next session or shortly after, we move to Yahoo and we start talking and sharing about each other. Now, that very first time that we chatted, when he privated me, I had this most wonderful sensation come over me that I can only describe as being absolute peace and harmony. It felt as though the weight that had been on me had been removed. I describe it as a presence being there with me. So as we shoot the shit I find out that his name is Sean, that he is 18 and lives 2 hours south of me. I immediately look for my note on my desk and read it over to myself. As the year progresses, we chat more and talk about a lot of different stuff, we share about our families and our lives and stuff. When he privated me he told me that he was seeing, dating someone. I don’t know. We never did exchange phone information as he was uncomfortable sharing that with someone that you don’t know all that well and I fully understand that. The world can be a damn scary place and the internet is not the safest of places to be. I thought things were going well and he told me that he was looking for a LTR and wasn’t up for quickies and one nighters. I agreed with him. Then in August I got sick with the worse kidney stone attack and ended up in the hospital and had two surgeries to get rotor rooted out. I was just getting back on my feet after Labor Day when a friend had a stroke and I had to go into farming full time for him. Through this all the computer and the internet were the last thing I had time for. I farmed then until mid October when my mom got sick again and went in for surgery. Got back in November and we I got back online and we chatted again. In early December we actually exchanged phone numbers and called and talked for almost three hours that first night. Later that month I was going to be in his town to be with my niece for the day and that if he was free we could do lunch. It turns out he was in St. Louis with a family thing that weekend. I then got an email message from him telling me about his trip and then he says he isn’t sure about things and doesn’t think we will be anything more than friends. I was fine with that and ok with it, not exactly what I wanted to hear but we can’t dictate to others. I said I would do that and work with him on that. Conversations got shorter and longer apart. He wasn’t seeing anyone at the time nor was he in discussion with anyone, at least from what he told me.
So along about February I write him a letter after not hearing from him for over a month. It was a long one, like this one!! In it I told him how I felt about him, how I felt in my heart, how I cared about him, and wanted only for him to be happy. And that if he decided that we shouldn’t be friends any more then that is fine and that I would just move on and work on getting him out of my heart. He was a big part in my heart and I cared about him and thought about all the time and prayed for his well being and for guidance to come to him. I tried to be as straight forward as I could yet also to be kind and gentle and I thought I was being honest and that I was expressing love and care and not being spiteful or hurtful. I get a response back from him stating that he was hurt and didn’t understand and that he was sorry for being such a rotten friend and that he wished me well in my life. I didn’t want him to be hurt so I sent him a note apologizing for the letter and that I should have done a better job of explaining things and that if he wanted to be friends or whatever, and then I was still game. We started talking again and calling on the phone. I was going to be in town again for my niece, she goes to college there, and I said that if he had some time we could meet for some conversation and a lunch or whatever. I wasn’t looking to bed him and told him so. He tells me that he is leaving in a week for Vegas. I find out later in the summer that he is doing an internship with his brothers company there and would return again in the fall. We talked via an email message once all summer.
So this summer I get down again and after returning from Vermont in July I was resting during the day and dozed off. I awoke from a sleep in somewhat of a semi-sleep state. It wasn’t like I was awake yet I didn’t feel as though I was asleep. Any way, during this event, I was sleeping with my head on Sean’s chest and when I woke up I looked up and into his eyes and face and he was smiling at me. I smiled back and went back to sleep. That same day, but didn’t know it until the next day, I received a text message on my cell phone that stated, “Call your significant other.” It is so weird because there is no identification as to who sent it, no return number, and on my phone bill, the incoming text message doesn’t show up as ever being received, yet I have it saved on my phone. That same morning the radio came on for the alarm clock and the station was different. I listened and the station was from the town that Sean lives in. I looked at the dial and it was still set at 92 yet the station that was on the air and coming over the airwaves was 106. The next day everything was back to normal. Then this summer, one night as I lay in bed getting ready to fall asleep, that same female voice returns in the calm, soothing, peaceful and comforting tone and states, “He just needs time.” A couple weeks later it returns again and this times states, “He is the one but he has some things to work through.”
The other thing that has been happening to me and has been going on is also very weird and I can’t explain it other than that voice again saying “You will remain pure until.” Ever since I met Sean and started talking to him, I have not been able to establish any other contacts with anyone else. For example, if I go into a chat room on Silver Daddies or Gay.com, no one privates me any more, no one checks out my profile, and it is damn near impossible to get someone to respond back when I private with a hello or some other greeting. It is almost as if there is something blocking things. There have been a couple guys that I have talked to a couple times and now their profiles are gone, they don’t respond to emails, they don’t respond to messenger. It is almost as if they vanished. And also, being human and yeah I know I said I wasn’t looking for quickies, there are times in our lives when Rosie Palm and the Five Sisters just don’t quite work out and one does get horny and wants to get off a different way. It is just surprising that I can’t even get a quickie to happen and if I stop by the usual “cruise” spot, there is no one around and they were all well staffed!! It is almost like nothing can happen to me sexually with anyone else until what?
Sean is the youngest in a family of 7 of Catholic parents who are going through some difficulties and contemplating divorce. Many of his older siblings are married or have long-term friends working towards marriage. He did come out to his family last summer late when one of his brother’s wives made a remark about gays. His family accepts him fully. His family is also quite successful in life and business and one might just say they have that certain good luck charm or karma. I will also say that we have seen pictures and have also cammed and so we each know what the other looks like. The first several times we chatted I had no idea what he looked like other than what he described. The very first time I saw him I thought he was the most beautiful person alive. Now I am no prince charming and certainly far from the most of anything. He is beautiful but he won’t make the cover of GQ but then beauty is in the eye of the beholder and beauty is something that can be lost quickly but the beauty of ones soul can not ever be tarnished.
Now after all of that I get to where my problems and issues start. I don’t know if I am ready to hear what any of you think, feel or say, but I will promise that I will read what you have to say and think about it seriously.
Sean has since returned home for school and started school once again. We have talked once on the phone since when I called him and we talked for about 15 minutes.
My problems, issues, questions are: Am I nuts? Is there something wrong with me? Seeing how I have so little background and experience here, what is going on? What is Sean telling me? What is he trying to tell me? What is he feeling? Where do I go from here besides the nut house? I am totally lost, totally frustrated. Is there something here or is it time for me to “fish or cut bait?”
