No close contact with bf (cuddling, kissing, etc)... :(

[BiGuy8705]

I saw my bf this weekend for the first time in 3 weeks... we've been seeing eachother 2 months. (Long distance for now, will be rooming together in August) We have all of the typical long distance issues, but to top it off my bf is very strange at times. He's awesome and exactly what I'm looking for... but, for example, Friday it took 3 hours after I got there to find the right time to kiss him hello. Saturday, we went the entire day without ANY close contact, not a single kiss, hug, cuddling, etc... just watched movies on separate couches. Saturday night we partied, and his friend stayed over, so we couldn't sleep in the same bed, which is typically the only time I am "close" to him as far as cuddling, etc.

By the time Sunday came around, I was pretty sad that the weekend with him was over, and we hadn't had any time that actually felt like he was my bf, more like just a friend. We went into a huge discussion about that as well as some other things. Basically, he says he's just not into physical side of the relationship, and more that he sees a relationship as best friends that can sleep together. (For example, I guess he really enjoyed just having me there while we watched movies) He says he likes cuddling at night when we sleep, but that he will probably never come and cuddle up with me during the day for example. Any kissing, etc, I have to initiate... so it's often very rare to have any contact with him like that.

I asked him if he ever was into the more physical side of the relationship, and he admitted that he used to mess around with his first bf a lot. (My bf is very straight forward and honest about anything I ask him, which is a good quality) This is my first bf as well, and I'd like to feel like I actually have a bf of my own, not just a friend with a very occasional benefit.

Our sex life kind of sucks... when we do, it is seriously AMAZING... he just doesn't ever seem in the mood... and it's hard to get him in the mood without cuddling, making out, etc... things we don't do. Do you think even though he said he probably won't come up and cuddle with me, that it would be a bad idea for me to try to lay by him sometime and cuddle with him? He now understands that I need these things sometimes... not a lot... but sometimes... so I think he would just deal with it... but I want him to be happy too...

Keep in mind, that we haven't seen eachother in weeks, you would think there would be SOME desire for closer contact.

He says a relationship is all about sacrifice, and I told him later when we had our little talk that I can't be the only one sacrificing, and if he can't sacrifice a few minutes to cuddle while we're watching a movie, then we have problems...

Help!!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Biguy, I hate to sound pessimistic, but I see problems here. You two are on two totally different wavelengths here. When it comes to physical intimacy, there should be no "sacrificing" involved. That's something that two people should be pretty much on the same page about (more or less on the same page, anyway).

It'd be interesting to know why someone so young is so disinterested in sex. That's just not normal--sorry. I'd have to wonder if it's me, or him. If it's me, am I not his type? If it's him, why? Is he not comfortable in his own skin? Shy? What shut him down since his last bf? I don't get it.

I just don't think that either one of you ought to be put in the position to make "sacrifices" in the bedroom--him engage in behavior that is apparently uncomfortable for him; and/or you toning down your sexual needs or doing without to satisfy him. That can lead to no-where fast and ultimately leads to a lot of frustrations.

I hope he'll level with you about what's going on and you two can have a meeting on the minds on this. I think it's critical to get this resolved if the two of you have a chance.

Good luck! Let us know what's going on and how you're doing.

 

[BiGuy8705]

See, the thing is, I had all kind of issues with feeling distant from him, etc. We also talked about that. He said, the reason he's trying to take things slow is he wants to be with me a long time. We're living together in the fall, but he wants me with him for much longer than that, and wants to start a business with me once we graduate, etc. He must have feelings for me if he wants all of this, and like he said, if he didn't he wouldn't have asked me to live with him.

If he's that serious about wanting me to be with him for that long, maybe he truely just isn't interested in physical intimacy... though I have no idea why it is so hard for him. He's gotta be comfortable in his own skin, he's very sexy, and I think he knows it. When we are together in the bedroom, it is really hot and he definately enjoys it. I think we'd have sex a lot more often if I could get him in the mood, but I have no idea how to do that without cuddling and making out first.

The thing is, there has been a lot of drama lately, with our little talks. I really think if the drama continues it will be the end of us. I wish I would have taken the conversation further on Sunday as to not have to bring it up again. I guess I was just so shocked that he wanted to be with me long term, when my worry had been that he didn't want me because of his behavior, that I was satisfied with where the convo ended.

I've been thinking a lot, and while I do want him to be my bf more than anything in the world, if it gets to be the point where we're just friends, I can see us being friends for life despite our history. I really hope things change once I move there, but if they don't, I may have to make an important decision. I really really like this one, and would sacrifice a lot to be with him, but if it doesn't work out I guess it's not the end of the world... it would give me a chance to explore some things while away from home at school.

 

[Eagle653]

BiGuy you've got a great head on your shoulders and you seem to have this in good perspective. There's nothing wrong with waiting-and-seeing come the fall when you live together. Things have a way of evening out once you're together 24/7 (of course, things have a way of becoming a disaster living together 24/7 too, but let's accent on the positive lol).

It'll be interesting to see how this comes out when the time comes. I hope you keep in touch with us and resurrect this thread in the fall and update us on how you're doing!

 

[Riverrick]

Biguy, I'd recommend that you decide what your minimum needs are in this relationship and communicate that to him. He needs to know where to compromise. If your're not getting your needs met, then you will feel more and more frustrated and eventually resent him.

Good luck!

 

[drhladnjak]

I agree with what others have said. Two months into a relationship when you're 20 years old is no time to be compromising or settling. The fact that you're doing the long distance thing and consider each other boyfriends after only 2 months would seem to indicate that you're both fairly desperate for a boyfriend, regardless of whether or not right now is the right time for him or you to have one.

Despite what you say above, he is clearly not "exactly what [you're] looking for" or you wouldn't be having these issues. It sounds to me like the two of you have planned the distant future out (starting a business together, living together, etc.) without giving enough consideration to the present and what works on a day to day basis now.

Virtually any two people can be in a happy relationship if the circumstances and timing are right. You two as a couple may seem good in theory (have similar career goals, compatible personalities, hate the same things), but in practice there are tons of little but important things that make it work or not. Many of those cannot be easily defined or nailed down. It's the same reason you can read somebody's profile on a dating site, think you two are made for each other and then just not have chemistry when you meet in real life.

My opinion--don't get too hung up on this guy. There are lots of fish in the sea. There's no reason to totally freak out about possibly losing this one if things aren't working out.

 

[BiGuy8705]

Yeah, I'm going to give it a try and see if it gets any better... I really like this one, a lot, but even though it seems like we are only good friends and not boyfriends... I still like being with him, so if nothing changes I guess I wouldn't mind being friends.

I guess my question at this time is... even though it's obvious that he will never go out of his way to cuddle with me, etc, should I go sit by him and try to get closer to him? He did say he likes it when we cuddle in bed (we spoon everynight..) so I'm not sure how he can like it there, but won't otherwise. I'm not even sure if it's that he doesn't like it, but more just doesn't need it and therefore doesn't do it. How should I approach this? I really need some advice here. He knows my needs now, so it shouldn't come as a total surprise if I go try to cuddle with him one night. Should I just do it, or should I tell him I want to?

Sex is great and all, but I think I'd almost entirely give it up (well, moreso than I already seem to have..) to just hold my bf for a few minutes everyday...

 

[Tomcat]

This is only my opinion, but it would help if you just try to get closer to him. If he used to mess around with his first boyfriend, it might be that he was more active in getting him to the right mood.

As long as he enjoys your company and doesn't have any problems with you getting closer, the problem could solve on it's own...

 

[SoulSearcher]

I saw my bf this weekend for the first time in 3 weeks... we've been seeing eachother 2 months. (Long distance for now, will be rooming together in August) We have all of the typical long distance issues, but to top it off my bf is very strange at times. He's awesome and exactly what I'm looking for... but, for example, Friday it took 3 hours after I got there to find the right time to kiss him hello. Saturday, we went the entire day without ANY close contact, not a single kiss, hug, cuddling, etc... just watched movies on separate couches. Saturday night we partied, and his friend stayed over, so we couldn't sleep in the same bed, which is typically the only time I am "close" to him as far as cuddling, etc.

By the time Sunday came around, I was pretty sad that the weekend with him was over, and we hadn't had any time that actually felt like he was my bf, more like just a friend. We went into a huge discussion about that as well as some other things. Basically, he says he's just not into physical side of the relationship, and more that he sees a relationship as best friends that can sleep together. (For example, I guess he really enjoyed just having me there while we watched movies) He says he likes cuddling at night when we sleep, but that he will probably never come and cuddle up with me during the day for example. Any kissing, etc, I have to initiate... so it's often very rare to have any contact with him like that.

I asked him if he ever was into the more physical side of the relationship, and he admitted that he used to mess around with his first bf a lot. (My bf is very straight forward and honest about anything I ask him, which is a good quality) This is my first bf as well, and I'd like to feel like I actually have a bf of my own, not just a friend with a very occasional benefit.

Our sex life kind of sucks... when we do, it is seriously AMAZING... he just doesn't ever seem in the mood... and it's hard to get him in the mood without cuddling, making out, etc... things we don't do. Do you think even though he said he probably won't come up and cuddle with me, that it would be a bad idea for me to try to lay by him sometime and cuddle with him? He now understands that I need these things sometimes... not a lot... but sometimes... so I think he would just deal with it... but I want him to be happy too...

Keep in mind, that we haven't seen eachother in weeks, you would think there would be SOME desire for closer contact.

He says a relationship is all about sacrifice, and I told him later when we had our little talk that I can't be the only one sacrificing, and if he can't sacrifice a few minutes to cuddle while we're watching a movie, then we have problems...

Help!!

Sorry if I sound insensitive, but there seems to be something terribly wrong here. I think he may have his eyes somewhere else, cause to me it doesn't make sense at all that he would show such little interest in being physical when you hardly see each other.

 

[BiGuy8705]

There are NO other gay guys where he is from, and he is definately not looking elsewhere.

Yesterday I went to visit him... last sunday we had that big talk before I left, and then I went to visit him for the first time since on Friday. Things were better. We spent the day Friday rock climbing, hanging out like he likes to do, and then partying at our place... after everyone left we madeout for a bit and messed around for a few. When we cuddled and fell asleep, something seemed different. We're always close, but yesteray in particular it seemed like he really enjoyed it and we held eachother extra close. I asked him if we would still sleep together even once we get our separate beds (just for show), and he said "of course!" I found myself having MUCH more fun this weekend, becasue I could just enjoy myself, and not worry about if he's into me or not... I know he is from the conversation we had last weekend.

I'm wondering if it's something as simple as the fact that he takes a huge dose of (doctor prescribed) adderall everyday. I took one in the morning, when we were supposed to finish what we started on Friday night, and I suddenly had no desire to mess around... I just enjoyed talking to him.

I think the problem will solve itself once we're together. I really like being there, and he really likes me being there. This August will be interesting at the very least!

 

[Riverrick]

Good for you.

Yea, meds can kill the libido. And until you experience it, you can't appreciate how your sex drive is just a bunch of chemicals working in your brain. Andyhow, glad you had a good visit.

 

[BiGuy8705]

I think his prescription for Adderall is definately the problem. I took the other Adderall he gave me today. I would normally be horny as fuck before bed, especially after hangin out with some really hot (and shirt-less) friends just now, but nothing at all. More just kind of drained physically and mentally and jackin it is the last thing on my mind. I read about it on webmd and I guess it definatley could cause that.

A few months ago he was a lot less busy with school, and didn't have his job, and I know there were a lot of days he didn't take it. Now that he has had a lot of tests and a crazy work and school schedule he has been taking it everyday, and if I have no sex drive after 2 days of taking it I could imagine how he might feel after taking it everyday for weeks...

 

[BiGuy8705]

Uhh dude Adderall is for ADD, lol. He's very stable mentally. He will be closer to me in August, as I will be going to school there and living with him at our new appartment. This guy is everything I want, but if it falls through I will be alright, because school and everything that goes along with getting away is also what I need right now... and like I said above, though it's not what I want to happen, if there is no other solution, I will see it as an opportunity to have some fun and figure out what I'm looking for while a hundred miles from home.

 

[calmhunk]

Well, before you mentioned the Adderall I was thinking "hmm... maybe he's afraid that too much intimacy will ruin the relationship too soon" So he may be taking things slow as a precaution to be with you longer. From my deep profound depths of knowledge on relationships, i.e. 0, he could just be wanting it to last longer. I've heard early sex can ruin a relationship, depending too much on the physical and not the emotional. Adderall may very well be the reason though.

Also, Ginseng is an herb that increases sex drive. See if you can work it into your meals, for the both of you.