Not a huge problem, but a Coming Out one

[Overated]

I know this pales in comparison to others problems, but i just feel kinda lost

I have been at university for 6 weeks now and i haven't come out. I know it hasn't been that long but i feel they have a right to know.

I have no idea how to tell them...i don't think any of them would give a damn (so i suppose what have i got to be so worried about )...but what if they thought of me differently...i don't want them to think i have lied to them in any way.

I have commented on attractive women, but i don't want them to think i am leading them on for saying it. I just can't seem to say 'I am gay'...I wish i could

Does that make any sense? I sound like a right twat

 

[Eagle653]

It's not a big deal that you haven't come out to people after 6 weeks of knowing them. There's a lot about them they haven't chosen to tell you, either. Everyone is in the getting-to-know-you phase and all good things happen in their own time.

Since you want them to eventually know, you can approach it two ways: First would be to just tell them bluntly (e.g., "I'm gay. Any questions?") This might be a bit forward, though, until you get to know someone better. For example, the natural reaction is "So what? Why are you telling me this?" Then it gets all awkward.

The second way is to just be natural and let them figure it out, or learn how to drop subtle hints. Then, decrease the subtleness as you go along until it's obvious. This way works if you don't want to have a more direct conversation about it.

In the meantime, relax and enjoy your new environment--keeping your eyes and ears open and listening and learning along the way. Soon, you'll know who you want to be close to, friends with, and detest. Then, you can choose whom you decide to tell more carefully.

Good luck--both with this and with your studies at university!

 

[Riverrick]

In your profile you claim you're in the closet, so why would you suddenly want to come out at school? That isn't required in order to be accepted by anyone, especially total strangers, or at least people who were a short 6 weeks ago.

Just enjoy their company. If it leads to something, great. If not, you don't really need to be proving your sexual orientation to anyone. It is your business.

Some people want to come out because they feel fake hiding in the closet. In his environment, it means dealing with questions about dating girls, which girls are hot, what do you like to do when you have sex, do you ever think about getting married, can I fix you up with so and so, etc.

In my experience, its much more stressful to be in the closet than out of it. So I understand Overated wanting out. College will be a totally different experience that way.

My advice: Pick one person and find time alone with them and tell them in your own way. See how that goes and with your new confidence, start telling others. Hopefully pretty soon they will be trying to find you a boyfriend!

 

[confusedboy23]

Just come out at your own pace. Don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation for being who you are. We make decisions based on what is best for us at the time, so if you've commented on hot girls and stuff in the past, that was then when you weren't ready. But if things have changed in your life, then you have every right to tell them so. Just make sure you are comfortable with yourself and doing what you want to do before anything else.

 

[Roland00]

Come out at your pace. Don't over rush it if you aren't ready even though alot of people telling you being out of the college is great.

This is because the inital moments of the moment are very strenous. It feels like the whole world is watching you, you are literally feeling shame. If you aren't ready it will hurt, eventually it will get better, but it will hurt during that time. If you are ready the shame won't be near as bad as it could be if you aren't ready.

I am still advocating coming out though, but at your own pace.

Its okay to just blurt it out. And I dont' think your new friends will think any less of you since people know coming out isn't easy and you just met them after all. Here is a sample conversation with the guys.

Hot girl walks bye, men are commenting on how hot she is.

Your friend says "isn't she hot" to you. (He is expecting a rhetorical yes)

You answer, "she is good looking but she doesn't do anything for me"

Your friend doesn't understand "why not? She is great looking"

You answer "she is, but I am gay."

You will now have a conversation that at most lasts 3 minutes. Kids in high school are far more accepting of gays then other generations

 

[Soilwork]

Just enjoy their company. If it leads to something, great. If not, you don't really need to be proving your sexual orientation to anyone. It is your business.

this attitude makes me really angry.

When we talk about things that are no one's business, they're things we're supposed to be ashamed of or things that are tacky to talk about. Like having herpes or how much money we make.

Your sexual orientation shouldn't be either.

Straight people have no problem telling us that they're straight every few minnutes. They have boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands of wives.

They hold hands in pulbic and wear loud ugly clothes to get married.. then they parade down mainstreet honking their horns in tacky decorated cars.

If the world must be forced to acknowledge their sexual orientation, they're going to acknowledge mine too, dammit.

 

[tpeezy101]

Come out at your pace. Don't over rush it if you aren't ready even though alot of people telling you being out of the college is great.

This is because the inital moments of the moment are very strenous. It feels like the whole world is watching you, you are literally feeling shame. If you aren't ready it will hurt, eventually it will get better, but it will hurt during that time. If you are ready the shame won't be near as bad as it could be if you aren't ready.

I am still advocating coming out though, but at your own pace.

Its okay to just blurt it out. And I dont' think your new friends will think any less of you since people know coming out isn't easy and you just met them after all. Here is a sample conversation with the guys.

Hot girl walks bye, men are commenting on how hot she is.

Your friend says "isn't she hot" to you. (He is expecting a rhetorical yes)

You answer, "she is good looking but she doesn't do anything for me"

Your friend doesn't understand "why not? She is great looking"

You answer "she is, but I am gay."

You will now have a conversation that at most lasts 3 minutes. Kids in high school are far more accepting of gays then other generations

When you say kids in high scool are more accepting than other generations? You mean HS kids from the past or just HS kids in general? b/c while being gay is more accepted, I've seen my share of str8 kids making nasty comments of people they think are gay or people that are gay.

 

[spreadeagle]

You don't say who 'they' are; is it a close circle of new friends, flatmates, or the whole university?

You might start wearing a button with linked female symbols, pink triangle, labyris or other device, but you'd be foolish to think that homophobia doesn't exist in an 'enlightened' university environment.

Being open about your sexual preferences, however discreetly, will certainly increase the likelihood of contact with potential social and sexual partners. At the same time it will expose you to the attention of those who want to ridicule or challenge your position for twisted reasons of their own.

You might prioritise your reasons for being at university - and consider what other students' priorities might be - is it primarily to get a good degree that will lead to a satisfying career, or to explore your sexuality?

 

[Roland00]

When you say kids in high scool are more accepting than other generations? You mean HS kids from the past or just HS kids in general? b/c while being gay is more accepted, I've seen my share of str8 kids making nasty comments of people they think are gay or people that are gay.

Meant to say college not high school. College big difference than high school, but the wrong words were typed

 

[jockboy01]

Well, I wouldn't worry too much. The more "out" of the closet I get, the less I think it is a single step process. I think some people think that coming out means telling everybody. If that works for them, great, but I don't think it's necessary. It is only necessary to just be yourself and be true to that. I let them draw their own conclusions if they like. But no, I don't tell people I'm gay. I suppose if good friends ask, I would tell them. As to the "do you have a gf" type question, I just answer honestly... "no". I would answer the same if they asked if I had a bf so I don't see the big deal.

Those friends that see my myspace page and do a little digging (I don't post anything under orientation) I think all know. I saw one friend this weekend and am pretty sure she knows b/c I think I overheard her tell her bf that I was gay. She's never asked, I never told her and it wouldn't change our relationship one bit anyway. But I'm sure she's seen that gay friends leave comments about seeing me on there. And honestly, maybe that is a coward's way to come out, but I don't think so. And she'd never think so either.

BTW, soilwork would've been so proud as a friend of mine and fed each other food at a restaurant with a group this weekend.... even if the friend's "gf" was there hahaha. Whatever, it was a good time.

 

[Riverrick]

this attitude makes me really angry.

When we talk about things that are no one's business, they're things we're supposed to be ashamed of or things that are tacky to talk about. Like having herpes or how much money we make.

Your sexual orientation shouldn't be either.

Straight people have no problem telling us that they're straight every few minnutes. They have boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands of wives.

They hold hands in pulbic and wear loud ugly clothes to get married.. then they parade down mainstreet honking their horns in tacky decorated cars.

If the world must be forced to acknowledge their sexual orientation, they're going to acknowledge mine too, dammit.

I sooooo agree with this!

 

[skaterboi]

I know this pales in comparison to others problems, but i just feel kinda lost

I have been at university for 6 weeks now and i haven't come out. I know it hasn't been that long but i feel they have a right to know.

I have no idea how to tell them...i don't think any of them would give a damn (so i suppose what have i got to be so worried about )...but what if they thought of me differently...i don't want them to think i have lied to them in any way.

I have commented on attractive women, but i don't want them to think i am leading them on for saying it. I just can't seem to say 'I am gay'...I wish i could

Does that make any sense? I sound like a right twat

In the exact same situation mate, finally away from home where I can "be myself" yet I still hold back, I've got to know people over the first 6 weeks and in a way I still feel like I'm living a lie. Not sure how I'm going to deal with it yet but will manage when I have to. I do drop subtle hints on my sexual orientation but I'm not ready to fly the rainbow flags just yet.
My advice is just try and be yourself, theirs no reason to say that you're gay, if you manage to pick up a guy in a club/pub then they will get the idea.
Obviously if you're out as gay youll have more chance of meeting someone but dont stress over it, still got loads of time at uni to sort yourself out.