Not being approached by anyone

[mrdude]

Always been unsure as to why I rarely get approached by men in public. On online sites, I get a lot of messages, overwhelming really. But then when I'm at a gay bar - nothing.

I'm a very shy, anxious guy and I've been told that I'm stuck up a few times, men who don't believe I'm gay and even a guy tried to start a fight with me which came to a huge shock to me (He said I was 'hardcore' - which made no sense to me.

I'm in a mixed bag here, I don't know how I can be stuck up. I'm guessing its my shyness but I can't help that. What exactly or how does a stuck up person look like? I have no idea.

Does anyone have difficulties or have been negatively frowned upon? Maybe it's the scene, wrong clubs, I'm unattractive, unapproachable.

 

[GamerBear]

Do you cross your arms in bars? Do you look around the bar as if you are just observing the scene instead of putting on a smile or looking friendly? I've done this during gay events and people tell me that I look intimidating and that I am unapproachable because my face looks angry all the time. I tend to be extremely shy and I look around the bar observing the people and other things.

I have always wondered why nobody approaches me, one guy told me because I was not white and not everyone finds my race attractive. That was probably the most stupidest fucking excuse I've ever heard in my life, but it could be true maybe its just the type of bar I went to that was full of assholes. Perhaps I was going there for the wrong reasons, looking for friends when the bar is nothing but a place to hook up for sex.

I've asked my friends and they say that when they look at me I look way too shy and scared, even concerned at times when they look at my face. Basically I stopped going to events and bars because I just got tired of the bullshit drama from most men, as you can see I hang out with bearish guys and chubby men so that probably might tell you the type of scene I'm into. All I want is to make more friends but apparently bars and events are not the place for that sort of thing.

 

[SC6201]

Shyness and insecurity can often come across as conceited and self centered. I have the same problem connecting with people and communicating both verbally and non verbally that I care and get blown off quite a bit. I can portray confidence and don't act shy...but self centered is what is perceived by others as the insecurity comes out.

 

[HunterM]

Smile. Smile smile smile!

Don't wait for people to come to you. Start talking with people around you that you may or may not be interested. Start practicing talking to everyone at grocery stores, coffee shops, etc. When you're sitting at a bar, say hello to people sitting next to you. The key is to practice initiating conversations with strangers...break out of your shyness...which will make you more approachable.

 

[Orlandude]

Practice reaching out to others everywhere you go, not just gay venues. A smile and a hello are 50% of getting to know anyone. Do this everywhere you go and you will be amazed at how many people respond to you. I don't put a lot of stock in the bars and clubs. Yes, you can meet others there but bars tend to be filled with mindless head games, attitude-laden people and a lot of insecurity. I've never had a meaningful relationship come out of any bar or club...and very few friendships for that matter....mostly acquaintances or "bar friends". Remember too that as many people as you see in the bars and clubs, that's how many more don't go there at all. They do other things, many of which are not always gay-oriented. Above all...be yourself for others to see and attitude is more important than anything. You get back what you project.

 

[Durango95]

Hey, mrdude, the last thing I'd worry about is the reception at a gay bar. Gay bars are not the paragon of gayness. They are probably the paragon of gay alcoholism, maybe. Go to a gay bar, like any other bar, to get a drink not a guy. Maybe another venue would be more suited to your personality. Maybe a smaller place with a theme, some sort of group would be a better starter for you. I don't do groups so I personally cannot speak to that. I meets guys everywhere but that is just me.

It has been my personal experience that a lot of guys that say they are "shy" are really saying they are at the very least hesitant and sometimes just out stubbornly unwilling to put the first foot forward. To make a friend you have to be a friend. If you want people to like you, you have to like people. It is pretty simple. You get what you give. If you give cold and aloof, three guesses as to what you will get in return.

 

[Benvolio]

I have noticed that sometimes a great looking guy will sit alone in bars, because guys think he is out of their league or something. If you are to shy to approach them, remember, they may also be too shy to approach you.

 

[Seasoned]

Shy people are often accused of being unfriendly, aloof and sometimes even arrogant. I guess we all give off vibes and these are interpreted on a subconscious level for social interaction. As someone who is naturally introverted, I have learned that there have been times I've faded away even in a crowd. One thing I have done when wanting to make changes is mimicking the behavior of people who are obviously at ease in social situations.