Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Mean?

[MorrisseyX]

Why do gay men say to me after dating for a short period of time let's say between 2 to 4 months this line "I am not looking for a relationship? "

Why does a man change when things are "going" well and suddenly just "change" his mind?

Why do I even bother anymore? It seems like the people around my age aren't looking for a relationship they are just looking for sex.

Of course I realize the common denominator in these situations are me. I have to examine "why" am I attracted to it seems emotionally unavailable men it is my fault. I wonder though why do I even bother with men at all anymore? The more I think about it I feel some gay men want their sexual freedom at all costs and don't want anything more that is meaningful. Sometimes I wonder is it me? What did I do? Was I too attentive? Did I care too much?

The last guy I went out with was a close friend and that just messed everything up. We have known each other for over seven years yet got involved with each other. Now this year we have been friends or at least trying to be and yet I feel like maybe I am kidding myself.

I wonder if I should just stop talking to him? He says he can't get serious because his family wants to put him into an arranged marriage with a woman. He told me a few weeks ago he is thinking of moving to Korea because he wants to get away from his family.

Last month the friend went away to Florida with his family he brought back some gifts. I guess he was just being "nice" giving me the gifts. Maybe I should of rejected the gifts? Maybe I am at fault as well?

He is a part of the local South Asian group at the university and he invited me to a video screening a few weeks ago. I will be honest a part of me was conflicted. I wasn't sure if I should attend the screening or not? I felt like "why does he want me there anyway we are just friends?" He has his South Asian friends at the university to the attend the movie screening with so why would he want me there?

He got mad at me a few years ago because he was involved in acting and I did not attend his performances. So this time around I decided in the end to support him. I showed up the movie screening and it was good. I think his friends are nice people. I just am wondering if I should make more distance between us?

Of course I have empathy for his difficult situation. I am not South Asian and he is. He says since he is the only male child in his family if he marries a woman he must take care of his parents until they die and he also has to live with his parents as well.

I decided this year to volunteer in the gay community and also get involved in a support group. I want to meet new people and break the social isolation I have been experiencing. I also went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says based on his professional opinion I am not depressed and I seem motivated to change my life. He doesn't believe I should be on any anti depresants.

Of course I realize the more I "put" myself out there the more likely I will meet new people. I feel I am in a period of transition in my life a work in progress.

I feel conflicted of course I want to be his friend but a part of me feels like he also a part of my safety zone and I should separate from him completely and just move on with my life. I don't know what to do?

 

[racer2438]

Re: Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Me

cus it might be "going good" for one side only.

So I for one would say if it has gone that long, they should have said something before, and not lean one on.

relationship takes 2 to work not one....

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

Re: Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Me

You've identified the problem, you 're choosing the wrong people. Why do you date someone for 2-4 months without talking about what your intentions are?

Isn't that the kinda thing you ask initially to avoid wasting time with someone who's headed in an entirely different direction?

 

[slickery]

Re: Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Me

There a lot of things one can do when they first meet someone to indicate you want more then just a root.

The main being, don't put out. If you want something more from soenone, don't give it all away at the beginning.

 

[theFallenGod]

Re: Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Me

Sometimes people realize that they may be better friends than lovers... the whole "not looking for a relationship" thing is a just a nice way of dumping someone without completely shattering them...

He has made his intentions clear ... he likes you as a friend and wants to keep you as a friend but you want more and are partially pushing your ideals on to him which is making things difficult.

Step back and realize that you are both friends that have a lot of shared history with one another but its not going to be more than friends any time soon... if ever again...

 

[theplayerking]

Re: Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Me

I don't mean to belittle your frustration or pain, but "I'm not looking for a relationship" means "I'm not looking for a relationship ... WITH YOU."

Chances are he's actually desperately looking for a relationship (which is why he let it go so far for so long).

What's really painful is if (when) he turns around in two months and starts an intense, head-over-heels relationship with someone else.

I know some guys use this line as a "nice" way of breaking up, i.e, trying to make it about them and not you. To me, it's MORE painful because I'm being lied to as well as rejected. The truth hurts, but being lied to is even worse.

I bought this line the first time someone used it on me. Never again. You should just move on. Sorry.

I'm sure that there are a handful of guys who are genuinely "not looking for a relationship," but the are few. I don't know anyone who would resist being swept off his feet by Mr. Right should he come along.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Re: Not Looking For A Relationship What Does It Me

I have read the advice and it makes a lot of sense. I guess when I do meet someone new the conversation has to start from the beginning what my intentions are and what the other's guy's intentions are. So when I find out if both our expectations don't match then it's just best to make a clean break and split. This advice makes a lot of sense it's like the issue of "expectations" is the elephant in the room.

The truth is I don't know if I can be his "friend" anymore. I am thinking of simply ending the friendship and move on with my life and erase him from my memory. I also made the mistake of accepting gifts from him. I acknowledge I am also at fault.I think I might just mail back the gifts he gave me or simply throw them in the trash.

 

[conrad]

As it looks to me some men look for sex and vaguely think it may lead to a relationship while other men sense or learn the hard way that relationship comes first and sex may follow.

Not all relationships eventually have a sexual element; they usually are worth the effort whether sex happens or not.

When one reaches out in friendship to another there is likely to be a response. Some friendships become more than friendship and when that happens sex may happen. The wonderful thing about such a development is that it comes about naturally, no one is the seducer, both want and need it. When it happens it confirms a bond which has already come to be between two persons. And, each re-confirmation seems to be better than the last--the sex is fantastic because you have two persons but each is seeking the good of the other.

Some say that true love never runs smoothly but I know from experience that a sexual relationshp between two people in love is better able to handle the bumps and ruts than a relationship where the bond is sex only.