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Oh this can't be good...

J

JB3

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I was going to take a little vacation from JUB, but something came up tonight that I need advice on.

So I've been seeing this guy for almost two months now. We get along great, have a ton in common, and generally mesh really well together. We spent a lot of time together, thanks to the fact he lives pretty close to me. But, he recently stepped down from his supervisor position at his job, and has been working part time in his real career as an architect. Only, he's been commuting and working in Minnesota three days a week. He's been stressed out with this, because he is still working a job he hates, and then commuting a thousand miles a week on top of it. He lives with his parents right now, but they're moving in February, and he's going to need a place to live.

Well, tonight we were just dicking around on his tablet and my phone, and he saw I had a twitter account, so he went to the site to look at my tweets. About two weeks ago, after a really great night with him, I posted something to the effect of 'I think I'm falling in love with him', and he saw it. He freaked out a little bit, before I explained to him when I posted it and that it was a 'heat of the moment' type deal.

And that's when he said that we don't want to go down that road because he's planning on moving to Minnesota sooner rather than later, but that we'll talk about it more on Saturday. At that point I sort of stumbled along with my words, and we said goodnight to each other and I left. In the past 8 months I've gone through a bitterly painful breakup, crippling depression, and some pretty severe suicidal thoughts, and all I could think on my way home was that I'm going to get my heart stomped on again.

I've been pretty careful with not getting ahead of myself with this guy and not jumping the gun and getting too attached too quickly. I was hoping to see where it went with this guy, since he does seem to be a really good match, and I could see, someday down the road, it getting more serious. But I'm also a realist; long distance relationships suck, especially when you've only been together for two months. Him, being a realist too, is going to be thinking the same way. And Lord knows the guy can get freaked out a little easily, so anything that might attempt to move it forward a bit won't be happening.

I just feel like this is headed into the crapper before we even had a chance to see where it was going. My past is probably coloring my view of things and making me react a little too strongly to what he said, but what else am I supposed to think?

I just really am not quite sure what to make of all this...
 
From what you posted here I think you need to make this more about you than him. What I mean is that having a fulfilling life with or without a bf is an important goal. The loss of a boyfriend is painful and sad, but if it throws you into severe, long lasting depression it's a pretty clear sign that you've given away your power. If that's a chronic issue for you therapy is a good way to combat it.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. I feel badly for you knowing that you've had some recent upheaval, but do work on being grounded enough so sadness doesn't consume you and do work though sadness rather than masking it with a new relationship. I wish you all the best.
 
Things end when they end. It's never "too soon," it ends when it does. Playing what if to a melancholy soundtrack in your head only tortures yourself. It doesn't change what happened.

He's pretty much told you not to commit to feelings for him. So don't. Have a good time while he's around if you can but start looking elsewhere in the meantime.
 
Who says social networking isn't good for us ](*,)

I would cut your losses now. I wouldn't waste anymore time on or with him. Time to move along and get on with your life as he does his. It'll just hurt more postponing the inevitable.
 
Long distance relationships aren't impossible, they just take a little more work is all. If your b/f is moving to the Minneapolis metro, then you two aren't all that far apart, and can certainly visit for weekends. Southwest has r/t fares for $140 or you can drive 6 hours, neither of which is all that challenging as you figure out your relationship.

More importantly however is your depression issue. Depression is the symptom of your brain's chemicals possibly being out of balance due to diet, exercise, disease, or other physical ailment and/or a response to a person not living their life in congruence with their body's need. This is the fundamental issue you need to solve before getting too concerned with anything else. Your physical health, and lifestyle choices need to be meted out so that your depression response can be overcome. Otherwise, you may spend wasted years continuing down a path that gives you bad results (ie, depression).

I'd suggest if your b/f is open to it; is to just take it week by week. I don't think you need to make a break up decision when the two of you can easily see each other with just a little bit of effort and a little bit of cash.
 
JB3 said:
I just feel like this is headed into the crapper before we even had a chance to see where it was going. My past is probably coloring my view of things and making me react a little too strongly to what he said, but what else am I supposed to think?

I just really am not quite sure what to make of all this...
Click to expand...

There's not much to be accomplished by anticipating that a relationship is going to succeed or not succeed when you haven't had an honest discussion with him about the subject.

It does sound like he has a lot going on in his life and a lot of transitions happening all at once. Adding a relationship to the mix adds more complication. The question for you is whether you're willing to wait it out until he gets his life back together or whether you need a break from his uncertainty.

But either way, the two of you should be able to have an honest "state of the relationship" discussion about where you both want it to go.
 
First thing, cancel your twitter account. I don't like to text, email or electronically communicate more than I have to.

As far as your relationship, take it one step at a time. Don't do anything drastic. As Tx-Beau said, they end when they end, and I would add or they never end til death do you part. Trying to foresee the end will like make the end sooner. Try to relax. I know a woman who told me her boyfriend did something on the second date that she thought was weird, and she wondered if she should stop dating him, but decided it was a premature to make that decision. They've been together over twenty years, and have been happily married most of that time.

Sometimes, things have a way of working out. Something may happen, your bf may get a dream job in Chicago, or he may get a dream job in Minneapolis and want you to join him there. Or maybe your relationship will peter out, and you'll be ok with it.

In any event, good luck and have a great holiday weekend.
 
It sounds to me that the guy you have been seeing has good judgement. He recognizes the socio-economic standing he's in and is going to make the best decision for both of you. I would defer to his judgement and if it turns out you're single-single again, then I would focus on finding contentment on being just by yourself. We don't need to have a man all the time. We still have family and friends to enjoy.
 
Update:

We talked last night, and neither of us is sure what we want to do. He's almost positive he's moving, but right now he's waiting for the pieces to fall into place. (he needs to get another part-time job since his other job will only be 30 hours a week) He can't deal with the back and forth anymore, which I totally understand.

Our conversation about us pretty much revolved around the fact that it's only been two months, so we're not at the point where our relationship is enough for him to stay or me to go with him. It sucks, but what can you do? Once he figures everything out we're going to go from there, and see what happens.
 
Don't wast time and opportunities whilst pining for him. Continue to live your live.
 
JB3 said:
Our conversation about us pretty much revolved around the fact that it's only been two months, so we're not at the point where our relationship is enough for him to stay or me to go with him. It sucks, but what can you do? Once he figures everything out we're going to go from there, and see what happens.
Click to expand...

That's probably the best approach.

Sometimes it just happens that you meet the right person at the wrong time in their life.

Given his circumstance, he has to focus on getting some stability back into his life before he will be able to be in a relationship with anyone. That's why it's important to have discussions like this in a relationship- so that it's clear that it's not personal and so that both people can come out of the talk understanding the point of view of the other person- even if it's a situation like this where what you want is not possible.
 
He's moving a week from Thursday. Now he's moving to Minneapolis, which is a bit further away. We're still taking things one day at a time, so who knows what'll happen.
 
That is the way to take it.

I also agree...things end when they end....and we don't have to end them sooner or later.

I also am concerned about the depression; it is something that I hope that you are getting medical or counselling support for and not trying to deal with on your own.

I hope this all works out for both of you.
 
rareboy said:
That is the way to take it.

I also agree...things end when they end....and we don't have to end them sooner or later.

I also am concerned about the depression; it is something that I hope that you are getting medical or counselling support for and not trying to deal with on your own.

I hope this all works out for both of you.
Click to expand...

The depression ebbs and flows. I've been fine for the last two or so months, but this whole situation has caused it to re-emerge. Today was a particularly rough day, but that's because I was doing a lot of thinking today about the situation.

I too am hoping it works out, but who knows? My friends keep telling me that its a case of 'right person, wrong time', but that infuriates me more than anything. Probably because I feel so helpless about this whole thing. Its hard to see this all happening in slow motion, and to just stand there and not be able to find a way out. I'm not the type of person to sit back and watch; since he's told me this I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out a way, any way, for us to not be 500 miles away from each other. But the only options are one that we're not ready for, and another that I can't afford to take.

So the only option is for us to try and make this work. Who knows what the future holds...
 
JB3 said:
Not anything beyond that we want to see how it goes. Neither of us wants to make a decision until we've had a chance to try it out.
Click to expand...

One of two things will happen, and they fall under one of two categories best defined by a cliche:
1. Out of sight, out of mind.
2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If either of your reactions fall under the first category, it probably wasn't meant to be even if you stayed in the same city.

If your reactions fall under the second category, you'll make it work until you can be together full time again. He sounds like a good guy, so I hope it's #2. Good luck and stay positive.
 
palemale said:
One of two things will happen, and they fall under one of two categories best defined by a cliche:
1. Out of sight, out of mind.
2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If either of your reactions fall under the first category, it probably wasn't meant to be even if you stayed in the same city.

If your reactions fall under the second category, you'll make it work until you can be together full time again. He sounds like a good guy, so I hope it's #2. Good luck and stay positive.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I'm struggling today, since his going away party was tonight. He is a great guy, and that's why this sucks so much.
 
Update: We decided to end things today. Even if its for the best, I'm still struggling with it. Its tough to live up something like this.
 
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