On the matter of coming out...

[essenceofthedark]

Sometimes, I feel (when reading threads about coming out) that I'm sucked into a world of surrealism, or... something. Because, while I see that, yes, it is nice to come out to people, to have them know this about you, sometimes I just feel the issue is... well... made a bigger problem than it really. Sure, I understand america is america, not my country, and that if you live in a really christian/intolerant community, it can be hard - and it can be hard regardless of that - but...

Sometimes I think, aren't gay people themselves creating some stigma, by... outing themselves so dramatically? It's not like straight people go to their parents and go:

"Mom... dad... I'm straight" *uncomfortable silence*

I haven't told my parents yet, simply because I don't think it's their business who I like or not. Of course, I will if I get a gf to introduce to them, but then I'll be more like "mom, is it okay for me to bring my gf over for dinner someday?"

And, I've done that a lot. When I talk to people I sometimes talk about my ex-gf casually, and the typically they go "gf? You're gay? Oh, okay" and then they move on. Even my muslim friend was "gf? wow" and then nothing more was said, just simply accepted.



Of course, I realise this probably differs from society to society, and where you live, what crowd you hang with, but I think it would have been worse for me if I suddenly told my friends "I need to talk to you about something" and then "I'm gay".

Well, that's my 5 cents, what's yours? (and if this is in the wrong forum, any mods should of course move it)

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, here in America, we only put our two cents in. But then again, the economy has hit us harder.

My personal belief is that coming out is simply something to be gotten beyond. "I want to come out" means, basically, "I don't want this aspect of my life hidden from people I know." And your technique is one I've suggested to some people. Just act as if people already know. Because their thought process is "wow, he's gay...but he's not making a big deal about it. So I guess it isn't any big deal, so *I* won't make a big deal about it either."

And that's fine in some circumstances. But if someone feels quite close to family or friends, they might find that dismissive. They feel that since they've gotten close, it's a topic that needs addressed directly.

Here's a bit of a logic flaw, though - at least from my viewpoint. You say you haven't told your parents because you don't think it's their business. But you apparently HAVE dated a woman before. Did you simply not tell them about that? I mean, you're right - if you're not close to them, you don't have to tell them. But if you talk to them on a semi-regular basis, certainly "I'm dating somebody new" (of whatever gender) would be newsworthy, and so worthy of talking about, right?

Lex

 

[DarkHelios]

Sometimes I think, aren't gay people themselves creating some stigma, by... outing themselves so dramatically? It's not like straight people go to their parents and go:

"Mom... dad... I'm straight" *uncomfortable silence*

The difference is that most people assume that you're straight, so there's no need to say it.

I haven't told my parents yet, simply because I don't think it's their business who I like or not. Of course, I will if I get a gf to introduce to them, but then I'll be more like "mom, is it okay for me to bring my gf over for dinner someday?"

In my opinion saying you have a girlfriend (or a boyfriend if you're male) is the ideal way to come out. It's something you'd tell them whether you were straight or gay. Unfortunately, if you're single (like myself) you can't go that route.

One reason you might want to explicitly say "Mom... Dad... I'm gay" is that you'd rather they hear it from you than from someone else. It's a sign of trust. The disadvantage is that it doesn't really flow into conversation quite as nicely. That's probably the main reason I haven't told my parents yet (I'm assuming they suspect, but I think they're leaving it up to me to bring up the subject).

 

[Seasoned]

How, why and if a person comes out is a personal decision based in part on a person's personality. Culture can also be a factor. In the United States it can also be political. Heterosexism makes the assumption that we are all straight. As far as waiting for a partner, why should that person be the excuse? We are gay with a partner or without one.

 

[essenceofthedark]

Well, here in America, we only put our two cents in. But then again, the economy has hit us harder.

My personal belief is that coming out is simply something to be gotten beyond. "I want to come out" means, basically, "I don't want this aspect of my life hidden from people I know." And your technique is one I've suggested to some people. Just act as if people already know. Because their thought process is "wow, he's gay...but he's not making a big deal about it. So I guess it isn't any big deal, so *I* won't make a big deal about it either."

And that's fine in some circumstances. But if someone feels quite close to family or friends, they might find that dismissive. They feel that since they've gotten close, it's a topic that needs addressed directly.

Here's a bit of a logic flaw, though - at least from my viewpoint. You say you haven't told your parents because you don't think it's their business. But you apparently HAVE dated a woman before. Did you simply not tell them about that? I mean, you're right - if you're not close to them, you don't have to tell them. But if you talk to them on a semi-regular basis, certainly "I'm dating somebody new" (of whatever gender) would be newsworthy, and so worthy of talking about, right?

Lex

Hm, yes, the recession definitely hit you guys harder

As for my ex-gf, yes of course, you are.... sort of right. But we never got that serious about each other to get to the 'introduce-to-parents' stage. If it had, I would have and I would even just have told my parents about her because we were dating, but she wasn't comfortable about it so I didn't, and then we broke it off before it got further

And no, I'm not close enough to my parents to tell them about my love-life xD; I don't think I'd introduce them to anyone I'm not very serious about.

The difference is that most people assume that you're straight, so there's no need to say it.



In my opinion saying you have a girlfriend (or a boyfriend if you're male) is the ideal way to come out. It's something you'd tell them whether you were straight or gay. Unfortunately, if you're single (like myself) you can't go that route.

One reason you might want to explicitly say "Mom... Dad... I'm gay" is that you'd rather they hear it from you than from someone else. It's a sign of trust. The disadvantage is that it doesn't really flow into conversation quite as nicely. That's probably the main reason I haven't told my parents yet (I'm assuming they suspect, but I think they're leaving it up to me to bring up the subject).

Some people certainly assume everyone is straight, but that doesn't mean everyone does. I like to treat people like they can fall either way until I know for certain (I hate assuming XP unless you have some real basis for them), but making it a big deal, even if they will when you tell them, is not helping, just making the problem bigger.

I know for one, it will be a huge ruckus when my dad finds out. He's one of those 'gay people are gross!' people and he's also of the opinion that 'you choose to be that way' but I'm not going to make it a bigger deal than it is when I tell him, because then it will only escalate.

Of course, I'm not saying it's wrong to do it like that. In another situation where I trusted my family not to make it a big deal, I might have done it too. But as it is, no. Of course, "Mom, dad, I'm gay" is a more intimate way of telling them, but I didn't say I didn't want to tell them myself I just take the road to (hopefully) less drama.

@soreknees: I'm not using it as an excuse, I just don't think it's their business. Just like gay porn/yaoi/yuri. I like it, but it's not my parents' business. I never told them whenever I liked a boy or a girl, but if I got someone I was serious about, of course I would introduce them, regardless of gender.

 

[kramer362]

It was a big deal for me because I suppressed it for so long and led everyone to believe I was straight. And when I was more or less lying to the people I'm closest to for years, I felt it needed to be confronted directly. I went through a hardcore depression coming to terms with it, because I have never known any gay guys and felt completely alone. Yes, I made it a bit dramatic in some cases because confronting and dealing with being gay wore me down so much I wanted the support of my friends, and for them to know how shitty I was feeling over it. Telling my closest friends was like a huge weight off my shoulders; it was a big deal in my mind so I made it a big thing in certain cases.

As for everyone else, well they'll find out in a nondramatic fashion because I am hopefully past the tears now and can be open at least around my close friends as it is.

 

[essenceofthedark]

It was a big deal for me because I suppressed it for so long and led everyone to believe I was straight. And when I was more or less lying to the people I'm closest to for years, I felt it needed to be confronted directly. I went through a hardcore depression coming to terms with it, because I have never known any gay guys and felt completely alone. Yes, I made it a bit dramatic in some cases because confronting and dealing with being gay wore me down so much I wanted the support of my friends, and for them to know how shitty I was feeling over it. Telling my closest friends was like a huge weight off my shoulders; it was a big deal in my mind so I made it a big thing in certain cases.

As for everyone else, well they'll find out in a nondramatic fashion because I am hopefully past the tears now and can be open at least around my close friends as it is.

Of course, when you've told people for years, or at least pretended, you were straight, an 'oh by the way, I have a boyfriend' is obviously not going to cut it. Not only would it be rude, but thinking someone would take that in a stride is well... not quite as realistic XD

I have to admit, when I wrote the thread, I was thinking more about people that just never pretended or lied about it, just never said anything before in fear

 

[kramer362]

^ understood

I actually for a few years before telling anyone, stopped pretending I was interested in girls. I even removed the "interested in:" from my facebook and no one confronted me. This was more due to my realization I could not ever date a girl though; I had convinced myself I could tell people I was asexual and be celibate forever... rather than confront my gayness.

But then I grew up and dealt with it, and they still were surprised when I came out, lol. So even hints didn't work for me

 

[essenceofthedark]

^ understood

I actually for a few years before telling anyone, stopped pretending I was interested in girls. I even removed the "interested in:" from my facebook and no one confronted me. This was more due to my realization I could not ever date a girl though; I had convinced myself I could tell people I was asexual and be celibate forever... rather than confront my gayness.

But then I grew up and dealt with it, and they still were surprised when I came out, lol. So even hints didn't work for me

Haha, wow xD well, some people are just oblivious or only see what they want to see I suppose but if you stopped being "interested in" on fb, they probably just thought 'oh, maybe he just doesn't want a relationship right now' which, to be fair, is a valid reaction ;D

 

[TX-Beau]

...Some people certainly assume everyone is straight, but that doesn't mean everyone does. I like to treat people like they can fall either way until I know for certain (I hate assuming XP unless you have some real basis for them), but making it a big deal, even if they will when you tell them, is not helping, just making the problem bigger....

I don't know how things are in Norway but over here, the vast majority of people simply assume you're straight unless you fit their stereotype of "gay." They will go on assuming that until you tell them otherwise, and then you get to have the "why didn't you tell me," conversation, which can range from benign to accusatory. Straight guys especially don't like to find out after they've become your buddy, that you aren't who they thought you were. lies of omission or commission about your sexuality are really just self serving in the end and can cause a world of problems.

There's nothing wrong with being gay, or with being openly gay. Straight people certainly don't consider their sexuality a private matter, I don't see why gay people should either.

As for making it a "big deal." I don't know what that means, and I don't see that it matters. If someone wants to have a big coming out festival, send me an invite, I'll bring champagne. The people who have problems with gay people won't show up, and will avoid you forever after. So there's at least one huge benefit derived from making a big deal.