On the verge of a breakdown...

[WaffleIron]

Hi,
I'm a longtime lurker, first time poster. JUB has definitely helped me out as a resource a lot, and I'm finally in a place where I need to actually ask some questions for myself.

I'm 20, in college, never really been in much of a relationship. I'm mostly out, and have messed around with guys a bit, but never anything too serious. I recently have met someone who I think could be a boyfriend (and he really wants to be in a relationship), but I'm just freaking out.

Firstly, for some reason I'm finding I am not really horny when I'm with him. I love his body type and he has a nice dick and really is everything [I think] I want... But I just don't really feel the passion. We have had sex, I've only bottomed because I can't even really stay hard enough to top him. The whole situation is just uncomfortable and not very pleasant. I don't even really like the sex.

As a person I like him too, but I just feel very anxious. Again, on paper he is everything I want, but in practice I just don't feel it. I don't know if it's because I am just nervous and inexperienced, or if the chemistry is not there.

The basic problem is that this stuff is all new to me, so it's hard for me to know if the problem is me, him, or just inexperience.

This has been going on for a couple weeks now. We see each other at least a few times a week, but I find when I am walking around campus I am always hoping I don't run into him. When I get a text message, I hope it's not him. I use my workload (which admittedly is a LOT) as an excuse to limit time with him. I'm normally not this standoffish with people. Again, I don't know if it's because I don't like him, or because I am being forced to grow up and it's fucking scary.

The whole thing has made me very anxious and tense and not in a good way. I'm really on the verge of a breakdown (for things beyond this relationship). I'm also realizing that I really don't want to be intimate with him, I don't want to hold his hand, I don't want anything. I almost feel like I'm turning straight... Or really, asexual is probably a better word for it. I'm not really liking women any more than I ever have, rather I am liking men less. I am less horny and just feeling gloomy.

Thoughts?

 

[hotatlboi]

Relationships are almost never about what's "on paper".

They are always about the heart.

If you don't feel it you don't feel it.

 

[texan_slant]

If the attraction/connection isn't there, and you have to ask the question here, then he might not be the one. Have you done any extensive dating? Feelings like this might be normal when there's no connection.

Regardless, you don't sound quite ready for a relationship - like him or not.

Not taking an interest in sex, or him, doesn't necessarily mean that you're 'turning straight, but it could be anxiety, confidence, depression, or any/none of the above.

How was your mood beforehand?

If any, what were your other relationships like? Relatively to everyone else here, you're pretty young, still, so you kind of have to see your 20s as a period of discovering yourself, what you like, and what you dislike. I definitely would try not to stress out too much over what you 'should' be feeling - rather than taking your feelings as what they are, processing them, and moving on.

Emotions might seem to cloud your judgement, whereas sometimes, you have to take a pragmatic approach towards them.

It might be better to just take it as it is, break if off with this guy, and the time apart might really make you realize whether or not you really like and/or miss him.

Good luck, my friend.

 

[Seasoned]

Address ALL the issues in your life. BTW, there is such a thing as the fear of intimacy. Try to be honest with him without being hurtful.

 

[sixthson]

Sounds to me like the problem is not him. Maybe you are not comfortable with yourself? You might be attracted to him, but do you really like him? Perhaps you have rushed to intimacy and haven't taken enough time to get to know him. Back off a bit and get to know one another as friends. It goes without saying that you should talk to him openly and honestly.

 

[wizardo]

It isn't about what you SHOULD be feeling. It's all about what you DO feel. The fact that you're intentionally avoiding the guy pretty much says it all.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's an old saying, "When the gods want to punish you, they give you what you want".

Everything you wanted- a hot guy, your type, interested in you and... "Now, what I can I do to fuck this up?".

What's not clear is whether you don't feel attraction to him or whether you haven't dealt enough with your own issues to be ready to accept what your peers would kill to have...

So, ask yourself - why wouldn't you be happy if the gods gave you what you wanted?

 

[TX-Beau]

Sorry, no chemistry, it happens. Move on.

It seems that you already know you're not attracted to him. Your anxiety comes from not wanting to hurt him. Well, you can let him down easy, but resign yourself to some hurt feelings. Such is life. Do it now. Your anxiety will abate. You'll find plenty of guys who look good on paper that you have no real interest in up ahead. There's no need to turn this into a huge psycho-babble drama about your levels of intimacy, or overbearing mother.

Even if that's the problem (and don't just assume it is) it's moot, you won't become more interested in him because you went into therapy.

 

[terps420]

I've had somewhat similar feelings to what you're describing. It's pretty complicated, a lot of the time, the mere fact that your dick isn't working 100% right 100% of the time is discouraging enough to cause emotional implications as well.

For me though, I eventually realized that I just had to overcome my own intimacy issues. I had to get used to... being devoted to this one other person for the 10-15 minutes when we would be having sex, while at the same time refraining myself from feeling guilty about being promiscuous and having sex with these guys, who just like in your situation, usually liked me more than I liked them.

Chemistry between people isn't a "maybe" thing. It's like being in love... when you are, when it's there, when it's real... you fucking know. If you were to write down all of your platonic friends positive characteristics on paper, theoretically, you would be good with them too right? If you've only had sex with him once and you're basing the whole "uncomfortable and unpleasant and unenjoyable" approach just on that... I'd suggest getting a little tipsy, smoke a spliff with him and have some really good foreplay without the actual sex. If you're a little loosened up and affirmatively aroused, the sex will definitely get better.

Good luck and feel better too!

 

[LoveIsNow]

Been there. Done that. The one's that stick are the ones that are totally not your type or at least are your type but with a twist. The perfect ones always end up being boring like that.

Also deal with those other issues be cause they can't be making things any better.