Online dating advice

[Link25]

So a while back I posted about not having any friends (and never really did) and never having a relationship (or even a date)....and that I'm 32. After getting some good advice here I took a huge step one night and signed up for two online dating sites...two pretty big ones. I answered every question asked so that my compatibility would be pretty accurate for a match, included multiple pictures and made sure I was honest about my likes/dislikes and what I was looking for in a potential boyfriend. Well, for a couple of months now I've been sending messages to guys and have yet to receive one response. My messages are more than "hey" and "what's up?". I usually try to look for something in common and start up a conversation based on their profile. Not only have I not received any responses, nobody's sent me a message either wanting to know more about me. Admittedly I sent one or two messages to guys who were out of my league in the looks department so I took a shot but wasn't expecting much there.

I guess my question is, who should I send a message to? How do I know where I rank and who's within my reach? I know a lot of this is based on physical attraction first and foremost. If some hot guy has the same interest as me should I stay away just because I don't measure up looks wise - and should I send messages to people I'm not attracted to just to have a shot at something?? Obviously I'm very confused and getting frustrated. I spend a lot of time browsing profiles looking for people with common interests only to wait around for acknowledgement.

So I guess my question is, am I approacing this all wrong? Expecting too much?

Thanks

 

[Seasoned]

Having no experience with online dating, I just had one thing that came to mind. Have you compared your profile to other profiles? Have you done any research on how to write one? I suspect that looks play a big part the same way they do at a bar, for example. The messages you send are like pick up lines. Some, perhaps most, fall flat.

Don't allow your self esteem to be affected. Try rewriting and keep it honest, light and intriguing.

 

[Ditschen]

I haven't had much luck with dating sites either. Some guys can be quite mean. I wouldn't expect too much. I have met one or two friends on such sites, but it's rare.

I don't know what's in your profiles, but there's a chance that you're coming on a bit too strong. If you state outright that you're looking for a long term relationship or include too much detail, that might put some guys off. You might consider simplifying your profile. Just write a few sentences about your specific interests.

 

[Link25]

First, thanks for the responses. My profile isn't too crazy about wanting a long term relationship, in fact it's quite breezy-looking to date, make some new friends and possibly more. I just talk about my interest and what I enjoy - nothing that other guys couldn't relate to - pretty standard/common interest.

Having no experience talking to potential dates in person is probably one reason I'm not good with actual pick up lines and write to guys like I'm composing a friendly e-mail. I actually paid for one of the sites, nothing but a waste of money really.

It did have an affect on my self esteem - I thought I'd at least get some messages from guys trying to get my attention even if I didn't contact them first. Luckily I'm over it a learning from it.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Link, I'm 31 and in somewhat of the same boat. I have profiles all over... Grindr, Scruff, OKCupid, Match, Tinder, you name it, I've got a profile out there.

Here are the few changes I've made within the past two to three months that appear to be working (by working, I can say that I'm engaging in conversations).

-First and foremost, be Yourself, and not who you want to be perceived to be. If you don't really like Thai Food, don't say that you do.

-Make sure everything "works together." On any of the apps or sites, I don't have pictures of myself in a leather harness, in a jockstrap in front of the bathroom mirror, bare-ass on the beach etc. My headlines and introductory paragraphs depict the same message... "Looking to meet some new people and see what happens" is interpreted as "I'm here for a no-strings fling but I'm trying to sound like I have my shit together and I'm not a slut!" Instead, it says something along the lines of "I've had my fun, and I'm looking to meet some new friends that may or may not lead to a date." (And I stick to that. If someone's looking for a hookup, or a pen pal from 700 miles away.... SORRY!)

-"Partnered Guys" or guys in "Open Relationships" are a No-Go, and for the time being, I'm not even looking to be friends with guys that are in relationships.... because I can't find my "one" if I'm spending my time with somebody who can't promote me to the level I want myself to be at with someone.

-I try not to have the top/bottom conversation with anyone, because quite frankly, it's irrelevant if you're looking to meet some friends. If two tops or two bottoms become friends, there is nothing wrong with that.

-One other thing I do after I ******* for a site, is I set the search parameters two three inches taller/shorter than my height, and 10 pounds more/less than my current weight, and then within 4 years older/younger than me. I set the body type to the same as mine. I do that so that I can see there are many attractive guys that are "like me." The odds of me dating a super model are slim (note, I'm open to it!), so I think it's important to look for guys that are also in the same bracket as yourself. For me, it's a self-esteem booster.

Good luck out there

 

[Ninjato]

Online dating is hard. You might not be doing anything wrong at all. It's just the way it is. I can talk to guys for a long time but they never want to meet or disappear all of a sudden. I've had much better luck joining gay social groups/activities. I've made a lot of friends and tried to date a few guys from there but we just ended up as friends. I'm still on dating sites/apps but I don't put too much into it.

 

[Link25]

Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I think I put to much hope into it thinking that this was the surefire way into starting to date. Now I know it's really not "BEST" way to meet someone - it's just A way and is no better or worse than others.

It's funny I notice a lot of guys state they want long term relationships and I thought for sure that wouldn't be a good thing to say as you might scare off a lot of potential dates - not that I don't want that, but I was sure to keep my intentions more on the casual side for the time being.

Anyway, I won't go deleting my accounts or anything, but I think I may stop obsessing over checking them.

 

[Seasoned]

Im happy you found some piece of mind with some excellent and practical suggestions. Relaxed, self-assured people seem to have the easiest time in all social situations.

 

[erobert]

Online dating is difficult for a lot of guys. Even so called hot guys, who have a good profile and great pictures of their travels around the world, stable well paying jobs and whatnot complain about online dating so that reassures me a bit but also has me a bit worried since if they can't find dates online that's a bad indicator for the state of things. I'm on the verge of taking a break from dating sites since it can take a unnecessary dig at your self esteem and can become a distraction for meeting guys in person through social groups, volunteering, etc...

My personal belief is a lot of guys are more dismissive online, flakier and are quicker to knee jerk reactions about you than they would be offline since there's less real time information to go off of.

 

[redips]

My personal belief is a lot of guys are more dismissive online, flakier and are quicker to knee jerk reactions about you than they would be offline since there's less real time information to go off of.

That's very true. In my experience, guys on dating sites definitely tend to be flakier. I think it's partly because the pool of guys is so large (depending on where you live) that people start to dismiss a potential date more easily. Also, because your dating profile is right there, it gives guys a chance to review, re-review, analyze, over-analyze your profile. This leads me to this advice:

Put LESS information in your profile. Answer FEWER questions. And, include FEWER photos.

Don't include just one photo. But don't go overboard and include 10. Maybe 3, at most. Don't write about your whole life story. Be very brief and succinct. The point is NOT to convince someone to marry you after reading your profile. The point is to pique someone's interest just enough so that they'd go on a first date with you. That's all you need.

People are by nature defensive, and maybe lazy. So don't provide too much information for people to analyze and over-analyze.

Also, here's another piece of invaluable advice which I got from others back when I did online dating: don't play email/message tag for too long. All too often, guys message back and forth for weeks, months, without going on a date. If you like someone, ask them out after 3-5 messages, tops. At the bare minimum, move to text messages after 3-5 messages on the dating site. Playing email tag for too long also diminishes the intrigue, mystery, and fun of going on a first date. And, it again forces you to provide TOO MUCH information.

Online dating definitely has its drawbacks, but overall, I had a good experience. My dear bf and I met online, and we would NEVER have met in real life, not in a million years. We have an amazing relationship right now, and I'm very thankful for online dating. Don't give up.

 

[palemale]

Make sure your profile is honest. It's better to get fewer contacts, but ones that are more likely to bear fruit. If it is clear someone has lied to me or posted fake pics, I'm out the door. I don't know if I agree about worrying too much about whether a guy is "in your league." I mean, don't go for someone you really think is out of your league, but you never know. I've met guys whose pics weren't great, but they were very handsome and sexy in person. Some were great in bed, some were duds. I don't worry about height differences. I've been with guys who are 10" taller and 10" shorter than me, and have had lots of fun with them. There's a guy I'm interested in who, before opening his pic, told me he had an ugly face. He was not objectively handsome, and maybe a little homely. But, he really turns me on and I still want to meet him. I don't search by race and my profile makes clear I'm open to men of any race, and I've had great sex with men of all races. Also, I got off to a really, really slow start, but things picked up considerably after a year or so. I don't know why. I refined my profile, I became more relaxed. No way of knowing, so be patient, be nice to everyone, if someone's a jerk, don't argue or tell them they're a jerk, just move on.

 

[Link25]

Thanks everyone for the advice! Still not much luck, but my expectations are not nearly as high as they were. I do feel better after reading what you guys had to say though!

 

[Seasoned]

Glad you checked in. Good to know you have a different attitude. Sometimes, a change of perspective is all that's needed. Best wishes!