Only THOUGHT you were in love?

[NickCole]

I don't want to hijack the thread about whether or not you've ever been in love so I'm starting another on a related subject I saw appear in that thread:

Originally Posted by T-Zero
... Then again, there are those occasions as well where I thought I was in love and being loved in return, but in hindsight am not so sure.

I experienced that once -- all of a sudden in what I thought was the middle of a love affair, my man told me he was not in love with me and realized he never had been. Months earlier he'd made a big deal out of telling me he was falling in love with me and then telling me many times after that that he was in love with me.

Still makes no sense to me; I've never figured out how that could be and I'd love to understand it.

I know when I'm in love, and in hindsight, even when I'm no longer in love, I know I WAS in love back when I was.

Can anybody here shed light on this? What are your feelings, what are your thoughts, when you begin to think you weren't in love back when you believed you were? What leads you to question whether or not you were really in love, and how do you reach the conclusion that you really weren't?

Or just tell a story of when it happened to you -- from either side.

Thanks.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Many people do not quite differentiate among being in love, liking someone, being infatuated, etc. It all comes down under the title 'I Love You'. If they ever grow up and realize their errings, they may go back and try to right the wrong, which is another fault of the similar caliber.

The others have never experienced the feeling of love. And they never will. It is not granted to everyone. These people often go to a great length to declare their love and fall back on their own words and deeds after a while for whatever reason might be at hand.

The feeling of love is a most personal feeling there is. Only you can really decide, what 'being in love' really means for you. That's why there is such an impressive body of lyrical poetry in all the languagues of the world.

What appears to be universal is the sense of responsibilty towards the other person and his feelings. Playing with emotions of the others has never been praised as a value worth striving for. And it rightly, is not.

I take my time and do not use these words lightly. But, if I do, I very well mean them. And I have never fallen back on them.

I have grown to believe that everything changes over the time. People certainly do. And as much as they can grow together, they can grow apart, too. Eternal love thus, makes hardly any sense.

Yet, I still lovingly cherish the memory of each and everyone of my BFs. Sad as break ups invariably tend to be, I have learned never to grow bitter about them.

I have grown to love without the having the feeling of possession at the same time.

SC

 

[NickCole]

Thanks, T-Zero. I'm not arguing but I still don't get it and I want to.

I get that infatuation and lust can feel like being in love -- and I've never been convinced that infatuation, crushing, lust that feels like being in love isn't really a kind of being in love.

I understand the desire to be in love but I can't grasp that that can lead to one believing one is in love when one really isn't. I guess, for me, being in love is so specific a feeling, so intense it takes over my body and mind, that I'm certain it's genuine. Also, being in love doesn't necessarily last forever, and if it ends I don't question whether or not I was in love with the man when I believed I was.

I'm curious about what you feel, what you think in those instances that makes you believe you never were in love with a man rather than that you stopped being in love with him.

 

[NickCole]

SilverRRCloud --

The others have never experienced the feeling of love. And they never will. It is not granted to everyone. These people often go to a great length to declare their love and fall back on their own words and deeds after a while for whatever reason might be at hand.

I think you're right about this, though I've always had a hard time really believing it could be true. Loving and being loved has come easily to me and it's hard for me to imagine being incapable of it. (And lest anybody think I'm bragging, remember that love is a double edged sword, cuts both ways. It gives great pleasure and it delivers horrible pain. It comes at a cost.)

I take my time and do not use these words lightly. But, if I do, I very well mean them. And I have never fallen back on them.

Like you, I take my time and never tell someone I love him or am in love with him unless I know it's genuine. To do otherwise seems cruel.

I have grown to believe that everything changes over the time. People certainly do. And as much as they can grow together, they can grow apart, too. Eternal love thus, makes hardly any sense.

I agree with you here, as well. My partner insists that if you're not in love anymore then you never were. I don't buy that. It doesn't feel true to me, to my inner core. I know I was in love with a man, Matthew, many years ago. So in love with him it filled my body and mind. It lasted several years but today I am no longer in love with him. I savor the memories of our time together but the feeling of being in love with him is long gone.

Yet, I still lovingly cherish the memory of each and everyone of my BFs. Sad as break ups invariably tend to be, I have learned never to grow bitter about them.

Again we are alike! I'm very glad that somehow I knew from the beginning that memories of past boyfriends can be sweet and warm, comforting as a warm blanket on a chilly day. I worked hard to not hold on to anger and hurt once the relationship is over, not say anything bad about someone I've loved or betray their confidences -- and in the end all of that keeps the memories light and clean and free of bitterness.

 

[NickCole]

^^^^ Reworded

At the moment, I'm not even completely sure how I feel about having a comment of mine yanked out of another topic and used as a starting point for a more general discussion in which you could have posed your question without putting me on the spot. Being directly mentioned and quoted I felt rather compelled to offer some form of commentary. However, I understand it was harmless with no malicious intent of any kind on your part and done as a means to begin a sincere discussion with other people, on the other hand there's a slight resentment on my part.

I'm very sorry. I should have asked your permission, or just left out your quote. That was thoughtless of me and I really am sorry.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to be able to provide you with the type of answers you seem to be looking for that would satisfy your curiosity or increase your comprehension beyond what I've already mentioned. People mature emotionally over time. It's like trying to describe the difference between post-pubescent puppy love and a mature adult love in some ways.

Thank you for trying, though. I appreciate you making an effort despite my having used your quote without your permission.

 

[Andreus]

everytime I thought i was in love, it was always true, but I am a very standoffish type of person. I am hard to get close to. I think I know the difference between infatuation and love, and I don't think alot of people really know the difference.

I was told by a therapist that new love is biochemically alot like an addiction, but that phase passes and if there isn't a real emotional bond it just falls apart.

I have interpreted that to mean that the real love part begins during or after the early obsessive part ends.By that line of thinking, ive been in love three times, and thats probably alot for someone my age. I have probably been in that beginning phase fifteen twenty times though. That matches up with alot of my friends and their ideas of love etc..

hope my humble opinion helps.

 

[NickCole]

There always is more than one way to handle a situation.

For me, not damaging people, especially people with whom I've shared any kind of personal connection, is a priority.

I can't help but wonder what profit, what value, there is to telling someone, "Even though I said I was in love with you, I never really was." Isn't the end result just as well accomplished by saying, "My feelings have changed and even though I love you I'm not in love with you anymore." The first taints the memory of the entire relationship and creates fertile ground for mistrusting the next person who says, "I'm in love with you," while the second leaves memory and trust intact for the person you love and at the same time moves the relationship into the truth of your feelings.

Trust, when you get down to it, is really nothing more than faith. It's impossible to be open to a full satisfying relationship without trust; too much doubting ("does he really love me or is he like that last guy?") keeps doors and passageways closed. Sure, sometimes we get hurt when we trust someone but the alternative is to miss an opportunity for genuine deep connection. It's my experience that a genuine deep connection is the best human experience available.

There are times the unvarnished truth is essential. And there are times that withholding a hurtful element harms no one and leaves someone with their ability to trust intact. I think that's important because maybe their ability to trust someone else who comes along will result in a relationship that'll give those two the best that life has to offer.

 

[Lube]

Interesting thread.

I guess I have enough self-confidence in my ability to read people, that I wouldn't take seriously someone telling me "I never really loved you" if in fact I thought they did.

It would hurt only from the perspective of: Why did they feel that had to say that? Was it to justify to themselves their breaking up with me? To punish me? ??

But I'm getting divorced, for example, because I know that my wife is not in love with me the way we were when we first got married. We still love each other a great deal, but we've moved in different directions (and, well, I have issues ).

But just because we're not in love now doesn't mean we weren't in love before. We absolutely were.

As I go through the house, cleaning out stuff, it's really interesting going through old artifacts of our relationship. It's like an archealogical (sp?) dig. Mementos from early in the relationship still give me warm fuzzy feelings; things from later in the relationship give me more mixed feelings.

So, even now, when it's all over, I can still feel how it felt at different points in the relationship. The ups and the downs.

And regardless of anything she would tell me now, I pretty much know how we both felt at various stages of the relationship.

I trust my own gut feelings more than what someone tells me. There are no politics involved in gut feelings; there are often politics involved in the spoken word.