Out But Still In... Any Help?

[New_Secrets]

I don't know how to explain this, but I feel as if I am being ostracized by both the Gay & the Straight Community. I have looked over this forum for hours and have yet to find anyone with a similar problem, so I thought I might post and ask for help as odd as it may seem.

See, not long ago I finally came out after a life of masculine straightness in hopes of embracing the welcoming arms of an accepting gay community... but all I found was more shame and denial of who I truly am and how I truly feel.

I'm gay. I enjoy sex with men. I enjoy being a man. I have no desire to be a woman. That said...

I only enjoy sex as a bottom. I have tried to be a top a few times and, I'm sorry, I just did not enjoy it. Most times I enjoy sex the most if I don't even finish, as long as my lover is satisfied. I feel more comfortable behaving in what might be considered a "feminine" manner. I enjoy dressing in feminine clothes. I do not try to look like a female, but I feel sexy and desirable dressed like this. But apparently I am not, or so I am learning.

I have found that most gay men, at least that I have encountered, not only are not attracted to someone who behaves this way... but most actually look down on someone like me. I often hear, "If I wanted a woman, I'd have a woman."

Great. So what does that leave for me? I am caught between two worlds, it seems.

I have searched and searched on the Internet for the answers. Mostly what I find are articles stating that gay men are attracted to the masculine traits, not the feminine traits. While I agree that I, personally, am attracted to masculine (dominant) traits... I am most comfortable expressing my feminine traits, as few as they might be.

I don't wear dresses or skirts or wigs or bras or make-up, but I do like short shorts, low--cut capris, panties, half-shirts, and the like. What is wrong with me??? I am beginning to hate myself all over again, and I thought this would have ended with my accepting who I am and coming out. Instead, I have just been ushered into a different closet.

I have two different guys that I see regularly. Both have (finally) accepted that I am strictly a bottom, but I'm sure they are not completely satisified with it. If asked, I will perform to the best of my abilities as a top, but I really don't enjoy it at all. Otherwise, neither of my men have any complaints when it comes to the lengths I will go to satisfy them sexually. Except for this one little area, there is no limit to what I will do in the bedroom.

But... neither man, I'm afraid, would ever accept my "cross-dressing" for lack of a better term. I don't really consider myself a crossdresser, although I guess technically that's what I would be labelled as. So, I find myself alone at home dressing in my pretty things but forcing masculinity... even in the presence of those who I have pledged to be my "true" self to.

Any advice? Or am I just some weird, stupid freak as I suspect?

 

[tallguy297]

"Or am I just some weird, stupid freak as I suspect?"

No way mate...theres no way you are any of those things. What floats your boat floats your boat...simple as that. We all have our "things" and truth be told all of us really are different.

Just hang in there... you will find somene that values who you are in everyway. And then....stuff the rest of the world!

 

[1st love ron]

But... neither man, I'm afraid, would ever accept my "cross-dressing" for lack of a better term.

Then find one who does. Easier said then done, I know.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I can see your situation.

At times, you only change one hell to get yourself into another version of the same drama...

Take your time and do not save any effort searching for the right guys.

Yup, most guys out there are likely to be bttms or versatile. And most guys are likely to be looking for other masculine dudes. And most guys will not like your (cross) dressing habit. That's a fact of life and you'll do yourself quite some good in simply accepting something that cannot be changed anyway.

But, you can go on looking for the few guys, who would be more than thrilled to date with you and, who would find your way of expression more than thrilling. It'll take time and effort, but if you are persistent, you'll get there.

Do yourself a great favor and stop expecting the gay community to be any different than any other community there is. The mainstay people are pushing their agenda and that will remain so for a very long time. You want to go somewhere else and try to connect with the guys, who would be more fitting to your needs.

It really boils down, to patience, stamina, endurance and hard work.

SC

 

[Eagle653]

Yes, hang in there.

I know many of us thought coming out would lead to warm embraces by the "gay community" only to find that there were layers of niches in there too that seemed as daunting as navigating purely in the straight world.

It sounds really trite, but I also really believe it: There's someone for everyone. You seem down on yourself, and that's probably understandable given some reactions you've gotten. But, in reality, you fill one the niches in our complex society and they ARE guys out there who are really attracted only to femine bottoms and are not attracted to guys who are tops.

Perhaps you could widen your circle of acquaintances and who you're meeting. I guarantee you, you are someone's "type." The goal is to find him.

Good luck. And, by the way, welcome to JUB! Let us know how you're doing.

 

[Riverrick]

I think there is often a prejudice against effeminate men in the gay world. Personally, I suspect that some of this comes from our own homophobia. I know mine does. I think I like to emphasize my masculine traits and look for masculine guys because I'm still somewhat afraid of my own femininity.

Another thing I've noticed is that gay guys who are effeminate tend to out me by association in public. If they're obviously gay and I'm walking next to them, then I feel self-conscious. I work really hard to let that be my issue, not theirs and to try to challenge myself and grow from it.

So I guess what I am saying is that you may be pushing a few buttons on guys that don't like having them pushed.

 

[screwnutty]

New_Secrets. You be yourself. Don't pretend to be something else just for somebody else's sake. If they don't like you for who you are then there not worth your time now are they?

Hang in there man. Life is full of bumps, but every journey leads to a great reward....or so my DM in D&D says anyways!

 

[screwnutty]

Somebody ask what DM in D&D meant....so here it is!

Every journey leads to a great reward....or so my Dungeon Master in Dungeons and Dragons says anyways.

Yes, I still play dungeons and dragons. Oh come on it's a great game Riverrick!

 

[Riverrick]

Somebody ask what DM in D&D meant....so here it is!

Every journey leads to a great reward....or so my Dungeon Master in Dungeons and Dragons says anyways.

Yes, I still play dungeons and dragons. Oh come on it's a great game Riverrick!

That's cool, Screwnutty! And I still play on the Internet. We all play, right?

Besides, your game sounds like it is teaching you some valuable lessons.

 

[spreadeagle]

You say you've searched and searched on the web:

You should be using search terms like 'transexual', 'transgender' and 'transvestite' to find information that is more appropriate to the questions you're asking.

I suggest you contact your nearest Gay Community Centre - you should find their site on the web without too much difficulty - they will have plenty of useful information. You are certainly not alone in your predicament.

 

[New_Secrets]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement and good advice. After spending the last couple of days in kind of a depressed funk, I decided the best thing for me to do is just what everyone said, just pick myself up and be who I am and be proud of it. So that's what I'm gonna (try to) start doing.

You say you've searched and searched on the web:

You should be using search terms like 'transexual', 'transgender' and 'transvestite' to find information that is more appropriate to the questions you're asking.

Actually, I have done extensive research on these subjects trying to find answers, but I still do not believe that I belong in any of these categories. As I said before, I don't really try to pass as a woman, nor do I feel like a "woman trapped in a man's body", I just feel more natural in feminine things... but as a man.

90% of the info I dig up on these terms tells me just what I don't want to hear, that most gay men are not attracted to those with feminine traits. I believe I am somewhat unique, or at least a part of a very small group of men who are happy being men, and enjoy being with other men, but feel more comfortable looking and behaving in this manner.

Anyway, the one thing that p*sses me off is when a guy will say, "I don't want a man who dresses in women's things, I might as well have a woman." I'm like... Excuse me? If that's your attitude, then you might as well jerk-off. I mean, I do have a personality over here. I am fun to be with, loving, caring, funny, and I have feelings too. I also work pretty hard to have a pretty nice {male} body, if I do say so myself.

Again, I do really appreciate everyone's help on this, it really has made me feel a lot better.

I think that Riverrick had a good point that I never had considered when he said

Another thing I've noticed is that gay guys who are effeminate tend to out me by association in public. If they're obviously gay and I'm walking next to them, then I feel self-conscious.

I had never looked at it like that, but I do see how that could push a few buttons for people that don't want them pushed.

Anyway... thanks!

 

[confusedboy23]

I can't add much to this, but just be yourself and do what makes you feel good.

 

[Riverrick]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement and good advice. After spending the last couple of days in kind of a depressed funk, I decided the best thing for me to do is just what everyone said, just pick myself up and be who I am and be proud of it. So that's what I'm gonna (try to) start doing.

Well I've learned a lot from you in these posts, NewSecrets. I love how you describe yourself so matter of factly, how the way you dress is a part of your masculinity. That's something I had never considered before when meeting guys similar to you. Its actually kind of sexy now that I think about it a little and get away from masculine/feminine stereotypes.


You might want to hang around these forums. We all have a lot to learn. And please, do be proud of who you are. I'm already very impressed by you.