Overcoming Shyness & A Reserved Personality

[Zildjian]

Hi guys,

I have a problem, I think. I'm a small framed guy that has a reserved personality coupled with shyness. I do hear stories of smaller/shorter guys that have vibrant personalities, but I am not one of them. So, socially, I'm really invisible - being small AND shy.

As I mentioned in my previous thread, I'm venturing off to some gay bars/clubs in Dallas for the first time with my friend from Boston in a couple of weeks, so I'm wondering how will my personality 'issue' affect having an enjoyable night.

I am sort of depending on a couple of alcoholic drinks to 'break' me a little, but what are some other tactics I can utilize to help me? This would go for not only bars/clubs, but any other social situation.

Thoughts? Advice? I appreciate your help!

-Avedis Zildjian

 

[Bruski-101]

Well the only thing i can tell you is that with time you will stand out as that is the only way to adventure into the world.I MYSELF WAS MUCH AS U described .I've found that in order to change you mustTAKE THAT STEP. It's not easy but worth it.

 

[Eagle653]

I have the same issue. Until you know me, I'm kind of reserved and shy as well.

I guess the extent to which it impacts the evening depends on what your expectations are. And, part of that depends on the types of clubs you're going to. Some are known for being outgoing and friendly, and some are more "stand and pose" types that makes it harder to connect with people.

One of the simplest things to do is make eye contact with people and smile or nod. If they return the gesture, they may be approachable for chit-chat about anything--the weather, the cost of the drinks, the goodness (or not) of the drinks, where are you from? etc.

If they don't return the nonverbal gesture, my experience has been that they aren't approachable and I'd back off.

Fortunately, you'll be with your friend, so hopefully there won't be awkward times when you feel like you're the only one there, staring into space alone, while everyone else is engaged. Is your friend more gregarious? Maybe he won't mind if you stick close by and you can kind of meet/chat with guys simply by being with (or at least near) him.

Good luck!

P.S. My experience has been that more are like us than anything else. If you look around, you'll notice other shy and reserved guys too. But, you have to look because we can fade into the woodwork easily and not be conspicuous. Usually, though, we're grateful when someone takes a risk and makes the first attempt at conversation.

 

[Zildjian]

Fortunately, you'll be with your friend, so hopefully there won't be awkward times when you feel like you're the only one there, staring into space alone, while everyone else is engaged. Is your friend more gregarious? Maybe he won't mind if you stick close by and you can kind of meet/chat with guys simply by being with (or at least near) him.

Well actually, my friend has admitted that he's very shy as well, and doesn't approach guys - he just goes to the bars/clubs to enjoy the music and have a good time. He even told me that he won't leave me standing alone, and that he would be willing to walk up to another guy for me if I wanted...lol.

Again, I'm expecting anything (guy wise) to happen next weekend, just to have a good time. But, I don't want my shy personality to keep anything from happening....

Good luck!

Thanks!

 

[12fear99]

I shy as well. I just take one day at a time. I meet someone who was just as shy as I am and it has been just wonderful. We talk a lot now and enjoy each other very much now. You will succeed.

 

[Zildjian]

Again, I'm expecting anything (guy wise) to happen next weekend, just to have a good time. But, I don't want my shy personality to keep anything from happening....

Pardon me guys. I meant to say that I'm NOT expecting anything to happen next weekend - I'm not setting any expectations.

What happens is what happens. I'm just going to have a good time and possibly make some new friends/acquaintances/contacts.

 

[terrorblade]

I'm usually shy as well, but when the right guy comes up... well, I get a lot braver than I think I am.

 

[hanshansen]

Can't help you with clubs, because I'm too shy to go to them ... (so good on you for going! )

BUT, IN GENERAL, I used to be really, painfully shy (until about a year ago) and I wouldn't call myself that any longer. I have fun at parties and other social events, I find it relatively easy to 'work a room' unless it's a really big crowd, that kind of thing.

Here's some random things that I learned over the past year.

The people you'll want to be around will forgive you your shyness. It was somebody on JUB who said that to me, actually, and it was such an eye-opener. It was the catalyst for everything else. After that I was less scared to approach and open up to people (in my shy way) and they became so, so much friendlier. With all that good feedback, over time I became less shy.

Some people won't forgive you your shyness. You don't want to be friends with those people. (I've tried - it only makes you miserable.)

That applies more generally. Nice people will forgive you your XXXXX. If you don't know about beer, or a type of music, or a certain sport, a lot of people will be happy to help you (though of course it's good to do a little homework). It makes them feel good about themselves. (I'm still learning that.)

The key, I think, is to signal that you're open to and interested in the people you're dealing with. If you put up walls (by anticipating humiliation or alienation) people will notice and be turned off. If you're not a great talker - that's fine, neither am I, at least not always. Find an interesting extrovert and ask them open-ended questions about themselves, their opinions, the state of the world. Chime in when something they say resonates. You'll have a 40-minute conversation, easy.

Believe me, a lot of the time I'm still surprised by this .

 

[G-Lexington]

It's gonna take some practice, so don't sweat it if you remain "mouse-like" your first time (and second time) out. But do practice being a bit more outgoing.

One thing that helps me is to think of my attention as a spotlight. When I get overly shy (and yes, the gargoyle does), I'm technically focusing all my attention on myself. "He wouldn't like ME. These people aren't interested in ME. *I* shouldn't join this conversation." It's a strange sort of selfishness, actually. But when I focus on other people - listen to what they say, and ask appropriate questions - it helps them reveal themselves more fully, and makes them feel better about themselves. And they appreciate that. So keep your focus outwards.

If you're with a guy, and you're not talking, do two things:

1. Find your common ground.
2. Ask questions based on that.

At the bar, your common ground is "we're both at this bar". So use that as your jumping off point. "I've never been here - is it always this crowded on Fridays?" If he says he's never been there before either, you have a new piece of information - run with it. "Really? Are you new in town?" "What else is there to do here in (town) on Fridays?"

Once the first few questions are answered, you should start feeling more comfortable and confident.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Many people are shy. I can't tell you how many gay events I went to, where I made eye contact, but neither of us said anything--but as soon as we see each other in an online chat room, we start chatting away! LOL.

Also, don't think that going to bars is the only way to meet guys. Especially in a huge city like Dallas. Are there gay movie groups? Cooking groups? Outdoors groups? Bowling? Whatever. Those are usually more social and it's easier to start a conversation about the task at hand. And you automatically have a least one common interest.

 

[Zildjian]

Also, don't think that going to bars is the only way to meet guys. Especially in a huge city like Dallas.

I'm not going to meet any guys. If I do meet a guy, then that's fine and 'dandy'. I'm just going to drink a little and socialize - a break from my rather mundane and boring life.