Paranoid African American

[backseatboy]

I know this probably sounds stupid, but I don't know if I should or how to ask my boyfriend to get tested without offending him.

He is my one and only sex partner and we've only had protected sex. But he has tried to top me before without a condom and I'm worried that might have been a habit with his previous partners. However, I know that condoms are very effective and I probably need not worry too much as long as we're safe.

But, I'm African American and I know my boyfriends ex is African American too. I also know that there is a 6x increased chance of contracting HIV in the African American community. All of this combined has me paranoid for him and me. It is also starting to affect my sex life with him.

Am I over reacting?

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

If it is on your mind, get tested. Tell your boyfriend, and ask if he would go and get tested. If he says "no", get tested yourself.

 

[Seasoned]

Ask him to join you getting tested. You need to both have a base line.

 

[lunarus]

Irregardless of his heritage, you two are in a committed relationship, correct? Being as such if he over reacts to your request to get tested so you can move your relationship to the next level then you need to re-evaluate where the two of you are heading.

If he cares anything for you then it should be a non issue and he would be happy to do it.

You also getting tested would show that you care for him also.

I cannot say this enough, a relationship is built on love, trust and communication. The last being one of the most important aspects. Without it, you just have a highly dysfunctional relationship with both parties not knowing what the other wants, needs, expect.

How long have you two been together might I ask?

 

[KaraBulut]

The only question that matters is whether you want to have safer sex. If you do, then that's not a reason to get tested- it won't change the precautions that you take.

You're responsible for your own health and you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into doing something that you do not want to do.

If you haven't been tested, then get tested for your peace of mind.

 

[bankside]

One option for safer sex is condom use. Another option is tested monogamy. There are other options too.

If you are interested in option 2, then tell him you know he's interested too, and you want to get tested.

After 12 years, I know my boyfriend is monogamous. I expect this because that's what we were looking for. I know this because I know where he is. I don't have to check up on him, because any time I have ever called him or got home early, or got home late, he is where he says he will be. I know this also because he doesn't try to hide his cell phone bill from me, or e-mail accounts. I know it because we've argued and fought and tested each other's patience, and when the fight is over, we're waiting to catch up to each other.

If you are expecting monogamy, and you have good evidence of monogamy, then make him the offer: "I'd like some extra freedom with you in the bedroom too, and I think we should just get tested to get it in black and white, and then enjoy the option."

 

[backseatboy]

Thanks for the suggestions. We have been together for 3 months. So not terribly long. Although long for me. I'll set myself up for a test and let him know what I'm doing and ask if he is interested, too. Everyone is right. If we want to progress I'll need to communicate and if he cares for me and the health of the two of us it shouldn't be a problem. Heritage aside.

Thanks!