Parent trap

[TomahawkEagle]

For anyone who's still living at home with their parents at age 26, how do you deal with the parental conflicts especially when your parents still treat you like a kid?

I would love to move out of home but currently am unable to do so because I'm still studying (for a second bachelor's degree) and my cash is just starting to build up. I finish (hopefully) in November this year so I would have an opportunity to evaluate my accommodation by year's end. In Australia, housing affordability is really bad right now. I've taken a look at the prices around my area and the $$$ are through the roof. My current income won't be able to service a mortgage though when I finish my degree, I would hope to qualify for a bigger salary because my current studies are related to my current occupation.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm hopelessly trapped. I'm juggling full time work with part time studies which is getting on my nerves. As I live under my parent's roof, I need to take crap from them (even unreasonably) and abide by their rules. I'm not out to my parents yet but don't think this is related to how I feel. Even if I am straight I would've wanted to leave home earlier.

When I went to uni for the first time back in 2000, I didn't need to leave home because the campus is just 40 minutes away. I also stayed at home when I worked full time (with no study) back in 2004-2005 so I've never left home before. Every time I talk about moving out, my dad mentions all the bills that need to be paid yet I already chip in for that.

 

[nihilis]

For anyone who's still living at home with their parents at age 26, how do you deal with the parental conflicts especially when your parents still treat you like a kid?

Generally, I keep my mouth shut and just do what I want anyway. Parents are always going to be parents, and they're always going to think they know best, even if they don't necessarily. Sometimes the best way to avoid an argument is to not let one happen. Don't fight back unless they're being ridiculous. Do your own thing, stay out of the way, and contribute what you can to the household. They'll see you as more of an adult if you do little things for them to make their lives easier.

I'm 30 and still at home, for almost the exact same reasons you are. I'm getting my PhD, and I took a significant pay cut to go back to school, so I can't live on my own (US housing isn't much cheaper I assure you).

I'm also not out, and it changes daily whether I can actually tell my parents or not. If I wasn't partially dependent on them, I'd have less problem, but for now, I'm sacrificing my dating life for a roof over my head. Make no mistake, I'm grateful that they let me stay here, and they really don't bother me that much, but so long as I'm here, I know living my life to the fullest will be a challenge (though not impossible).

All I can tell you is to try to do what I've been trying to do. Save some money, try to focus on school and friends. I'll bet not being out is affecting things subconsciously, since dating isn't happening and I'm sure you want it to (I know I do). Realize that it's not forever, and things pass and they change faster than we realize. It's going to be ok, and the degree is worth more than the temporary inconvenience you're bearing now.

 

[Homoerectus]

As long as you live under mommy's and daddy's roof, you are obligated to follow their rules. If you feel you are being treated unfairly, discuss it with them. If they still feel their rules are right, you can either move out or live according to their rules. At 26 y/o you should be mature enough to understand this. Your parents are being incredibly nice to support you at your age. Be very nice to them because they must care for you very much.

 

[pausanias_usa]

Enjoy it while it is still possible. Having lived overseas for much of my life, or thousands of miles away, I treasured the opportunity a few years back to spend some time at home. Given my parents age and health, this won't be true much longer.

I also remember how, at first chance, I moved far, far away from my hometown. Ironically, many years later I'm back and it feels more like home than any of the more "exotic and interesting" places I've lived.
Plus, while I don't live at home, I'm glad to be close enough to help out in an emergency; there's a feeling of guilt attached to being far away while your siblings are taking care of the "old folks."

So it's all relative (pardon the pun): at the moment you've had your fill, of course, but later on you may look upon this as a "last great chance" to spend time with your folks.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Frankly, if the situation is bugging you, consider pulling your resources together with another (possibly gay) dude and go into the rent share, if you can afford it.

I always believed that a single, healthy and young dude does not need much to keep going. A small bedroom and a bath with some minimal cooking facilities would do the trick for a year of your freedom and personal fulfillment.

My rule #1 has always been that almost everything in this world has its $$$, €€€, or £££ price, save for my freedom and general well-being. So, consider taking up some expense and possibly some hardship and gain your freedom to call your own shots ASAP. No money in this world can ever give you the joy of being 26 again... Trust me on that one.

Once you move out, try to mend your fences with your old folks. Time passes very quickly and they are mostly gone before you really get to enjoy their love. However, make sure that they understand that you won't be taking any crap from their either.

People always, always try to push their envelope. Once they see that the guy on the other end is not giving in, most agree to stick with the basic fair play and life turns out to be good for everybody.

SC

 

[rareboy]

As I live under my parent's roof, I need to take crap from them (even unreasonably) and abide by their rules.

Yup.

Every time I talk about moving out, my dad mentions all the bills that need to be paid yet I already chip in for that.

Just ignore this nonsense.

Move out and live with some others as soon as you can.

Become an adult.

 

[glorificus]

if money is an issue to move out, what if you organize some friends and all share a rented house?

 

[G-Lexington]

Pretty much, if you're living under their roof, you live by their rules. If that means you have to do the dishes, no phone calls after eight, and be in bed by ten, so be it. If you don't like it, there's the door.

It's just a matter of "opportunity cost". There are advantages and drawbacks to whichever big choice you make. Living with your parents is really cheap, but you're stuck living by their rules, and not being able to live as you please. Living on your own means total freedom, but it's expensive, and the fridge doesn't magically refill, either.

If it's for one more year, decide if it's worth sticking it out. I think it may be. In that case, suck it up, offer to pitch in when you can, save your cash, and look forward to the day when you'll be a poor but happy rodent in your own place, living by your own rules.

Lex

 

[Zingerific]

I had to move back in with my parents for a few years after I had been out of the house, and it was no picnic. My situation seems much better than yours (I was out, I didn't have any rules, it was rent free, and I did date (although my parents always wanted to meet my dates, which was not my favorite thing to do

Basically, even in a perfect situation, living at home is never ideal. They will always be parents. I was there about a year and a half, a year and a half too long. I agree with G-Lexington; you just have to weigh the pros and cons. The longer you stay, the greater the cons will be.

 

[Neji]

Similar situation although I do pitch in and help out as well. Still looking for FT employment etc. It's definitely fun by any means, especially when they're religious

 

[spreadeagle]

I think you just need to grin and bear it till November and try and stay focussed on doing well in your course.

Presumably the completion of the second degree will allow you to improve your earning capacity. Would you be able to seek employment in a different city where the accomodation costs were not so steep? That would have the added advantage of giving you a break from your parents.

Alternatively, once you no longer have to study part-time that will free up more hours that could be used to earn extra income.

Sharing the mortgage cost with friends or flatmates can be a good way to gain a foothold in the property market. Buy something together, take in flatmates to cover costs and improve the property. Make mortgage repayments proportional to your original investments. When the capital value has increased, sell the property, or rent it out, to fund each of you into your own house. There are plenty of free seminars available on property investment.

If your father's mention of the bills is supposed to imply that they couldn't manage financially without you then you need to start paving the way by dropping hints that you'll be moving out. If accomodation is hard to find then your parents should have no trouble finding a paying boarder to replace you and help them with the bills. Or they could capitalise by selling their house and moving to something smaller.

I suggest you make a quite detailed monthly timetable for this year so that you keep your eye on your goal and can see that each day is brinigng it progressively closer.