Perspective

[nihilis]

Hi,
I'm looking for some different points of view on my current situation. I'm 30 and living at home because I can't afford to be out on my own while I'm in grad school. I've never dated, ever. I've also never told anyone I was gay, I've only been able to say it out loud to myself within the past five years or so. I guess I'm a late bloomer to be sure, but being at the age I am in the situation I am puts me in a bit of a quandary. I want to date, I'm open to the idea, and I'm putting myself in the position mentally (and as best I can, physically) to put myself out there after all this time.
I guess my question is this: do I deal with coming out to the family/friends before I start trying to date, or do I wait until I have someone I'm somewhat serious about before I bring the issue up? On the one hand, I don't see the point in bringing it up if it's not relevant (since I'm not dating); and coming out may produce problems for me, at least initially. I say may because I'm not so pessimistic to believe that things will be horrible (but they could), but at the same time it's not going to be a cake walk for anyone around me either (but it could). I pay all my own bills and such, I just can't afford a rent payment, so I'm still dependent on my parents at least partially, since grad school doesn't pay as well as my job did. Worst case: I'm out on the street, so staying in the closet for now makes things easier, at least some aspects. Plus, even if I was straight and dating, my parents wouldn't be in love with the idea of sleepovers and sex under their roof (well, if they knew about it that is).
On the other hand, I'm kinda restless at my age and getting tired of waiting for the right moment to tell everyone. It's causing me some distress not being able to drop the bullshit of being closeted, and I know that openly dating will be much easier if people actually know I'm gay. I could even pursue online dating and such, since I'm not much of a dancer/clubber/frequent bar hopper. Having the issue out of the way will probably make my life a little better in the long run, certainly in the mental health department.
I know that it's going to happen eventually, I'll be out and done with it all. Life will go on and I'll be able to find somebody, etc. I'm just trying to decide if I should wait until I have a guy I love in my corner before I come out or just come out first, then try to find love. Any perspective would be appreciated. As of now, I'm just playing it by ear, but opinions never hurt in these situations. Thanks.

 

[Blacksheep]

It really depends on your parents. It also really depends on you and how well you're holding up (which seems like not that well). Normally I'd recommend staying in the closet as I don't really see the point of jumping out until you're really ready (like a back up plan in case shit hits the fan) (or have someone to jump out for).
Have you ever had a girlfriend? Perhaps your parents already have their suspicions? Coming out also isn't going to be a magic wand. Just because you come out won't suddenly help you find a boyfriend, although I guess it does allow you some more freedoms as you've mentioned.
At the end of the day it's something only you can really work out though. I'd personally make a list of pros and cons and then assess how likely all of them are etc.

 

[tonyboy]

I figure you must be a grad student in philosphy or something along that line.
You have obviously spent much time looking at this thing from all practical angles. Well, how about looking at it from a little less practical angle?
I'm not quite clear on how you figure to meet guys to date whether you delare yourself out or not. How would you do that?
And if you know the answer to that question, I mean if you've a way figured out to meet gay guys to date at this time I'd say go and do that. No need to say your out to anyone yet. Just go out and have some drinks or whatever it is you like to do with your dates.
If you don't have a way to meet other gay guys unless you out yourself.... well then that's what you must do.
I'm obviously not nearly as smart as you are man. But you seem to put the cart before the horse.
If you can meet guys without telling your parents/family that you are gay then do it. If you cannot meet guys withouth telling your friends/family then you must. Are you saying that if you told your friends you were gay they could help you meet guys to date?

I'm not so sure that telling everyone you are gay is the first step you need to make unless you must do that to meet other gay men. Just go out to places, talk to people on jub. Dating for gay guys is much tougher than for straight folk. You will first need to be around gay people.... get to know others. That takes a bit of time. I doubt you are the type of guy to just go for a sexual enounter... I figure you want to have some friends, then get to know someone well enough to date them.

How about the school you go to? Is there an active gay org. there?

 

[nihilis]

Normally I'd recommend staying in the closet as I don't really see the point of jumping out until you're really ready (like a back up plan in case shit hits the fan) (or have someone to jump out for)

.
That's sort of my thought right now. This summer, my car's paid so I'll be more able to be on my own and may start looking for a place to live. It could wait until then I suppose.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Nope, I've known for a long time I'm gay, and just never felt it would be fair to the girl, and I've had a few offers in my life, so it's not a lack of opportunity.

Perhaps your parents already have their suspicions?

One can hope. They must know something, they've lived with me for 30 years, and the lack of a girl (ever) combined with my comments about marriage and kids should at least lead them to suspect. They could just be waiting for me to say it, or they could just be blindsided when I tell them. There's evidence to point to both scenarios.

Coming out also isn't going to be a magic wand. Just because you come out won't suddenly help you find a boyfriend, although I guess it does allow you some more freedoms as you've mentioned.

I know. It's more about not having to channel energy into keeping it a secret anymore. It gets tiresome, as everyone probably realizes at some point.

I figure you must be a grad student in philosphy or something along that line.

Scientist, but I just have had a lot of time to think about this, especially lately.

I'm not quite clear on how you figure to meet guys to date whether you delare yourself out or not. How would you do that?

School, the gym, volunteering, etc. There are a lot of places around here to meet people. I could do the online thing, but that's a little harder in some ways. I also have a friend whom I suspect is in the same boat as me, and we've been having this dance back and forth for a while now. That's not where I'm putting all my hopes though, because if we are in similar situations, he's struggling just like me, plus he's younger so it may take longer for him to figure out what he wants.

I'm obviously not nearly as smart as you are man.

Bullshit.

Are you saying that if you told your friends you were gay they could help you meet guys to date?

Since I have some gay friends, the answer would probably be yes. But I've never asked them so I don't know for sure.

That takes a bit of time. I doubt you are the type of guy to just go for a sexual enounter... I figure you want to have some friends, then get to know someone well enough to date them.

That's true. One night stands, the idea of them, isn't appealing to me. Not that I'd never do it, but at this point I've waited this long, why not wait a little longer for something that means something?

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

[G-Lexington]

How do you feel around your friends? Comfortable, for the most part? Then I'd go ahead and come out, at least to them. I'd just treat it as a matter of fact thing. "My degree is going good, I've got some good friends, but my love life is at level zero. It's about time I got myself out there and tried dating some guys."

As far as your family goes, that's up to you. If your family is "close" - you often tell them about what's going on in your life, what you're feeling, then sure - come out to them, too. If your relationship is a bit...stiffer, a bit more formal, a bit more distant, there's no reason to rush it.

Lex

 

[nihilis]

How do you feel around your friends? Comfortable, for the most part?

Pretty much. I know there are a few people I could tell more easily than others; and, as I said, one of my closest friends may be in the same boat as I am. I get that sense anyway, since there's a lot of hot and cold flirty weirdness mixed with an extremely high tolerance of one another's bullshit going on. My only concern is that my coming out will scare him off, as well as a few other friends. I could be wrong and I know that's the risk we have to take in these situations.

f your family is "close" - you often tell them about what's going on in your life, what you're feeling, then sure - come out to them, too. If your relationship is a bit...stiffer, a bit more formal, a bit more distant, there's no reason to rush it.

I'm living with my parents as I said, and we're pretty open about most things. They seem to drop hints from time to time, almost like they know. Other times, I get the opposite sense. It's weird. Whether I tell them or not, living at home is going to make any kind of dating difficult; it would even if I was straight, since they're pretty traditional in their views.

 

[G-Lexington]

Then I'd go ahead and come out to your friends, at least to start. Take time to deal with any weirdness there - hopefully little or none - before moving on the family. Good luck.

Lex

 

[nihilis]

Then I'd go ahead and come out to your friends, at least to start. Take time to deal with any weirdness there - hopefully little or none - before moving on the family. Good luck.

I have one or two in particular that I'm going to tell first. It's been on the tip of my tongue a couple of times already. I know that forcing myself to obey a deadline will only make things more stressful and that when the right natural moment comes, I'll take it. I have nothing but time, but I have a feeling that before I hit 31, this is going to be resolved for good or for ill.

Don't worry too much about money and grad school, you'll sort that out, even if they disown you and kick you out tonight.

If I didn't have cats to take care of, I'd have no problem living from my car if I had to. I highly doubt that it would come to that, but one never knows.

 

[G-Lexington]

The problem with those "right natural moments" is that they're so damned fleeting. If you're not prepared, if you're not paying attention, if you've got your mouth full of beer at that moment...it's gone. Then you can say, "Well, I'll wait until the next one."

And until you do so, it's tough to move forward. Better to just get it done, methinks...and if youthinks.

Lex

 

[nihilis]

The problem with those "right natural moments" is that they're so damned fleeting. If you're not prepared, if you're not paying attention, if you've got your mouth full of beer at that moment...it's gone. Then you can say, "Well, I'll wait until the next one."

And until you do so, it's tough to move forward. Better to just get it done, methinks...and if youthinks.

I know, and I appreciate the risks of procratination. There was a time, when I was obsessively religious, that I decided I'd live in secret silence forever. I thought I'd just live alone and without telling anyone just to make everyone else happy. Up until about a year ago, I thought that might not be a bad idea. Then I found out that some things are worth taking risks for. This desire to be out is fairly new. I know I don't want to wait forever, but I don't know if I can deal with the mental strain of saying it just yet. It changes from day to day. That's why I posed my original question. Some days I feel like I could just walk up to people, state the facts, and be done with it. Others, like today, I can't even think of the idea of telling anyone without welling up. It's a strange state to be in: knowing the answer to your problem but being afraid to take the step to fix it.

 

[G-Lexington]

Oh, no doubt. I was there. I was at a liberal arts college, and even one of our "group" was gay, and I was scared to tell people. Admittedly, I was less worried about their reaction (I was pretty sure they'd be cool with it, and yes, they were) than with the whole FINALITY of the whole thing. I'd only started entertaining the idea I might be gay twelve months previous. For the first 20 years, I had no clue. What it if was just some sort of phase? Finally, I made the plunge. Life actually sorted itself out quite a bit after that.

Hope you can get to that place soon.

Lex

 

[nihilis]

Hope you can get to that place soon.

Me too. Every day that passes, the idea becomes more and more of a reality. It's just a matter of letting the exhaustion of living like this override the fear, just for a second. Once it's out, it's out.
I think what you mentioned about "finality" is interesting. Once I'm out, I have no excuses anymore as to why I'm single. I have to actually start living my life as a gay man without anything to hide behind. It's almost a naked feeling, and it's a little scary. I've come pretty far, I'm on my way down from over 500 pounds, my social life is increasing, my bad health and low self esteem are decreasing. Having to take responsibility for my relationship status is a scary thought, as well as an exciting one. I guess, as I said, I'll have to see how things pan out. Thanks for the advice, it's been most helpful.