please help me understand

[diane06]

yeah I figured out the message thing.

Last night we talked some....he admitted that the cop offered him a bj and he said no, I don't do that but I'd masterbate for you. Then the cop busted him as he started. He was so humiliated.....I said, GOOD! I know that sounds mean because he is suffering but he brought it on himself. I am suffering too, and I didn't do anything since we married but try to be a good wife, friend and lover to him.
This is the part that you guys might think I am a cold hearted bitch or something, but when he starts telling me all the stuff he's done, its so hard to believe that he'd do stuff like that.......I just keep thinking I am married to a freak, a pervert or something! He said something else last night that made since. He didn't want to masterbate in front of children or women because he'd go to jail and the gay hangouts are the only place he could do that in public and not get reported.

I still want to be assured that he hasn't actually had sex with someone and he said again last night he'd take a polygraph if it helped. I told him I would check into when I went into the city today.

Another question is, do you think fetishes can be cured? I read one article that they escalate. That worries me. He says he can stop himself but I am not sure he can. Yeah right now he can becaue of the humilation of being caught and all but that will be gone soon. Once he goes to court and gets that all behind him will he start feeling compelled to do it again? Can he stop himself? Would counseling help him stop...or "cure" him?

 

[backpacker]

I think the real story is starting to slowly start coming out. He went from peeing in public to masturbating. I don't believe for a second that the cop offered him a bj as that would be entrapment. You are still getting half the truth about what happened that night and probably only half the truth about everything else. You really need to get a copy of the police report and find out what he is actually charged with.

I do think that fetishes can be cured or at least kept in check with counselling. I'm not sure I would call this a fetish, but what it's called isn't really important. Without counselling chances are slim that he can control it on his own. He probably is sincere that he will stop given his current circumstances, but that will pass.

There is a good chance he will have to register as a sex offender. Depending on your state, your neighbors may be notified or you have to put a sign out indicating a registered sex offender lives there. You should investigate to determine what you are dealing with. Maybe he can take a plea bargain to a lesser charge that won't require registration.

Hang in there. As I said before, you entitled to all the feelings you are having. Please don't put added pressure on yourself by judging your emotions. If you happen to be cold to him, then so be it.

 

[Tommyboy69]

I am really suprised noone else has mentioned this--Go to a doctor and get yourself tested for aids and stds!

I don't mean to sound harsh here but.... Remember YOU and YOUR health come first. While working through this with him is important you need to take care of yourself!

 

[Corny]

I just keep thinking I am married to a freak, a pervert or something! He said something else last night that made since. He didn't want to masterbate in front of children or women because he'd go to jail and the gay hangouts are the only place he could do that in public and not get reported.

that makes the suspicion that he is a exhibitionist even more likely. but instead of doing the worst thing - flashing in public - he came to a solution to live out his fetish without harming someone

Another question is, do you think fetishes can be cured? I read one article that they escalate. That worries me. He says he can stop himself but I am not sure he can.

a fetish isn't a disease .. it's just something like a stronger preference. it CAN get problematic if normal sex without the fetish is impossible or others are involved against their will.
you seem to be grossed out by his behaviour, call him a freak etc, he probably knew that before and didn't dare to talk with you about it.
there are certainly ways to outlive exhibitionism without exposure in the total public and getting arrested. talk with him about that - and it seems that you still don't believe him - did you tell him that you would be kinda relieved if you just know that he is gay/bi? there is still the possibility that he is, but maybe he isn't ready to acknowledge that to himself.

 

[Ohiospeedo]

I am really suprised noone else has mentioned this--Go to a doctor and get yourself tested for aids and stds!

I don't mean to sound harsh here but.... Remember YOU and YOUR health come first. While working through this with him is important you need to take care of yourself!

I second this. Get yourself tested. Also make your husband go and get himself tested as well, if he refuses...then don't have any sexual contact with him.

 

[herenthere]

Good Morning Diane, I thought about you all night..

It sounds like you are exploring some different avenues, and that is a good thing.
Even if he is straight or gay there are some definate character issues here. We gay men DO NOT in general hang out around parks, rest stops and other areas that are known to be a meat market. We feel the same as hetro folks and hold the same high standards..When we have a B/f or in a committed relationship we expect and demand that we stay true to one another...thats a given..

The fact that he was even at such a place, I would question his motives..
I totally agree...you must be tested...YOU are your first priority..

I certainly do not mean to make you feel bad, or convey that you are in a position that can not be worked out...We can give you advice and encouragement, but only a trained professional can get to the bottom of this.

Stay strong Diane...and know we are here for you

 

[diane06]

that makes the suspicion that he is a exhibitionist even more likely. but instead of doing the worst thing - flashing in public - he came to a solution to live out his fetish without harming someone
you seem to be grossed out by his behaviour, call him a freak etc, he probably knew that before and didn't dare to talk with you about it.
actually he was doing a bit more than flashing....masterbating to be exact. And yes he said it seemed the best solution without harming someone. But the facts are its against the law to do that. I don't know how he could live out this fantasy/fetish of exibitionist since its illegal. I DID ask him if I would not do? I mean he could do it in front of me......(not sure if that would work for him) He knows and admits that I've always been very open minded when it comes to sex and things considered a little kinky. And yes I called him a freak, I am sorry its how I feel. Look, don't get me wrong....I have nothing against gays, know some, and am related to some. I have friends with gay kids, I am for gay rights, but I don't want to be married to one or even married to a bi. I don't want to be married to anyone that wants someone else besides me....is that so bad? Do I think its freaking or perverted for him to want to jack off in front of gay men when he claims he is not gay and when I find it a kind of emotional cheating? Yes I do. I guess I don't even want to apologise for that. ITs the way I feel and I'm entitled to that feeling. As I said before I am and have always been there for him when it comes to sex, hell I thought many times my drive was stronger than his.....just turns out he was takin' care of himself

and it seems that you still don't believe him - did you tell him that you would be kinda relieved if you just know that he is gay/bi? there is still the possibility that he is, but maybe he isn't ready to acknowledge that to himself.
no, I don't believe him entirely. Part of me does and wants to but there will always be that doubt. If I tell him I would be relieved just to know the truth if he is gay/bi or not, I guess that would not be lying, because at least I'd know.. But as I said earlier I have no wish to be married to a gay person. Would you want to be married to a straight person if you were gay? Same thing. It seems to me that at his age, 49, he should know if he is or not.

I told him I wanted him to get tested for HIV, he said he would but it wasn't necessary, but to make me feel better he would. I guess I should include the other test too. God I hate this.
Thanks again for all your help and advice. I rarely proof read when I post on boards and have a bad habit of typing too fast or my brain is not working right with my fingers so please forgive any mistakes, typos and blatant bad grammar. I have an appointment now so I have to run into the city.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Last night we talked some....he admitted that the cop offered him a bj and he said no, I don't do that but I'd masterbate for you. Then the cop busted him as he started. He was so humiliated.....I said, GOOD! I know that sounds mean because he is suffering but he brought it on himself.

Yeah, I'll second Vet here. No cop would ever offer a BJ (unless, of course, he wasn't there for a sting operation). That's entrapment of the first order.

>>>This is the part that you guys might think I am a cold hearted bitch or something, but when he starts telling me all the stuff he's done, its so hard to believe that he'd do stuff like that.......I just keep thinking I am married to a freak, a pervert or something!

No, I don't think you cold-hearted. You just found out that the man you've been married to for over a decade isn't the guy you thought he was. You probably thought you knew pretty much everything about him, but you found there was not only a hidden fire, but a hidden blaze. That's enough to warp anyone's perception of someone.

I don't like speaking for the group, but I wouldn't be surprised if others here felt the same way as me. My bone of contention isn't with what your husband did per se. I mean, all of us here obviously like guys, and some of us have gone cruising in parks and what not. My problem is that he did this WHILE MARRIED TO YOU. He broke (what I see as) a sacred trust between you two. This is where the problem lies.

Or, to put it another way, I like straight guys OK, but I don't want to be partnered with one.

>>>I still want to be assured that he hasn't actually had sex with someone and he said again last night he'd take a polygraph if it helped. I told him I would check into when I went into the city today.

I don't know if they offer this sort of service to the public. And even polygraph tests aren't 100% reliable. I'm with the other folks here. Do see a doctor. You won't have to tell him the entire story. Just tell him there's a chance you were exposed to STDs, and you'd like to get tested to be on the safe side.

>>>Another question is, do you think fetishes can be cured? I read one article that they escalate. That worries me. He says he can stop himself but I am not sure he can. Yeah right now he can becaue of the humilation of being caught and all but that will be gone soon. Once he goes to court and gets that all behind him will he start feeling compelled to do it again? Can he stop himself? Would counseling help him stop...or "cure" him?

Assuming everything he told you is correct, can it be "cured"? Not entirely, I don't think. He may always have these "urges". But although we can't control our thoughts, we can control our actions. Counseling will probably be able to channel his sexual fetish into something more sociably acceptable.

Good luck.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Diane--I'm glad you posted this here. I am sorry that you're having to go through this as I imagine how confusing this is, and how scary too.

If I could offer some thoughts.

First, it would be really good if he saw a therapist--alone, at least initially. He really needs to understand what's going on inside his head. There are several likely scenarios. One, he's an exhibitionist. If that's the case, then why did he choose to exhibit and masturbate in front of men? With all the stings going on in public parks, it makes it very risky. You take the risk because you're compulsed to do so. So, what's really going on here? Is there a deep-seated gay fantasy going on--perhaps unconscious even to him--or does he have his compulsion twisted around such that if he does it with men, it's not cheating on you because he wasn't with a woman? That needs to be sorted out.

Second scenario could be he's bi or gay and is deeply closeted. He could be so embarrassed, ashamed, mortified or fearful of it that he can't bring himself to admit it even to himself, let alone you. A good therapist can, in time, untangle this and drill down into his psychie and unearth this if it's there.

The fact that he admits to crying all the way home afterward is telling. He perceives that what he's done is wrong, and something to be ashamed of--yet continues to do it. This compulsion needs to be dealt with openly and honestly between him and a therapist. Doing so will relieve the compulsive aspect of it and contain the behavior.

The third possible scenario is what he says at his word, namely, that this is a quirky little fetish of his that he doesn't feel real comfortable with, but is basically harmless in the large scheme of things of life. And, what he's so upset now about is that he got caught and has some legal problems and having these terribly embarrassing, humiliating, and mortifying conversations with you and your doubting his straightness and masculinity.

If it is this scenario, he would need to understand that this kind of behavior, in public, is frowned upon and doing it where gays cruise for public sex (i.e. a public park like that) can lead to all sorts of charges, assumptions, or trouble. If he has this quirk or fetish, he needs to learn to channel it properly and legally, although, off hand, I'm not sure how that's done.

To be really honest with you, Diane, I think he's scared and I also think there's a pretty good likelihood that he's dealing with more than exhibitionists tendencies. Some straight men are exhibitionists too, and while they might parade around the locker room with no towel to "advertise the goods" in a bragging-rite to other guys, they would not masturbate in front of other men, nor watch them do so.

If he does have some male attractions, they are probably pretty deep-seated and not something that he's going to readily admit to--perhaps even to himself. He fears your reaction, losing his marriage and kids, and perhaps losing his career. Right now, he sees his whole world, and everything he really values, threatened. He's going to protest and deny as long as he can.

Assuming you get him into therapy, and he has some private sessions, then you need to be there for joint sessions. He needs to understand your feelings and how this is impacting you. Then, together, you need to decide where you go, but doing so calmly, not in panic, and under the guidance of a professional therapist. Try to pick one that specializes in these issues, if you can.

Lastly, jumping way way ahead, let's say it comes out that he has attractions to males too. That's not necessarily the end of the world for anyone, nor even your marriage. There are many men who are out to their wives and they make it work, especially if the marriage is strong, there is genuine love between parties, and there remains trust. The bottom line is that this personal decision is yours and his alone...do your best to keep "well meaning" friends, family, and even the therapist out of that part. Once you make up your minds, hold your head high and go forward and don't let anyone second-guess you.

Good luck. Keep in touch with us and let us know what's happening.

 

[luminum]

I think fetishes get out of control when they're not being addressed. So no, I don't think they can be cured and I don't think they need to be cured so long as they're being expressed in a healthy, stress-free way. That being said, him going around and jacking off for other guys probably isn't indicative of his fetishes being explored in a healthy way.

Again, my advice is that while he probably can't be made to NOT find exhibitionism erotic, much like you probably couldn't be made to no longer like any of your own specific turn ons), going to a counselor and finding ways to address his sexual urges (such as possibly having him be exhibitionist in front of you, or role-playing in the bedroom) might quell the urge and stop him from doing illegal things. It's like quenching thirst. You can either take sips when you feel a little thirsty, or deny yourself any beverage until you become so parched that you down an entire pitcher of water.

As well, bear in mind that as one perspective, sex is just sex. In the end, though he's jerking off in front of some men, it may only be to satiate an odd fetish of his but is in no way an emotional act of infidelity on his part. It doesn't excuse what he did, nor does it mean he should continue without your consent, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he wants anyone other than you.