Please... I need some advice on what I found recently

[DaChefboi]

Hello all...

It's been awhile since I last posted. I'm here right now, because I need some much-needed advice... A few days ago I met up with my boyfriend to get lunch (which we always do) and decided to go over to his place to meet up.

So, I got there a few minutes later since we live so close, and hopped on the computer to check on some email I've been expecting from the past couple days. I guess he didn't realize to log out of a online hook-up site, and before I could check my email that's all my attention was focused on. I confronted him about it shortly afterward (I didn't want to bring it up right away to avoid an awkward situation) and he told me it was only to message a friend of his. Now, this is somewhat a long story in itself, but essentially he was concerned and decided to message him to get tested for HIV. Of course, I was worried that he was going behind my back at this point. After him telling me this, my worry was over and we had a fantastic afternoon and an amazing Thursday. Now, cut to Friday...

Today I decided to go back home after class, but before heading out I decided (out of curiosity) to log onto Adam4Adam (this is how we met). But... I didn't log in with my username and password. Quite honestly, I didn't know his password for his adam4adam account, but I didn't remember his password in order to log in to his computer. I decided to wing it, and lo-and-behold I was able to log in with his account. I didn't expect to log in.

Now, what I found is simply killing me at this moment. I found several messages that correspond to sex. One was about if he's interested in a 3some, and he said of course. I mean... I'm simply distraught right now. I can't think at all. I want to confront him with this information I found, but I don't know how to approach it. I'm simply numb. I'm thinking about going back tomorrow and meeting up with him to talk it out, but I don't know how to start the conversation.

I essentially panicked after finding these messages. I had 30 minutes before my first class started, and decided to ask him if he could drive me to class. He said yes, and while in the car with him I asked him several things.

"Are we in a committed relationship at this point in time?"

he said yes in a lovey-dovey way.

I then got to the point of discussing online hook-up sites, and I basically said what's the point of logging in since we're together. Before we could have a conversation about it it was time to drop me off at my first class. I don't want to talk about it over the phone, and that's why I'm so adamant about going back tomorrow. I can't tell him that I'm doing great over the phone, because I'm not. I can't act like I'm doing fine when I'm not.

*sigh* I'm so depressed about this whole situation.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't think you play cat and mouse or wait for a confession. You tell him what you know. He'll ask how you know and should answer truthfully that you've been snooping. Maybe he's hooked up. Maybe he's just missing the chase. It's time for ground rules you both can live with. Whatever you do do not becme a spy. Co-dependency is not pretty.

 

[TX-Beau]

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been together?

What's your relationship like aside from the problem?

Had you ever discussed exclusivity before you asked?

 

[KaraBulut]

You went there. You looked.

Now you know.

There's several very similar threads on the forum about this issue- trust.

He lied. He'll lie again.

Be thankful you found out now.

Now leave him and don't look back.

 

[G-Lexington]

Amazing how many people somehow get on their boyfriend's computer, and somehow find all this information. We may need a separate section for these questions.

Your boyfriend is doing stuff behind your back. It might be talking, it might be camming, it might be barebacking. It's up to you what to do now. Personally, I DTMFA.

Lex

 

[hylas]

the fact that he was talking about being interested in casual sex on the web doesnt necessarily mean that he is actually interested in having casual sex. i think we all know how many flakes there are on these websites. he could just be getting off on pretendeing.

but thats not the real issue here. hes keeping secrets and hes lying, and if i were you id dump him. also, if i were him id dump you: you had no right to snoop like that. bottom line: you two dont seem to be a good match. sorry.

 

[yourally]

Good advice given already...

Be prepared though that he'll be at least annoyed that you were snooping. Trust makes a relationship work.

 

[rareboy]

It is over.

Get out while you still have your dignity and there can be some semblance of civility.

Find yourself a guy who won't cheat.

Adam4Adam may not be the best place to look.

 

[racer2438]

Amazing how many people somehow get on their boyfriend's computer, and somehow find all this information. We may need a separate section for these questions.

Your boyfriend is doing stuff behind your back. It might be talking, it might be camming, it might be barebacking. It's up to you what to do now. Personally, I DTMFA.

Lex

I will add that you some how with all possible number and letter combinations you just happened to hit on what his pass word was. 1 in a million yet you did find it. Rather odd.

you beeter go get a lottery ticket then if your that lucky.

And I would dump him and move on to someone else that respects you and saty out of there computor, being snoopy is not pretty.

 

[DaChefboi]

thanks guys for the advice. I was able to talk it out with him, and everything seems fine now... I'll add details later, but it wasn't pretty - for me anyways. I mean... I'm an emotional guy, but I rarely break down. Total sob fest. Thanks again everyone.

 

[BRIOHAZARD]

Ooooh, this reminds me of when I broke up with my boyfriend.


Long story short, my [now ex]boyfriends room mate said that they had messed around. I didn't believe him at first, so I asked him questions about my boyfriend, what was he like, how did he do this, what did his penis look like, how did he cum, ect...
He was able to describe everything about him to a T.
After learning this, I found out he had a profile on a gay website, which said he was single and looking for sex.
I created a fake profile and messaged him pretty much saying I was interested. He responded very flirtatious like. I asked him, very sexually, if he'd like to meet up sometime, and he said yeah.

I confronted him, he denied it. I eventually got him to fess up, and broke up with him.




Hope your boyfriend isn't cheating.

 

[DaChefboi]

Ooooh, this reminds me of when I broke up with my boyfriend.


Long story short, my [now ex]boyfriends room mate said that they had messed around. I didn't believe him at first, so I asked him questions about my boyfriend, what was he like, how did he do this, what did his penis look like, how did he cum, ect...
He was able to describe everything about him to a T.
After learning this, I found out he had a profile on a gay website, which said he was single and looking for sex.
I created a fake profile and messaged him pretty much saying I was interested. He responded very flirtatious like. I asked him, very sexually, if he'd like to meet up sometime, and he said yeah.

I confronted him, he denied it. I eventually got him to fess up, and broke up with him.




Hope your boyfriend isn't cheating.

Sorry to hear that Briohazard. I would hate to be in the exact same situation you were in. Hopefully the relationship I have right now will not lead to that.

It's been a fews days now since Friday, and me and my boyfriend are on good terms now. Everything seems fine, but I can't help but feel a little paranoid that it could happen again in the future. I don't think it will judging from the talk we had, but sometimes I have the urge to check around.... as in snoop. I haven't done it since then, and I hate the idea of doing it at all in the future.

Do you guys think it would be better to talk about this again in person? Mind you our talk happened over the phone since I was away at home at the time. At first I wanted it to be in person, but it would have ate away at me over the course of the weekend, and he was too curious to know what was on my mind.

NOTE: I did get to meet up with him Sunday, but I felt it would have been too awkward to bring it up right away since the phone talk.

I think I should have brought it up again - at least in a light manner. I think once we meet up again in the near future, I want to discuss how trust on both sides of the relationship were fractured, and that it will take time for that trust to build up again. I like...love this guy too much to end it so quickly. We are always happy together if you're wondering. It's not a chaotic mess at all. We have so much in common, and I bring a lot to the table. We have sexual chemistry, so basically we're good to go for a healthy relationship.

I guess if you're interested why he went online to answer/message those people was a last act of independence from the single world, and that he wouldn't miss anything from it since he's with me. He told me right away that he would not have went through with the messages at all (as in go out and do it) and would feel ashamed and heart-broken if he had gone through with it with constant reassurance. He sounded 100% truthful and sincere when he had said this, and I believe it whole-heartedly. He hasn't been in a relationship for over two years, and being back in one was a big step from his last one.

Anyways, the whole point of this thread was to vent and recieve some feedback from you guys, and I appreciate it. I'm... in love with this guy, and I can't see it any other way. I know he feels the same, and I don't want a minor road bump to hinder our travels together. I do feel I need to lightly bring this up again the next time we meet for my sake, and mention how trust on both sides were broken. Honestly, typing this up right now has been therapeutic for me.

Here's to a good and honest future...

 

[Lube]

I'd DTMFA.

you two dont seem to be a good match. sorry.

It is over.

I would dump him

thanks guys for the advice. I was able to talk it out with him, and everything seems fine now... Thanks again everyone.

You seem to be completely in denial about the advice that was given.

 

[G-Lexington]

We don't order - we advise.

Lex

 

[Lube]

We don't order - we advise.

Lex

Of course, but it was so weird how he acted as if it didn't exist.

I can smell denial 1,000,000 miles away. Mostly because I was so good at it.

 

[G-Lexington]

Yeah, I've noticed that about you.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Did you say something?

 

[hotatlboi]

I will add that you some how with all possible number and letter combinations you just happened to hit on what his pass word was. 1 in a million yet you did find it. Rather odd.

He probably had a cookie saved. so he didn't even need to know his password.

 

[DaChefboi]

He probably had a cookie saved. so he didn't even need to know his password.

nah, I just used the password he used in order to log into his computer. I had in no way knowing that was the password he used while logging into A4A. Anyways, the whole issue I had is now over with. I know some of you are probably thinking why I even bothered posting in the first place, and I'll sorta agree with this. I posted, because I needed to vent and say what was on my mind. I've never been in this situation before, and I can never imagine leaving behind the relationship I built up and nurtured for the past couple months. I wasn't about to throw away what we had without talking about it first.

Communication is so essential... and I can't imagine anything would have worked if I had kept it inside instead of saying what's on my mind. I'm happy to say that things are going strong now, but I'm sure half of you don't care at this point while skimming through the replies.

 

[ericwhitney]

It is over.

Adam4Adam may not be the best place to look.

My favorite detail of his story. glad you picked up on it.