Post Breakup: Friends or Cutoff Completely?

[rjmrjm21]

What determines whether or not you will remain friends with your ex or just cutoff all contact? Are gay relationships different than straight relationships?

 

[bankside]

I try not to be confused about how I relate to people. If I think they might be a good friend, that's usually how I like to pursue the connection.

When I met my guy, I thought he might make a good husband. I couldn't have known for sure of course, but I wanted to find out. (anyone mention Savage Garden and i won't be held responsible for my actions.)

Anyway, the thing is, I get a pretty good sense up front of how I can build a connection with someone. If it doesn't work out, I don't see much point in trying to force it. In other words, if we don't fit together, I'd rather we leave each other in peace than try to fit together awkwardly.

 

[rjmrjm21]

Right Bankside, but isn't that what friends are, people who aren't exactly a fit for a relationship? You must have liked an ex at one point as more than a friend, so what determines your futures?

 

[Orlandude]

I think it entirely depends on the two people involved. Sometimes you can sustain a friendship beyond the relationship. I've had a relationship where we were much better off as just friends...and we still have that friendship. Other times, it's just best to move on. At times, irreconciliable differences affect each of your belief systems that will never change. If that's the case, cutting the cord and moving on is the best course. Be glad for what you had but staying together would be too destructive and trying to remain friends would be a pointless point of a senseless situation.

A relationship has to work for both parties. It has to "fit". The circumstances of the breakup have a lot to do with the outcome.

 

[HunterM]

It depends whether or not you still have feelings for him. Do you wish you two are still together (but he does not)? If so, you should completely cut off contact...so you could move on and begin to heal yourself emotionally and mentally.

After a year, then you could contact him back as a friend.

 

[bankside]

Right Bankside, but isn't that what friends are, people who aren't exactly a fit for a relationship? You must have liked an ex at one point as more than a friend, so what determines your futures?

No, to me a friend is not "almost close enough" for a relationship. They're different categories entirely. Like if I had a mechanic that wasn't working out because my car was still broken after I took it in, I wouldn't say "Listen this just isn't working. But I'd like you to be my tailor instead. Can you re-hem these pants?"

If it doesn't work out the way I'd hope, there isn't usually a second-best option. If I'm wrong about the person, it doesn't mean I was wrong about the relationship, it means I was wrong about the person. To me when it's irrelevant to continue exploring a relationship with someone, it probably means a friendship is pointless too: we're just on different paths.

And if a friendship is working out well, then trying to turn it into a relationship is probably pointless unless that spark was there from the start.

 

[justsimon]

It depends …

One of my best friends is an ex, but our relationship was very casual and only lasted a few months.

I'm just now getting to the point of being friends with another ex who I lived with for about two years. It's been several years since we broke up and we've both completely moved on at this point.

At the same time, the friend thing is not working with my most recent ex because I'm still in love with her and she still has feelings for me.

 

[rjmrjm21]

Thanks guys, 'preciate the feedback.