Post-Coming Out Mom Problems

[Esquire0399]

Hey guys, so since coming to terms with a sexuality about a year and a half ago life has been much less stressful than it had been prior. I started coming out right around that time (very, very slowly) and generally I've had positive experiences. In my mom's case, however, it's been less positive and more... confusing I guess.

About 10 months ago, I decided to come out to my mom. I have to admit that I did so in one of the worst ways possible, in the midst of quite literally the worst argument we've ever had and probably will ever have. Interestingly enough, me telling her that I'm gay actually halted the argument in its tracks and she instantly turned into her normal comforting self, trying her absolute best to understand how I was feeling. After discussing things for about an hour we left it alone and she said that we would talk about it more later. While we never actually did discuss it again, I was frankly okay with that just because I know it would be incredibly awkward all over again. Unfortunately I think this decision to not acknowledge my sexuality again backfired a bit and herein lies the problem.

To understand my situation it helps that you understand the kind of person my mom is. My mom has always been the type of person that will do anything to ensure that she fits into the status quo at all times, no matter what. That means anything that society might consider less than typical or normal she wants nothing to do with. Sadly for me, her point of view of "either fit in with societal norms or be considered weird and unacceptable" have been forced upon me. Basically, she's the type of person who did not understand why I wasn't one of the popular kids in high school or why I don't want to dress like the idiots in my hometown or why I don't like the same music as everyone else. That was incredibly hard to deal with growing up, feeling as though I was disappointing by being my own person and not who she wanted me to be. Almost like a feeling of inadequacy at times, the one enormous detractor from an otherwise very fortunate childhood.

So here's the problem I'm facing. Almost every single day she makes some comment pertaining to some unnamed future wife of mine, or some random girl she thinks I should date, or asks what kind of girls I like, or, worst of all, makes negative comments about other gay men directly to me as though I'm supposed to agree with her, thereby insulting me in the process. Based on this, I am very unsure what's going on in her head with regard to me being gay. I imagine it's one of three things:

1) She forgets my coming out to her
2) She doesn't and never did believe I really am gay
3) She's in denial

Personally, I tend to go with #3, that she's in denial about my homosexuality and is doing her best to convince herself that I will end up with a girl at some point. If this is the case I have no doubt it's due to her obsession with me being seen as nothing but "normal" according to society's standard, and she does not view gay as normal just yet. I also imagine that it might be confusing to her that I do not exude "gayness" and am not stereotypically flamboyant. In her eyes if you're gay, you're basically a woman with a penis.

This whole thing is killing me because I don't think she has any idea how much it hurts me that she is either pretending my homosexuality is not there or didn't find it important enough to listen the first time around. It brings back that painful feeling of inadequacy that I mentioned before.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation and I need help. I want to know what you guys think is going on in her head and how you would suggest I deal with it. The last thing I want to do is go through coming out to her again as it was hard enough the first (not to mention I still have to come out to my dad on top of that). Any advice is appreciated. Thanks guys!

 

[hotatlboi]

I think it's a combination of #2 and #3. She might think it was 'just a phase' or she might not be willing to accept it. But either way it was only spoken of once and so she just wants to pretend it never happened and that that isn't the case.

As for what to do? Well that's easy. Since you've already taken the step of coming out, it really should not be that hard to tell her exactly what you said in your post. Just remind her that you are gay and that you wish she would not make those kind of remarks since they are hurtful.

The topic clearly needs to be brought up again.

 

[Nomenclature]

3) She's in denial

DINDDINGDINGDINGDING! Correct answer.


She'll go through many of the steps of grieving before she ever accepts it.

 

[hotatlboi]

She'll go through many of the steps of grieving before she ever accepts it.

And the fact that it was only brought up once, and in an argument, has let her stay on the first one.

 

[Seasoned]

You're partnered and she's in denial? I'm going to assume that she doesn't know that you have one. Who does she think he is? It's time for a calm talk with her.

 

[rareboy]

Yeah.

I'm puzzled.

Haven't you ever just brought your partner/boyfriend home with you?

That'll shut her up.

 

[Eagle653]

You're problem is all too common, unfortunately.

I, too, think it's a combination of #2 and #3, but instead of her not believing you're gay, it's that she doesn't want you to be. Somehow, she has it twisted in her mind that she can "will" you to be straight--or "mainstream."

Her whole mentality of wanting herself, and everyone she cares about, to "fit in" and be "mainstream" is really her problem and one that she really needs some help with. Whether you can (or should, as her son) nurture her along with that rigid-thinking, I don't know. It would depend on a lot of things like your relationship, how deeply those thoughts are entrenched, and how willing she is to change and broaden her horizons.

The fact of the matter, though, is that you DO fit into a culture in your own way. It may not be her culture, or the one she'd love for you to embrace, but I'm sure you have a circle of friends in which you are the norm and do just fine.

Here's a line in the sand for you to draw for yourself, and her, if it's helpful. First, as a mother, she probably wants you to be happy and have few difficulties (I know, sometimes life is difficult and we're not happy, but mothers are just like that). So, show her that you're happy with your own skin and are fulfilled and look forward to leading life. Prove to her that being gay is not paralyzing you, nor making you a freak who's shunned by society. Second, don't let those random comments about finding a girl, and whatnot, pass. She's testing the waters seeing if there's a crack in your gay armor. Politely, and with a smile, say "Now, mom, you know I'm not that kind of boy" or something disarming.

Third, if her wanting you to fit in is to save her from what she considers an embarrassment to her friends, social circle, or her own culture, then that really is her problem that she must deal with in her own way. DON'T own that problem or you'll drive yourself nuts. That really is HER issue to deal with, and she'll figure out a way. Mothers have for centuries.

Good luck!

 

[lunarus]

...
3) She's in denial

...
This whole thing is killing me because I don't think she has any idea how much it hurts me that she is either pretending my homosexuality is not there or didn't find it important enough to listen the first time around. It brings back that painful feeling of inadequacy that I mentioned before.

...

Next time she says something that hurts you tell her so. It has almost been a year and something really needs to sink in here.

I am not saying be mean or snarky to her, just say "hey mom you know when you say things like that you really hurt my feelings. I don't say things to hurt you, why you gotta do it to me?"

Second live your life for yourself and your partner now. Trying to live up to her or societies standards will GET YOU NO WHERE! You will not come out on top with that view point.

BE proud you wanted to be different growing up and not a tool of trends. Hell I applaud you for that.

If she continues then stop contact for a bit. I mean it. Nothing says "you need to listen and understand how badly you make me feel." than a bit of an absence. It may be hard but she has to understand that you are a person with your own opinions, feeling, thoughts and ideas. Someone that deserves to be treated with respect and kindness that unfortunately the outside world will not have for you at times. She is your mother and should love you for you and really only want the best for you. And that should include you being gay and having a loving man by your side.

And fail all of this and she continues ask her if there is Alzheimer in the family or does she just have selective memory?

In the end it boils down to your own health and well being, not her's. She will either deal with it or not. How you deal with that is what will decide how well you live your life.

Be happy, be healthy, laugh, love and be yourself.

Lunar

 

[slnattak]

I had similiar issues with my mom but she is coming around. Give her time to understand. However, if she won't try to understand at all... then you might reconsider if it's worth it to have her acceptance. My mom and I really don't subjectively mesh that well anyway, and sometimes I have to tell myself that I don't need her approval to know my worth, but I understand that it hurts when our own parents won't love us for who we are.

She's probably worried about you, because even if you are masculine, some people obviously look down on gays and treat them worse.

Mention PFLAG to her as well, there are a lot of organizations and support groups to bridge the perceived gap between straights and gays.

 

[slnattak]

In the end it boils down to your own health and well being, not her's.

I agree that self-confidence is the most important thing, but everybody wants to feel understood and listened by another soul. It's human nature, and very caring. Otherwise we get lost in our own narcissistic mess trying to make everything right.

Being rejected by your own mother flat-out hurts, as you came out of her. However, this hurt can be healed over time. I think she will come around with support, education, and understanding. There's really no exact 'text book' way to come out of the closet. It's an individual process.

 

[88Jockstraps]

Hey guys, so since coming to terms with a sexuality about a year and a half ago life has been much less stressful than it had been prior. I started coming out right around that time (very, very slowly) and generally I've had positive experiences. In my mom's case, however, it's been less positive and more... confusing I guess.

About 10 months ago, I decided to come out to my mom. I have to admit that I did so in one of the worst ways possible, in the midst of quite literally the worst argument we've ever had and probably will ever have. Interestingly enough, me telling her that I'm gay actually halted the argument in its tracks and she instantly turned into her normal comforting self, trying her absolute best to understand how I was feeling. After discussing things for about an hour we left it alone and she said that we would talk about it more later. While we never actually did discuss it again, I was frankly okay with that just because I know it would be incredibly awkward all over again. Unfortunately I think this decision to not acknowledge my sexuality again backfired a bit and herein lies the problem.

To understand my situation it helps that you understand the kind of person my mom is. My mom has always been the type of person that will do anything to ensure that she fits into the status quo at all times, no matter what. That means anything that society might consider less than typical or normal she wants nothing to do with. Sadly for me, her point of view of "either fit in with societal norms or be considered weird and unacceptable" have been forced upon me. Basically, she's the type of person who did not understand why I wasn't one of the popular kids in high school or why I don't want to dress like the idiots in my hometown or why I don't like the same music as everyone else. That was incredibly hard to deal with growing up, feeling as though I was disappointing by being my own person and not who she wanted me to be. Almost like a feeling of inadequacy at times, the one enormous detractor from an otherwise very fortunate childhood.

So here's the problem I'm facing. Almost every single day she makes some comment pertaining to some unnamed future wife of mine, or some random girl she thinks I should date, or asks what kind of girls I like, or, worst of all, makes negative comments about other gay men directly to me as though I'm supposed to agree with her, thereby insulting me in the process. Based on this, I am very unsure what's going on in her head with regard to me being gay. I imagine it's one of three things:

1) She forgets my coming out to her
2) She doesn't and never did believe I really am gay
3) She's in denial

Personally, I tend to go with #3, that she's in denial about my homosexuality and is doing her best to convince herself that I will end up with a girl at some point. If this is the case I have no doubt it's due to her obsession with me being seen as nothing but "normal" according to society's standard, and she does not view gay as normal just yet. I also imagine that it might be confusing to her that I do not exude "gayness" and am not stereotypically flamboyant. In her eyes if you're gay, you're basically a woman with a penis.

This whole thing is killing me because I don't think she has any idea how much it hurts me that she is either pretending my homosexuality is not there or didn't find it important enough to listen the first time around. It brings back that painful feeling of inadequacy that I mentioned before.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation and I need help. I want to know what you guys think is going on in her head and how you would suggest I deal with it. The last thing I want to do is go through coming out to her again as it was hard enough the first (not to mention I still have to come out to my dad on top of that). Any advice is appreciated. Thanks guys!

Don't reject her right away. Give her time. Who knows, she might come around some day.

 

[Esquire0399]

Thanks for all the advice so far guys! You always know how to help.

You're problem is all too common, unfortunately.

I, too, think it's a combination of #2 and #3, but instead of her not believing you're gay, it's that she doesn't want you to be. Somehow, she has it twisted in her mind that she can "will" you to be straight--or "mainstream."

Her whole mentality of wanting herself, and everyone she cares about, to "fit in" and be "mainstream" is really her problem and one that she really needs some help with. Whether you can (or should, as her son) nurture her along with that rigid-thinking, I don't know. It would depend on a lot of things like your relationship, how deeply those thoughts are entrenched, and how willing she is to change and broaden her horizons.

The fact of the matter, though, is that you DO fit into a culture in your own way. It may not be her culture, or the one she'd love for you to embrace, but I'm sure you have a circle of friends in which you are the norm and do just fine.

Here's a line in the sand for you to draw for yourself, and her, if it's helpful. First, as a mother, she probably wants you to be happy and have few difficulties (I know, sometimes life is difficult and we're not happy, but mothers are just like that). So, show her that you're happy with your own skin and are fulfilled and look forward to leading life. Prove to her that being gay is not paralyzing you, nor making you a freak who's shunned by society. Second, don't let those random comments about finding a girl, and whatnot, pass. She's testing the waters seeing if there's a crack in your gay armor. Politely, and with a smile, say "Now, mom, you know I'm not that kind of boy" or something disarming.

Third, if her wanting you to fit in is to save her from what she considers an embarrassment to her friends, social circle, or her own culture, then that really is her problem that she must deal with in her own way. DON'T own that problem or you'll drive yourself nuts. That really is HER issue to deal with, and she'll figure out a way. Mothers have for centuries.

Good luck!

I agree wholeheartedly that my mom has a problem and, in fact, my calling her on this problem was the source for the argument that led to my coming out to her in the first place. Sadly she is unwilling to accept that she is what she is: judgmental and closed-minded. I do have to make clear though that the way she is is very heavily related to some negative experiences during her childhood so I can't fault her entirely for that. That said, I can't keep using that excuse for her actions. You're absolutely right that I need to just show her that I am not, and will not be, any different as a gay man than I was when she thought I was straight. If she still can't deal with that and love me as I am, then she has much bigger problems. Thanks Eagle!

 

[Esquire0399]

Next time she says something that hurts you tell her so. It has almost been a year and something really needs to sink in here.

I am not saying be mean or snarky to her, just say "hey mom you know when you say things like that you really hurt my feelings. I don't say things to hurt you, why you gotta do it to me?"

Second live your life for yourself and your partner now. Trying to live up to her or societies standards will GET YOU NO WHERE! You will not come out on top with that view point.

BE proud you wanted to be different growing up and not a tool of trends. Hell I applaud you for that.

If she continues then stop contact for a bit. I mean it. Nothing says "you need to listen and understand how badly you make me feel." than a bit of an absence. It may be hard but she has to understand that you are a person with your own opinions, feeling, thoughts and ideas. Someone that deserves to be treated with respect and kindness that unfortunately the outside world will not have for you at times. She is your mother and should love you for you and really only want the best for you. And that should include you being gay and having a loving man by your side.

And fail all of this and she continues ask her if there is Alzheimer in the family or does she just have selective memory?

In the end it boils down to your own health and well being, not her's. She will either deal with it or not. How you deal with that is what will decide how well you live your life.

Be happy, be healthy, laugh, love and be yourself.

Lunar

Thanks for your words. The biggest cause of conflict between me and my mom throughout my life has always been our opposing points of view on life. She's more "fit in or get out," whereas I've always been "be yourself, whoever that may be, and e happy" and that's something I take pride in. The hardest part for me in all of this is that, usually we get along really well and I'd say we genuinely enjoy each other's company (we just went to the beach with my niece today and it was great). She really is an amazing person that I don't think I'd be happy without and for that reason I think I'd have a very hard time limiting contact with her. Unfortunately, her major flaw, when visible, is absolutely glaring. Because of this, separating myself really does seem like a viable option at times. I don't know I'm just very conflicted. I guess I just have to hope she'll come around eventually, trying to help her adjust along the way. Ugh this just sucks. Parent problems are the worst.

 

[kennny88]

Are you the only child?

 

[Esquire0399]

Are you the only child?

No I have a sister. She moved out a month after graduating college (5 years ago) to get away from this kind of thing and the relationship between her and my mom improved dramatically. I'm starting graduate school next month so I'll be moving out soon too. Hopefully that'll help in some way.

 

[Hot White Trash]

I think two things are usually true about moms: First, they know a lot more about their kids than the kids will ever know, and second they can't or won't accept those things they know to be true but that they wish were not true.

Mothers, and fathers too, don't want gay children any more than they want a kid who is disabled. I think its because they don't want us to suffer.

 

[PokerFace]

No I have a sister. She moved out a month after graduating college (5 years ago) to get away from this kind of thing and the relationship between her and my mom improved dramatically. I'm starting graduate school next month so I'll be moving out soon too. Hopefully that'll help in some way.

Try talking to ur mom about it before u leave because that way neither of you can hide from one another or avoid the other living under the same roof. Once u leave she might just not want to know about that part of ur life and just keep things lite between both of u when you's do talk.

U seem to really respect her opinion so let her know what she thinks means alot and has a lasting effect on u and u dont want to have to avoid certain topics when talking to her and make ur relationship ackward.

Good Luck.