Pre-Coming Out Jitters

[AlecksIAm]

Hey, guys. This my first post, although I've been reading from the sidelines for a while. I'm about to begin my last trimester of my college years, and I'm still in the closet. Over the past few months, I've discovered a desire to come out - maybe the approaching end of my college years is driving me, maybe I'm finally becoming accepting of my own homosexuality, maybe I'm afraid that moving away will prolong this process more, maybe I just want to stop pretending to be somebody I'm not to the friends I've gained over the past few years. Anyway, I'm planning on coming out to some of my friends within the next week or two, and there are a few things I just need to get off my chest.

I want to come out to my college friends, but I'm not ready to come out to any of my family members or friends from my hometown. I'm really afraid that somehow the "news" will get out. I can just imagine a situation where a Facebook wall post will unintentionally spill the beans. Do I have to warn people to be careful about when and where they refer to my gayness? Has this been an issue for anybody else? I feel that letting only my college friends know is the baby step that I need to take. At this point, I can't imagine letting it out of this circle. Am I being too picky about who knows?

Another thing I'm afraid of is that people will use my homosexuality as arguments against some of my other opinions. I have strong opinions about politics and religion (hopefully not in a "militant", "in your face" way) and I'm afraid that people will believe that these opinions all stem from my homosexuality and the "troubles" I've had with it over the years. They may say, "He's only politically affiliated with [a certain party] because they are more supportive of gay rights," or, "He's only believes [so and so] about religion because that's what's most compatible with homosexuality." There are so many reasons why I believe what I believe, but people may oversimplify things to one issue.

Also, I'm not a normal college dude. Although I'm certainly not feminine (I'd call myself a relatively straight-acting gay guy), I'm less masculine than a lot of guys. I don't care for sports. I like "girly" drinks more than beer. I know more than I should about fashion. I have less masculine musical and visual aesthetics. I watch America's Next Top Model. I like to cook. I'm really clean, neat, and organized. And every now and then I'll say something "gay" or make a feminine gesture. I don't want to come out just to confirm stereotypes about gay guys. I believe the gay stereotype is bad for us because I think it limits the type of personalities and interactions that gay guys can have with other people.

Finally, I'm not so much afraid of how my friends will take it, I believe that my friends will be accepting. I am afraid, however, of a paralyzing self-consciousness that will be entirely in my own head. Maybe this fear comes from a feeling of shame that I haven't yet shaken off? What if it's a poor, automatic self-defence mechanism? What if it's just amplified neuroticism? What if I'm not really ready to come out?

Shit. This post is too long. Sorry. Thanks for listening if you did. I feel better just writing about this.

 

[jft245]

I think that telling your collage friends is a great first step, and most of them will be understanding. You have to do this at a pace that is right for you. Good luck.

 

[EvilForce]

Alecks.... just by reading your post, it makes me remember how much unnecessary crap I used to hold on my shoulders. So much dread & worry. Keep in mind I came out before the advent of social networks like Facebook but I came out to close friends first, then "regular" friends, then siblings, and finally my parents.

Things usually will not be as bad as you fear, but also may not go as well as you hoped. Some people will surprise you in a good way, and some in a bad way. Most however have one of two reactions when you tell them. Usually their reply is something along the lines of; 1.) I (we) knew. I (we) were wondering when you were going to come out. Or 2.) Oh. Cool with me. *Conversation reverts to whatever topic you were talking about before the soul cleansing.

I found the only people (friends wise) that surprised me and didn't take it as well as I thought they would were (I think) fighting their own homosexual tendencies.

I'm sure you will be like myself and most others that have come out and wonder why the hell you didn't come out sooner. Life is so much easier, and more enjoyable when you aren't constantly worried about who knows what about you. Good luck!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey AlesksIam,

Mate...welcome to JUB!!!!! Its great to have you on board!

First off, congrats on posting... and putting your thoughts out there. Its the first step to understanding yourself a little better, finding out that you are not alone... and that your are completely normal!!!

Most of us go through that over analysis when we start on this journey... we nearly all over think it, we nearly all find some reason or excuse to delay it... relax mate...its normal. When and how you do this is entirely up to you.

Your post shows an intelligent articulate guy. It shows a guy whose conscious of his being, who has respect and concern for others and who is learning how to have the same for himself... all pretty special things. It also shows someone who has values and integrity, someone who understands how important it is to be honest and open.

AlesksIam, the most important thing here is to understand that there is no such thing as normal. You are you. You are unique, individual... and special. Theres way more to you than the fact that you like things clean and that you like to cook. As many of us love sport as hate it, some love reality tv others couldn't give a toss. But your likes and dislikes, your dreams, desires and fantasies dont make you not normal.... they make you you. They are part of your fabric, they are things that make you who you are.

In fact those are some of the things that your friends, your family and those who care about you are attracted to and love about you. Just like your smile, your laugh, the way you cry, the way you care. You are a whole complete package... and just like those other pieces to your puzzle the one that says your gay just cant exist without the others. But in no way is it any bigger or more important... its just another piece.

Your friends and family see all that mate... they see who you are. Dont worry about stereotypes and the bigger pricture. Dont worry about conforming or what strangers think... this is about your happiness, your desire to live an honest open life. This is about your desire to share your real self with those you care about... a huge gesture on your part.

And its about giving yourself the opportunity to seek love and happiness. Its the opportunity that you deserve.

 

[KaraBulut]

AlecksIAm:

Congrats on this big step. Keep in mind that the purpose of coming out is not to tell the world that you are gay, the purpose is to allow yourself to be who you are.

Expect a variety of responses- like "Huh? No!" to "I wondered if you were." to "Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me this before now?" to "Hmm. OK (*yawn*). Where do you want to go for dinner?".

To answer your questions:

Do I have to warn people to be careful about when and where they refer to my gayness? ....At this point, I can't imagine letting it out of this circle. Am I being too picky about who knows?

Take this whole discussion out of the "gay" world and ask yourself "If I was straight, who would know and would I care if they told anyone else?". That should give you an idea of who needs to know. So, if you have a close friend that talks to you about their boyfriend or girlfriend or that you have very personal conversations with, that's probably the same friend that you want to tell.

Everyone can figure it out when you happen to mention it and when start showing up places with your boyfriend. Sometimes coming it isn't as much about running around with a banner saying "I'm gay"- it's really more about stopping the lies and the deceit and showing people the person that you've been hiding from them.

Maybe this fear comes from a feeling of shame that I haven't yet shaken off? What if it's a poor, automatic self-defence mechanism? What if it's just amplified neuroticism? What if I'm not really ready to come out?

In reading your post, I wondered if you knew very many gay people. You've got some pretty stereotypical ideas about who gay people are. Gay people come in all sizes, shapes and colors. Some are big masculine sports-loving beer-drinking guys. Some are lisping fashion-loving femme guys. But the sad truth is that most gay people are pretty boring and ordinary- just like straight people.

The first and most important step in coming is out is accepting yourself as a gay person and loving yourself as a gay person, not in spite of it. So, ask yourself if you have accepted yourself and this will tell you whether you are ready to come out to everyone else.

 

[AlecksIAm]

Thanks, guys. A lot of the stuff that was weighing me down lost a lot of its power over me when I actually tried to explain them in words. Somehow trying to explain things to other people revealed a lot of the flaws in these worries. I also think I was writing in a freak-out state of mind. Sorry. Every so often negative thoughts kind of creep in and cloud my judgement, more so than I thought. It really is a bunch of "unnecessary crap", in the words of EvilForce.

I want to thank KaraBulut for saying, "Sometimes coming it isn't as much about running around with a banner saying "I'm gay"- it's really more about stopping the lies and the deceit and showing people the person that you've been hiding from them." That's exactly what I want, to stop the lies and just be me. Thinking about that has given me a lot more confidence about this next step.

I also wanted to clarify what I was trying to say with the whole "normal" and "stereotypes" business. I guess part of me wishes that I could come out as the guy who is the complete opposite of the gay stereotype. My coming out would be a mind-blowing turn of events that would completely shatter the stereotype possibly held by anybody who knows me. (This is clearly a dramatic exaggeration.) Has anybody else ever wanted to be like, "HA! See?! Your stereotype has fallen apart!" and have the world at peace?

On second thought, though, I realize that my friends are going to be fine with it and that it can't be my responsibility to prove stereotypers wrong. But it IS my responsibility to be true to myself and friends.

 

[KaraBulut]

I also wanted to clarify what I was trying to say with the whole "normal" and "stereotypes" business. I guess part of me wishes that I could come out as the guy who is the complete opposite of the gay stereotype. My coming out would be a mind-blowing turn of events that would completely shatter the stereotype possibly held by anybody who knows me. (This is clearly a dramatic exaggeration.) Has anybody else ever wanted to be like, "HA! See?! Your stereotype has fallen apart!" and have the world at peace?

Someone once said, "Stereotypes exist for a reason".

It's true that there are lots of gay men who resemble Jack from "Will and Grace". I think straight people think that gay men are weak, effeminate and pussies. If you've ever known someone who fits the effeminate stereotype, you know that they are not to be messed with. They are fierce and they will wipe the floor with your ass. Not exactly the "stereotype", eh?

And the whole "straight-acting" thing is just bullshit.

Some of the reason that effeminate gay men are the stereotype in western culture is that they are much easier to spot than the masculine closeted guys. As I mentioned before, as you begin to meet more and more gay guys, you'll discover most of them as boring and ordinary as their "straight" counterparts.

No two people are alike. No two gay men are alike. Even on this site, there's a mix of all types of people and personalities. There's a mix of gay, straight, bi and everything in between. There's a mix of drama, intelligence, wit, caring and carnal. So- you tell me- who is this "stereotype" that everyone worries about?

Don't worry about stereotypes or trying to shatter them. Just be yourself. Your friends are friends with you because they like you. The question about whether you are gay or straight is probably less of a factor than you think.

 

[NomineDetracto]

i came out to friends first.

telling your family can be really scary, but you never know how they're going to react. i thought that my brothers and dad would be really weirded out by it, but they aren't and they've been great. i think telling your family will come naturally though, when you start dating guys and it becomes a part of your life you just kind of decide to let them in or not.

good luck.

 

[luminum]

Family is definitely scary, but I think telling your friends is a good first step to take. Your family may know you in a family way, but it's your friends that see the uninhibited side of you most of the time and know you deeply. At least, that's how I view my friends vs. my family.

Tell them when you're ready. If they're worthy of being called a friend, they'll accept you and as a whole, your friendship won't change...though it might get stronger.

 

[drhladnjak]

I know it's scary and lots of good advice has been dispensed above. I just wanted to make the point that I think you're worrying too much about what other people think. What's going to happen if your old friends back home find out? How big of a role do any of them play in your life now? Sure, they'll talk but that's probably it. Honestly, most people are too self-absorbed with their own problems and life to really care all that much about yours unless they're close friends or family.

As for your political and religious concerns, you know what your views are and why you have them. Who cares what other people think about them? And for the record, there's absolutely nothing wrong with supporting a specific party because they're better on gay issues. Being gay is part of your life and something that directly affects you. The same goes for religion. If you've accepted that there's nothing wrong with being gay, the logical conclusion is that you'll want to be in a church where people feel the same way.

In the end, you just have to bite the bullet and do it. Yes, there will be some awkwardness but it'll pass.

Remember, this is your life not anybody else's! You've got to do what's best for you which generally means living your life confidently out.