Problems in Bed

[ariesstar89]

*sigh* okay this is a very embarrassing topic to try and discuss, but I really don't know what to do, I'm at the end of my rope and I need to try and find somebody else(s) who can give me some insight as to this problem.

Ok, first off, I do not have a problem getting hard, when I plan on jerkin off or something turns me on, I get hard. Ok, now my problem is...when in bed, and I'm with another person, I can't stay hard to save my life....its not the fact that I'm not being turned on..its a fact that once I get hard, from some kind of activity, I lose it pretty fast, and eventually it becomes harder for me to do so as the time in bed goes on. I'm not sure what this is about...Take for instance, well tonight.

Okay so I met this guy and we hit it off, and he asked be back to his place to hangout/watch a movie, so I decided sure. I knew that things would probably move onto the bedroom, but I wasn't concerned at that point, ya know. Anywho, so things do indeed move to the bedroom and we start to fool around and I'm not gettin hard at all. As much as I was trying to just have fun, not worry about it, it started gettin to me as time goes on. Well, he is finished up, and is tryin to help me finish also. So I'm layin there trying to get hard so I can finish it too, because I wanted to bad, but again..just couldn't get hard. It isnt the fact that I had jerked off earlier that day or anything, because I haven't jerked off in about a week. So I don't know

While I'm on this soapbox, I have another question. It seems to take me alot longer to be able to cum around other men. I have no idea why. When I was with my ex, he eventually learned that I had trouble and was understandin and helped me to find my ways that quickly turned me on...which would of course, make it happen. Ok so flash to tonight, and he's kinda doing the same things that had always helped me to cum before, and forget cumming, I couldnt even get hard.

So what is wrong here...is it psychological? Is it the fact that maybe I wasn't fully 'turned-on' or something? I don't know what to do about it, and it makes me feel inadequate that I can't do so in front of others. At home, I have no problem when its me by myself, so it leads me to believe its a kinda fear of doing it in front of others. Given, I haven't been sexually active with guys very long, so I'm wondering if maybe I still have to adjust to it being okay to do things like this. Another thought that just popped into my mind is, does smoking affect this at all? I've been tryin to quit, but following personal issues, I again, went back for comfort.

Anywho, I still feel like I haven't been able to pour out all my thoughts on this. Its a very embarrassing subject to talk about (for me anyways) because no guy wants to feel that they have problems like this. It just leads me to believe that maybe I'm not so attracted to guys as I had thought, or maybe that I'm just partially asexual (which I kinda don't think so, since I do have sexual attraction to guys). Please, please, please...help me out with some insight as to what could be the problem, or how I could be able to fix this

 

[bullwing413]

1. Are you on any medications?
2. Have you tried Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra?

You may need some help to get through this an the easiest help -if this is not being casued by medications -is to see a doc and get one of the above. Psychotherapy/ Sex therapy can work but it takes a while, is expensive and my guess is once you stay hard with a pill, this may just get you through this initial hesitancy.

 

[FrankLeeMyDear]

One thing to think about.

When you are masturbating or become aroused when no one is around, it's because you are in control. Having someone nearby the control issue is somewhat (literally) out of your hand.

You don't specify how you get to have another person in bed with you, but it might be that for you to have sex with someone else you might want to get to know the person a little before the sex occurs. Getting to know them might make you feel more comfortable around them, and this might help in you getting aroused.

As you can see, I've written 'might' quite a bit because I don't know you.

I'm assuming you are on the young side and probably feel more comfortable having sex with yourself when compared to having sex with others. You know what makes you feel good and have no problems becoming aroused when masturbating or fantasizing about having sex.

In getting to know the other person, would you feel comfortable sharing a few of your fantasies with him/her? If so, you might be surprised and aroused if your partner shares the fantasy.

What I've detailed may be way off base and, if so, forgive me the intrusion.

I hope you find out what it is that is causing you concern.

 

[ariesstar89]

1. Are you on any medications?
2. Have you tried Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra?

You may need some help to get through this an the easiest help -if this is not being casued by medications -is to see a doc and get one of the above. Psychotherapy/ Sex therapy can work but it takes a while, is expensive and my guess is once you stay hard with a pill, this may just get you through this initial hesitancy.

I'm not on any medications, and I don't really think I need to take Viagra or anything like that, its not the fact of me gettin hard, I can do that...its the fact of it being in front of others. I think your right in sayin I'd probably need to talk to somebody about this, but as a broke college student, thats hard to afford a sex therapy session, more or less I think it goes with what FrankLeeMyDear has to say

One thing to think about.

When you are masturbating or become aroused when no one is around, it's because you are in control. Having someone nearby the control issue is somewhat (literally) out of your hand.

You don't specify how you get to have another person in bed with you, but it might be that for you to have sex with someone else you might want to get to know the person a little before the sex occurs. Getting to know them might make you feel more comfortable around them, and this might help in you getting aroused.

As you can see, I've written 'might' quite a bit because I don't know you.

I'm assuming you are on the young side and probably feel more comfortable having sex with yourself when compared to having sex with others. You know what makes you feel good and have no problems becoming aroused when masturbating or fantasizing about having sex.

In getting to know the other person, would you feel comfortable sharing a few of your fantasies with him/her? If so, you might be surprised and aroused if your partner shares the fantasy.

What I've detailed may be way off base and, if so, forgive me the intrusion.

I hope you find out what it is that is causing you concern.

I really find that true, I'm somewhat of a shy person on the dating scene, and usually take my time in gettin to know someone before movin to the bed. It establishes a kind of ease in my mind, and makes me comfortable around them, instead of right-off-the-bat, "Hey how are you, let's have sex" kind of deal. It just seems that I have this problem sometimes even after I've known the person for ages (the time it takes to cum), we talked about what i liked, and what he likes, and for awhile things worked, but I slowly it went right back to trouble, and eventually I found a kind of groove to make things work (btw, this is a very touchy subject, because...after recently breakin up with here said bf, i think back and wonder if it might have been because of things like this)

Anywho, i appreciate yal's opinions, and have definantly put them to thought...Does it seem like anybody else has this problem?

 

[WYSIWYG]

Sounds like since your shy and have 'taken care of yourself', you have not made the 'connection' with having sex with someone else in the same bed at the same time!

Most of my life, it was me and my right hand and I did just fine, but when it came to being with another person I did have times when I could not get it up either.

In the last several years, I have been with one person that I love completely and there are nights when I can't get hard no matter what he or I do. (Blood pressure meds suck and don't help the situation either.) We have both learned that I can cum when flacid! While it makes me feel 'less' manly, it does not matter anymore for either of us. We have learned over time what turns us on and we might not be turned on at the same time or place.

We also find that some role playing, or getting off in the shower, or other places other then the 'bed' works for both of us.

I have never been a man to meet someone for sex, and in fact it has turned me off in the past. I was more interested in a relationship. Sometimes just having sex takes the 'right chemistry' between 2 people to get hard and 'perform'. It can be a vicious circle because you meet someone, and worry that you can't perform to your and his expectations. We are all different and we get stimulated in different ways with different people.

Sometimes just positive thinking and mutual chemistry fixes the problem. As mentioned, no one knows you here and I do not profess to have the answers. I can only tell you what has worked for me and my husband.

Let us know what happens please. Take care and RELAX and go with the flow....

 

[KaraBulut]

Your problem is very common and there's no reason to be embarassed about it.

When we look at this issue, we ask several questions:

• Do you have lasting hardons in the morning? When you're by yourself?
• Do you have problems coming when you're alone or is it all of the time?
• Do you watch porn, masturbate a certain way each time and how often do you have sex with another person?

You've pretty much answered these questions in your post. And the conclusion is that there's probably not a physical reason for the problem since you are able to perform normally when you're masturbating. So, that means that the problem is mostly psychological.

There are some psychological reasons why this happens:

• People who are used to masturbating often do it a certain way each time, so when they are with another person it's very hard for that person to do exactly what you're used to doing by yourself.
• Sometimes it's very hard to relax around someone that you don't trust. This often relates to self-image or body-image problems. This often to connects to what guys mean when they say that have to have an emotional connection to someone and that one-night stands don't do it for them.
• And classic "stage fright" where you're fine when there's no pressure but when you "have to perform", you get caught up in fear of failure and all the things going on your head, so you're not in the moment.

Usually, these things can be addressed by taking things slower. Begin by doing the things that you're used to doing- if that's jacking off watching porn, then maybe jack off watching the other guy jack off. Then as you get more comfortable, let the other guy help you jack off or do things like lick your balls or hold you while you jackoff. Then with each time you have sex, you continue to experiment and push things a little further until you're comfortable and more trusting of your partner.

A couple of corrections on things that were mentioned earlier:

• ED drugs only help you maintain an erection. If the issue is getting hard, they don't help much.
• Sexuality is as much in your head as it is in your dick. So, performance isn't a good measure of sexual orientation. It's your attraction and how you relate to guys that you're attracted to that is the better measure of whether you're gay, bi, straight or whatever.

 

[hardreader]

If I'm reading this right, you think you've always had an underlying problem with getting and staying hard in the presence of others. And this problem now seems to be exaggerated since your recent break up.

The worsening of the problem is not too surprising. Breaking up is one of the top stress issues in life, right up there with death and money. So to see that underlying problem get to be more serious is no surprise.

But why the underlying problem. I think a couple of guys have touched on it. But let me ask you one question before I go on: What are you thinking about when you're not getting hard. Or, to make it easier to answer, what was going through your mind this last time when you couldn't get it up?

Got your answer ready?

Well, whatever that answer was, I'm betting it wasn't only how hot this guy was. How much you wanted to suck his hard cock. How bad you wanted him to suck yours. Lick your nuts . . . Well, you get the idea. I'm betting you weren't really into it because you were worrying you weren't gonna be into it. It feeds on itself.

So quick analysis. Quick solution. Find a guy who you think is hot. This last guy might work just fine or someone like him. Now, instead of heading for the bedroom on the first time out, try hanging on your sofa watching some primo porn. Whatever turns you on when you're alone. Now, take your time, but do exactly what you would do if you were alone, only with him there. You're not performing for him. You don't have to get him hard. The porn should do that for you. And it should do it to you as well. If either of you guys get a little harder watching the other, that's a bonus. But this should help lower the pressure and the expectations.

If you're really into the guy, while he's jerking off, his cock straining and aching and so ready to spew his cum all over your sofa and himself, you should be thinking how hot this guy is. How much you want to suck his hard cock. How bad you want him to suck yours. To lick your nuts. Fuck your ass . . . If you're not thinking that, or something like that, then you're not really into him as a sexual partner and probably your gonna have a harder time getting hard.

Let me know if that makes any sense to you.

One last question: When you are jerking off and really getting worked up and hard and that cum is churning ready to blow, what are you thinking? What are you visualizing? What are you doing in your mind?

 

[bobinri]

Have you spoke to a doctor about it?..it could be something medical.

hope things work out for you

 

[bribriny]

any reliable sources that people have used to get cialis or levitra (besides the doctor?) There's so much on the internet..but is any of it good???

 

[KaraBulut]

any reliable sources that people have used to get cialis or levitra (besides the doctor?) There's so much on the internet..but is any of it good???

ED drugs are getting to be like most club drugs- they're available on the street. Of course, there's no certainty that what you're getting is the real deal, though.

The same is true of what is available through internet pharmacies. Some of these are legit- you call, you talk to a "doctor" who gives you a prescription and the drugs are mailed to you- often from Canada or India.

Less reputable are scam internet pharmacies that mail out something labeled as Viagra or Cialis but turns out to be placebos or worse.

The safest option is to see your doctor, get a brief physical to rule out heart/blood pressure issues or interactions with drugs- and then get a prescription. Your insurance should pay for it. If you don't have insurance, you can use a mail-order pharmacy which is usually much cheaper.