Q0 - Archived Blog Posts

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I've been feeling bad today I met a bloke on Gaydar which i had been sending messages to and we decided to meet. Anyway I met him and we chatted for hours and by then i had decided that we got on quite well and we decided that we would another day for a coffee and a chat. He seemed really nice and the only reason he left was becuase he had a meeting and he said he would phone me. True to his word he did and i knew at the time he phoned me that he didn't want to just talk but something more. Me been paranoid that i was been stupid and met him anyway and within an hour we had jumped into bed.

Things went great and afterwards he dropped me home but for some reason I felt guillty afterwards. I said to myself that i wouldn't do something like this and now i feel like im just a piece of meat. It was the first time i had really met anyone over the internet and i always said that i shouldn't let my hormones get the better of me. I know that Gaydar is used for people to meet up for sex but I wanted to make friends to socialise not that I had much luck.

My so call friend phoned me up today he only ever seems to phone up if he wants something usually sex. He hasn't phoned in years and said " Hi, how you doing" it's always "can you do this or that" I should have never slept with him in the first place but been young and naive I did anyway. My love life is a total mess I never had a boyfriend and it just seems all i get is people who just want sex and nothing else. It's not like i'm a bad person to get to know it's just that I can't find Mr Right. My mates always say a long relationship is getting to know their surname.

I've also been feeling like councillor "fucking" Troi lately as well. Im so sick of trying to sort out my family and friends problems. I mean who's there to help me sort of mine when I need it. As per usual no one. I wouldn't mind if someone helped me out now and then but it's never the case and me been me can't help but help out when I can. Why does everyone always come to me It's not like im the Guru of advice I don't take my own 99.9% of the time and i seem to be everyones rock, well this rock is wearing out quickly and is about to crumble.

The irony of most of my mates problems seems to be relationships and of all people they come to is me for fucks sake i can't even start one let alone give good advice on it. Sometimes i can't help but laugh. Me a person who has never had a proper relationship giving advice on them to straight mates as well. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

 

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This week is getting from bad to worse My sister is on a downer becuase she just split up from her boyfriend and is yet again pouring her heart out to me about all the drug problems he had. Now she's worried becuase he went through the same system my sister went through the council are now going to move her for her own safety. Just when things seem to get better fate has a knack for blindsiding you and throws something in your path. On top of this my mate was involved in a car crash and writ his car off and my other mate has been permantly blinded after he was glassed in a pub. To add to this i've lost my job beacuse i wasn't hitting targets. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom and you can't sink no further, you discover a whole new level of dispair. I feel so emtionally drained at the moment at the moment and spent most of the day in and out of bed. The days feel so long recently with nothing to do apart from using the computer and sorting everyones problems out. God im a glutton for punishment, I need a drink hopefully my mate will phone me back and i can get out for a few hours.

 

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As usual i've been over pessimistic about the week so far i've been going out the last few days to my local gay bar and having a laugh with some mates and at the same time making new ones.

 

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I was reading a post about relationships with dad and it made me think what a mess mine is things used to be so good i wonder how i let it get to the point where we don't ever speak properly anymore.

My weeks been ok so far been visiting friends and having a laugh I had an embarrassing episode of sleep paralysis whilst stopping over at my friends house and woke everyone up at 5:30am in the morning i'm going to be the butt of jokes for weeks now

 

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I had a strange conversation with my sister last night. She was going on about her problems with her psycho ex boyfriend and then asked if i had one yet. I naturally said no and she then went on to say that i could tell her. After denying i was gay to her she said thank god for that. She then went on the say that she's worried about me and wonders why i can't get a girlfriend and that she couldn't deal with it if i was gay.

Damn i was so close to telling her aswell.

 

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I was so drunk last night, I decided to meet up with some friends to have a few drinks after a stressful day my sis had given out my mobile phone number to my friend-come-fuck buddy-come-obessed control freak. I haven't had much contact with him at all but i was really angry with my sis for giving out my number I had only given my new number to a select few who had nothing to do with him so he wouldn't get hold of it. He phones the house now and then and has gone to great lengths to get hold of me. This including phoning friends which he knows to see if im there. I remember a time when we were just friends and we phoned each other to see how each other were and went out and had great times but if i knew now how things would turn out i would have never slept with my best friend ten years ago. It probably the worst mistake i ever made. It was fun at the time but im paying the price now.

Nowadays he only phones when he wants something a bit of sex, computer problem, a favour or when he really bored and no one else is free. I sometimes wonder how i got to this point at one time we could have been partners but he was and still deep in the closet and can't even admit he's at least bi-sexual.

In recent times he been trying to sling the mud about me in some kind of pathetic attempt to get a response out of me. Rather ironic it seems that more people suspect him than me. He gets jealous when i make new friends and then interrogates them for information and my non existant sexual activities becuase he so jealous i maybe sleeping with someone else.

Anyway back to the point of this blog as im rattling on I was out having a good time and rather intoxicated by this time when i got a text message from him saying "Thanks for your number !" I know how he thinks and i sensed the superior attitude from him saying you can't get away from me. I was at that time too drunk to give a damn and decided that i wasn't going to let this bastard ruin my night. After a good night i decided to stop at my mates house i was in no state to get back anyhow. After an hour of getting back there i got another message saying "Your not home, I know becuase your light is off" and other one in the morning saying "On your way home yet did you have a good night" It just feels that i can't turn a corner without bumping into him. All i want is for him to fuck off out of my face and fuck off out of my life. This seems i bit unlikely as im going to eventually bump into him at other mates' houses.

The thing is i owe him £20 still so once he gets it he'll be out of my life and one less timewaster in my life. He will try and worm his way back in with the usual is it worth wasting 10 years of friendship over such a little thing and we had some great times but the trust has long gone and the mud slinging has destroyed any sense of trust with him as i know how he manipulates people.

 

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In the neverending saga of my life my so called friend whos been harrassing me has now obtained my sisters mobile phone number. This doesn't suprise me yet again as she was an easy target and doesn't know whats going on in the background. This is another pathetic attempt to annoy me but his ultimate "prize" is to get her into bed. I can confidently say there is more chance of me sprouting a cunt, turning straight and claiming i was cured of homosexuality than him ever getting in bed with my sister. He has already attempted to get her to meet him by himself which failed miserably and with me informing her of his plans of sexual conquest the odds are not exactly in his favour.

It just really reminds me what a shallow, vindictive "bitch" he is and the levels he will stoop to just to get his revenge. He has already lost one friend that he 's known as long as i've known him. I'm just waiting for the "our friendship is too important to throw away" comment. The thing is he must really think i'm stupid to not have noticed all the backstabbing, bitching and gossiping he's done. Once he gets his money he can enjoy this friendship by himself.

 

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Its just been over two weeks now on the Fluoxtine. I can't really say that my im more happy over all but people who don't know im taking them say im more chirpy lately. My so called friend has given up harassing my family for now and everything is very quite on that front. I still haven't found a job yet and Im unlikely to find one this side of christmas.

 

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Just when you think that your day couldn't get any worse is does. First thing in the morning I answer a call for my mum from my Aunt and she seems rather distressed and I am told that her cancer has come back and that there is no chance of recovery. After my mum and Aunt had a long conversation I am then told that she may only have 6 months to live.

This was then made worse when i was confronted by my younger sister about a website that she came across which was available in the address bar and it was none other the JUB which was careless of me on my part on not covering my tracks. She then goes and tells my older sister who then tells a friend so now its "guess-who-might-be-gay" gossip which won't take long to get to my parents who are already rather upset and for something to kick off.

My younger sister originally confronted me about it and i said that it was a mate of mine who checked it but i refused to reveal who when she asked. She then told my older sister who then dropped a hint that she knew but my younger sister then denied telling her anything. When i questioned my older sister on the issue she told me what she was told by my younger sister. By this point things got out of hand and my two sisters had a row and are now not speaking to each other.

After all this i am tempted to come clean about the entire issue but if i did i would be disowned and gossiped and iterrogated for ages which at the moment i really can't deal with. At the end of the day it's my life to choose to lead and i will not be subject of gossip that gets passed on to every other family members and family friends and be turned into some kind of freak show.

I need a drink.

 

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I got a photo through the post from my psycho ex friend it was of Him and I when we went on holiday together with a rather "touching" letter saying how much he misses the good times and how he trying to understand how we let things go so far downhill that we are no longer talking. To him this is all part of his game to try and manipulate me into getting back with him.

This is all part of his campaign to win me back in his power and control game when i made it clear once again that i was no longer intrested he send me abuse followed by a grovelling apology saying that he was only angry because he didn't understand why i didn't want to know him anymore. Perhaps the fact that he harassed my sister, outed me and generally threw abuse at everyone in my family just about rounds it up and then wonders why i don't want to know him. What a joke.

One thing that he was right about is that we did have lots of good times together but its the bad ones that really stick in my mind like the time he dumped me in London and left me to get home which was around 100 miles away with no money. All the times he was selfish and played power games, used and abused me.

It's true 10 years is a long time to throw away things but he's the one who blew it, not me. I feel that I have moved on and that things are better for me now but i can't help sometimes thinking about the good times.

 

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Its all over my long distance relationship is over and lasted all but around six months. We came to a mutal decision that it was not going to work with the distance involved and the fact that there wasn't enough time for each other. We still talk on the phone and online but there still is this weird awkardness about it all. I also had a feeling that pehaps he was cheating on me after i found some stuff on his computer. I know that its not right going routing through someone computer but it wasn't exactly hidden and I purely came by it by accident when he asked me to try and sort out his computer. I never confronted him about it because he decided to call an end to our relationship that day.

Rather ironically I friend of mine which i've known for around a year decided to make his feelings clear to me. Although I do like him a lot I told him that it was too soon for me to get involved at the moment which he fully understands after all it has been a few weeks since we had split up so perhpas in a few months time when things have settled I will take up his offer.

Not much else is happening in my personal life really apart from the fact ive given up smoking so far its been two weeks and one day and im getting a lot of support from friends and family

Psycho has been on the quite side lately which is good.

also I think I should really write in my blogs more often lol

 

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Just another lazy day today. Spent all day watching Stargate SG1. I could really do with another job.

Im off on holiday on the 31st of March for a month all the way to Hong Kong and my good friend is going to take me to the airport I will certainly miss him whilst im over there. He such a great guy and is always there to offer me a helping hand and whenever I need to talk. Over the last two months we have been on the phone to each other nearly everyday.

Funnly enough Im planning to go on a weekend break with him when I get back from Hong Kong presuming that I have any money left.

My sister popped in today so say hello and it has been very cold the last few days unfortunately she was left oustide in the feezing cold this morning becuase I was still in bed when she called round by the time I got to the door she had gone but she popped round a bit later. It must have been the first late night ive had in a while though my mum would say early morning considering it was 6am before I hit the sack.

My friend Brian gave me a call today and has got a bad cold he has just come back from Wales with his boyfriend and they had a great time together. I was invited but I decided not to go as they needed some good quality time togther.

 

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Things have been going slow of late Ive been on a two week job search training course which has hasn't turned out too bad.

On the 31st of March I will be off to Hong Kong for a month and I really do need this holiday get some retail therapy and spending lots of time enjoying myself.

I'm flying from Heathrow and my mate is going to drop me off at the airport which is really nice of him.

I already have my suitcase packed but its not like I will be taking much clothing with me its more for me to bring things back.

I'm really exited as i will be able to see my mum and sister as I haven't seen anyone for a month already and been at home all by myself has been a bit lonely but Ive had my friends come round and Luke phones me most days to see how I am.

 

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I'm finally back from Hong Kong and China I have to say I had a great time. I did a lot of shopping for some new clothes as I usually don't buy any clothes so I thought I would catch up on some lost spending. My sister was definitely worse she met her 23 kilo weight limit on her luggage and then had another 35 kilos worth of clothes shipped back as well. Totally unbelievable!

I have to admit the most interesting part of my holiday was definitely China for all sorts of reasons. Guilin was amazing for all the natural beauty. I saw some amazing sites but the toilets were def something I want to forget as well as pushy sellers in shops and streets. I also visited Beijing which was very nice. The streets are just chaos everyone cuts everybody up and there is no end to the beeping of horns. The Forbidden Palace was amazing as well as Tiananmen Square was a lot bigger than I expected there is also no sign of what happened there either. Also I visited the Great Wall and I have to say I've never been so exhausted in my life you literally have to climb it as some of the steps are huge. I was very impressed by the overall drive top improve economically everywhere seems to be a building site.

One of the strangest things I did see in Guilin was a field and it had a buffalo grazing on some grass and in that same field they were building a petrol station and a road. Nothing seems to stand in the way even if its a mountain. I saw a lot of them quarried.

Another thing I notcied was that when I was in the hotels I was staying I would be watching the news and all of a sudden it would go blank and then come back on again. I'm guessing it was something that the Chinese government didn't like.

When I was in Hong Kong I did visit some nice places but there wasn't anywhere I haven't been before as this is my third time going back. I did treat myself to a Sony Ericsson S700i.

The weather in Hong Kong was humid as ever which I really can't stand and thank god for air conditioning and fans.

Coming back was a bit of a sad moment but in a way I'm glad to be back home.

 

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My weekend didn't start off very well although Thursday night I did enjoy myself. I popped in my job centre to see my adviser apparently my claim has been held up because i hadn't filled in a form although the job centre couldn't tell me that because I had to find out from processing. According to processing I had to fill in this form they sent me which I never received.

So on getting to the job centre I enquire about this form and after 5 minutes she brings in this form that i needed to fill in. The questions on this form were beyond a joke questions included how long have I been living in the UK and did I bring my belongings with me when I came to the UK. This was all triggered off because I went away for a month.

What is really amusing is when I applied for my allowance, as proof of ID they photocopied my passport therefore proving I am a residence of the UK. Also the system which the job centre has access to the department sorting out my claim has the same access so they would already know that I'm on their system.

I had to fill in the form regardless anyway so I made it very clear to them on every question though the one about if I bought any belongings I was very tempted to put umbilical cord and placenta but i decided I shouldn't say that, after all I wanted my claim processed sooner rather than later.

On Saturday I met up with one of my friends and chilled out but he got locked out till 4pm in the morning because his girlfriend borrowed his key and didn't say anything. Today is rather boring and Ive done feck all apart from the Internet and watching a few episodes of Revelations.

 

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Today is very warm by British standards and I'm bored out of my mind its just one of those lazy days where you haven't got the energy to do anything.

My weekend was busy fixing computers and setting up Internet connections which refused to work and I have to admit at times I was on the verge of causing physical damage to them.

I'm going to college on Wednesday to see what courses interests me I like the sound of graphic design so I may take it up.

 

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After my last unsucessful attempt at quitting im trying again Im now on day 3 and i have been struggling but I know im doing the right thing in the last 2 nights ive hardly managed to get any sleep at all

 

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Not much has happened since I got back from Hong Kong that I would consider exciting although on the 19th September I will be going away with my friend who took me to the airport when I was off to Hong Kong.

Although its only Blackpool its better than nothing I guess. I have to admit I do find him cute but Im sure he's straight and he has never even shown a slight interest in men.

He's a good mate though and were going to meet a few mates up there and have a laugh.

 

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Its been just over a week since I come back from Blackpool and so much has happened.

My trip to Blackpool was great fun I went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach where I had a good time although I thought it was a rip off and went on all the rides like Valhalla where I got absolutely soaked and i ruined my mobile phone. The Pepsi Max Big One which was a big disappointment for me as it wasn't as exciting as I imagined it to be.


The most interesting development was with my friend who I went with. Strangely enough non of my other mates could make it so it was only us two. Anyway we went out for a few drinks and we got very drunk, too drunk for my own good to be honest and we ended up sharing a bed together . The next morning after we had sobered up he told me that he was gay and that he had feelings for me

So now I'm no longer single and I have a boyfriend.

After leaving Blackpool I decided to stay as his for the rest of the week which happened to be great but I decided to phone home before I left to see if everyone was OK. Unfortunately my family had been trying desperately to get hold of me because my mum had a mini stroke and was in hospital.

She had been in there since the day we had left Blackpool but she was very lucky as she had no paralysis and was able to speak and move about normally. She did have a head injury from the fall but was only feeling sick and dizzy and at one point it was thought she may have a blood clot in her brain but the scans came back and she was OK. Hopefully she will be coming home soon.

The last few or so has definitely been one that has had its ups and downs. Hopefully when my mum gets out of hospital things will improve.

 

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My Mum came out on Tuesday instead of Monday and she is doing fine. Back to her usual self and acting if nothing had happened although she has slowed down a lot and stopped going out as much.