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Quite a pickle I've gotten myself into (LONG)

Providence

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Bear with me, this is going to be long.

Last January (2007), I met this guy at a party. He seemed pretty cool, we had mutual friends, we'll call him Alex for now. I thought Alex was kinda cute but didn't think much of him at the time. I'd see Alex every now and then because we had a lot of mutual friends and there's like a birthday party going on every month.

So in February, one of my friends who is in a frat had a party. I was invited and so was Alex. Alex brought a friend to the party, we'll call the friend Rob. I thought Rob was EXTREMELY hot and wanted to get in his pants as soon as I saw him. He also gave me the impression he wasn't the manliest of people so I had a little hope.

So time goes by and my feelings for Rob get stronger and stronger. I become good friends with Alex by this point. And all our mutual group of friends had learnt that I had been crushing on somebody, nobody knew who. They all think I'm straight so they all started to assume its one of the girls we know. One of the girls we know cornered me and kept asking me until I caved and came out to her. She was the first person I had ever come out to. She was shocked but very accepting. We'll call her Jill. Since I had made a HUGE confession to Jill about liking Rob, she felt obligated to tell me a secret of her own. She had been crushing on Alex. After that we'd get together all the time to talk about our crushes like little girls. I had figured out at some point that Rob is completely straight!](*,):cry: Another friend of ours was also crushing on him and I love the girl to death so I even tried to play cupid and hook them up but she wasn't his type either.

So summer comes around and Rob leaves to go to Ottawa for the whole summer to visit his brother. The rest of us are in back in London, Ontario. So Jill's birthday comes around and we hit the clubs. Alex and I go out to the patio to have a smoke and he says he's figured out who my crush is. I assume he's gonna list one of girls we know so I'm like "Whatever, who is it?":p, he was like "You want me to say it right now? In front of everybody else?" Some other people were there. I kept telling him to go ahead and say it and he kept saying he cant say it in front of everybody else. So I told him to whisper it to me and he comes close and whispers in my ear "Rob..." and my eyes pop out of their sockets.:eek: I get really nervous and tell him "Who knows? It could be!!!" Trying to act all cool. I was soooooo scared. If I ever came out to anybody, it would be girls. They usually seem more understanding. So I was really worried that Alex had figured it out. Needless to say he confronted me again a later day and was really cool about it.

Anyways, September hits. Rob comes back. Not seeing him for 4 months did nothing for me. I was still crushing over him. By October, I had fallen in love with him and had come out to 3 other friends (all girls, and all were very encouraging). One girl in particular was VERY encouraging. She hadn't met him but she was very happy for me. I stopped talking to Jill about Rob by this point because things hadnt worked out with her and Alex so she had decided to give up talking about him. So I keep talking to this other girl about Rob, we'll call her Sarah. And Rob would always meet up with me and Sarah.

My birthday comes around in November and I find it an excuse to hang out with Rob whenever I want to that night. I figure since it's my birthday so everybody'll want to hang out with me. There were 40 people at my party and Rob kept disappearing. I was really disappointed. Whenever I'd find him and lose him again, he'd be with Sarah. Oh well. Week later Sarah tells me she likes Rob and Rob likes her too. I was crushed and I felt betrayed. Everytime I'm hanging out with Sarah at school and Rob calls me to hang out, he was just using me so he could hang out with Sarah.

Anyways so I was hanging out with Alex and bitching about Sarah and Rob and how I was happy for them but felt betrayed. I was a mess so he asked me to sleep over. Alex had become my best friend by this point, he'd always be there for me whenever I needed to talk. So we just kept talking about different topics and a topic of my ex-best friend who is now in New Zealand came up and how I used to crush on him. He was straight but I had somehow gotten him to give me a hickey on the neck and told Alex how it was such a turn on for me to get my neck licked. And he told me what gets him turned on. Our conversation got hot and I dared him to show me his penis and he did. Then he dared me to bite his nipple. I did. I dared him to bite all 3 of mine (I have 3 nipples), he did it. And then I locked his door and asked him to show me his penis again and asked him if he would like me to give him head. He was like "Only, if you want to." So I DID!!!! It was the best fucking COCK EVER!!!!!!!!

That wasnt the only time. We got high once and decided to watch a Japanese movie called Casshern at a friends. It was 3 of us on one bed (1 girl, me and Alex). I had a pillow on Alex's stomach. The drugs had my hormones raging so I slowly started massaging Alex's legs and then his cock through his pants. As he was dropping me home, he asked if I wanted to sleep over. I did and I sucked him again. The same thing happened another night, same movie too! We didnt get it when we were high so we decided to watch it sober, I felt him up again, slept over, and sucked him off... TWICE in one night.

These 4 times happened in November. He left the country in December for Winter Break and came back January. It hasnt happened yet and he hasnt asked me to sleep over yet. I used to sleep over all the time before. If anything I think he's avoiding having me sleep over at his place. I've tried to bring it up with him but get nervous everytime and back out. I dont know what to do guys? Does he not want to do it anymore? I know he's straight and nothing can come out of it but I'm starting to fall for him. I'm not expecting anything, I just want a little fun since he's soooo hot too. I also still hang out with Rob and Sarah sometimes. It's still hard for me sometimes but I think I'm getting over Rob.
 
Meet some gay men who are out. You would enjoy yourself much more.
 
First off, welcome to JUB. :)

The trouble with crushing with, and attempting things with, straight guys is that you're eventually going to hit a wall. One he's not going to want to go beyond. Maybe he'll talk to you about sexual things, but won't show you anything. Maybe he'll flash his cock or ass to you, but you can't touch. Maybe you can touch but you can't suck. Etc etc.

Alex apparently didn't mind you sucking him off a couple times. No big deal, a bit of experimenting, and he gets a blowjob out of it. But it seems now he's not so crazy about the idea. Why? Not sure. Maybe he's over the novelty factor. Maybe he's done experimenting in that direction. Maybe he thinks if he does it too much, it means he's gay, as well.

The real problem is that you're falling for him. You're falling for a straight guy who won't ever be your "boyfriend", who the most you can ever expect from is to blow him off once in a while. You say, "You're not expecting anything, (you) just want a little fun", but if that's truly it, you shouldn't have any trouble with him saying "no".

Best bet - stop looking to your straight friends to fulfill your sexual needs. Because you're gonna keep running into these walls, these boundaries that you'll never get beyond. Instead, get out there, start meeting new people. Don't turn your back on your old friends, but don't expect them to fulfill your every need, because they can't. Meet some more gay guys, start dating, and see what a full-on sexual relationship can be like.

Lex
 
I would say he doesn't want to play anymore. You need to stop pursuing straight guys and find yourself a gay guy. You will be far happier once you do.
 
Totally agree with Lex and vetteboi. You really don't want to go down this road. Don't beat yourself up about it either. At one time or another, many of us have been in the situation or, at least, thought about it. Learn from it, move on and find a meaningful relationship that you deserve.
 
Totally agree with what has been posted, but trying to bring sleeping over, and back out is going to cause to think Alex is avoiding you or other thoughts...you are letting the tale wag the dog mate!

You need to go out and find gay men, and stop this fantasy of getting it on with a straight guy.....might last for a while, but ends in regret, or thoughts that justify why it isn't happening again.

Life is too short to take a back seat mate! Be in control of your own life and make something happen instead of "wondering" about a situation!
 
Yeah - at the very least, drop the subject with Alex, and move on.
...and if you value the friendship, don't be one who gets clingy either.
 
To recap:

You had a crush on a straight friend.

You now occasionally blow one of your close friends. He doesn't blow you. There's no indication that he has any feelings other than friendship for you.


All this energy that you're spending on a one-way sexual relationships could be better spent finding a relationship where you get as much as you're giving.

You deserve better.
 
you can't be gay unless you've wandered down this road at least once, but it's a dead end and won't end well--- and it will end. Just move on--- find a guy who's into you and open to a relationship---- you'll be much, much happier.
 
The problem is, there is no good place to meet gay people here. The only place I could go is the gay club. I tried to check it out once and everybody there were twice to three times my age. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against older people but I would rather get involved around my age.

My university has a gay club but I never go to their meetings. They hold their get togethers in the middle of the most popular restaurant at school with rainbow colored tablecloths around. People I know are at the restaurant all the time and I'm not out of the closet so I'm too afraid to approach them. I've made suggestions to move their meetings somewhere safer where closetted people would feel more comfortable approaching them but they just ignored my suggestion. :(
 
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