Quite awkward. Just came out. One of my best friends apparently was in love with me

[wikke1]

I just came out to only my close family and friends.
Everything went well, and I'm very gratefull.
Still, I'm left with some kind of "empty strange" feeling.
You know, having to keep a secret for 10 years -however painfull it was- was in a strange was "empowering". It was" me against the world". This feeling is now gone, and I'm left with a little bit of an empty feeling. Do I make sense?

To top it all off. One of my very best (female) friends reacted very well, however, I sensed that something was the matter. Apparently, she was in love with me. I don't understand this. We're great friends, but she never gave me the impression that she was in love with me. If anything, I felt like I was far from her type (duh!). This makes things a bit awkward. There's just a totally different feeling. I guess she -in a way- has to mourn "my loss"?

Now what makes it even weirder (for me), is that I have this thought like "It's such a shame. Things could have been so much more simple. If only I was straight too, we could have been hapily married and have a bunch of kids." I mean really, this girl is amazing, and I could totally fall in love with her, but well, nothing more, I'm sure you understand.

I hope the above paragraph doesn't make this sound as a farçe. I'm serious.
As a whole, it's just such a strange feeling I'm left with. Also a feeling of "wanting to rush", "wanting to joke about it" (whereas, If I'm perfectly hounest, I'm not ready for that yet).

By the way, I'm already 27. Never (yes, you read it) been in a relationship.

*end rant. Feel free to add something If you guys recognise any of these feelings, or feel like you coul help me*

 

[terry61_99]

Congratulations on your coming out! I know how scarey it can be....as I am still in the closet. I can only imagine the mix of feelings you are having right now. I know time makes a lot of things better and I hope this is one of them! Normally on here we read about gay guys falling in love with a straight guy (which is my story and yes, even after a year I am still in love with him.)...but your situation is the the flip side. I hope your friendship with your female friend continues as it was! I wish you all the best and please keep us posted!!

 

[Rolyo85]

It's not emptiness you're feeling. You were living a lie, but it was your security blanket. There is nothing "me against the world" in being ashamed of who you are. The only thing you've lost is the false security of not having to face the world as who you are.

As for your girl trouble, that comes and goes. Give her some space and some time, and she'll deal. If she doesn't, that tells you how little actual friendship you had with her and how much of it was just her crushing on you.

And don't wish you were straight It's a waste of time, and a sign of internalized homophobia. Which, I assure you, you do not need in your life

 

[wikke1]

And don't wish you were straight It's a waste of time, and a sign of internalized homophobia. Which, I assure you, you do not need in your life

I have to agree.
I "suffer" from this.
I hope I can work it out on myself. By reading, listening, thinking and writing.
If not, maybe I need therapy?

 

[sixthson]

You don't need therapy. You just need experience living honestly for the first time in your life. You have begun that by telling others. You will be fine, buddy. Keep us updated.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yes, there is nothing else you need, but living openly and without shame.

 

[Seasoned]

Therapy will always be there anytime you are stuck. It can be the only place to sort out your innermost thoughts. Consider it if in six months, let's say, you still have thoughts of preferring to be straight. Healthy living comes mostly from acceptance of the things you can't change.

I can understand how you feel as if something is missing now that you're out. I'm going to suggest it's all the time that was spent on your inner dialogue. You're free to give that up now and put that energy into other activities, be it professional development, entertainment or whatever.

I want to congratulate you for coming out. I'd be very surprised if you couldn't list many tangible benefits by this time next year.

Welcome to JUB and good luck to you.

 

[WyvernLord]

I know exactly what you're feeling. The first time I came out to anyone I was cornered with the matter. Even though it was my two closest friends (a bisexual guy and a girl, so I knew I didn't have to worry about rejection) they still forced it out of me when I wasn't ready. I felt extremely empty, exposed, vulnerable, and uncomfortable, and felt what could only be described as shame around them.

As a condition of telling them though, I demanded that we never speak of it. So we didn't. For a whole year. And let me tell you, that's the worst thing you can do. That's denying yourself the experience and the acceptance process.

It took over a year, until this summer, for me to tell anyone else. That only happened after I made friends with a recently out gay guy, and saw that I could be out and still have my same life without turning it completely upside down. Now I still have the same friends before, and plenty of new ones. The only change is that now I get to go to gay clubs--with my straight guy friends no less.

Each time I told someone new, I was able to slowly acclimate myself to living a more honest life. "It gets better" each time you do it. It feels better. Giggity.

So what I'm saying is, the first people you tell, yeah, it's gonna feel like you're getting pantsed in public. You're gonna feel exposed. Because now someone else can see that previously completely private part of your life--that dirty secret. But as you tell more people, the feeling will become much more positive. It won't be about exposure, it'll be about trust. It won't be admitting, it'll be announcing proudly, because you've got a growing group of friends/family behind you for support.

 

[Robbert]

Okay so lets be honest with yourself just count on what gay people got and straight people got

Gay people :

.In my opinion better sex
.More romance (Which I think is important)
.And not having to fuck something that looks like something weird (I mean a vagina looks really gross)
.And have the guts to actually come out makes you a strong person

Straight :

Well I dont really know but far less then gay people

Feel happy you can now officially screw guys and have sex and get a BF. And dont worry about your girlfriend cause you didnt reject her your just gay

I feel like im writing something stupid and i forgot about the commas cause its such a waste of time but in my opinion being gay is the greatest thing that ever happened in my life and you should also feel like that.
Well i wish you luck with your life and i hope you enjoy it

And i almost forgot to tell you this you need to enjoy your life and it may sound selfish but make it good for yourself and not for others. If you like guys she has to accept it. Im still closeted too but i will come out very soon to my sister. Its because i have 2 sisters and 1 brother and its torture to come out to my mother

Greets, Robbert

 

[dannyschmidt2]

I'm worried that if I come out I'll feel the same things...

 

[Rolyo85]

This feeling - if it ever happen - passes. And one can always find new things to be afraid of when it comes to coming out, and new "reasons" not to do it. It's the reasons TO do it that count...

 

[TX-Beau]

You feel empty and exposed because you are no longer in control of your "secret."

It's to be expected, but you also feel massive relief that you no longer have to spend huge amounts of time and emotional investment to control your secret.

It's also important to remember that coming out is a process, not an event. It takes time - even after you tell people to deal with the remaining phobic clutter in your head.

After I had told everyone I ran around for awhile calling myself Straight acting/Appearing because I hadn't yet confronted my own negative phobic stereotypes about gay men, and didn't want to be associated with what my internalized homophobia was telling me wasn't being a man.

That kind of thing is natural, and to be expected, but the good news is that once you stop hiding - it may take some more time, but you've essentially got it beat.

Welcome to JUB!

..and welcome dannyschmidt2, start a thread if you want to talk about your specific situation, and we'll all come over!

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh yeah, to girl thing. It happens. There is a certain class of women who ALWAYS fall in love with the gay man in their lives. Some of them get downright nasty about it when you then run off with a guy.

Why does that happen? You'd have to ask a girl. I'm no expert on the female psyche.

You learn to deal with it - and also spot the warning signs.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

I feel like im writing something stupid and i forgot about the commas cause its such a waste of time ....

Using commas is never a waste of time because it helps the reader to group your words the way you meant them to be taken. Punctuation is designed, when used properly, to aid thought comprehension.

 

[wikke1]

I'm worried that if I come out I'll feel the same things...

Well, I didn't want this thread to be about a negative experience, or to make someone even more scared about coming out.

Let me just give you an overview of the last 2 weeks of my life:

- succesfull in my job, friends, hobbies, but miserable/scared
- sa 12/10- sun 12/11: most miserable weekend ever. visting family. having very dark thougths
- mon 12/12: receiving an e-mail from my mum asking me what is wrong
- thu 12/13-thur 12/15: being more miserable, started reading on this forum, crying, "facing"
- fri 16/12: in total agony: coming out to my parents. never expected (in my head) very sweet -all be it shocked- reaction by both my parents
- later that fri 16/12: coming out to my eldest sister. did some crying together. great supportive reaction
- sat 17/12: telling my other sister and brother in law (friend). great supportive reaction
- later that 17/12: telling 2 great female friends: great supportive reaction, altho (see thread title)
- sun 18/12: long talk with my mum
- mon 19/12-wed 21/12: reading a lot about other coming out experiences, watching youtube, getting more comfortable, feeling liberated (and yes, a bit empty as well)
- later that wed 21/12: coming out to my straight friend/colleague: great supportive reaction
- ...

Seriously, I havn't been happier in like maybe 10 years?
Yes, I feel a bit empty and strange, definetly still not 100% accepting of myself, but I still feel 100x better than last week!

Go for it!