For Ryan (Kristoff)
I had no idea when I received your last message that it would be the final one.
Nor, I suspect, did you. You had said yours and Vince's computer was down again, and you wanted to explain your pending absence. "Don't worry," you wrote, "I'll make notes of all the things that I want to say. I have to these days, or they're gone forever!
As Mr Schwartzennegger has been known to say, 'I'll be back.'
You went out of my life as gracefully as you entered it on the day after Christmas, 2007. You had not used the personal message feature on this forum before, and were shy about how it might be received. I let you know how welcome you would be on my pages anytime. You had read, you said, all I had written on the site, and found that we thought alike. So we began a regular exchange, punctuated only when your computer was down, and both of us treasured it. Your knowledge of American popular culture was astounding, far exceeding mine, even though you had never been to the USA.
It did not take long for us to discover that we had a mutual enemy...chronic clinical depression. Some days were so dark for you, you could not even find comfort in visiting our site. Remember when you wrote this: (regarding my comment that it irked me for people to say, "I know just how you feel," when they could not possibly know.)
"On discovering that I suffer from depression, I was depressed yesterday." No, no, no, NO. You may have felt sad yesterday, you may have been fed-up yesterday, but you were NOT depressed! Depression means a long-term battle against a CLINICAL condition -"fed-up is light years away. You aren't put on medication for "fed-up," you don't see psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists for "fed-up".....
You comforted me when my dear friend died unexpectedly of HIV+. "My prayers are with you, truly and also with *****. Although I never knew him, if he was much-loved by you, there's no greater recommendation. (pardon my pride).
and you signed it, "with much love and sorrow."
Your standard closing until that time was,
Good night.
Fond Regards.
Afterward the fond regards changed to "Much Love."
We both understood there was nothing sexual about our feelings or words. You let me know right away how much you loved and depended on Vince. But we are complex humans, and there is ample room for many kinds of love, and for different individuals.
I learned so much from you, Ryan, dear buddy. You were always sending me pictures of your family, your neighborhood, and you were kind to accept mine with compliments. Even if it were a load of blarny, I loved hearing it from you. I learned of your charming sense of humor, and shared many a chuckle, as well as some belly laughs.
I do not have a record of my messages to you, and therefore I do not know what my last words to you were. I hope they were appropriate, and filled with hope.
I'm trying hard here not to get mawkish.
It isn't easy.
Much love to you, too, now and always,
Charles
A reminder to us all: Take nothing for granted. We have only this moment, let us cherish each breath. Let's order our words as it they were our final ones. One of these days, they will be.
I had no idea when I received your last message that it would be the final one.
Nor, I suspect, did you. You had said yours and Vince's computer was down again, and you wanted to explain your pending absence. "Don't worry," you wrote, "I'll make notes of all the things that I want to say. I have to these days, or they're gone forever!
As Mr Schwartzennegger has been known to say, 'I'll be back.'
You went out of my life as gracefully as you entered it on the day after Christmas, 2007. You had not used the personal message feature on this forum before, and were shy about how it might be received. I let you know how welcome you would be on my pages anytime. You had read, you said, all I had written on the site, and found that we thought alike. So we began a regular exchange, punctuated only when your computer was down, and both of us treasured it. Your knowledge of American popular culture was astounding, far exceeding mine, even though you had never been to the USA.
It did not take long for us to discover that we had a mutual enemy...chronic clinical depression. Some days were so dark for you, you could not even find comfort in visiting our site. Remember when you wrote this: (regarding my comment that it irked me for people to say, "I know just how you feel," when they could not possibly know.)
"On discovering that I suffer from depression, I was depressed yesterday." No, no, no, NO. You may have felt sad yesterday, you may have been fed-up yesterday, but you were NOT depressed! Depression means a long-term battle against a CLINICAL condition -"fed-up is light years away. You aren't put on medication for "fed-up," you don't see psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists for "fed-up".....
You comforted me when my dear friend died unexpectedly of HIV+. "My prayers are with you, truly and also with *****. Although I never knew him, if he was much-loved by you, there's no greater recommendation. (pardon my pride).
and you signed it, "with much love and sorrow."
Your standard closing until that time was,
Good night.
Fond Regards.
Afterward the fond regards changed to "Much Love."
We both understood there was nothing sexual about our feelings or words. You let me know right away how much you loved and depended on Vince. But we are complex humans, and there is ample room for many kinds of love, and for different individuals.
I learned so much from you, Ryan, dear buddy. You were always sending me pictures of your family, your neighborhood, and you were kind to accept mine with compliments. Even if it were a load of blarny, I loved hearing it from you. I learned of your charming sense of humor, and shared many a chuckle, as well as some belly laughs.
I do not have a record of my messages to you, and therefore I do not know what my last words to you were. I hope they were appropriate, and filled with hope.
I'm trying hard here not to get mawkish.
It isn't easy.
Much love to you, too, now and always,
Charles
A reminder to us all: Take nothing for granted. We have only this moment, let us cherish each breath. Let's order our words as it they were our final ones. One of these days, they will be.