Raped(?)

[kadunud]

Hi, apologies if this is a bit of an incoherent ramble, I'm just confused and venting.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend raped me: we were in the middle of sex and I said it was starting to feel uncomfortable, he carried on, I tried to get him off of me but he used physical and verbal intimidation to keep me down and keep going until he came. In all, the non-consensual part probably lasted a good 15-20 minutes and was a lot rougher than normal, and left me feeling sore for a few days after.
When he was done I got a lousy apology that pretty much blamed me - along the lines of "Sorry I had to do that, but it's selfish of you not to let me finish". I went and slept on the sofa that night, but I think I love him - even though we've only been together 4 months - and the next day we just went on as usual, without even mentioning it.
What's really making me fucked up is how I feel about it now. When I think back, I like that he did it. At the time, it was awful - I was scared, himiliated, in pain - but now it's like I admire him for it. The way he took control. This makes me feel utterly pathetic - I mean, I was forced and I liked it? I'm staying with a guy who actually violated me? I always thought of myself as being a strong and intelligent person - and the rational part of me screams that I should get away from him ASAP. The other day he even referred to it jokingly, he wanted sex and told me "you know what'll happen if you say no". He's clearly unrepentent and thinks it's fine. And, for some reason, I seem to think it's fine too.
I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for here. I just want to stop feeling like such a wierdo and have the courage and sense to do what I know I should, but I just can't. I'm from Guyana, so there's absolutely nothing in the way of professionals that I could talk to about this, although even if there were I don't know what I'd say to them.

 

[paatreides]

It's fine to stay with him - IF you actually enjoy the role play and keep it safe for both of you.

Before you can allow that to happen, you must sit down and have a talk with him specifically about this kind of sex. You must settle on a word or phrase which puts an immediate stop to it if for any reason you get scared, uncomfortable, or are being hurt. And he must agree to play by that rule. If he doesn't then it doesn't happen - ever.

Domination and sado-masochistic sex can be fun if both parties enjoy it. If not, then it's rape and you need to throw him the fuck out. If you begin sex, he's hurting you, you tell him to stop and he doesn't: Knee the motherfucker in the balls and send his lame ass packing.

Sorry if you think I'm being too hard on you, but no one, no one, deserves to be raped and never has to put up with being forced to allow it to continue just so some asshole can get his rocks off. He's got hands - tell him to use them if he can't keep it enjoyable for you both.

 

[EJMichaels]

You said you like the way he took control. Okay, fine, but if you're talking about consensual BDSM, this would have to be fun if you gave him control willingly. I don't mean telling him what to do, but rather giving him your consent for him to make certain kinds of choices. I obviously don't have the whole story, but he sounds like a jerk. Submission is a precious gift you can give someone, not something a jerk takes from you without your consent. During the time an erotically dominant man is using your body, it's difficult to separate these things. The difference is in what happens before and after. Negotiation, consent, etc.

My web site has some links you might find useful - see the upper right side here. A few of them are specifically about consent and rape, but I can probably find other articles for you.

In the search for a BDSM partner, I ended up with people (male and female) who were more bullies than dominants. It took me a while to realize this because the abuse wasn't as obvious as rape. Once I saw them for what they were, I left. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary.

Some committed couples find out that the bottom/sub/masochist wants to be "mistreated" more extremely than the top can bring himself to do. He loves his partner too much to "hurt" him, even if he wants it. Some of those couples find a third person to do the deed while the top watches.

I hope things go well for you.

 

[palbert]

Unfortunately we have little information to guide us: age, student, provider, in country legally, housing, that kind of thing.

You are dealing with someone on the cusp between a bully and a selfish dominant. I would seriously consider his threat "you know what will happen if you say no." I personally would not have anything more to do with him sexually until each of you have a clear understanding of the limits in the sex-play: stop means stop.

The fact that you are from Guyana should have no bearing on your obtaining guidance.

I urge you to proceed cautiously: just because he has a racy bearing does not mean you cannot be hurt, physically and emotionally.

 

[justsimon]

Dump him and find yourself a dominant top who understands the importance of consent.

 

[cocksucker4use]

Hmmm. Sounds like you are young? If the dynamic in your relationship is playing out like a hetero stereotype....he MAN you Jane, this is probably an extension of that. It may be the way either or both of you perceive or expect relations to play out...his domination in the bedroom...I sympathize, as on some level it's attractive and even sexy, but it's not healthy. Examine your feelings and your options and leave if that's what you decide. You have a right to feel good about yourself and your relationship.

 

[BiFlexible]

I don't know what advice I can give other than these apparent facts:

You were raped. Liking it afterwards does not change the fact that he raped you and does not mean the his wrong is any less wrong. I do not know why anyone else have not said this. To me, BDSM talk is irrelevant; this was not BDSM. Hell knows, liking it could just be a result of the rape.

Your boyfriend either doesn't understand what rape is (or instinctual right and wrong) or he just doesn't care.

 

[palemale]

Following is the current (new and expanded) FBI definition of rape:

Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/advisory-policy-board

I realize you are not in the United States and the laws of Guyana may be different. However, in the United States under the FBI definition, you were not raped because you consented to being penetrated.

Of course, your concern isn't prosecuting your bf for a crime, but rather whether there is something wrong with you for "enjoying" the experience. We don't know how vociferously you tried to end the encounter. Did you communicate clearly to your bf that you wanted him to stop? Were you unequivocal in your request? It's not clear from your post.

Either way, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Once the cock is up your ass, your thought process isn't operating in the same way. The advice to discuss it with your bf, and to perhaps set parameters for future sex, is good. Human sexuality is quite complex. People of all genders, ethnicities and sexual orientations surprise themselves every day with the discovery of new sexual interests they probably never thought they would enjoy.

 

[EJMichaels]

^ Not stopping is relevant. Consent can be withdrawn - maybe not legally in most jurisdictions, but a legal definition is not the issue.

^^ He seemed to get that he was raped. The BDSM part is relevant if he's into it. It can be very confusing and should be sorted out.

 

[EJMichaels]

Several states have expanded the definition of rape to include situations in which consent was withdrawn mid-act.