Really confused and lost. Need help!!!!!!

[angieslist]

I need help. I’m 21 years old and virgin. I live in US for about 5 years. Recently I don’t know if I’m going through a phase or this is my transition to being gay. I moved from India about 5 years ago, I was always attracted to girls, I actually fell for couple girls in India (never get to do anything because of culture, but it was mutual understanding that we both like each other lot). When I came here, I was still attracted to girls, and only masturbated to girls in straight porn. I was poor and had to work lot during my college life plus since I didn’t speak English really well I was afraid to talk to girls. So I never had anybody here.
Recently on my 21st birthday, I start noticing receding hair lines, and that sent me into fear of balding. I feared I will be bald, ugly, and I’ll be alone forever. After one thing led to another, I start looking in my past in India, and started questioning my sexuality that may be I didn’t try hard to get a girl because I subconsciously don’t want them. Later my past came back haunting me, in India, guys tends to be really close. Your guy friends are everything to you, you hold their hands, you sleep together, in short physical touch between guys is no big deal. It’s also normal for one guy to huff (grind) with the other by pretending him as female because culturally you only get girls if you marry them. This kind of behavior is more prominent in the boarding school where they are just all guys. I had a few sexual encounters with guys. (I should use boys here because we were all boys-under 15 around the same age). I wasn’t emotionally attached to them or anything it was pure out of curiosity and desperateness. I never saw guys as attractive, matter of fact I didn’t even think about them. I was always attracted to girls, and never thought about the men.
But Now, I’m questioning if I’m gay or not because of my past. I tell myself that it was pure sexual desperateness and curiosity, nothing more. But I’m question if I’m in denial. I admire and envy men but I never in attractive or sexual way.

Last night, my roommate half naked came in my room to chat with me, I was half naked too. We were talking my admission process in law school. My brain as always started testing if I’m attracted to this dude. It was weird feeling, I was angry that why am I constantly testing myself. Second, quiet night, alone, and half-naked brought me back those vivid memories from the boarding school in India. Then I started to think about the possibility of what if he touched me accidentally and what if I like it? This kind of thinking led me to believe that somewhat I want that. But at that same time I don’t want to have sex with men. I never thought about them even in my dreams, its always been girls. I’m afraid what if I’m gay. I don’t like men, never did, I had few encounters with boys when I was a kid, but boys don’t have any feature of men, they are unisex in a way.
This is giving me lot of anxiety, and I am constantly sad and scared. I know I’m not gay, and I don’t even think about men in that way. But me not being with a girl, my boy band adventure and me constantly going to this circular arguments if I’m gay or not (what if I’m gay-then I present proof to myself that I am not-but then I question what if I’m denial-and just keep going this way in a circular way) is affecting my life in a negative way. I start thinking/imagining the scenarios of what if I turned out to be gay. Obviously I’m scares of social stigma, and second I know I’m not but why the fuck am I over thinking this. I’m a mess, I avoid few friends that I have, I don’t even remember when was the last time I did something really fun. I’m alone, one of my friend is a pick up artist he offered to teach me the game, I was excited but this cloud of confusion is really shattering my confidence and motivation to do anything. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up and think that I’m really a gay, but then I am not attracted to guys. I thought about watching gay porn, but then I had fear of what if I like it. It’s not that I’m in denial in this particular matter. But I like straight anal porn because of love of power and forbidden fruit. So I’m afraid because I like anal porn, I might like the gay porn and will lead even to deeper anxiety. Then then I question again what if I’m denial because I had this perfect excuse. I want to fuck girls until their brain explode. I recently took steps to stop watching porn because it’s not real and I don’t want to get disappointed in real life.
I searched lot of forums and know that if people are gay then they usually know it but hide it. My problem is what if I am and I don’t know it. I don’t even know if I’m blowing this out of proportions or this is just a phase. Since a kid, I always dreamed of being emotionally attached to my girlfriends and having kids and a normal life. With this kind of anxiety I’m even afraid to dream. I’m even afraid to make out with a girl because my confidence is low and fear of what if I don’t like it.

I’m sorry for a long essay, there is more but I feel like I hit the key points. I can’t tell if this a phase that comes with a age, or that recently I looked in my past and didn’t like what I did so now I’m started to become more aware and question every little things so I won’t regret later. Or maybe I’m disappointed that my life is turning out the way I wanted – I am smart, and always thought I would do great things down the road but recently I didn’t get into law school and like I said one thing led to another, so I don’t know if all these factors are stressing me out. I don’t even know what should be my ending question here asking for help.
Please share any thoughts or reflections you have. Thank you very much.
P.S. Sorry for bad English.

 

[silentalk]

First of all, your English wasn't bad at all. Second: What I can assume here is that you're kind of playing mind games with yourself. If you've never been attracted to guys (Experimentation when you were a kid doesn't count), if you've never been sexually or emotionally attracted to a male, there's no reason to change that now. Just because you guys are more physical in India and OK with that doesn't mean you're gay.

I'm not sure, but there might be something else going on here. How's life in general? And how's your social and love life in particular?

 

[Ninjato]

Forbidden fruit hahaha. It doesn't mean you're gay if you like anal sex. You're at the point in life where a lot of people are Curious. And sometimes people explore their curiosities. I say bite the bullet and watch some gay porn lol. Even if you like it, that doesn't mean that you're gay. If you don't like it, I would think that you're straight most likely.

I wouldn't think about your past too much. What matters is what you like and want now. Try not to think about any of the issues you'd have if you are gay. You may like girls and boys or you may like girls a lot and boys a little too or vice versa.

Just because you're not going out and seeking girls doesn't mean anything. Seems like you're focusing more on school and having some trouble talking to girls. You didn't mention ever liking a guy so it seems like you're questioning your sexuality because you haven't been with a

 

[Seasoned]

You need to quiet your mind and stop the racing in your brain. You are questioning your sexual orientation. Start by looking at your fantasies. If your school provides health services you may wish to see a mental health counselor to help you sort things out. Best wishes.

 

[angieslist]

First of all, your English wasn't bad at all. Second: What I can assume here is that you're kind of playing mind games with yourself. If you've never been attracted to guys (Experimentation when you were a kid doesn't count), if you've never been sexually or emotionally attracted to a male, there's no reason to change that now. Just because you guys are more physical in India and OK with that doesn't mean you're gay.

I'm not sure, but there might be something else going on here. How's life in general? And how's your social and love life in particular?

It's ok. I'm fitting in. I'm also going through a phase where I always thought I was somebody but recently not getting into law school, my roommates are already in the law schools and having time of their life, is kind of a wake up call that I'm not what I thought I was. Or may be this is the phase where I'm stepping into real life. What I mean by that is I understood American culture and social interaction through media (movies, shows, articles and you can include porn). But as you know it's not that way at all. I understand that now because I understand the language. (I didn't speak English when I first came here). My roommates are constantly hanging out with girls and partying. Because of past ego and busy work life during college I missed out on that (still a virgin) and now it feels like it will be super hard for me to fit in without hurting my ego. I know ego is bad, I'm working on it right now.

Other than that, I'm not in a relatioship or anything. I hang out with a family lot and roommates occasionally.

 

[angieslist]

You need to quiet your mind and stop the racing in your brain. You are questioning your sexual orientation. Start by looking at your fantasies. If your school provides health services you may wish to see a mental health counselor to help you sort things out. Best wishes.

My fantasies include making out with girls in the real life and with porn stars. I mix it them up because I don't have any real life experience or framework to look up to. I do see that I think lot but I just wanted to confirm that I'm not in denial and problem is not that I'm gay but the problem is that I'm alone and usually deep in thoughts.

This is been the quest of why I over think things. I can't afford psyche so I'm trying to figure out on my own.

 

[angieslist]

Thank you guys. I just wanted to get your opinions so I know where the problem lies. I may have OCD where I tend to over think things lot or may be I'm sexually confused. Either way I just wanted to know that I'm not in denial or just wanted reflection of myself from others, info I have listed here is my darkest secret so now I now I should avoid these thoughts and not feeling guilty of denial.

I have never bullied homosexuals in my life, but because of this experience I'll promise I'll go out of way to defend them if needs to be, this is how much I appreciate this.

Thank you.

 

[silentalk]

You're most welcome . Let us know if you need anything