Recurring theme...

[fetaby]

It seems that my life is but a pattern of recurring themes. I go up, I go down. (pun not intended. ) But this is my problem as of late.

I'm out kinda, proud kinda, and tired of it all. I've been dating a man for the past 2-3 months. Started up with him in July. He is by far the best man I've ever met in my life. Smart, driven, ambitious, goal oriented, good lookin, in better than average shape, by far the best lover I've ever had. He's so giving in the sack I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of him. He says he loves me. He says he wants me to marry him. He says he wants me in his life for the rest of his.

So what's the problem? There's something that is stopping me, a tiny fear. I can't ever put my finger on it. It flairs up when we aren't together, which is often because of our work schedules. I work a full time on a rotating shift, he works what is basically 3 full time jobs. At first I thought the age difference between us would be the breaker. Nope. I'm not so naive to know that your only as old as you feel. I'm 30 and some days I feel 60. He's 49 but he lives in a state of joy like a teenager, or it seems like that to me. So then I told myself it was my conditioned attractions, nope. I find myself attracted to a wide array of types. Many of which he fits.

I don't think I've ever experienced what people consider "true love". I grew up watching tv and at one time thought the romances I saw there typified it. I've since realised it's never that glorified and is really based on respect and communication. And still there is this tiny fear.

I'm venting. I expect there are others that can identify with what I'm going through. I honestly didn't know if I should make this thread in this forum or health and well being. I'm never really tripped up by it all, but things are happening between us that I never expected. It seems that all my dreams and hopes could be realised by this one man, and still I fear. I'll elaborate if necessary. But know a bigger fear is that I will fuck this up and lose out on the best man I've ever known. Cinderella walking the tight rope.

Ugh, going to bed, have to be at work bright and early on da Saturday.

And if anyone reading this feels they are in a worse situation I give you every right to call me a dumbass and back up out of this thread.

 

[bankside]

When I met my guy it was not love at first sight, but I knew the potential was there. When we got to know each other a little better, it became obvious to me that my strategy should be not to worry about obstacles that could arise, but only about how to remove the obstacles.

When we got to know each other much better, I was in love with him. He felt the same way. However by that point I would have offered myself up on a plate and said take it or leave it, without really caring what his answer was, to be honest. It was more important for me to make a place for him in my life and to let him know it was his for the taking, than to worry about "being loved back." Love is a gift, not a contract.

Anyhow, I'm not sure I do identify with your situation, but if my answer can be any help, I hope it will be. Maybe if he wasn't the one, I would have felt differently. So far it is 12 happy years. He meets many if not all of the things I would have had in mind before I met him. But once I met him, I didn't give a damn about my list. I love feeling this way about someone, and I love being in a relationship based on that. I think my next best alternative would be "single" rather than "close enough."

 

[HockeyGuy89]

I don't see what the problem is? He sounds like a great guy. Very hardworking, and makes you happy. You just don't see him enough?

 

[fetaby]

Bankside hit a lil closer hockey. I've had a conversation with a very dear friend tonight after I posted this thread, she told me to fuck my self-pride. It's my hangups and insecurites that aren't allowing me and me man to get where I ultimately want us to go. I told him as much tonight, and apologized for doing this. He passes it off as next to nothing. Cause to him, it doesn't matter, he know how he feels and knows what he wants. Me. I'm lucky.

I was considering asking a mod. to remove this thread as it hits a lil closer to home than I'm comfortable with here at JUB, but on second thought what would be the point of that. To run away and hide from myself, bury my head in the sand. No. This thread will stand.

Thank you fellas for reading this. It means a lot to me to know that there are people in the world who care. Time for me to start being one again.

 

[crubbed]

So, you've overcome your problems? That's great. Your man sounds like a really nice guy, it must have been easy to fall for him. Nevertheless, I think that there's nothing bad in feeling a little distance. I think it's okay you're holding back a little. Of course it's because of your past experiences. You don't want to be burnt again, and you don't believe such a beautiful thing is happening to you.

I'm not the best advicer out there but for what it's worth I say give it some time. Enjoy the moment, even if it looks too good to be true. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

 

[StlKj]

In life, there are facts about you, and then there are "truths." The facts won't change--where you were born, when you were born, etc.

The "truths" are the things you "know" to be "true" about you. They're true only because you tell yourself they are. They're based solely on the past, and the fears, insecurities, and, yes, patterns you've had up until now. They're true because you believe them to be true.

So, change what you "know" to be "true" about you. Decide how you want to feel now and in the future, and then make it so.

 

[Muscles4daze]

Bankside hit a lil closer hockey. I've had a conversation with a very dear friend tonight after I posted this thread, she told me to fuck my self-pride. It's my hangups and insecurites that aren't allowing me and me man to get where I ultimately want us to go. I told him as much tonight, and apologized for doing this. He passes it off as next to nothing. Cause to him, it doesn't matter, he know how he feels and knows what he wants. Me. I'm lucky.

I was considering asking a mod. to remove this thread as it hits a lil closer to home than I'm comfortable with here at JUB, but on second thought what would be the point of that. To run away and hide from myself, bury my head in the sand. No. This thread will stand.

Thank you fellas for reading this. It means a lot to me to know that there are people in the world who care. Time for me to start being one again.

Hey Feta

I think a lot of this is fairly new to you, so a little anxiety would be expected. Just take it one day at a time, and appreciate the fact that you have found something that so many people search for (in relationships). Anytime that fear rears it's head, just think how your life would be without him

 

[KingofFaeries]

Good Luck with your man. You all sound like you make a good couple.

Don't worry so much about what has happened or what might happen all that matters is what is happening. If you feel you're drifting out to sea ask him to throw you a lifeline. If you feel boxed in and claustrophobic ask him to open a window. Every relationship no matter how perfect has issues. How you deal with those issues is what makes or breaks said relationship. If you keep the lines of communication open between you and him you'll prolly be with him til one of you dies.

 

[tonyboy]

It seems that my life is but a pattern of recurring themes. I go up, I go down. (pun not intended. ) But this is my problem as of late.

I'm out kinda, proud kinda, and tired of it all. I've been dating a man for the past 2-3 months. Started up with him in July. He is by far the best man I've ever met in my life. Smart, driven, ambitious, goal oriented, good lookin, in better than average shape, by far the best lover I've ever had. He's so giving in the sack I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of him. He says he loves me. He says he wants me to marry him. He says he wants me in his life for the rest of his.

So what's the problem? There's something that is stopping me, a tiny fear. I can't ever put my finger on it. It flairs up when we aren't together, which is often because of our work schedules. I work a full time on a rotating shift, he works what is basically 3 full time jobs. At first I thought the age difference between us would be the breaker. Nope. I'm not so naive to know that your only as old as you feel. I'm 30 and some days I feel 60. He's 49 but he lives in a state of joy like a teenager, or it seems like that to me. So then I told myself it was my conditioned attractions, nope. I find myself attracted to a wide array of types. Many of which he fits.

I don't think I've ever experienced what people consider "true love". I grew up watching tv and at one time thought the romances I saw there typified it. I've since realised it's never that glorified and is really based on respect and communication. And still there is this tiny fear.

I'm venting. I expect there are others that can identify with what I'm going through. I honestly didn't know if I should make this thread in this forum or health and well being. I'm never really tripped up by it all, but things are happening between us that I never expected. It seems that all my dreams and hopes could be realised by this one man, and still I fear. I'll elaborate if necessary. But know a bigger fear is that I will fuck this up and lose out on the best man I've ever known. Cinderella walking the tight rope.

Ugh, going to bed, have to be at work bright and early on da Saturday.

And if anyone reading this feels they are in a worse situation I give you every right to call me a dumbass and back up out of this thread.

Man... you know me... and I always told you I'd be uprfont and honest with you..

You have a good thing going... granted it's only been a few months so far.. and yeah, you may have some fears about if it's going to last or not.... but only time will tell.
I think it will, you are a very good guy, and from what I now about your b/f I figure he is as well.
Nothing is certain in this world man.. gay relationships are more uncertain than straight marriages are.

So what if he loves to have sex with you and his very giving to you sexually? What does that matter? Not sure why you'd bring that up. He loves to make love with you... why is that a problem?
I"d say that it's a good thing, he loves the way you make love to him. Seems to me you have a fine way of pleasing him... seems that you are good at making love with someone that loves you.

I do think that you are actaully trying to think of things to make you not want to be with him.. you mention the age difference... well if that is a prob then deal with it.
Seems to me you are just afraid of a commitment right now. That is something you will have to deal with.

There is always fear in making a commitment with someone my friend... Seems to my your partner does love you, yet you may be afraid of commiting yourself to one particular person.

That is all I will write on the open thread... if you care to ask me more then you pm me... we can talk more there..
later.

 

[Lefty]

at 16 or 18 that age difference can be up to almost insurmountable due to life/experience. as you mature, that mountain slows to a mole hill or speed bump...and who the hell is afraid of a little speed bump? i mean, speed bumps are there to slow not stop so go dude. its not like a

 

[fetaby]

Update?

I'll be the first to say, I'm a piece of work. In progress.

I was feeling a bit like Cinderella, scooped up out of oblivion into a world unfamiliar. Time goes by, now I'm feeling more like Goldilocks. Trying to figure out what is the best for me.

So far there is no competition at all. My bf is still the best man I've ever met. I'm blessed to have him in my life. Don't think for one second I'll do something stupid to fuck it all up.

The problem I have? I've never had anyone in my life treat me the way this man does. I don't know how to react. I can guess all I want, but again I don't want to eff this up. What we have going on is the real deal. Not some h.s. bullshit mindgame.

The only people I feel that has truly loved me in my life is my family, and one or two special friends. This is new for me. I'm dealing with the unfamiliar and dealing with my insecurities at the same time. It leaves me a lil shaky and doubting.

I'm making strides. Leaps and bounds. I've got to thank everyone who is trying to help me. All of you who have posted here did so of your own free will, and don't think I don't appreciate it. I do.

That said, it's time for me to go pick out which bed is right for me. Which porridge is right for me. And remind myself the whole time, I am worth it.

 

[Lefty]

of course YOU ARE WORTH IT. we don't waste our (collective, speaking for the group) time on people that aren't worth it.

 

[Runewell]

Sorry I'm coming along so late, but I thought I'd just add in...This is really good to hear! I totally understand that you've got a few things you're not sure about, but don't let those little doubts shake you! You seem to truly realize that this man is good for you, so let it be. I'm jealous actually XD

 

[Lube]

Everyone has doubts. I doubt anyone is ever 100% totally sure about anybody.

Another thing to think about: don't stay with him because you think he's the only person who will ever love you. There are undoubtedly other men who will.

But are they as good as he is? Only you can answer that.

 

[fetaby]

Everyone has doubts. I doubt anyone is ever 100% totally sure about anybody.

Another thing to think about: don't stay with him because you think he's the only person who will ever love you. There are undoubtedly other men who will.

But are they as good as he is? Only you can answer that.

And this is the dilema I'm finding myself in now. The deal? I JUB, I have access to the inner thoughts of thousands of gay men, whether or not this is true is debatable and preferably not here, but.

The facts, I do not have, nor desire the physical presence of more gay men. My man is more than I can handle as it is.

The conflict? Suppose I meet someone here, connect with them on this level. It's a crazy crazy thing this interwebz. I've been exposed to the stories my entire adult life.

How it twists people, or more so, how people let it twist them. It is a very real fear for me, that if I'm confronted with someone that rivals my man in terms of satisfying my need for love, I will not be strong enough to deny it. I may end up cheating in the cyber world, my mental world, and depending on distance and gas prices, the actual world.

This is a dangerous thing, I have a very good thing going. And a man who appears to love me unconditionally. That is left field for me, it's very much just been me for damn near forever.

I'm confronted with the option to "masturbate" my ego. It is a powerfull thing. I fear it. Wish me success, and know if I disappear for a lil while, it's because I need to refocus on my own life, and be a lil more selfish for myself. Not that I don't appreciate everything going on here, the good and the bad.

I'm still learning what it all means to me, and how to carry myself. Wish me success in that.

 

[Lidocaine]

If you are truly committed to him and the relationship... I would consider it almost vital that you share these feelings with him. At least to a certain extent.

Look at it this way (and I'm speaking from your guy's point of view as I'm was in a similar situation)... You're faced with a problem that involves both of you, whether you like it or not. Essentially, you're going about making this decision on your own. I'm all about independence, but if you love and are loved... and you want to be with this person... don't give it up.

Tomorrow isn't even guaranteed. Nothing in life is 100% certain.
But holding someone hostage to your indecision can be worse than breaking his heart.

 

[Lube]

The conflict? Suppose I meet someone here, connect with them on this level. It's a crazy crazy thing this interwebz.

There are 6 billion people on earth; thus, 3 billion men; thus 300 million gay men.

There is a very, very high chance that there is another man out there who is a "more perfect" match for you than your current boyfriend.

But, what is the chance that you will meet this person? How long are you willing to wait? And what is the chance that someone else will come along?

This is a problem I see in gay men all the time: totally unable to commit. Since there is no pressure from society on gay men to marry before having a family (like there is for straight guys), many (most?) gay men just live their lives in limbo.

They're in their 20's, then 30's, then 40's, then 50's... and still with no boyfriend. Unwilling to commit.

When are you ever sure? You're not ever sure. Never. You have to ask yourself, "Is this pretty damn good?". And if it is, you go with it.

There are no guarantees in life.

 

[fetaby]

There are 6 billion people on earth; thus, 3 billion men; thus 300 million gay men.

There is a very, very high chance that there is another man out there who is a "more perfect" match for you than your current boyfriend.

But, what is the chance that you will meet this person? How long are you willing to wait? And what is the chance that someone else will come along?

This is a problem I see in gay men all the time: totally unable to commit. Since there is no pressure from society on gay men to marry before having a family (like there is for straight guys), many (most?) gay men just live their lives in limbo.

They're in their 20's, then 30's, then 40's, then 50's... and still with no boyfriend. Unwilling to commit.

When are you ever sure? You're not ever sure. Never. You have to ask yourself, "Is this pretty damn good?". And if it is, you go with it.

There are no guarantees in life.

And somehow Lou, you've managed to hit the nail on the freaking head. More or less.

And now it is update time...

Picture this... Have you ever seen a hot wheel car? They have those tracks to race them on. It's like that, I feel like one of those cars and I've just hit one of those accelerators built into the framework of the track. And bless me if it doesn't go by fast!

I've been a busy lil beaver.. and I'm feeling great. In fact, better than I can ever remember feeling before. Why? you ask. Simple

Because I came upon a cross road in my life. I had to make a decision on what I wanted. It was the easiest choice I've ever had to make in ma entire misguided life. So what was it?

I had to decide if I want to truly be happy? or if I wanted to continue experiencing the
recurring themes of my life indefinitely.

Like I said, easy choice.

It is true that I have a habit of deluding myself. This is a mental behaviour pattern that I will have to learn how to break.. And just let me say, that intense physical gratification is a wonderful therapy device and I whole heartedly recommend it, if you know what I mean. Can I get an amen?

Right now, I am in a period of adjustment.

You fellas want the real skinny? My boyfriend is now officially my fiance. He has afforded me the opportunity to chase whatever dream I desire. The only thing he asks of me is to be respectful of our relationship (he knows I don't believe I can define true love, and doesn't expect that of me) and to be happy. I am by far the luckiest man in da whole fucking world right now. And I sincerely hope that any one reading this can one day experience the joy and sense of overwhelming beauty and peace that I have been experiencing these past few days. When the shit hits the fan, it becomes very real how much stink a person can take. Appearently I've had a bad habit of flipping the switch on that fan, and wondering what in the hell is going on.

Tee hee, I'm so fucking excited. It's so easy to say, nevermore.
Thanks Poe.

 

[Lube]

And somehow Lou, you've managed to hit the nail on the freaking head. More or less.

And now it is update time...

And just let me say, that intense physical gratification is a wonderful therapy device and I whole heartedly recommend it, if you know what I mean. Can I get an amen?

Amen.

Hallelujah!

You fellas want the real skinny? My boyfriend is now officially my fiance. He has afforded me the opportunity to chase whatever dream I desire. The only thing he asks of me is to be respectful of our relationship (he knows I don't believe I can define true love, and doesn't expect that of me) and to be happy. I am by far the luckiest man in da whole fucking world right now. And I sincerely hope that any one reading this can one day experience the joy and sense of overwhelming beauty and peace that I have been experiencing these past few days. When the shit hits the fan, it becomes very real how much stink a person can take. Appearently I've had a bad habit of flipping the switch on that fan, and wondering what in the hell is going on.

Tee hee, I'm so fucking excited. It's so easy to say, nevermore.
Thanks Poe.

Congratulations! I'm so excited for you!