Relationship advice, please!

[btgk86]

Here's what's going on, as concisely as possible.

- I've been dating this guy for over a year now, and we're really in love. We're both really happy together, and he's also my first boyfriend. Needless to say, things are going great and we've never clashed or fought or anything, and we care about each other deeply.
- A few months ago, he hit the clubs with some of his girl friends, but I couldn't go. He got really drunk and ended up fooling around with a random guy in his car - just oral stuff.
- He was upfront and honest with me about everything, and was genuinely sorry for what he did. I believe him when he says he's sorry, and I forgave him. I still love him a lot, and he still expresses how much he loves me too.
- But then, he ended up testing positive for oral herpes (HSV-1). Again, he's been upfront and honest with me about everything. This one was a little harder to take in. I did some research and understand it's super common and almost half the population has it, so it could've been worse... but still not ideal.
- Now, lately I've been feeling some soreness under my chin and I'm worried as hell I may have gotten it from him. I haven't confronted my bf about it yet.

I'm just so confused and upset. Initially, when my bf confessed to everything, he said that if I wanted to end things and just stay friends, he would be supportive of that decision. Honestly, I'm just not ready to end things with him. I feel like things are just beginning, and we're so extremely happy together. We're both really caring and sweet to each other, and both mellow and mild-mannered so we've never got in a fight about anything (except the situation above, but it was a very calm discussion, no anger).

I forgive him for what he did, and he promises he'll never do anything like that again and that it kinda ruined going out to clubs for him anymore. I forgive him, but I just don't know how to get over it. I'm so happy when I'm with him, but whenever I think about what happened I get sad. But I know I'll be even more depressed if we break up. As sucky as the situation was though, I feel like it brought us closer together because it was our first major relationship hurdle, and he realizes even more how much more he loves me and is committed to me, and that I'm the one he wants to be with.

On the other hand, he is my first relationship ever, so is it foolish of me to expect things to work out? We've both expressed how much we love each other and that we could be together for a long time. I don't know what I would do without him - does that make me really needy? But also, now that I may have oral herpes, if we do break up, it may be harder for me to find another partner. The fact that all of this happened just sucks big time.

So I guess the reason I'm posting this is to gather some opinions... I want to stay with him, that's no question, but I just don't know how to get over this and not be sad about it anymore. Also about dating with oral herpes. I'm just so confused and stressed out right now and could really use some help and comforting. Thanks.

 

[Dash75]

How old are you two, and are you his first boyfriend?

 

[lonnie1]

Try to separate sex from love and intimacy. Sex can be an important element of love, but true love is so much more than sex.
Also, oral herpes is very common in the general population and usually manifests itself as coldsores. If you're having other problems with your mouth, you should see a doctor. I've been involved with many, many guys over the years and I have yet to have anyone tell me they have oral herpes before getting involved. Generally, they are not seen as the same disease as genital herpes in the gay community (although they may be). Hang in there and perhaps use this as an opportunity to discuss how you might handle your sexual relationship after you've been monogamous for 5 or 10 years. Someone (including you), will probably get the itch to experience something different.

 

[kallipolis]

When you are loved, and you love in return, nothing else matters.

 

[KaraBulut]

...
- But then, he ended up testing positive for oral herpes (HSV-1). Again, he's been upfront and honest with me about everything. This one was a little harder to take in. I did some research and understand it's super common and almost half the population has it, so it could've been worse... but still not ideal.
- Now, lately I've been feeling some soreness under my chin and I'm worried as hell I may have gotten it from him. I haven't confronted my bf about it yet.

About 60-70% of the western population contracts HSV-1 by the time they reach adulthood. Once you have it, you have it for life. It's possible that he contracted it from this little tryst but it's far more likely that he already had it.

But this isn't really about HSV, is it?

...I'm just so confused and upset. Initially, when my bf confessed to everything, he said that if I wanted to end things and just stay friends, he would be supportive of that decision. Honestly, I'm just not ready to end things with him...
I forgive him for what he did, and he promises he'll never do anything like that again and that it kinda ruined going out to clubs for him anymore. I forgive him, but I just don't know how to get over it.
... I want to stay with him, that's no question, but I just don't know how to get over this and not be sad about it anymore...

He'll do something like that again. There's a good chance that you're going to slip up, too. It's human nature.

What's worrisome is not that he got his weenie wet with a stranger. What's worrisome is that on a night out without you, after a few drinks, he's out in the parking lot making out with a stranger. That's something that he needs to give some thought to.

That's not to say that it's the end of your relationship. It just means that the two of you need to be more realistic about human nature. If you're in this for the long haul, the you need to take a look at the bigger picture. If this is a good relationship, then throwing it all away over a single incident isn't necessarily the best thing for either of you.

Have a discussion about what it means to "cheat" and what your expectations are from yourself and from each other. If monogamy is something that is important to both of you, then you need to give some thought to what it takes to be truly faithful to your relationship. It may be that avoiding alcohol, avoiding social/hookup apps, avoid going out to gay bars and finding ways to avoid other temptations is the best strategy for both of you.

On the other hand, if you're more negotiable on the subject of absolute monogamy, then you need to have a realistic conversation about what constitutes "cheating". For a lot of men in long-term relationships with other men, there's a line that both parties agree not to cross. Sometimes that line requires absolute honesty. Sometimes that line requires only NSA contacts. Sometimes that line means only three-ways where both members of the couple are present.

 

[Seasoned]

It's easy to stay stuck in sad if you haven't gotten through being mad and being hurt. Don't be surprised if those two feeling come up and even the idea of revenge sex even after you think you've forgiven him. Real forgiveness is deep and has more to do with you than him and it's difficult to do. You'll know when you've really forgiven because you'll have different thoughts and no strong feelings when it enters your mind.

It's natural to wonder if and when it will happen again. While alcohol lowers inihibtions it's not an excuse. Anything "needing" alcohol can be done without it.

Whether you guys make it or not you'll be fine if you remember that you're a complete person in or out of a relationship. All the best.

 

[eastofeden]

I love that he is honest. As someone who has spent pretty much my entire adult life in relationships....I can say with no hesitation that honesty and communication are the two qualities I need.....and if a guy has sex with someone else...I "get it"....as long as there is honesty I'm good.

 

[btgk86]

Thanks everyone for the words. It helps a lot, since I couldn't really talk to anyone about it other than my boyfriend. To answer someone else's question btw, I'm 23, he's 26, he's the first I've ever dated or been with (yeah, I'm a late bloomer), and he's had a little more experience, shall we say.