Relationship Advice

[DmitriyEM]

So a few months ago I met a guy on adam4adam of all places and we started dating. It's been almost three months that we've been seeing each other. Keep in mind this is the first guy I've been on a more than one date with in 4 years time. So he's here in NYC where we both live after completing medical school in Syria in order to obtain residency. Which basically means he's trying to get hired by a hospital, not only to move on with his career but to also stay in this country. His visa expires in February and he's now applied for an extension until July because he really hasn't been getting that many interviews(even though there were some which he hasn't heard back from). Btw, we're both about the same age, i'm 24 1/2 and he just turned 25. I'm a an Eastern European Jewish guy who moved here when I was 3, and he's an Arab Muslim. While we don't have a ton in common, we still enjoy each other's presence. The one thing I don't like about him is that he doesn't drink because of religious reasons and refuses to even go out to dance because he's a little uncomfortable being in places where people drink, so our dates have largely consisted of going out to dinner, walks and going out for coffee, followed by fooling around in my backseat.
After date #2 he asks me whether I'm still sleeping with anyone else and tells me that he could never be with anyone sexually that he didn't get to know first and that he couldn't only be with one person. Of course I responded with "no, not sleeping with anyone". After date #3 I started to question if I want to continue seeing him because I realized that we honestly didn't have much to talk about, even though I know a lot about his culture. Furthermore I started to wonder whether or not I was really all that physically attracted to him. Regardless I kept seeing him and things got better. Around date #6 I asked him what he thought about us and he said that he didn't want to label our relationship as a relationship in the event that he moves so that my feelings aren't hurt. However he did say that he enjoyed being with me and saw us as friends with benefits who also have feelings for each other(if such a thing exists, who knows lol).
So keep in mind, since date #2 I haven't slept with anyone but did increasingly become attracted to other people as I began losing interested around date #4. But since then I did sleep with 2 guys without telling him. The problem is that this has racked me with quite a bit of guilt, especially since I genuinely feel emotionally attracted to him and would like to be in a relationship with him if he ends up being hired at a hospital here in NYC. However I am not entirely sexually satisfied. While I'm not really all that into anal, he's a total top and I'm completely vers and he won't even give me head unless I ask him too, and it's nothing special. And honestly that's the one thing that I love most sexually, which is probably the reason I wanna sleep with other people. To make things worse: I really haven't enjoyed it other people, especially if they try to kiss me. I feel like that intimacy is something I can only reserve for him but at the same time, I feel like I can't stop myself when the opportunity to have sex with other guys arises, partly because he's relegated what I thought was something that was going to be a relationship into a "romantic friendship" of sorts.

So what do you think I should do???

Should I be honest with him???

 

[swerve]

I'm NOT ENTIRELY SURE what your question is...

But THANKS for sharing your story...

BOTH you and him are the epitome of WHY I like NYC so much -- such great diversity!!!

Having said that -- it is probably VERY CHALLENGING for your friend to be on such uncertain ground as an expiring Visa...

I suspect that he is trying to protect BOTH of you from further pain by fully committing (just in case he has to physically LEAVE)...

It SUCKS that our world keeps LOVE apart through its boundaries...

Wishing BOTH of you the BEST!!!

And keep us posted!!!

 

[TX-Beau]

Hmnm, of course this is based on my experiences, I've never met a guy who was sure about wanting to be with me, that didn't say so, and try to overcome obstacles.

Every time I've said, or heard, something from that family of excuse, it didn't work out, and I usually knew it wasn't going to.

Now I'm American born and bred and maybe Arab guys are different, but I'd take him at his word that he doesn't want exclusivity, and if he then tries to pull a double standard, walk.

Plus he sounds like he's got some sex hangups, and you don't really sound all that into him either - I kept thinking that the only reason you were still in this was because of the time you'd invested already.

Look, brass tacks, you probably know he'd freak about the other guys or you'd have already told him - technically a free agent or not - and that means that you are "cheating," already after only six dates.

Your actions speak, listen to them.

 

[DmitriyEM]

One thing I've considered is that he's not all that comfortable being gay yet and this may be part of why he isn't ready to label us as together. He's not out to anybody in his family or friends or even the people he's subletting from and I'm the first guy he's dated and the 4th guy he's ever messed with. Maybe it's his cultural upbringing.
At this point we've gone out about 12 times and I've come to the conclusion that I really do want to be with him, I'm even ready to invite him to my family's "holiday party" but the last thing I would want to do is introduce him as my friend, because he's more than that to me and for once I would like to show to my family that that I have someone in my life. The sex thing isn't helping: I'm have OCD and a history of compulsive sexual behavior, which is why it's so difficult for me to stop "cheating"(keep in mind I just got a smartphone and may have deleted and installe grinder over and over again at least 20 times in the last week).
I also am considering that if I tell him the truth, he may very well be crushed because I am his first. Also despite his labelling of us as being "friends", he's always initiating hand holding, and wanted to cuddle after sex which continues to confuse the shit of me, which isn't really you act when you're a "friend with benefits".

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, just added several very important layers to your problem.

Oh Jesus, Muslim closet case. (LOL see what I did there) Plain Old American Closet cases are in no position to date anyone. Be his friend, go date someone else and you can revisit this when it has a chance in hell of working.

You stick around, you going to be torutured with mixed signals, hidden in the shame box, called "friend," excluded from his inner circle, fucked in the black of the night, furtuvely shipped out come dawn, you get the picture.

Guys who can't deal with themselves because they are gay, can't deal with a boyfriend, because that is evidence. You can't fix this. Your life your choice, to ride the drama, or not to ride the drama.

You don't have to kick him to the curb - in fact I think you should go on being his friends, but maybe you should consider making a no promises, no boyfriends rule of your own until the man is AT LEAST out to his friends.

Forget the "cheating," it's irrelevant in this situation and I agree it would do more harm to tell him in this context.

Then you sit down with him and talk about the gay and the out and what he actually feels about that = a conversation that DOES NOT INCLUDE discussion of your relationship, it's the first step towards that closet door.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'd follow TX-Beau's advice.

Also, if you are having doubts after the second date, it's a good indicator you should not be continuing with this. You're not all that interested in him, and he has tons of issues to deal with before he's a good prospect for anyone.

And are you sure the whole "emotional attraction" isn't due to the fact that you haven't been dating in a while?

 

[genthree]

Being in America since you were 3 , so I presume all your cultural habits are American.
You have to do a bit of research on the Muslim attitude to gay sex, and relationships.(not just gay)
The arab world seems to understand "gay for pay" but not the gay life style and the results arn't pretty.
I can quite understand him not wanting to get involved while he has uncertainty over his visa.
Your best bet would be to move to either Canada or England.

 

[Seasoned]

Besides his closet and you OCD and complusive sexual behavior don't you two have the cultural issue of being a Muslim/Jewish couple? I know you're not the only one but I'm wondering if this complicates things even further.

In my opinion you each need to be working on your individual issues before either of you are ready for a healthy relationship. What are his intentions regarding coming out? Is he expecting to spend his life closeted. What are you doing to treat your sexual compulsivity? Have you heard of SCA, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous? If not, you can look at http://www.sca-recovery.org/.

It seems as though neither of you are ready for a healthy committed relationship at this point. Just enjoy what you have without expectations, but do take steps to feel better about yourself.

Best wishes.

 

[DmitriyEM]

I think I may consider the sexual compulsive meetings. I thought for a while that I got better because I started sleeping with a lot less guys than I used to.But I'm beginning to worry that this may become an issue in any relationships that I have in the future. My sexually compulsive behavior started in late 2008. I came out in 2006 and basically was largely a serial dater, in fact almost everybody I every slept with up to that time(late 2008) was someone I dated. In late 2007 I got into a brief relationship and dumped the guy in late January of 2008. Towards the end of 2008 I started gaining weight. In early 2008 I was about 200 lbs and in late 2008 I was 230.
Furthermore OCD can also make you worry about various identity issues(for example there are people who worry that they may be gay or worry that they may be sexually attracted to their own children), all of which obviously are irrational. So one day in mid 2008 I started worrying that I was transgender. These intrusive thoughts you can imagine were bothering the shit out of me as you can imagine, coupled with my weight gain which was largely due to psychiatric meds both for the OCD and ADHD.

In late 2008 I decided to finally take the plunge. And by the plunge I mean: go to a porn theatre. It really doesn't help to be a sexually compulsive when you live 5 blocks from one of the two remaining porn theaters in all of NYC. Over the course of the next year and a half I would pop in once or twice a week and exchange oral with like 2-3 people. At the same time the OCD thoughts about gender were intensifing as well as my weight gain. I was up to 245 in June of 2009 and 262 when I graduated from college. So having sex with all these people became my coping mechanism: because they wanted me as a man, it helped reassure mere that I still was one.
So when I graduated from college in 2010 I had about 150 sex partners.

I would say my compulsive behavior subsided more or less in early 2011, I was occupied with applying to law school and I also started losing weight(I was down to 225 by the end of the year) . Furthermore my mental issues became a lot less pressing and I stopped the whole public cruising thing more or less(btw I did in fact frequent other places too for this sort of thing). Oh another thing that certainly helped was the fact that there were no more attractive guys whatsoever at this place lol.

Also the weight gain was one of the reasons I wasn't really dating in addition to the OCD thoughts and school stuff on my mind.

 

[DmitriyEM]

Besides his closet and you OCD and complusive sexual behavior don't you two have the cultural issue of being a Muslim/Jewish couple? I know you're not the only one but I'm wondering if this complicates things even further.

In my opinion you each need to be working on your individual issues before either of you are ready for a healthy relationship. What are his intentions regarding coming out? Is he expecting to spend his life closeted. What are you doing to treat your sexual compulsivity? Have you heard of SCA, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous? If not, you can look at http://www.sca-recovery.org/.

It seems as though neither of you are ready for a healthy committed relationship at this point. Just enjoy what you have without expectations, but do take steps to feel better about yourself.

Best wishes.

The Jewish/Muslim thing doesn't really complicate things. Religion isn't really a big part of my life and never has been. This is probably why it never really took my family very long to accept me. While his family isn't extremely religious(his mother and younger sister don't cover their hair) and are well educated(his mother is a psychotherapist and father is a professor of literature), he still prays every friday so I guess he is slightly observant of his religion.

Date #8 was basically when I asked him how he felt about us and was when he told me about where he wants things to go. He also asked me whether I could be with someone who wasn't open and I was honest and said "in the long term no." And then he asked me why people here come out in the first place, and why it's necessary.

I terms of monogamy I feel that it can be maintained on my end, so long as there is a point. I had no control issues until we had that discussion. I guess in the back of my mind, the fact that we were in this "romantic friendship", became an excuse to sleep with other people.

 

[DmitriyEM]

So after considering everything you guys said, I think i'm just gonna take things as they come...seems like the best way to not get hurt in the event that he leaves.

Thank you all