Relationship Help.. So confused..

[sharkattack2222]

Hey everyone,

Just a bit of info before I write about my situation, my ex is 18 and still has another year of high school and I am 20 and in college. We met during summer last year and were both in the closet but came out to eachother after constantly texting and doing those survey things on facebook and finding out we were into eachother. hard to explain haha. We were dating for 10 and a half months, August - early July and everything was going perfect. In May, I went away for 3 weeks and we still were contacting eachother while I was away with "I love you's" and "can't wait to see you's" from both ends. When I returned, my boyfriend told me that he wasn't going to be able to use his phone for 3 weeks because of a letter that was sent home to his parents about the amount of absences from a certain class at school. He also said he wouldn't be able to hang out.

After 3 weeks of waiting, and catching him 2 times hanging out with different girls, he finally decided to contact (said he could only use his phone when he had work and drivers ed until August 15th when he could get his license) me (after this guy who is interested in me wrote on my best friends wall asking to hangout) and said that we need a break. He doesn't have time for a relationship right now (he had just started his 1st job while I was away on my trip) and is super busy (he also has Drivers Ed every weekday morning from 10-230 with an hour and a half break in between). He said that he hadn't cheated on me, and he said he didn't want me cheating on him.

I got drunk one night the next week and ended up texting him cause he knew he just got outta work and had his phone, saying "I'm sorry for whatever I did. I miss you" (that was a mistake). He messaged me back on facebook saying "If you keep acting like this, i don't think we are going to work out. You did nothing wrong so stop assuming". Then we messaged back and forth for a bit because I was upset and drunk. Long story short (well not really), he said that he wasn't sure if he was gay or not and that he was having mixed feelings. He still loves me and cares about me and that he was sorry. He still swore that he hadn't cheated and was breaking it off now so that it wouldnt happen

The next morning I wrote him a long message being nice and he responded a week later saying "Ya were friends" and than I said "ok good" and than asked him if he could hangout sometime within the next week and he said "ya i can do that"

Than last night, the guy thats interested in me, wrote on my best friends facebook wall again asking her "What are you guys doing tonight? Let's hangout" and than right after that, my "boyfriend" wrote on her wall, changed his profile picture to him with a girl, asked his best friend (girl) to be married to him on facebook, and changed his status to how much he misses her and wants her to come home. That was the first night in like 3 days that he hasnt messaged me before he went to bed.

I have no idea what to think. I know there is alot to this situation but I would appreciate everyones input.

Has anyone else been in a situation where their closeted gay boyfriend of 10 months suddenly isn't sure if they are gay or not? Is it just an excuse? I'm wondering if he is just doing this because he doesn't want his friends to know he is gay

Thank you everyone for your input<3 no flaming

 

[Rand]

Shark,

Serious relationships are for adults, he's not. While it appears he is in denial or hiding in fear, we can not know unless he tells us.

Don't know where you life or what the climate is. You have the advantage being in college to explore and express yourself. Don't be angry at him - be a friend, but continue your growing too. When he's in college, maybe it can start up again.

best of luck to you - don't stop celebrating your life.

Rand

 

[racer2438]

He is just a kid who will change his idea's of what he wants like underwear. He is confused as to what he wants, you sound immature/insecure-(sorry) but you do.

You need to give some space, and see what happens.

Your either going to lose him for what you do(what I said above) or your going to have a good friend.
Until he knows what he wants, it is out of your control. so rethink want you want out of your life..

 

[MindBlast]

Than last night, the guy thats interested in me, wrote on my best friends facebook wall again asking her "What are you guys doing tonight? Let's hangout" and than right after that, my "boyfriend" wrote on her wall, changed his profile picture to him with a girl, asked his best friend (girl) to be married to him on facebook, and changed his status to how much he misses her and wants her to come home. That was the first night in like 3 days that he hasnt messaged me before he went to bed.

This right here shows his maturity level is about where a 13 year old's would be. You shouldn't be dating him anyway if he acts like this.

He's both super immature and very jealous, AND is going through 'gay panic' and thinking that he can 'wash away the gay'. It's not worth the effort man. You'll have to find someone else.

 

[Spiff]

I wouldn't necessarily say anyone is acting immature here. Not ready for any type of commitment is not being immature. Especially at 18. He is just being 18, not immature. You obviously want more than what he is ready for. I know it's not easy to hear, but obviously you need to move on. Let him figure himself out, but you can't drag yourself down waiting.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Thank you all for your input so far. I appreciate it.

When we first started dating I wanted to make sure it was what he wanted (he asked ME to be his boyfriend) because I know what it was like to be that age. You go through friends in high school and change your mind fairly quickly so I wanted to make sure this was what he wanted. He assured me that he wanted to be with me and that it was what he wanted. I wasnt the first guy he'd been with, but we were both eachothers first boyfriend. So it was even something different for me to adjust to at first.

Yes, I really see it as a relationship. He made it official by asking me to be his boyfriend back in August. I even came out to my parents in January and started bringing him around when they were home. However, we did keep our relationship a secret from everyone else since i met him through family of mutual friends and neither of us were ready to come out to anyone else.

I'd be willing to wait for him to figure out what he wants because I care about him, but It's hard not knowing whether or not he's going to come back. I deleted him from Facebook so that I wouldnt be tempted to contact him or see what he's been up too and that way i'd be giving him space.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Ok, so last night he contacted me again (after not contacting me the night before that when he did all that stuff after he saw the post on my friends wall by the guy who is interested in me).

He was basically just reassuring me that we'd hangout and than he asked me why I deleted him from Facebook.

I responded by letting him know I didn't want to be seeing the stuff he was posting on his facebook.

He responded by saying how he was worried our mutual friends (my best friends who know him) might be suspicious of why we aren't friends anymore so I should add him again. and than he said that he's posting stuff like that because he didn't want me to keep waiting when he had feelings for someone else (so i guess I know everything I need to know now ha).

Than I responded by saying he shouldnt have to worry about what they think because he isn't gay, and I hope he doesn't tell anyone that I am. I then asked him why he didn't just tell me everything instead of making up lies and stringing me along.

Than he responded by saying he wasn't lying to me but I can think what I what. He doesn't want to or have to explain himself anymore.

I let him know that I was sorry for assuming things and that I hope he is happy.

He responded by saying "No worries" and than went on to say "Oh I'm gonna tell every single person I meet that youre gay hahahah I'm jk I would never do that"

Than I responded by saying "Well you never know I appreciate it. Let me know when you want to hangout."

I feel better about everything now, and I don't have him on my facebook so I don't have to worry about seeing stuff that might hurt me.

Lucky7, I know I am guilty of treating his decisions like that. I am starting to understand though that he is still young and not sure what he wants. He could be scared or nervous about realizing the actuality of him being gay, or he really has moved on to someone else (just happened to be a girl). Either way, I shouldn't be waiting around for him to make the decision of what he really wants. If things change and he wants me back, we will talk about it, but until then I am just going to celebrate life and try to move on.

 

[Seasoned]

He is not ready to be serious in a relationship with a guy. I think you should let go and move on. I'm sorry for a pain this process causes.

 

[Croynan]

he has already told you everything you need to know about him. walk away from all of it, including further communication from him or you will once more be dragged into his confused and immature personality.

eM/

 

[KaraBulut]

I'd be willing to wait for him to figure out what he wants because I care about him, but It's hard not knowing whether or not he's going to come back. I deleted him from Facebook so that I wouldnt be tempted to contact him or see what he's been up too and that way i'd be giving him space.

This is one fish that you're better off throwing back in the water until he's grown up a bit more.

While what you're doing shows that you are more mature, the bottom line is that it's time for you to start looking forward instead of looking back. Yes, you may care about him but the swirl of lies (to others and to himself) that he's creating is just going to wreak havoc on your life.

It's better to move on to someone who is as mature as you and wants the same things that you do... and is willing to live honestly and openly.

 

[sharkattack2222]

He messaged me back saying how he'd check his work schedule so that we could find a time to hang out together.

I'm just going to ignore it or explain to him why we shouldn't be hanging out or whatnot. Not sure which will be the best way of going about it.

And I noticed that the girl (the one he says he had feelings for -- his best friend) pretty much confirmed that they were dating on her facebook.

It doesn't hurt as much as it did before seeing as how much I've had to deal with this past while. I just think back to the relationship i had when I was that age (with a girl) and how It just didn't feel right and it felt like something was missing. It's hard to explain. I'll never date a girl again because of that reason. Why waste my time and risk hurting someone? If he really is still gay (it's hard for me to believe that he isn't) and just confused and scared of being in a relationship with a guy, than I think his new relationship with his best friend is just going to end even worse than ours did because eventually he will get tired of hiding who he really is. Whether it be weeks,months, or years from now.

 

[MoltenRock III]

18 year old boys are undatable. Period. The boy has never made a decision on his own yet. Give him 7 years, he might be datable then, but probably not until age 30.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Just an update:

The day after my last post, he was with a mutual friend having a bonfire and then he texted my mutual friend and asked us to come over. We gave some excuse to why we couldnt go and he messaged me about an hour later and said "So why couldn't you come visit?" I waited til the next morning to respond and said "Sorry I had other things to do, didn't know it was a big deal". He responded "It wasnt ha. It would have been nice to see you though". (At this point we were still werent friends on facebook anymore).


About a week after that he asked to be my friend on Facebook, after thinking that my friend (girl) and I were dating (I'm assuming thats why). He even came to the place we work at and brought it up in his conversation with her asking if we were really dating. He doesn't know that she knows we dated though..

So i tried waiting to accept his request, messaged him and said "Whats up?" cause I was wondering why he would add me on facebook if he wasn't going to talk to me. He didn't respond. So than I started no contact (although the night after i accepted his friend request while i was drunk. ugh) and havn't contacted him in 2 and a half weeks.

In that time he got his license though and he always shows up at the place me and my friend work (our mutual friend he thought i was dating) and he introduced his gf to her and stuff and left a note on her car. He also changed his profile picture from him and his girlfriend to the picture I used to always tell him how much I loved that was taken last summer. It's been like that ever since i accepted his friend request.

Everyone is right though, not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but it is definately getting easier not to contact him.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Heartache sucks, but time heals all. Stay strong, and stay distant. And for the love of God don't communicate in the future with b fs or exs via Facebook.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Ya it probably wasn't a good idea to accept his friend request after we broke up. He probably just wanted to be able to see what I was up to, if he wanted to get back with me he would have contacted me by now. And it's like, if I delete him now, he's going to know I deleted him and know I was thinking about him. So it's probably just better to keep him on there and show that I'm not bothered with what he's doing. In my opinion that will get his attention more than if I deleted him because than it just looks like I'm playing games.

The only reason why I was messaging him on facebook after we broke up was because he wasnt able to use his phone (a long story, whether that was a lie or not, texting him would have just made him upset). Our relationship didnt live off of facebook at all though, we saw eachother face to face several times a week. It was a secret relationship though so sometimes more sometimes less. And I realize I shouldnt have been contacting him after we brokeup and just waiting for him to come to me. First real relationship though so I wanted to do what I could to get him back. That probably jsut pushed him away further. It seems though that the longer I go without communicating with him, the more he tries to get my attention

 

[Rolyo85]

I know the op post is dated a few months back, but I just wanted to mention that the very concept of someone "not having time for a relationship right now" brings me to an almost catatonic state of blind fury. This is utter and absolute bullshit, and should have been the first and brightest indication that you are dealing with a level of immaturity incompatible with serious dating.

I was infatuated with a 19 y/o once, and it ended in disaster. And he was really mature for his age too. I don't want to say that that age bracket is undatable (on that note - OUCH, MoltenRock!), but it's definitely more difficult to attain anything LT, ESPECIALLY when they are in the closet/denial.

It seems to me like he had a momentary freak-out and tried to get back in the closet. Your recent updates show he probably failed and is trying to salvage what you had before.

Now you have to think whether you're willing to take the risk of this bullshit repeating, or if you'd rather move to less complicated and thus greener pastures.

If you are willing to try getting back with him, I'd suggest calling his bluff. He doesn't wanna "hang out" or be friends. He wants you back. Call him on it. Describe to him in no uncertain terms what the whole situation looks like to you (if you agree with my assessment in this post), and weather his probably aggressive and cool-keeping/ironic/whatever response with calm determination. Let him know this will not be repeating if he wants to have anything with you.

If you get him to a point of admitting it, you have a chance of getting back together.


My advice though? Check out the other guy who's interested in you

 

[sharkattack2222]

Thanks for your advice

I called him out on the "Not having time for a relationship" bullshit the night he broke up with me cause my gut feeling told me that it was just bullshit. I was right because he started openly flirting with his best friend (girl) on facebook right after and than dating her like 2 weeks after we broke up.

He is still dating her though (today is their 1 month i believe from when they officially started dating), so I'm not to sure if he really does still have feelings for me. This is why I'm keeping up with the No Contact thing. If I show him I still care, that will just push him away again. Ya I work at a grocery store and its common to go to them, but he has his license now and I don't see why he's been going to our store all the time and trying to converse with our mutual friend that knows I used to hangout with him. He doesnt know that she knows we dated, but he knows she'd tell me that he came in and talked to her.

 

[sharkattack2222]

As far as going after the other guy interested in me, It's hard to explain. After being broken up with I am still upset and not really into a relationship or anything at all right now. I'm just so let down by everything I just want to be alone. Idk if that makes sense. That one guy I mentioned before is interested in me and theres another guy I go to school with that is showing interest, but I don't feel strongly about either of them. I think it might have to do with how hurt I am from my ex, and maybe I am scared of fully coming out. If that 2nd idea is the case, than I think I know why my ex is acting the way he is.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, I can't give you a good advice about that, sadly, as my coming out was all in one go. For a short while nobody knew, and then everyone knew. I don't know where you live and what the environment is there, I can only say I've never been so happy with my life as ever since I've been completely out. Not having to hide anything is a very empowering thing.

 

[sharkattack2222]

Before I met my ex the only person that knew was my best friend (our mutual friend that was with me when I met my ex) . I told her because I had this hugeee straight crush leading up to me meeting my ex. I had only been over the guy for 2 months when I met my ex. Then I came out to my ex right after he came out to me. My dad and stepmom I came out to 6 months after my ex and I started dating. I wouldnt have been able to do it without his help. He kept on telling me how lucky I was that I have parents that would support me if I came out to them and that it wouldnt affect them. I know he was scared of his dad or one brother ever finding out he was gay, but his mom and other brother would learn to accept it if not already right off the bat. I decided to come out to my dad and stepmom so that they could meet him and he could come over and stuff. He ended up meeting my stepmom but was too nervous to come over when my dad was home so they never met. After we broke up I came out to my 3 siblings. They were asking me about my friendship/relationship with my friend (my mutual friend. probably for the same reasons why my ex was curious about whether i was dating her or not) and than i kept hinting at different things and once my dad and stepmom knew i was going to tell them, they left the room to give us privacy. They didn't know if I was telling the truth or not but when they found out I was serious about everything we all bonded and it was great. Now all I have left to tell in my immediate family is my mom. There is a reason why Ive waited to tell her, she's a hardcore christian.

And there are a few other reasons beside my mother why I havnt fully come out yet. The 1st is that I feel like it was easier coming out when I was in love with someone. I was happy and it made me proud to be who I am, so I want to wait until I am happy again. The 2nd being I'm still scared about everything, and I feel like once I make a choice I have to live with it (which isnt true, but im worried people wont believe me if I end up going from gay-->bi or something). The 3rd being that in my ex's current state of mind, if I were to be open about my sexuality, i could kiss all possibilities of getting back together with him goodbye because he isnt planning on coming out (i mean he's dating a girl now and saying he's straight) and sneaking around with him would only be harder. If people knew I was gay and saw him with me all the time, theyd suspect something and he already gets ridiculed alot. I guess in school all of his friends are girls and he's not on any sports teams or anything.
We got away with it when we were dating because everywhere we went people thought we were related.

Funny story. When we would drive out of town to get dinner together and stuff or get fast food or wherever we would go, people would always ask if we were brothers. Than one time we went to the movies together and ironically his brother ended up being there with his friends and one of his brothers friends said "Hey ____ , is that your boyfriend?" It was awkward. We just laughed and went into the movies.