Relationship problems.

[altlover85]

Those are the problems when you are both not out all the way.

You have no place you could go to talk to your bf without your parents hearing you? You can't go in a room and close the door or go outside and take a walk?

Do you live on campus? If not, is there anyway you could get that to happen.

I don't think things will really improve unless both of you come out of the closet.

 

[rareboy]

I think that this constant texting 24/7 has to stop.

I think it is the most annoying and relationship slaying thing to crawl out of the lagoon in a long time.

If you're bfs, then spend your time meeting up and talk face to face. Spend meaningful time together and then meaningful time apart.

If you think you could live together while going to school and be successful in your studies because of it, then do it.

But I must say that there is a petulant tone to your post that you need to get rid of. You want us to say that you're right and he's just being impossible.

Talk to your bf about these issues and find the way to resolve them. Don't spend your life running to get third party advice for every little thing; you're the one who should be taking responsibility for your relationship and not having to rely on avatars.

 

[altlover85]

From what you're writing he sounds a little stalkerish. However, we are only getting your side of the story and since you don't have a lot of experience with relationships things could be different than the picture you are painting.

Keep up the communication. I wish you luck!

 

[Lucas07]

You need to talk about this. Anyway, ive read that its like youve planned this SERIOUS talk this week. Oh my. Just keep it light and casual. Don't sweat the small stuff

I think he'll understand, and i think you do. you obviously love each other, so, it's all gonna be fine.

And another thing, ive been through the paranoia phase before, like i feel my parents and everybody else is listening. But it's not the case at all, its all in our head. You can test your acoustics or whatever but seriously, its not as bad as we think. And who the fuck cares anyway youre not gonna say raunchy things loudly are you?

The danger with this is, although he might be out, he's already comfortable and confident enough that he feels like it's worth 'not hiding' and you might be sending out a message that you're not really into this 100%. something like that.

anyway, my 2 cents. Cheers

 

[altlover85]

The danger with this is, although he might be out

Lucas07, his bf is not out. I agree with you about the paranoia thing though. It's usually all in your head. We tend to think people notice what we do or say more than they actually do.

 

[Darvin]

I think I'm in the same exact situation but I'm the one who is the needy one. Although, I probably text him max 5 times a day. My problem with my bf is that it seems like he's too busy / its inconvenient for him to take my call. He's always busy with his things in uni (well he takes things too seriously in uni), while I'm the lay back type who couldnt really care more about uni. Hence, I have extra time to obsess over him. I've asked him to read my posts on JUB to know what I'm thinking & where I'm at, he promised three days ago, yet he's too busy to read them. Other thing that really makes our communiation tough is that both of us are not out. I guess sometimes when expectations of partners don't meet it can be tough.

Shaman, at the end of the day being in a relationship is make yourself feel happier, and if you really do love him & you are enjoying more than you are "suffering", try to make it work. I would love a boyfriend who is obsessed with me, we should swap boyfriends! LOL joking...

 

[nguypete]

This sounds like one of my girlfriend's old boyfriend.

She handed it in a variety of ways.

Him: So... what's up?
Her: Not much, just took a shit in between you calling me 30 minutes ago.

And...

Her: I don't want to talk to you every second of my life. Do you have any friends you can hang out with?

And...

Just straight up ignoring him and then calling him at night and saying she was busy and having a meaningful conversation where she then wishes him good night and tells him she's about to pass out but is in the process of getting ready to go out and doesn't want him blowing up her phone all night.

 

[bankside]

It seems like you're maybe quieter than average and he is the opposite? If he is coming across as needy and clingy, that is not putting his best foot forward. However, part of it could be just a side effect of trying to reach out to you if you are being withdrawn and evasive.

He needs to relax a bit, but you can probably help the situation too and reassure him that you being quiet does not mean you checking out.

When you text him at lunch, for example, say hi or tell him how your day is going or something, but then mention that you'll check in with him again after dinner. Then stick to it. You aren't his servant, and life is not like in one of those old country mansions. He can't pull a cord to ring a bell in the kitchen for you to come running every time he thinks of of something.

But he can count on you to keep your word, and if you say you'll check in after dinner, do it. Spend some time, preferably away from your parents, so you can talk naturally with him on the phone. If this annoys him at first, do him a big favour and just ignore it. Go back to asking him about his day. Remember, you've already said you're very quiet, so you try to make an effort too.

He should figure out you are serious about communicating with him, and that you will keep your commitments to stay in touch. But you're going to have to watch him learn that over the next few days, because he doesn't know how to do it now. It may be a hard lesson to learn, but I believe he can figure it out, even if he behaves like a bit of a shit until then.

If after a week or two he just doesn't get it, you have your answer.

 

[bankside]

Okay wow. I doubt you were avoiding his apologies just to make him feel bad. I understand it takes a while to let an apology sink in. He owes you enough time to deal with that. He can't just apologize and expect your feelings to change like he has just flipped a switch.

And, good people get depressed. Good people sometimes have suicidal thoughts. But it sounds like he is not asking for help, but using the concept of suicide (whether he is serious about it or not) to manipulate your compliance.

To be honest I don't think he is ready for a relationship. He has to know that he has to work on his own stability before he can ever have a relationship at all. And you have to know you are not responsible for his emotional stability. Nothing you have done, and nothing you could ever do, would justify that kind of action.

At this point I suggest there is no clear way for you to have a continuing relationship with this guy. Maybe, but I have no advice for how to get there, I'm sorry. I also suggest you call a crisis counselling hotline for any advice they have for how to deal with it. Take the number with you when you talk to him this weekend.

A relationship is supposed to be healthy and supportive, and I'm not sure your guy is even trying for that... I easily get out what I put into my relationship, and my guy feels the same way. If you can't find that balance with this guy, you need to end it for your own health and future. He has crossed more than one line, and it isn't your job to just struggle with it and put up with it.

 

[altlover85]

I'm glad things are improving in your relationship Shaman. However, when things cool down a bit, I'd tell him that threatening suicide is unacceptable.

 

[altlover85]

This sounds like one of my girlfriend's old boyfriend.

She handed it in a variety of ways.

Him: So... what's up?
Her: Not much, just took a shit in between you calling me 30 minutes ago.

And...

Her: I don't want to talk to you every second of my life. Do you have any friends you can hang out with?

And...

Just straight up ignoring him and then calling him at night and saying she was busy and having a meaningful conversation where she then wishes him good night and tells him she's about to pass out but is in the process of getting ready to go out and doesn't want him blowing up her phone all night.

This post made me think of Lady Gaga's song Telephone.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well things are getting sadly worse. he started insulting me and shoving things into my face like the sacrifices he has been going through and he thinks I dont see the things he does for me. He still texts me like crazy while I told him to not do that much.As for the calling he understood that part and doesnt call at the moment. he just texts me like crazy.

After 10 messages insulting me he has been trying to apologize but I ignored most of the text messages because I was at college.

We discussed about the phone part before but it seems he is crazy for me and Im crazy for him but I guess im too calm type , silent type.

New update everything seems to be smoother now.Im talking a bit more on the phone and he will call a bit less. XD we kinda deciding how to do things. Im getting used to the phone now and we keep chat on msn. I told him no more texting for the moment. (our bills will be high as fuck!!).

But in the end we are both happy and all

This is a pattern. Obsessively clingy. Explodes in anger toward you when you do something that makes him feel insecure. Makes threats tp harm you or toward himself. Makes you feel like everything is your fault. Then apologizes profusely afterward. Makes you feel loved. And then it starts all over again.

There are people who live their life in these kinds of patterns.

It's up to you whether you want to continue down this path. Do you really see yourself in a long-term relationship with someone who is this insecure and smothering?