relationship question

[payit4ward]

I have a question my partner is 22 and i am 39 and i have caught him on more than one occasion contacting former sexual partners via phone/internet and i was angry but i maintained my composure and just asked questions and the only solution i could come to is that he isnt allowed to use my computer or his cellphone to contact his past fuckbuddies since his cellphone is in my name and he isnt working i pay for everything so i feel out of respect for me he should be able to follow one simple straightforward rule...what do you guys think he says he has no interest in sleeping with them that they are just friends but i refuse to tolerate that not when i bankroll everything and spoil him rotten. am i the unreasonable one?

 

[justsimon]

am i the unreasonable one?

Yes. .

 

[StlKj]

This relationship is doomed. You don't have a boyfriend; you own a boyfriend. You're trying so hard to control him that you're going to shove him away completely.

 

[Under-taken]

This relationship is doomed. You don't have a boyfriend; you own a boyfriend. You're trying so hard to control him that you're going to shove him away completely.

Hate when people beat to the punch with saying EXACTLY what I was going too

 

[bankside]

This relationship is doomed because it sounds like you're saying he can contact all his old lovers as much as he wants if only he payed for his own computer.

PS Newsflash everybody: It is normal for someone to be unimpressed when his boyfriend keeps former love relationships alive. It is normal for it to be awkward if your boyfriend has to face a roomfull of your ex-lovers at a party. It is normal to be annoyed with an answering machine full of your boyfriend's ex-lovers' messages.

If you want your boyfriend to leave his past lovers alone, it does not make you a control freak. It is perfectly healthy.

A gentleman might not need to cut a past lover out of his life completely, or circumstances might not permit it, but a man with a decent regard for the love of his life will let the past stay in the past.

Your problem however is not so much the exes of your guy, but the fact that you think of this as a contractual relationship. Your bankroll means absolutely nothing, nor should it.

 

[StlKj]

This relationship is doomed because it sounds like you're saying he can contact all his old lovers as much as he wants if only he payed for his own computer.

PS Newsflash everybody: It is normal for someone to be unimpressed when his boyfriend keeps former love relationships alive. It is normal for it to be awkward if your boyfriend has to face a roomfull of your ex-lovers at a party. It is normal to be annoyed with an answering machine full of your boyfriend's ex-lovers' messages.

If you want your boyfriend to leave his past lovers alone, it does not make you a control freak. It is perfectly healthy.

A gentleman might not need to cut a past lover out of his life completely, or circumstances might not permit it, but a man with a decent regard for the love of his life will let the past stay in the past.

Your problem however is not so much the exes of your guy, but the fact that you think of this as a contractual relationship. Your bankroll means absolutely nothing, nor should it.

Newsflash: He didn't say ex-boyfriends. He said former sex partners. His boyfriend is half his age. He completely supports him and spoils him rotten. There is such a huge imbalance here in this relationship. And we can only go on what the OP has given us, which are words such as, "isn't allowed...rule...refuse to tolerate." There isn't a mention of love, trust or anything even seeming like there might be a reason for this relationship to survive. The OP isn't even asking what to do--he just wants reassurance that he's not being unreasonable.

He's not being unreasonable at all--if I owned a boyfriend, I wouldn't want it contacting former lovers either. After all, a gilded cage is supposed to protect your possessions, right?

 

[freefall]

You're being inappropriate here. The only reason you can be angry with your bf is when he commits telephone sex with his formers and clearly, this is not the case here.

You should retrospect yourself, otherwise you'll lose him.

 

[saymyname]

I talk to former sex partners sometimes. It's not a big deal. They're still people/friends. Anyways, he's your partner, not your son.

 

[payit4ward]

I have read everyones replies and i sound just as you have all painted me based on my comments and i first of all do love him and he has been in contact with former boyfriends and they also have contacted me on my cellphone and that is disrespectful. the first two weeks we were together he was on the phone with his ex lover telling him he was still in love with him right in front of me going back and forth saying he was going back to him and then he was staying with me he has given me reasons not to trust him when i did trust him in the beginning. i also forgot to add that he has thrown tantrums and broken two computers and alot of other things im not going to list and no i dont want to control anyone i just want him to love me and respect my feelings. i also didnt mention that he has attempted to be physically violent to me several times. so yes.i do love him and i am asking everyone else what would you guys do?

 

[jackry]

You know the answer.
He throws tantrums and bust up shit and attempts to be violent. You feel like you should be able to control who he talks to because you pay the phone bill.

I bet the sex is great but your relationship is going south. Sorry

 

[Spiff]

Sounds like someone's got himself a sugar daddy.

 

[80KGold]

Who says that gay dudes aren't much concerned about sex-on-the-side?

...i just want him to love me and respect my feelings...

Those aren't unreasonable sentiments at all. But, the dynamic that you've described seems untenable. Depending on your perspective, you're looking for the wrong thing in the right place, or the right thing in the wrong place. You decide which is true. But as Aretha sings, "When it hurts too much to stay, I'll dip, pack my bags, and go..."

 

[StlKj]

He's sucking you dry, and not in a good way.

Spoil him by helping him find a decent job.

Spoil him by helping him build something for himself and the relationship you both clearly don't have.

I'm going to sound like an asshole, but he's probably in the relationship because you're making his life easy. He's just a boy and not a good one at that, he's using you.

Bingo. Just because you added new details doesn't mean you're not trying to control him. And us telling you you're trying to control him doesn't make you some kind of cartoon villain; from what you've added, you now sound like a zoo keeper, attempting to keep a dangerous animal because you hope you can tame him. This guy is incredibly bad news for you, and he's only going to hurt you more as you try to take his freedoms away. In a way, you are being unreasonable, because he's shown you all along that he's wild and can't be trusted, and you keep expecting that will change.

I'm always very wary on here when someone tells us selected details in a story and then comes back and fills in the gaps to make himself appear more the victim than he first did. Even an abused person can have passive aggressive or manipulative tendencies. Cut this boy free and find someone who actually wants to love you back.

 

[gmoney]

Some relationships with a big age gap work. That's when both parties are on the same page emotionally and mentally. You two are definitely NOT!

From what you've chosen to allow us to see shows that his level of maturity is not compatible with yours. You can't force that. It's either there or not there. The more you treat him like a child, the more he will act that way.

Time to cut the purse strings and let him try being an adult on his own. Probably without you in his life.

 

[collegecutie222]

why would you want to be loved and respected by someone who's been violent towards you and your things?

 

[payit4ward]

im not a sugar daddy or a control freak and i do expect him to behave like and adult but i dont think i am wrong to try and protect my own feelings honestly speaking nobody wants to be hurt.

 

[StlKj]

im not a sugar daddy or a control freak and i do expect him to behave like and adult but i dont think i am wrong to try and protect my own feelings honestly speaking nobody wants to be hurt.

Hmmm. Perhaps we're being too cerebral here. Let's break it down more simply.

He's an abusive spoiled brat who practically from the beginning was trying to hook up with ex-lovers. He doesn't respect your feelings or your possessions. He doesn't financially contribute at all to the relationship.

You have known virtually from the start that he's trying to hook up with former ex-lovers. You have allowed him to break not one, but two computers, along with other stuff, and still let him stay. You foot all the bills and still spend money on him.

This IS a sugar daddy relationship of the worst type. You might not think so, but that's because you desperately want him to love you. Forget love--he knows you don't respect yourself, otherwise you wouldn't let him treat you this way, so he knows he doesn't have to respect you either. The warning signs in this relationship have been written on the wall from the beginning. You will keep up this dangerous game, and he's going to hurt you emotionally and physically at some point. You are wanting to know how to control him better, but you need to control yourself and figure out why you're letting someone treat you this way.

 

[guesshoo]

Do yourself a favor and kick his ass out of your life. If he is pretty much living at your expense and can't respect you enough to be thankful and respect your wishes ditch him.
Sounds like he wants his cake along with a lot of other deserts. I say he will ditch you before you ever will him,so be prepared!
As far as the control thing goes(BULL SHIT) Sounds like he wants you to pay his bills such as computer,cell phone .roof over his head,food to eat and who knows what else, but can't show enough respect to be thankful.
Did you make an agreement to be in an open relationship? I doubt it from what you are saying. It takes two for a relationship with commitments and trust.

 

[GL]

this relationship, such as it is, will not end well.

as others have pointed out the op has trust issues and the bf is a leech.

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

gee, i have only one thing to say after reading this -- (that hasn't been said alredy:

COMMAS !