Relationship Wrecker

[NickCole]

I am depressed, I've been diagnosed with having it and I have been on medication for the last 4 months. Everything was just going so well and I felt like I had gotten over whatever it was that was causing me to feel like this. But now, just out of no where it has started up again.

Medication can make you feel better but it won't resolve the problem that caused depression in the first place. I know some will say depression is a "chemical imbalance" that's magically fixed with anti-depressants but I don't buy that in most cases.

Have you been sorting through and trying to come to terms with the causes of your depression, whatever it was/is that lead to your feelings of emptiness when you're in a relationship with a great guy?

 

[Kester]

All I have been doing these last few days is wondering why I'm feeling depressed and why it's having this effect on my relationship with my boyfriend.

This happens to nearly all of my relationships at some point. I don't know why but, everything will be going great and then one day I will wake up and just feel so down and upset. And I fell afraid that I am going to do something that will make my b/f walk out and leave, even though I know he never will.

When I was little, my dad walked out on me. I think that might be why I am afraid to get close to people and trust them, then when I do I'm afraid that they are just going to do the exact same thing.

 

[rareboy]

So you've been diagnosed with depression and have medications. One of the first things to do is check with the doctor to make sure you don't have breakthrough symptoms and require a different med. At the same time, I'm sure that you had received advice to find a good gay issues oriented counsellor and work through some of the past issues that may be informing your approach to your relationships with others.

Good luck.

 

[NickCole]

When I was little, my dad walked out on me. I think that might be why I am afraid to get close to people and trust them, then when I do I'm afraid that they are just going to do the exact same thing.

I don't know what happened but almost certainly your dad didn't walk out on you, he walked out on your mother. The way you worded that without giving it thought reveals something about your subconscious thinking that's important.

My parents divorced when I was very young and I didn't see my father again until I made a long trek to him when I was 16 -- the first moment I could. I never felt he walked out on me personally, but because my mother's primary purpose in life was to elevate my sister and brother and punish me (I'm the spitting image, looks and personality, of the two people she resents most in the world but never had any power over), I felt abandoned by my dad who could have protected me from, and always understood how I felt about, my hurtful mother.

Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me! Only want to let you know that trust and abandonment issues are very familiar to me.

I saw a therapist in high school and discovered it's not for me. I'm introspective and analytical, curious, fascinated with human nature in general, an information junkie, so what a therapist would do for me comes naturally to me. If it doesn't for you, then find a therapist who will help you with that. Issues with trust and abandonment are not unusual, and they can be addressed. You should be able to enjoy fulfilling and satisfying long term relationships. I've been with my partner for 14 years and I still can hardly believe how good it is. You can have that, too.

 

[Riverrick]

I agree, it sounds like breakthrough symptoms since you were originally doing well on the medication. Often just an adjustment of the dose is needed to help you. Its very common for people to do well initially on a med but later find that the dose needs to be just a little higher. If not that, then maybe a different med would help.

I do also agree with NickCole about underlying issues and how they affect us. Abandonment issues are very, very common. They lead to feelings of mistrust and poor self esteem (ie, "If I was worth something he wouldn't have left me.").

And if its of any help, what I see here on this board is a bright and intelligent young man who is engaging and interesting and a pleasure to have on JUB. So, yes, you are worth something. You are worth a lot!

 

[Kester]

Maybe my dad didn't walk out on me specifically, but the fact is he left me when I needed him the most. I've tried to contact him and re-establish some kind of relationship with him and he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I have two older sisters who get along with him great, but not with me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Thats why I think I am afraid that it is going to happen to me again with my boyfriend.

 

[NickCole]

Maybe my dad didn't walk out on me specifically, but the fact is he left me when I needed him the most. I've tried to contact him and re-establish some kind of relationship with him and he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I have two older sisters who get along with him great, but not with me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Thats why I think I am afraid that it is going to happen to me again with my boyfriend.

You've already identified a major source of pain, and one that could very well be at the root of what's troubling you right now.

Your father leaving and keeping himself estranged from you is his problem and says nothing about your worth. Your response is a protective mechanism and maybe a sort-of an echo.

Your father's behavior thrust you into a crisis situation and your defenses kicked in, telling you to be wary, don't trust, don't love, don't let anybody love you because it's dangerous. And besides, even if someone does love you, maybe he'll stop loving you -- isn't that what it seems your dad did? Further, someone loving you now and you loving him may spark unhappy thoughts of your unresolved relationship with your father -- in other words, the very feelings that are good today only remind you of something crummy in your past that's still an open wound.

All of that has to do with your father and his problems, not you and who you are or what you're worth, or the esteem in which anybody else holds you. Clearly you have the capacity and desire to love, to accept love, be deserving of love and attention, and to trust.

You're 19, you're young. You're smart and it seems you have fairly easy access to your Self, your history and your feelings. I think you're a prime candidate for counseling, at least a few sessions that could give you insight and tools to heal your wounds and move forward, from a professional who can tailor advice to your specific circumstances and personality.

You may not be as far from comfort as you think.

 

[Kester]

Your father's behavior thrust you into a crisis situation and your defenses kicked in, telling you to be wary, don't trust, don't love, don't let anybody love you because it's dangerous. And besides, even if someone does love you, maybe he'll stop loving you -- isn't that what it seems your dad did?

That is exactly what my dad did to me, and that is exactly what I am afraid will happen with my boyfriend. So all of this has got to do with my dad, does that sound like it could the reason for it all?

I know I should go and talk to a professional about all of this but it's not something that I feel comfortable with doing, as stupid as that sounds.

Thanks for your help. It really means a lot.

 

[NickCole]

That is exactly what my dad did to me, and that is exactly what I am afraid will happen with my boyfriend. So all of this has got to do with my dad, does that sound like it could the reason for it all?

Yes.

I know I should go and talk to a professional about all of this but it's not something that I feel comfortable with doing, as stupid as that sounds.

It doesn't sound stupid.

Trusting is hard for you right now so of course you feel uncomfortable putting that kind of trust in someone you don't even know. Maybe in a little while it'll seem like something you want.

In the meantime maybe do some research on your own. Read about other people with the same problem and see how they dealt with it. Talk to your bf about it if he's interested and you can. And think about it privately -- being our own councel can be very effective. Just be careful to not let your thoughts drift into negative self-destructive stuff once you get on a track about your father. That's an easy trap to fall into and it's not productive. Keep in mind that your father's behavior is a result of HIS problems, not yours, and you can't fix that.

Focus on stuff like who you are, what you needed that you didn't get, how to fill that need now in a healthy way, what you want and how to get from where you are to where you want to be. I know that's a big mouthful. Just start with being gentle with yourself. There's a little boy inside of you who's scared and hurt; be his friend -- be for him what your father wasn't for you.

Thanks for your help. It really means a lot.

You're welcome. I'm happy to talk whenever you want, and so are other great guys here. This is a safe place.

 

[Kester]

I started talking about things with my boyfriend, started opening up to him a little bit. I'd never told him about my dad and stuff so I think that it helped to tell him that.

Hopefully I can work through this.

 

[Riverrick]

You're a very impressive guy, Kester. That was brave of you.

The thing about relationships is that both individuals usually have issues, not just one. So opening up the door to communication benefits both of you and can build trust. Talking to him like this may encourage him to takes some risks and open up as well. I really wish the best for you guys!

 

[Kester]

I think that I've really gone and fucked things up for good this time. I slept with someone else. I don't know why I did it, I didn't even want to but I did and now I think I'm going to lose everything.

I guess it was just a matter of time before I went and did something like this.

 

[NickCole]

I think you did this because you're scared and you're responding to old hurt.

This is what I think is going on subconsciously:

You did something to hurt yourself because that's what you expect and that's what you believe you deserve. ​

You did something to hurt your bf because someone who loved you (your father) betrayed you and and your bf is his proxy. In other words your subconscious is playing an old tape but in THIS version you're going to hurt him before he hurts you.​

You did something to make your bf want to leave you because that's the way you expect it to go.​

And you did something to test him -- does he love you enough to stay even when you misbehave.​

I really do wish you could bring yourself to find professional help. I'm not saying you have huge problems that call for extreme measures. I think you have a problem that is not all that unusual so a lot of professionals really can help, they're familiar with these issues. But even though it's not insurmountable, it's a problem that can mess up the best stuff in your life.

You are a good man who's attracting good things to yourself. You only need to figure out how to deal with the past and let it remain there. Your unresolved past with your father (and there may be other things too) is driving you to behavior that's in response to that old stuff rather than behaving today in response to what's really in front of you.

If you feel rotten today, use that to motivate you to action that will heal the wounds. Call a therapist or counselor and let someone help you understand what's going on and how to fix it. You CAN fix this.

Be good to yourself; be the protective and nurturing father to yourself that your dad wasn't up to being.

You can do it.

 

[Kester]

You are a good man

I'm not a good man, I'm not a good person. A good person wouldn't cheat on someone who has stuck by me through all of my shit. He doesn't deserve that, and he doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like me. He deserves better than that.

I may have just lost the only thing in the world that I cared about. And I don't know why I did it, but I did. And now I've lost everything.

 

[darkroyal]

Exactly right.

 

[NickCole]

I'm not a good man, I'm not a good person. A good person wouldn't cheat on someone who has stuck by me through all of my shit.

Do not define yourself, whether or not you're a good person, by a single act.

We all make mistakes.

If you've made a mistake then take responsibility for it and clean up the mess you made.

But don't sink yourself into a deeper hole by piling on to the reasons you are worthless, or not a good person.

You know who you are, you know the good things you think, the good things you do, the loving and the kindness that are a part of you. Making a mistake does not undo all that.

He doesn't deserve that, and he doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like me. He deserves better than that.

Stop it. You are beating yourself into a hole that's not going to help anyone or anything.

You're right that your bf does not deserve to have his trust betrayed. You behaved badly, you made a choice that was careless and hurtful, your decision was wrong. It's your responsibility to make amends and do what's necessary to make sure you make better decisions in the future.

But you are not a bad person, you made a mistake. No matter who your bf is commited to in a relationship, that man will make mistakes. Maybe this mistake is one he can forgive and stay with you through, maybe he can't forgive and continue on in the relationship -- that's his decision. But whatever his decision, you are defined by the totality of your behavior, not one event. How you respond now is important to the future of your relationships. Are you going to sit around wailing that you're a bad person or are you going to do what you have to do to behave the way you know a good person behaves?

I may have just lost the only thing in the world that I cared about. And I don't know why I did it, but I did. And now I've lost everything.

If your actions have caused you to lose the only thing in the world you care about, and you don't know why you did it -- don't you think it's time you find out why you did it?

You cheated on your boyfriend last night and this morning you're feeling sorry for yourself that you screwed up. You're not the victim here so why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you, as much as your boyfriend is, a victim of your own behavior?

This isn't your father hurting you, it's not a boyfriend hurting you ... you are hurting yourself. The good news is that means you have total control to stop the hurting; but the longer you wait the harder it gets.

Stand up and face your mistake, clean up your mess and figure out why you set off a stink bomb in the middle of a relationship you value. It's time to get to work, not boo hoo over what a terrible person you are.

You are good and valuable man. Live up to yourself.

 

[NickCole]

By the way, I'm purposefully not addressing how you should approach your bf about this. That's between the two of you. And if saying you're a bad person suits the message you want to convey to him, that's up to you.

My point is that if you convince yourself you're a bad person, you're only going push yourself deeper into a hole that you're already having a hard time climbing out of.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[Riverrick]

I'm not a good man, I'm not a good person. A good person wouldn't cheat on someone who has stuck by me through all of my shit. He doesn't deserve that, and he doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like me. He deserves better than that.

I may have just lost the only thing in the world that I cared about. And I don't know why I did it, but I did. And now I've lost everything.

It sure sounds like you are trying to justify him leaving you. In fact, you are already talking about him as if he is gone.

Remember, the tougher thing for you to do in this relationship is to stay and fight for it. These sure sound like abandonment issues coming up and it sounds like you are trying to control when and why he leaves. At least now you agree that this is something bad and worth leaving you for. That's so much better than having him leave you for a reason that doesn't make any sense. Or worse, because you may just be inherently unloveable. Which is the conclusion that most kids come to when their parents abandon them.

So, my advice is to fight for this relationship and repair it. Undo the damage that your subconcious is doing and then get some help to avoid repeating this in the future. Its scary to leave him but its even scarier to stay.

 

[Kester]

I had a long talk with Kristen when he came home and we talked about everything and how we felt and what we should do from here regarding what happened.

I told him that I still loved him and never stopped loving him, but that I couldn't explain why I did what I did. I told him that if he wanted to leave then I understood it and I respected that.

He told me that he understands why I might have done it and he said that he wanted to help me through everthing, either as my boyfriend or just my friend. He said that he wasn't going to give up on me and that he is going to stay and make sure that I can overcome whatever issues and problems that I have.

I told him that I wanted to be with him but not if he is always getting hurt by me and my actions. He said that he still loves me and that we can get through this together.

I made him a promise that I was going to go and see someone to work things out.

 

[Riverrick]

That was a very brave and mature thing to do. You are handling this very well, Kester. Good luck to the both of you.