Ruined Friendship

[dan1heman10]

Hi Everyone I'm going to try and make this short as possible. My name is Danny.. I'm 21 years old and I am openly gay. So my current situation is that I'm a senior in college (almost done). Long story short I've always loved the school I've gone to I'm definitely going to miss it when I graduate.. but there's just one thing that I can't get off my mind and I feel like no one understands. So I'm on the swim team here at my school so its common for all us swimmers to live together. My sophomore year I lived with all of the other sophomore boys (and same goes for junior year). We all became very close with each other except for me and this one guy named Dave...we became best friends. Everywhere we went we were always together it was pretty cool cause he was someone I could trust no matter what. Once our sophomore year ended & we left for the summer I realized that I kind of had feelings for Dave. At the time I was not out, but that summer I decided to experiment and by the time I came back to school for junior year I was openly gay. Coming into junior year I was excited to see what it had in store for me being that I was an upperclassman. First thing I did when I got back to school was go see my buddy Dave and tell him about my whole summer and break the news.. he was definitely cool with it. Now one thing I didn't mention is that unfortunately Dave doesn't not give off the vibe that he's "straight"... a lot of people kind of question his sexuality and since I was openly gay I did too but I didn't care that was none of my business. The dynamics started to change between me and him...but for the good.. and before you know it we hooked up with each other for the first time and it was amazing. Thats where our friendship completely changed. We would hook up any chance that we had. We weren't in a relationship and neither one of us wanted to be tied down so when I went home for winter break that year I ended up meeting a guy who I invested everything I had into...I quit swimming and would go home every weekend the second semester. Mine and Dave's friendship wasn't really affected by this because he was sleeping with someone else and it was kind of like whatever but we still had feelings for each other (at least I did). So the summer came, neither one of us heard from one another and then when we began our senior year (now) everything changed for the worse. We continued to hook up but then it soon turned into me just being a booty call for him. It was very frustrating to deal with because I didn't understand what I did to be treated like this..but there wasn't anything I could do because he wasn't openly gay so he wasn't even comfortable with himself let alone to express who he really is. As a result we aren't even friends anymore..... and I don't know what to do because I geniuelly care about the friendship but I give up on trying...we just don't see eye to eye anymore and it sucks to think this person used to be my best friend and now were enemies. Is this just life...or is there anything I could do?

 

[TX-Beau]

That will also happen with your straight friends when they start marrying and having babies. On second thought maybe not, y'all have the option of going suburban hausfrau that previous generations didn't.

Anyway, if he's not out and you are, that's going to make him uncomfortable. There's nothing you can do to fix it, he's got to work it out on his own, so don't cut him off, and in a year or two I'll bet he 180's.

 

[dan1heman10]

Yeah but if anything I'm the one who feels uncomfortable I feel like I can't express myself..and I feel like its almost too late now I mean in four months ill be graduating and then I'm never going to see him again..I just really don't want to end things on a bad note but we just aren't on the same wavelength. And what exactly am I cutting him off from? He doesn't even speak to me anymore. If I try to talk to him he just ignores me half the time

 

[Junior42]

Have you tried putting your feelings into a message and send it to him. Maybe if he reads it, takes it in, it will mean something to him. Unfortunately, I know what you are going through. There is a friendship that I have lost that I would give anything to get back, but sometimes I think that is just a part of life.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are guys that can be friends and be fuckbuddies- it can happen, but honestly- there's a reason that most guys keep their close friendships and their fuckbuddies separate. It's always very difficult to be close friends with someone and have sex with them. A lot of people think they can separate the friendship from the sex... but too often, one or both ends up suffering, especially when you are young, emotions run high and it's all new.

In situations like this, you can't go backwards; you can only go forward. Don't dwell on what has already happened- that cannot be changed. If you want to have his friendship in the future, the two of you need to talk and you need to make it clear that you miss his friendship. If you can't start that conversation in person, then an email or a text exchange might get things out in the open.

As for whether he is "out" or not: Everyone has their own timeline and their own coming out process. You had yours. He will (hopefully) have his. Don't pressure him one way or the other. Friends support each other, even when they don't always agree or see things the same way.

 

[Seasoned]

It's one of life's more difficult lessons. Friendships come and go. Like any loss, it needs to be grieved. There's only one person we can control and that's ourself. As sad and unexplainable as it is, remember the good times and get on with your life. We don't always get closure. Don't allow that fact to drive you nuts. It's not you.

 

[dan1heman10]

The sad part is that we have talked about all of this multiple times and nothing seems to change. I am constantly going back and forth each day where I want nothing to do with him because it only causes me frustration and then the next day I feel bad and dwell on the situation that I'm in with him. But you guys are right, its just helps to get some reassurance that I'm not the crazy one.

 

[checkinthingsout]

The sad part is that we have talked about all of this multiple times and nothing seems to change. I am constantly going back and forth each day where I want nothing to do with him because it only causes me frustration and then the next day I feel bad and dwell on the situation that I'm in with him. But you guys are right, its just helps to get some reassurance that I'm not the crazy one.

Definitely not crazy and I think that you guys will be friends again, quite possibly even in a relationship. I think a lot of the distance from you is him being able to deal with his own sexuality independent of you.

My advice to you is continue to reach out periodically just to check in casually with no expectations of resolution, to make sure he knows that you are still keeping the door open...especially after graduation, as this will be a more comfortable time for him to deal with his sexuality without the swim team and the college environment in the mix. He will come around, but just on his own time line.

 

[dan1heman10]

Definitely not crazy and I think that you guys will be friends again, quite possibly even in a relationship. I think a lot of the distance from you is him being able to deal with his own sexuality independent of you.

My advice to you is continue to reach out periodically just to check in casually with no expectations of resolution, to make sure he knows that you are still keeping the door open...especially after graduation, as this will be a more comfortable time for him to deal with his sexuality without the swim team and the college environment in the mix. He will come around, but just on his own time line.

But what isn't fair about this situation is that when I do try and speak to him he just ignores me, and if its not in person then he doesn't respond to my text or anything. I'm not trying to make any judgements based off of social media..but he even unfollowed me on twitter, we are no longer friends on Facebook and I tried sending him a friend request but he still hasn't accepted it the request as if "he didn't see it" but I know he did so in my head I take this as he wants nothing to do with me so I let him be. But then randomly out the blue he chooses to speak to me when its convenient for him. I'm genuielly tired of going back and forth with him and to be honest I've given up all hope on this friendship or whatever it is because we are not on good terms to the point where I don't think I even want to say goodbye to him when we graduate.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to change my advice, you are apparently incapable of any contact with this guy without angsting over it, so cut him off. No calls, no texts, no facebook, nothing.

You know this is the answer, you just don't want to do it.

 

[KaraBulut]

^Agree.

Based upon the latest information about how he's treating you and how it is affecting you, it would be better if you put distance between the two of you.

There are plenty of good people out there who will make good friends. And a lot of them are grown-up men who aren't afraid of admitting that they like guys. Put your energy into meeting those guys and don't waste your time with immature, closeted little boys who don't treat you with respect.

And when you get that feeling that you want to have this guy back in your life, stop and tell yourself, "I deserve better".

 

[checkinthingsout]

But what isn't fair about this situation is that when I do try and speak to him he just ignores me, and if its not in person then he doesn't respond to my text or anything. I'm not trying to make any judgements based off of social media..but he even unfollowed me on twitter, we are no longer friends on Facebook and I tried sending him a friend request but he still hasn't accepted it the request as if "he didn't see it" but I know he did so in my head I take this as he wants nothing to do with me so I let him be. But then randomly out the blue he chooses to speak to me when its convenient for him. I'm genuielly tired of going back and forth with him and to be honest I've given up all hope on this friendship or whatever it is because we are not on good terms to the point where I don't think I even want to say goodbye to him when we graduate.

What you are saying makes sense, but my advice is to not go back and forth. Don't spend energy on this relationship, but don't cut him off either. Just be open. I have a really strong feeling he will come around once he deals with his sexuality on his own.

 

[mcbrion]

As you will learn, Grashopper, (sorry, I HAD to say that once in my life. At 64, who knows when I'll be able to say/type that again), some guys (not men: guys), will back away from you because they DO have feelings for you - and it terrifies them, so they keep you at a distance. So many guys will try to say, why would anyone do that? Well, because they fear rejection, and eventually they fear you will see who they really are, and you will leave them.
checkinthings out has the right idea. You need not contact him. He KNOWS if he ignores you, you will still try to reach out to him. How does he know? Because you continue to do so (do not see this as a criticism: see it as "I-know-wherof-you-speak"). You need not make a declaration of "you're out." Your invisibility (NO CONTACT) will solve many things, although not the sadness you feel now. That is natural. We SHOULD feel sadness at the death of any valued relationship, no matter if we think we should or not (that's why people kill themselves: they don't let themselves feel the emotion all the way thru, for fear of falling down a black hole and never recovering. Nonsense. If you feel it, no matter how long, eventually it lessens, even if it never completely goes away, as in the death of a friend, lover, parent, child or pet. That's why we have tears: to release sadness. And tears are therapeutic for those who think them less than manly).

If you see him in public, just go over and say, "Hi, _________ (insert name here). Nice weather, huh?" And then LEAVE. Do not wait for a response (that tells him you are still waiting for him to participate and connect with you. Say it, shut your mouth. LEAVE.) It will register with him that you didn't need him to participate just to have an interaction (and it's STILL an interaction, even if he remains silent. You will learn this by the time you're 60. Make that 65.)