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Ruining friendships and relationships...

B

blankslate

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Hey guys, I'm looking for some advice on how to man up and express myself properly in this situation, as I grievously hurt some good people and feel awful

The situation is that I've been in a relationship for 2 years. Our sex life stagnated a bit, and we spoke about it. Unfortunately it became something of a cycle where we talk and make effort to improve it, but then we settle into a groove of going weeks without any real intimacy until we got into another discussion about it. We are constantly working on things and I really regret what happened...

A good friend of both of ours, in a relationship for 10+ years, has always been close with me. We've known each other for years, and found each other attractive, but never acted on it. I began to text him more and more often in the past few months, but we both kept the physical stuff away. However, we did sext a few times- no dirty pictures, but very graphic stuff.

Last Friday, he was over with his partner, and when we were alone for a moment he told me he was in love with me and that he was willing to leave his partner, and I could leave mine, and we could be together. I did not expect this, and was not willing to break up with my partner, nor break he and his partner up, and said no don't do this. He was very upset and he drank until he passed out.

The next day, he told his partner that he is in love with me, and wasn't sure where they are going in their relationship. I have now wounded this person deeply, and he wants to know why I would text him so many loving and beautiful things just to reject him in the end. I have no idea what to say- I told him that I really do care for him and we were both getting from each other what we were missing in our relationships- that feeling of connection. However, I do not feel the extreme love he feels and I really hurt him. I don't know how to explain myself to him. I was being immature and did not think my actions through and really hurt him and now his partner, understandably, is very upset. I don't know what to say to them!

Has anyone ever had something like this happen? I've told him again that I don't want him to end his relationship on account of me and I don't want to do that to my boyfriend either. He just wants to know why I would say such loving things to him then stab him in the back. I've hurt him, his partner, and my boyfriend deeply.
 
I would say it takes two to tango... admittedly you made some unfavorable lapses of judgement, but he also contributed to the entire situation. Do not allow yourself to take on the full brunt of this experience. If by discussing and apologizing for your part he and his partner cannot accept your explanation then it may by time to distance yourself from their company. Also, it depends on how your partner feels. This may be the catalyst that bring you two back to a solid and fruitful relationship. Best of luck.

Craiger
 
You made a huge mistake and apologized for it. Now, walk away to allow the other couple to work out their problems.
 
You are on target when you explained things to him. You had an emotional affair. It's serious insofar as it speaks to the deficits in your relationship with your partner. You are not responsible for your friend or his relationship.

This is a common phenomenon due, I think, to the difficulty a lot of people have with sustained intimate honesty. It's easier to look for some outside relief rather to confront and sometimes constantly confront an issue at home with a non-responsive partner. Or, sometimes it's us finding it easier to find something tittilating outside rather than being assertive at home.

When in a relationship we owe it to ourselves and our partner to address problems, especially when emotionally drawn to another person. Some relationships need to end and no one ought to be dancing between two in perpetuity, but most relationships are repairable if both are willing and if both realize that people, wants and needs change over time.
 
Come clean with everybody....

I think that most sexual intimacy problems are do to lack of communication skills and lack of honesty with ourselves and each other so now is a good time to practice both.

I think it is best to put it on the table on YOUR TERMS...truthfully...before this spurned guy decides to do it on HIS TERMS....

If he does it before you...it will be much harder to gain any credibility.
 
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