Run down and apathetic

[Lost_Soul4]

Is it odd that, at 23 going to be 24 in February, that I'm still a COMPLETE virgin? As in, I've never had sex, never had a blowjob or a handjob, hell, I've never really fully been kissed? Is it odd that nothing major ever seems to arouse any real emotional response?

I'm not ashamed of being a virgin still. I know that. But why does everyone around me seem so surprised at first that I still am at my age? Of course, then I get to talking and they instantly tell me it should be obvious why. I ask why and they tell me I sound bored with everything around me. Hell, my own mother has accused me of being apathetic.

I just feel ... I don't know what I feel anymore. Run down; tired. And, I guess, uncaring. I've never cared if someone called me a faggot, a loser, a bookworm, etc. I've been called every insulting thing you can probably imagine and it doesn't bother me, no matter how cutting the remarks are or how offesnive the tone is.

I used to write. I loved to write, to spell out whole world's where the only wall is what your imagination can come up with. It was a thrill to pull people into fantasies and have them experience dragons and knights, sorcerer's and fiends ... love and hardship. But it's been almost four years since I could stomach writing even a paragraph before deleting it in disgust.

I don't know why I wrote this down and I have no idea why I'm deciding to post it. I'm not looking for pity or sage advice. I guess ... I feel a little better just knowing that, somewhere, I put what I feel are my main issues down and can look at them later on. ... I think.

 

[Seasoned]

I've had periods similar to what you have described. You're not in a totally hopeless place, but do you know why? It's because you sound self aware. Go online and check out the symptoms of depression. If they match your thoughts and feelings see a doc, preferably a psychiatrist, as they do best if meds are involved. Sometimes something as simple as exercise is enough to have an impact in brain chemistry. Therapy without meds can be a good first choice.

Just as a guess, I'm wondering if you trained yourself to shut down so taunts wouldn't hurt.

 

[Lost_Soul4]

Oh, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, or at least, on the verge. And, yeah, you're probably right; going to a psychiatrist would probably help as I've also got issues with my temper, which I know sounds odd. I mean, I'm told I act severely apathetic and yet I have a hot temper. *shakes head* Although, I gotta ask: What do you mean by I'm self aware?

And ... yeah, I learned to shut out taunts and what not. There's only so much a kid can handle without coping somehow, ya know? My way was just shutting down ... which probably didn't help my apathy now that I think about it.

 

[Seasoned]

You're self aware in the sense you know something's amiss. There's nothing wrong with coping mechanisms. They are life and psyche savers, but they do outlive their usefulness. To clarify my psychiatrist suggestion. My thinking is that they are best equipped to evaluate the depth of one's depression and you have the ability of discussing the option of seeing a therapist as a first resort rather than starting out with meds. You may just need some help with getting your emotions back. Therapy is a good option because you'll probably have to get in touch with repressed sadness, hurt and anger.

You're not alone in this. It's just a matter of realizing that what worked as protection in the past has outlived its usefulness. I trust that with some help and some work you'll be more satisfied with being open to feelings within a reasonable time frame. You might have to face some pain, but it'll be worth it.

 

[KaraBulut]

What you're describing does sound like depression. And paradoxically, inappropriate anger is a symptom of depression.

You can start with your family physician. A physical and some lab work can rule out physical causes like thyroid disease, low testosterone, etc. Once those possible causes are ruled out, you can talk with him/her about whether your next step is a trial of anti-depressants or whether you might benefit from seeing a therapist or psychiatrist.

 

[Lost_Soul4]

I'd personally rather avoid the drugs if I can. I have seen WAY too many family members OD. But, a therapist or psychiatrist might be a good idea.

And Seasoned, I'm not too afraid of pain. It is, after all, a part of life.

 

[Seasoned]

I need to backtrack some and agree with Karabulut that a physical would be in order just to make sure there isn't something obviously wrong that might get a quick fix. From personal experience I've found that a psychiatrist is better equipped to prescribe the correct meds, if meds are needed, rather than an internist and that why I skipped the important first step.

I agree with you that all avenues ought to be exhausted before meds are introduced and, in most cases, therapists are the correct route as most psychiatrists prescribe and manage meds.

It seems as if you are ready for the journey ahead. Good luck!