Sad coming out.

[loner1234]

I'm a closeted gay who just decide to come out to my mother.

Well its been killing me for days trying to come out to my mother and finally today I mustered enough courage to come out to my mother.

However, it didn't go as well as I was hoping. After coming out to my mother, she immediately asked who made me gay. I tried explaining to her that I was born gay and not made into a gay. She thinks that gays are all feminine and not manly.

She then tells me that before I was born her aunt committed suicide and she wanted her aunt to be reborn when she was pregnant with me.

Knowing my mother's big mouth, the news will reach to my father even though I told her not to tell anyone. After talking to her, she told my older brother that I was gay and asked him whether gays are born this way or people turn people into gay. But he did not comment back.

Now I'm just regretting that I came out to my mother. And my brother has not even asked me anything about being gay even though we share a room.

I have no one to talk to and I don't feel like talking to my mother or brother.

Can anyone just tell me that it will get better?

 

[MoltenRock III]

It does get better. My partner's mother reacted nearly identically when he came out a number of years ago. She even wanted him to go to reparative therapy!

More than likely it will take her time to get over it. Maybe it will only be a few days or a week or two. But it may take longer too. It's a well documented fact that when we come out, our parents usually "go into the closet" for a time, whereas they don't want to tell their friends, neighbors, relatives, etc... that they have a gay son. Why? Because of the hate of society has plied upon all of us gay people. Parents by in-large take our sexuality as them doing something wrong somewhere.

Give her some time and space. Do you live at home still?

 

[loner1234]

Yes I do still live in my parents' house but my father is working overseas and my mother stays with my father there. But she is back for a few weeks. She is now so worried of me that she might stay longer. I just can't talk to my mother right now without getting hurt.

 

[canadianguy91]

It gets better. Each day is easier. Hang in there

 

[HunterM]

Join your local LGBT organizations. I'm sure they have lots of advice to help you deal with your situation. Besides, you might make new friends there.

Good luck!

 

[MoltenRock III]

Yes I do still live in my parents' house but my father is working overseas and my mother stays with my father there. But she is back for a few weeks. She is now so worried of me that she might stay longer. I just can't talk to my mother right now without getting hurt.

As I said, it will get better. Right now her world has been shaken. In her mind you no longer will be giving her grandbabies, and living a life as she imagined. As she works thru these things she will realize that you are still her son, she loves very much, and she wants you to be happy, and the rest doesn't matter. She just has to get thru the steps of acceptance, which are similar to those when dealing with grief.

 

[anchihiro]

Hey, there's actually a couple of websites for parents who need to cope with their kid coming out to them. All things they need to know etc, so they don't form stupid ignorant opinions. Try showing them that.

I think its a good decision to get some space for a while. Not everyones initial reaction is the one they keep.

 

[loner1234]

As I said, it will get better. Right now her world has been shaken. In her mind you no longer will be giving her grandbabies, and living a life as she imagined. As she works thru these things she will realize that you are still her son, she loves very much, and she wants you to be happy, and the rest doesn't matter. She just has to get thru the steps of acceptance, which are similar to those when dealing with grief.

I seriously hope she will accept me for who I really am. I'll keep you guys updated if anything changes.

Join your local LGBT organizations. I'm sure they have lots of advice to help you deal with your situation. Besides, you might make new friends there.

Good luck!

Unfortunately, there is only 1 LGBT organization near my area and it is not even active anymore. The only place I can advice is from the internet.

It gets better. Each day is easier. Hang in there

Thank you for your support.

 

[NCDogGuy]

We care about our parents, obviously, and want them to love us unconditionally. And it hurts when they don't accept us for any reason, whether because we aren't as good at sports as they want, aren't as smart as they want, pick a career they don't like, or because we're gay and they want us to be straight.

You were brave to tell your mom.

She didn't react the way you hoped. But reality is we only control one person. Ourselves. You are not responsible for her reaction, she is. You are not responsible for your brother or father's reactions. They are. You are only responsible for your own reaction.

I'm not condoning being insensitive of other's feelings, but your post suggests that isn't a risk for you. I'm just saying you do also need to look out for your feelings and not turn your mom's disapproval into internal disapproval of yourself.

Give your mom time. And your dad. And yourself. But keep telling yourself that you are ok, and a good person. And being gay is not wrong. It is how you are.

I'm telling you it gets better. I'm not out yet, but I've had intense struggles with myself against my upbringing. And its getting better for me every day. It's often hard. But it gets better. And it will for you too!

Do you have any close friends who know you're gay who you can confide in? If this starts to be more than you feel you can tolerate, there are groups you can call to help you get through the tough times. Don't be afraid to call them.

Or if any of us post something that speaks to you, shoot us a PM. You aren't alone.

But you are ok. You did nothing wrong. You are not alone. It will get better.

 

[Seasoned]

It will get better. It already is. You are no longer in the closet. True, you traded one set of problems for another, but lack of knowledge as exhibited by your mom can be fixed with some education. Don't be too frustrated and don't run from this. Discussion will help. If she's interested in learning more she can look at PFLAG information.

She thinks there's something wrong with being gay and she's afraid she caused it. Stay close. Get through this bullshit phase and it will get better. The two of you may even joke about it someday. I'm happy you told her. Please dint regret that you did. Sure, there's a few bumps, but now you are sharing them instead of carrying the "burden" by yourself. Good luck to you. I'll bet is better in a few months, but do be prepared to be a patient teacher.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I want to repeat because in your post, you sound depressed. If this gets to be more than you know how to handle, there are help lines you can call. You can PM people here.

You are not alone.

 

[loner1234]

Hey, there's actually a couple of websites for parents who need to cope with their kid coming out to them. All things they need to know etc, so they don't form stupid ignorant opinions. Try showing them that.

I think its a good decision to get some space for a while. Not everyones initial reaction is the one they keep.

My mom is not an uneducated person. However, I notice how uneducated she is about homosexuality. She only think about the stereotypes and refuse to accept that there are different types of gays out there. I want to educate her about this but I'm tired to face any drama with her.

We care about our parents, obviously, and want them to love us unconditionally. And it hurts when they don't accept us for any reason, whether because we aren't as good at sports as they want, aren't as smart as they want, pick a career they don't like, or because we're gay and they want us to be straight.

You were brave to tell your mom.

She didn't react the way you hoped. But reality is we only control one person. Ourselves. You are not responsible for her reaction, she is. You are not responsible for your brother or father's reactions. They are. You are only responsible for your own reaction.

I'm not condoning being insensitive of other's feelings, but your post suggests that isn't a risk for you. I'm just saying you do also need to look out for your feelings and not turn your mom's disapproval into internal disapproval of yourself.

Give your mom time. And your dad. And yourself. But keep telling yourself that you are ok, and a good person. And being gay is not wrong. It is how you are.

I'm telling you it gets better. I'm not out yet, but I've had intense struggles with myself against my upbringing. And its getting better for me every day. It's often hard. But it gets better. And it will for you too!

Do you have any close friends who know you're gay who you can confide in? If this starts to be more than you feel you can tolerate, there are groups you can call to help you get through the tough times. Don't be afraid to call them.

Or if any of us post something that speaks to you, shoot us a PM. You aren't alone.

But you are ok. You did nothing wrong. You are not alone. It will get better.

It just pains me when she says she loves me and I can tell her anything and when I tell her that I'm gay, she won't accept me and just ignores it.

You are right about me being responsible for me own feelings/reaction. After coming out to my mother, I did break down, became depressed and have suicidal thoughts. However, I manage to get a hold of myself and say to myself that nothing is wrong with me, I'm not a sin.

Unfortunately, I chose to come out to my mother first instead of making a backup plan. Although I don't have many friends, none of them knows that I am gay. This experience has just scared me from coming out to any one of my friends soon. I'm just so afraid of the consequences from coming out.

 

[loner1234]

It will get better. It already is. You are no longer in the closet. True, you traded one set of problems for another, but lack of knowledge as exhibited by your mom can be fixed with some education. Don't be too frustrated and don't run from this. Discussion will help. If she's interested in learning more she can look at PFLAG information.

She thinks there's something wrong with being gay and she's afraid she caused it. Stay close. Get through this bullshit phase and it will get better. The two of you may even joke about it someday. I'm happy you told her. Please dint regret that you did. Sure, there's a few bumps, but now you are sharing them instead of carrying the "burden" by yourself. Good luck to you. I'll bet is better in a few months, but do be prepared to be a patient teacher.

I hope she will take some time to educate herself because she keeps saying that it's her fault that I am like this. She blames herself because she wanted her aunt who committed suicide to reborn in her next child which was me.

I want to repeat because in your post, you sound depressed. If this gets to be more than you know how to handle, there are help lines you can call. You can PM people here.

You are not alone.

It is amazing how a totally stranger who has never met me notices that I am depress, when my own family have not notice my depression or they choose to ignore my depression.

 

[NCDogGuy]

It just pains me when she says she loves me and I can tell her anything and when I tell her that I'm gay, she won't accept me and just ignores it.

Of course it does. I think that is a very understandable reaction. I'm not sure how old you are. But one of the hardest things to learn as we get older is that our parents are just human. They make mistakes. The reality is some parents do better than others at different aspects of parenting, but most parents are honestly doing the best they know how. The other poster said that your mom is probably trying to digest this information. I think that is probably true.

One thing that might work, or might not, is to calmly tell your mother that you feel sad that she does not accept you for being gay and that you feel she disapproves of you. But that you understand this must be a shock to her and that you hope that as she learns more about gay people, she will accept you more. But that you love her and hope the two of you and your father can work through this.

But, I don't know you, or your parents, or what your relationship is like. So I don't actually know what her reaction would be.

... I did break down, became depressed and have suicidal thoughts. However, I manage to get a hold of myself and say to myself that nothing is wrong with me, I'm not a sin.

The way you handled getting so down was good! But, what you are going through is very difficult as many people here know. You are not the first or only one dealing with this. We know how hard it can get. Please, if it starts to get too much, reach out for help. If you feel suicidal thoughts, you need to reach out for help. Whether to a LGBT hot line, or to someone here or to any other resource available where you live. Don't let yourself get stuck in feeling alone.

Keep us posted. Remember there are real people behind each user name here. We post because we are concerned about what happens to you.

You can get through this. You are already showing a lot of strength.

This is an amazing forum full of many caring people from all over the planet. Remember, you are not alone. And it will get better.

This experience has just scared me from coming out to any one of my friends soon. I'm just so afraid of the consequences from coming out.

Another very understandable feeling. Just take your time. There is no point worrying about "could have done" or "wish I had done" things. You told your mom. So focus on dealing with that.

Good luck.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

I think you need a real person to talk to. There is a lot of hollowness in text, and right now you need to be heard as well as hear reassurance. I am going to supply a couple of links for you with toll free numbers to people who have experience with coming out issues, including family conflict, depression, and suicide.

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/pages/get-help/

http://www.goaffirmations.org/site/PageServer?pagename=programs_helpline

http://gayhelpline.com/

You can be anonymous. The important thing is that you speak to someone. There are people out there that want to help you, and will take the time to listen.

The hardest part is dialing, then saying "hello". But, so far, you've been through harder stuff than that, right?

 

[loner1234]

Just an update.

My mother has approached me and still does not accept me for what I am. She still thinks that what I am going through is just a phase and when I get older I will get over it. And she thinks that I will find it funny if I tell my friends.

It seems like my mother has no intention of educating herself or listening to my pleads or even taking this situation seriously.

@NCDogGuy Thank you for the meaningful advices.

@Halifaxboy8 Thank you for the links. I will try my best to get help.

 

[TheOscar]

Well, I think it's a really brave thing for you to have done! And others have already said it: it will get better, but it may take some time. Hang in there; I'm sure your mom and brother, too, will come to be totally fine with it. They are just in shock, right now.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

My mother took it hard, and didn't talk to me for about 6 months... but she eventually came around. It can be quite shocking news to some people... just give them time to adjust. It will get better.

 

[Fluxios]

For the time being, let her swallow it. If she wants to talk about the subject, you talk about the subject, but don't you try to force her to internalize it that fast. Worst case scenario, they'll send to a psychologist.

No parents will leave their son behind just because of what his heart feels. You're still their son and they'll love you no matter what happens. I know it's hard , but you will feel better when this mess is over.

Best of wishes

 

[loner1234]

Thank you everyone for all your kind advices. I'll take all the advice to heart and hopefully it will turn out for the better.